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Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 2:09:40 AM

twisty

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I don't know what to do. My Dom says he will be a Dom in the bed room, which is I know safer to do, but I crave at time the Total Dom in all. Telling me how to do things & how he wants things. At times I don't feel like I'm a sub-slave at all with him. Which would be better?

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twisty

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 2:38:41 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

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There is no better. There is only what is better for you. If you aren't happy with just bedroom dynamics, ask if has any interest in bringing those dynamics out of the bedroom. If he has no desire to do that, and you feel you really 'need' that, then the two of you aren't compatible. If your need for full-on dynamics is transient, or you are uncertain, I wouldn't recommend giving up an otherwise happy relationship just to find out.

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 3:00:11 AM

RavenMuse

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For someone who is wired to only submit in the bedroom a bedroom dom is 'best' because they are compatible. For a lifestyle (24/7) sub then a lifestyle Dom is 'best' because they are compatible. For a slave then a Master is 'best' because they are compatible.

I am not inherently 'better' than a Dom or even a 'bedroom dom'.... if a girl isn't compatible with how We live our life then it isn't going to work if she thinks We are going to change to accommodate her We won't!

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 3:34:55 AM

Focus50

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Though the answer is rather obvious from the information supplied, the question is subjective to the individual.

For you, you clearly desire more than someone who only decides how he likes sex etc. You can't "fix" him (mostly 'cause he won't think he needs fixin') so you seek out someone who is mutually compatible to *your* needs.

Focus.

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 4:54:19 AM

dreamerdreaming

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What they ^ said.

OP, insist on partners whose needs and desires both in and out of the bedroom, fit well with yours. Its a disservice to all concerned, to do less. We all only have one life, and whatever time we invest in partners whose needs and desires, goals, etc. aren't compatible with ours- none of us will get that time back.

If you are just beginning with this dom, now's the time to be very candid with him about your needs and desires, and the fact that if you're not a good fit, you reserve the right to seek elsewhere. If you aren't sure exactly what will suit you best, you should be very candid with him about this as well. When you're new, you may need to do some experimentation to find out what works for you. Get your partner on board for this, so that you both have clear expectations. Communicate, explore, and have FUN!

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 6:13:50 AM

DesFIP

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How old are you both? How long have you been together? How much control are you looking for?

You say that sometimes you want him to have more control. That suggests that part of the time you don't want that. How is he to know when to take control and when not to? He can't. You either commit to him having total control of certain areas of your life all the time or not at all.

Does he feel any interest in extending this to date nights? Deciding what movie to see, where to eat? Would he be willing to try this slowly? Because he may worry about making mistakes if suddenly he has to deal with all your issues. Or do you just want him to send you to bed at a decent hour after chatting since by yourself you stay up too late? Ask for control in small, narrowly defined ways such as bedtime and see how it goes. Remember to talk about it afterward.

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 6:36:39 AM

twisty

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I think I asked the question wrong. Is there some thing I can do to make this work? He is the first off line Dom I have had, & I crave more the his takeing all control. But because I have a child we decided that it was safer that we just did it in the bed room only. "So my child never sees me not incontrol", as he put it. It's just I feel the need for more gidence. Is there some thing I can do or just ignore these feelings?

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 6:44:35 AM

DesFIP

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We live together and have five young adults between us. Of course they see him making rules and it isn't a problem as long as it isn't sexual. There will be no trauma if the kid hears him say "Don't make chicken pot pie for dinner, pull out some burgers because I feel like grilling". Or the one that made everyone laugh "Don't ever get that fudge berry ripple ice cream ever again, it was disgusting". It was pretty bad to tell the truth.

As long as he calls you by name or by an endearment instead of calling you bitch, slut, whore or cunt, all these ordinary things can be done in a manner that include being respectful. Saying "Honey, I don't like meatloaf at all, can you make something else for dinner tonight?" is not rude. As long as you know that even though it is posed as a question, the answer is to agree with him assuming you don't have a conflict. And if you do have a conflict, you simply tell him "Sorry parent teacher conferences on Tuesday night so I can't meet you. How about Wednesday?".

Most of life is pretty vanilla so most of the decisions to be made will be vanilla also. Having him pick the movie to watch will not scar anyone, as long as it isn't Saw V.

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 6:47:19 AM

Domin8tingUrDrmz

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As long as you aren't having kinky sex in front of the kiddo, what is terribly wrong with the wee one seeing you defer to your man?

Many mom's of yesteryear were deferential to their husbands (many are today as well). What is so horrible about your boyfriend/Master/Dom telling you to grab a beer for him? Or him expecting dinner on the table when he gets home from work? Or any number of things that show your submission toward him? Suppose he wants you to sit on the floor at his feet, many 'nilla couples do that, why would that be such a horrible thing for your child to witness?

You can explain to your child when they are of an age to understand, that while you prefer to follow the lead of your man, that your child has the right to decide how they prefer their relationships to occur. Children, regardless of their parents, often grow up to be individuals.

My mother was very subservient to her male companions, in a vanilla sort of way. I am the opposite of my momma. I didn't view her displays of affection as odd or weird or wrong. I just saw my mom, in love, being a good woman to her man. I went about being a good woman differently.

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 7:32:31 AM

lizi

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As you've already heard, neither is 'better' than the other...it really depends on what makes you and your partner happy. I will say that I thought I would like to be with a very dominating man who used a lot of control, but my current relationship is not like that at all and I'm quite happy.

The primary thing is the connection you have with each other and if you can communicate well. If that is in place he may wish to step up and do more of what makes you happy, or you may find that something you thought was important really isn't. Perhaps the man you are with is more important than any rules and you may find an internal control within yourself where you just want to please him - so you look for ways of doing that and it's just as effective as being told what to do. You'll have to do some reflection on what you really want vs what you need and have a heart to heart with your man.

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 7:44:08 AM

crazyml

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quote:

ORIGINAL: twisty

I think I asked the question wrong. Is there some thing I can do to make this work? He is the first off line Dom I have had, & I crave more the his takeing all control. But because I have a child we decided that it was safer that we just did it in the bed room only. "So my child never sees me not incontrol", as he put it. It's just I feel the need for more gidence. Is there some thing I can do or just ignore these feelings?

It seems that you're looking for more than just occasional or bedroom domination - so, as others have said, that kind of answers your first question - For you, you need something that extends beyond the bedroom into your day to day life.

And that's perfectly ok.

As for how you make your current relationship work - I don't think that it's necessarily a problem that you have a child - Domination/Submission can be pretty subtle.

The key is (perhaps obviously) to talk to your partner - Offer up ways in which he can dominate you outside the bedroom, discuss your needs.

I hope he's happy to extend his dominance, but if he really really isn't then it may be that you either have to accept that compromise or find another partner.

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 8:19:46 AM

littlewonder

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neither is better or worse

The one you want in your life is the one that is better for you.

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 8:22:24 AM

lizi

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quote:

ORIGINAL: twisty

I think I asked the question wrong. Is there some thing I can do to make this work? He is the first off line Dom I have had, & I crave more the his takeing all control. But because I have a child we decided that it was safer that we just did it in the bed room only. "So my child never sees me not incontrol", as he put it. It's just I feel the need for more gidence. Is there some thing I can do or just ignore these feelings?

I'm sorry, I missed this post while i was writing my last reply so what I said there wasn't too relevant. Let me try again then...

As others have said you can handle things with your child by letting him/her see that you have a loving partnership with your man where the roles are a bit more defined with him in place as the leader. That doesn't make you weak or not in control by any means. It's just as valuable for your child to see you in a supportive role. I am submissive...I haven't been A submissive all my life but I've always had this type of personality and I've raised 3 strong, well adjusted, men who love and respect their mother dearly. They rely on me for my support and for 'always being there for them' as they put it. I am not weak and have not conveyed that to them at all, on the contrary I've shown them what a loving partnership functions like, and what mutual respect looks like.

If your partner respects you and shows it then you are doing right by your child no matter how your relationship with him is constructed. There are many things you can do in private without your child knowing what is going on and as the others have pointed out it really doesn't seem odd at all. I am deferential to my man - it never seems to raise any eyebrows as it's nothing over the top. Try to get there first...when you're at a fast food place go get his drink. Serve him first at the dinner table. When he comes home get to the door asap to greet him and give him a kiss. None of that will set off any alarms. Just fuss over him in general...it's not like you're going around calling him Master but you are treating him that way.

Try asking him questions...would he like you to wear a skirt or pants today? What color nail polish? When would he like to eat? Where would he like to go today? Just simple things but it'll set a normal pattern of how you defer to him. When you're alone let him know how much it turns you on to have him take charge and you might find him doing it in little ways more often outside of the bedroom. Once he sees that these little things can have a private meaning to the both of you without screaming to the world that you want to kneel in front of him then he may relax a bit more about having it around outside of the bedroom.

Ignoring your feelings for Domination isn't going to work for the relationship in the long run, you'll be unhappy with him if you don't feel fulfilled. I really think though that you both can come to a happy medium here.

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 8:39:34 AM

twisty

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Thank you all for your help, I will try as you say, the little things, & see if that helps.

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twisty

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 8:40:48 AM

MichiganHeadmast

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Is Total Dom like a Total Gym? I think they have them with all the attachments at Dunhams Sporting Goods.

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 8:45:57 AM

twisty

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LOL

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twisty

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 10:39:58 AM

robertolapiedra

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quote:

ORIGINAL: twisty

I don't know what to do. My Dom says he will be a Dom in the bed room, which is I know safer to do, but I crave at time the Total Dom in all. Telling me how to do things & how he wants things. At times I don't feel like I'm a sub-slave at all with him. Which would be better?

Hello twisty. Maybe you dom thinks you only want play and not the whole package? Did you at least have a conversation about this? Are you waiting for his domly radar to pick this up?

How about you? What is keeping you from being a full time sub? Start with the small things like asking what he would like for dinner, how does he want his coffee. You could ramp it up after play, just wait for instructions like ''you can get dressed now''? If he does not say anything just stay naked or whatever and wait for his attention and curiosity. Ask permissions: ''Is it ok with you if I do this, go there, buy this and that, etc''. Go slow and bit by bit and see how he adjusts. He may surprise you and then again he may not.

Pace yourself, if you desire a Ms Ds type relationship and he likes low keyed Ds you will have to come down in your expectations as he goes up in his. Sometimes meeting more or less in the middle is best in Ds. How would you like this, very hot in the bedroom and nice and warm in daily life?

I know a sub that would kill you if you started barking out orders in the morning, but in the evening when it is time to relax she goes to her dom buck naked and kisses his feet to start things off in the Ds department. In your case if you would feel like it, you could do similar things on the symbolic level. If you are told to stop? you are being dommed. If you are told that it is nice? you are being dommed (asked to repeat the initiative in the future).

If your expectations is to have a ''uber dom'' in day to day living, then this is a rarety and it is most probable that you two are not compatible (for this, you should be a ''uber sub'' yourself.). Things change all the time, who is to say that they wont go your way with time and little but constant baby steps. RL.

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 11:22:48 AM

SimplyMichael

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Google "1950s household" and "taken in hand" are two styles of D/s that can very much be taken outside the bedroom.

As for "safe" its all horsehit, plenty of women in vanilla relationships aren't safe and there are women who couldn't be safer with a partner who fucks them with a bottle brush. Most who wring their hands about safety either have never done this stuff or ARE unsafe and talk about safety to hide what nutcases they are.

As for "who" people are in regards to "bedroom" dom and all the rest of those stupid labels...it is all meaningless. I have dated women who were the embodiment of PTA mom who either corrupted me or I corrupted them. Each relationship is unique, one woman's bedroom dom is anothers total master, one persons sick sadist is another's fluffy top. One woman may bring out the daddy in me, another may bring out the sick sadist who wants to slice her clit hood away so it is exposed and can never hide from me. Same goes for me, I may make one woman want to open her mouth for me to drink whatever I choose to give her and other may fall asleep out of boredom. Chemistry and trust can do amazing things.

What someone likes or can give isn't fixed, it really isn't, especially if they haven't been exposed to a LOT of opportunity to try things often enough to really know they do or don't like something.

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 12:58:11 PM

Andalusite

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DesFIP, I disagree that it has to be "all or nothing." Many submissives give control over certain aspects of their life, but not others, or have anything which interferes with their job or kids as a limit. I think it's perfectly reasonable for the specific couple to find the specific dynamic that works for them.

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RE: Total Dom or not, which is better? - 3/20/2010 1:25:46 PM

twisty

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I geuss I should also have said we dont live together yet, we want to make sure we fit together before we do move in together. Some of the things that I always thought was a slave- sub thing to be doing like cooking he loves to do, so he does these things.

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