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When should a submissive be submissive? - 3/31/2006 9:21:32 PM   
shivvy


Posts: 746
Joined: 3/25/2006
From: Ireland, living in Kent, England.
Status: offline
Hello everybody.
 
my name’s shiv and i’m a relatively new member on here (been a member about a week now). i have a naturally subservient nature and have been told i’m a born submissive. i’ve only eva had the one bdsm experience, when i woz collared by an experienced Master for 18 months, several years ago. Since then, (and before then) i’ve had a string of vanilla relationships and apart from one, none lasted more than a couple of weeks. That said, my last relationship lasted 13 months, but that finished just ova Christmas.
 
Not having access to the net or anything when i woz with my Master, i learned about bdsm as i went. Although it woz only a part time relationship (once, sometimes twice a week), i become addicted to it, and the more we did it, the more i wanted to experience. i discovered i woz a masochist, and serving my Master, and making Him happy nearly took ova my life. He ended it, coz He had to move away, and i woz well gutted at the time. Several Masters offered to collar me, but for a number of reasons, i declined Their kind offers (i woz just about to sit my A Levels and REALLY needed to study, as well as some issues and concerns about my daughter, and she came first).
 
Ova the years, my vanilla friends have warned me that, because of the way i am, i’m well easy to manipulate. In real life, like everybody, i’m just a normal person really, ie. Just looking for somebody to luv me, and let me luv them back.
 
Like most women in the vanilla world, i’ve got used to ignoring questions like, do i spit or swallow, or do i fuck on first dates etc, but this is the first time i’ve come on a site like this, and openly admitted to being submissive.
 
i’ve tried to answer everybody who’s written to me, and i hope i’ve been respectful and polite at all times (not necessarily because i’m a sub, and that’s wot i think everybody expects, but just because that’s the way i’ve been brought up). i’ve tried to be open and honest with everybody, and i have sent photos, or directed people to my yahoo 360 profile or my website when they’ve asked. But now some people are asking/demanding nude photo’s, or my phone number and stuff, and i don’t feel like i’m ready for that.
 
i don’t want to be disrespectful or disobedient and at the same time, i don’t wanna seem like a whinging winnie, but i learnt all i know real time, and i had my Master to look after me then. i have respectfully (i hope) said no, and explained why, but wot should i do if a Dom insists?
 
i have been speaking to a very kind lady in America, who suggested i say "i am a submissive, but i’m not Your submissive." i feel like that’s really good advice, and it’s wot i feel like saying. But would a Dom accept that?
 
If i woz still with Richie, i wouldn’t dare say that to a Dom, but then i feel like, if i woz still with Richie, He would deal with all that kinda stuff anyway.
 
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and i would appreciate any thoughts anybody might have.

_____________________________


(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.εΐз¸¸.·*´¯`v´¯`*·.¸¸ـ εΐз ~*luv shivvy*~ ـ εΐз

xxx
Owned and collared by SavageFaerie and Master P
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 3/31/2006 9:30:39 PM   
wetsub000


Posts: 91
Joined: 3/6/2005
Status: offline 		Hi Shiv

Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with and try to find nice polite ways of saying no.  It's hard sometimes when all you want to do is please, but you have to live with yourself and really any Dom that is going to force/blackmail or rant because you won't do what they ask in the early stages of getting to know you stuff really isn't worth the getting to know (at least that's the way I approach it).  I say things like 'I don't feel comfortable sending you something like that' or 'I think we are after different things ... good bye' or just about anything else that comes to mind as a substitute for NO.  Most will get the message quickly and some never do.

Good luck in your quest.

(in reply to shivvy)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 3/31/2006 10:00:27 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		shivvy,

Master didnt even see a picture of me for the first 2 months of chatting.

There is nothing wrong with saying "no" or "im not ready"..or "I dont feel comfortable right now with that".

We chatted on the phone from pretty much the very beginning.

I think personally, if the Dom was very demanding in the beginning it just shows his lack of integrity... and possibly non-altruistic intentions...... is this the kind of man/Dom you want? If not, relax and dont hesitate to say no to anything you feel uncomfortable with.


_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to wetsub000)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 3/31/2006 10:54:46 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Sending nude pictures to strangers is never a good idea.  Until my Master owned me, he could ask things of me, but  he said it was my choice to do them or not as he had no claims on me.  A lot of self professed dominants will try to take advantage of someone young and new. Just because you are submissive does not mean you must submit to anyone who calls himself/herself dominant.  In doing so, you will be trying to please everyone, which is impossible, and it will only leave you feeling confused and unhappy.

Any dominant worth talking to will understand your concerns, and would probably not be asking for nudes right away.  If someone you don't know asks and you say no, and he insists, it is best to turn away.  A good dominant will spend time teaching and developing, and will listen to questions and concerns, particularly in the beginning. 

Spend time here.  Read posts.  They will help you understand different points of view in this life of BDSM.  Absorb information and ask questions.

Best of luck to you.


(in reply to shivvy)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/1/2006 12:11:03 AM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline 		You're getting great advice, Shivvy, and all I can add is that you have made a great step by coming here prepared to listen and learn, and ask questions.

You'll hear all kinds of things on the forums, and some things will feel right to you, and others will feel very wrong. That's how you learn to figure out what's best for YOU. No one here has all the answers, but together we are guite the library.

Never feel as if you have no right to question someone, just because they claim to be dominant. Until you develop a trusting relationship with someone you have every right to say no, or why?. (Even after you agree to be someone's sub there are times, and ways, to question a dominant, but that's another novel!)

Hold out for what you feel is best for you. Take this time to figure out who you are, and exactly what you want, and to develop good friendships to help you through the rough times. (And there are always rough times in life!)
 
Welcome to the forums, you're off to a great start!

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/1/2006 12:27:03 AM   
shivvy


Posts: 746
Joined: 3/25/2006
From: Ireland, living in Kent, England.
Status: offline 		hello.
 
May i just thank everybody so far for their kind words and advice.
 
It's difficult, because i don't wanna do the wrong thing, but at the same time, like has been said, if you don't feel comfortable, then you just gotta say no. it's just learning to say no the right way really, isn't it?
 
So thank you all once again.
 
luv,
 
shiv
xx

_____________________________


(¯`v´¯)
`*.¸.*´
¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨)
(¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•.εΐз¸¸.·*´¯`v´¯`*·.¸¸ـ εΐз ~*luv shivvy*~ ـ εΐз

xxx
Owned and collared by SavageFaerie and Master P

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/1/2006 4:28:05 AM   
slaveladyj


Posts: 161
Joined: 2/7/2006
Status: offline 		You've gotten great advice from the others, and if after you say no politely, they insist, don't hesitate to be impolite.

(in reply to shivvy)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/1/2006 6:06:01 AM   
cillydom


Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		this was a reply i gave on another site but i think it could go here just as well

listen don't do anything you wouldn't do if this
was just a vanilla world meet. just because your after a
d/s relationship doesn’t change the meeting rituals.
You meet him as though you were any woman meeting any guy
and don’t fall for ANY pressure to do other wise, you wouldn’t
accept that for a normal relationship meeting, so don’t
now.

I’m beginning to dislike the term dom, I hear it so much
about so many men, I’m beginning to be embarrassed to have
it applied to me.


We are just men your meeting until you decide that one is
a suitable dominant for you, until then just men, and don’t
treat them as anything more.


And if they insist you do, that would be a sign of immaturity
and something you don’t need.


(in reply to shivvy)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/1/2006 6:22:54 AM   
MsterOrion


Posts: 1
Joined: 2/8/2006
Status: offline 		Amen to  cillyDom

(in reply to cillydom)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/1/2006 7:51:30 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		As long as you're being normal courtesou and sensible, you're fine.  Treat this as you would a vanilla relationship and you'll be great.  If a dom wants you to do something- you assess whether you feel it is right for you to accept that authority or not.  If it's not, you politely let them know.  If it is, then you say yes.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to shivvy)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/1/2006 10:18:47 AM   
Clothespingirl


Posts: 82
Joined: 3/8/2006
Status: offline 		If he won't talk "no" for an answer, just block his messages and forget him!  Don't waste your politeness on anonymous screen names, save it for someone you like.

_____________________________

"Cheeky bitch"

(in reply to shivvy)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/1/2006 10:33:30 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		There are two sides to beginning to submit, when a Dominant feels it is the right time he will say so, then it is upto you, if you are not comfortable with it say so..... after the discussion that follows, either things will move forward (Possibly him waiting, or you deciding to take the risk) or they will end, with, if people are adult about it, no ill will on either side, just an acceptance of the fact that there was at least that one area of incompatability that ment things where not to be.

_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Clothespingirl)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/1/2006 10:34:53 AM   
starymists


Posts: 139
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline 		I agree that there has been great advice here.
 
For myself, when I'm approaching a relationship, I approach it no different than I would a vanilla relationship. We talk, we spend time, we get to know each other. The trust and affection either grows or it doesn't. Feeling uncomfortable is often a sign that the trust in a relationship isn't where it ought to be in order to support a specific action. For example personal information. If you don't really know the person that you are giving that information to, you have no idea how he/she will use that information. Will it be handed out to others? Posted on the internet? Will it be used against you if you attempt to get out of the relationship?

I also agree with ownedgirlie. You don't owe anything to another until you reach a point where you agree to serve. I also tend to think that a 'good' Dominant knows that he/she really has no right to demand anything until there is an agreement to serve in place. Being a submissive doesn't mean that you are a doormat to be disregarded. Being a submissive means serving when the time, place and person is right. You have a responsibility to keep yourself safe until such time as you find a person or persons that you can serve in trust. 

(in reply to Clothespingirl)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/1/2006 5:31:13 PM   
slutsusan


Posts: 8
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline 		shivy you can get alot of help and direction on line without being collared from Doms and subs both always do things the safe way with new Doms like getting to know them first check out adoptaslave here on collar me and see what you think but you are right you child comes first and be safe for her

(in reply to shivvy)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/1/2006 5:46:32 PM   
CAROLF


Posts: 56
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline 		gosh, my input.........for what it's worth.  i was just recently in the same boat, i listened to both sub and dom alike and learned, hell no, i don't have to do anything i don't wanna do. when i do submit, it's my choice, i'm still in control until i call one Master, until that day, i only have me.  i will watch out for me now, He will watch out for me in the future, until then, just plain ole WATCH OUT! :)

(in reply to slutsusan)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/1/2006 7:16:21 PM   
TemptingNviceSub


Posts: 3054
Joined: 10/1/2005
Status: offline 		You can be wise,intelligient,have a lot of common sense and you can respectfully say no!,,,being submissive does not exclude having these attributes....be well..tempting

(in reply to shivvy)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/4/2006 12:27:45 PM   
talltxsub


Posts: 173
Joined: 11/10/2005
Status: offline 		It is amazing how many "dominants" will be demanding within the first few minutes of chatting, then they often act like you are required to meet their demands immediately.

"Run....don't walk"

(in reply to TemptingNviceSub)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/4/2006 1:24:34 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		You must work on becoming a good submissive like you'll live to be 100 years old and live today like you'll die tomorrow.
So, when approached be honest and sincere. Don't settle to settle. Continue to trust your submissive side but don't take any crap and always be safe.
BTW, what does woz mean?

Good luck, Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to talltxsub)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/4/2006 1:30:37 PM   
kissmekat


Posts: 14
Joined: 3/30/2004
Status: offline 		As A Mistress I always say......your sub, not subhuman.....follow your heart, it shall lead you in the right direction. Miss Kat

(in reply to fastlane)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: When should a submissive be submissive? - 4/6/2006 5:38:12 PM   
mathiasdomm


Posts: 71
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline 		Echoing half the board, I'm going to say that you're getting good advice.  Lucky and Jali seem to be two of the most articulate and trustworthy people posting, and there are some awesome people posting on this forum.  You don't even have to be polite saying no. As a dom, you don't mistreat people period.  It's just bad business.  I think male doms in general tend to be too aggressive.  The subs that I've been happy with were people who submitted to my character, not my ego.  You're looking for a trust worthy companion and guide.  Anybody who won't take the time to let you come around to them is probably not going to be ready to help you through the emotional act of being submissive.  Think about what you want in a partner, not just who ties the best knots. 

-m

(in reply to kissmekat)
Profile   Post #: 20
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