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'Calling all sadists' thread might have jolted this a bit and the posts about dying for the love of a true sadist - made me wonder just how screwy this gets. have i been that naive to think that screwy doesnt have to exist in my life if i dont wish it to. how much are we exposing ourselves to the screwups and fuckups by being here, how much of a blind eye do we turn sometimes to facilitate our 'needs'.

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ORIGINAL: came4U

I had to re-read this post a few times to get the gist..but I think I understand your question/or main idea:

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'Calling all sadists' thread might have jolted this a bit and the posts about dying for the love of a true sadist - made me wonder just how screwy this gets. have i been that naive to think that screwy doesnt have to exist in my life if i dont wish it to. how much are we exposing ourselves to the screwups and fuckups by being here, how much of a blind eye do we turn sometimes to facilitate our 'needs'.

I don't think that being here that you are exposing yourself any more than one would anywhere else.

this is possibly true - i signed on to a vanilla 'find a farmer' type of site a while ago and if anything theyre more open about their wounds, not a particularly attractive thing to be honest, but at least i guess, theyre honest about it.  but it does rather emphasise my point - people have baggage, its a fact of life. 
 
on the other hand, the nature of a site like this and the message that goes out that submissives are 'likely' to give their all to a guy, no matter how freaky it gets opens the doors to some minority that are, to some extent or another, just plain toxic
 
Although there are those that might have an 'obsession' for being a sadist or of the like, there are sadistic folk in any and all types/walks of life. Often, you would think that in here..you would be at least a lil better off/more prepared (compared to the guy in the clownsuit that does birthday parties or the trusted cop/teacher etc).

not neccessarily - its a comfortable thought, but its not a thought that should be relied upon at all IMO. 
 
people come 'here' believing that its all out in the open, theres no need to hide procilivities or personality traits and because they get to do what they want, fulfill their darkest fantasies itll iron out the bend in their pipes. 
 
the 'find a farmer' types wear most of it on their sleeve.  statements of 'sick and tired of being alone' - or - 'need a good woman to share my life with' - just arent statements you get around here - so why is that.  are the needs so completely different here.  being sick and tired of being alone, needing a good woman to share youre life with?? - isnt that part of it -


You shouldn't be turning any blind eye, whatsoever. Always be alert, cautious and sure, be a lil paranoid. Paranoia is merely your instinct sometimes that is telling you ...this is WRONG. Follow that gutt, that innate instinct and often all you can do is hope for the best. You cannot be a mind reader, but you can re-evaluate someone's words and behavior in hopes that red-flags do not start raising. If your hair stands on end., you were given that side-effect for a purpose. Run with it. or just plain runnnnnn.

ive done that so much the paranoia is in permanent first gear with the engine runing, foot on the clutch, gas in the tank.  i dont want to be this cynical.
 
sorry, i maybe shouldnt have posted this thread - im just dragging out my frustration on to you guys.  im going to go for a ride in the wind and the rain - ignore me, let the thread die. xx

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there is so much potential for hidden agendas, for fucked up baggage, insecurities and personal/private skeletons that seep through the public facade eventually

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ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I think its easy to become a little paranoid in this sort of lifestyle. Is that a good thing? perhaps, because it makes our radars a little more in tune. On the other hand, if we put anything and everything on the postmortem table will get into the habit of finding something wrong.
A comfort perhaps, is that the start of this journey for most is a mild one. Its a curiosity and a sexual turn on more than a need. The need comes later when we have run the block and learnt and understood about how deep we can take this in a consensual world of acceptance.
No man was born a master or a dominant. He had to learn how to do this and that's of course, only if he desires to. He has to have the initial fantasy of dominating (which is very common by the way)
This is perhaps going to sound cynical but I think a lot of these guys over complicate things. They get wound up in competition with other dominants and become embroiled in proving themselves, not only to a sub but to everyone else they think may be watching! They end up with women with ridiculous expectations of how a dominant man should be. Instead of it being the powerfully sexual and fantasy fulfilling desire they initially set out to find, it becomes a whole new journey. Have they lost their way? or are they loving the whole game? Only they really know.
I know that I want to dominate a man because its sexually hot. Its something I fantasized about long before I ever actually got the opportunity to do it. I never fantasized about damaging someone or putting an axe through a guys head. It was all about sexual control and self gratification and it still is.
So why would a man desire to dominate a woman? Well I would put my vote on 'because it gives him a hard on' though I am sure people will tell me differently.
Submission can make a person vulnerable to their past baggage. The baggage may have nothing to do with them becoming submissive but when they submit they often find themselves analyzing anything and everything to do with their past.
I don't think the same happens when you dominate. Dominants may well have past baggage but I don't believe that's what steers them in a dominant direction. I also don't think being dominant makes you more vulnerable to any past baggage.

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The difference, in my opinion, is that abusers and domineering folks rationalize their actions by blaming others, whereas the healthy ones will accept responsibility for what they do and are ethical about it.

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is is more unsettling to have a sub who was abused (in some form or another) or for the dominant? I do think the OP's paranoia is not out of bounds, just maybe the wrong term. Maybe a lil overly-weary??? Again, a goooood thing (here or elsewhere)

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ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Being aware that there are a lot of folks out there who are not what they present themselves as (On any side of WIITWD) isn't paranoia its REALISM.

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ORIGINAL: DesFIP

It isn't a result of the lifestyle but just of getting to a certain age and realizing that you have met a lot of screwed up people along the way. Moreover at some point you realize that the ones who have never settled down are incapable of doing so with a partner because they have never gotten help with their issues. In other words, all the good ones are taken.

Good people who are capable of committing wholeheartedly to a healthy relationship do usually find an partner capable of the same. The bad ones keep failing in relationships and will not do the hard work to work on their problems so this won't keep re-occuring.

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This is one of the things that I kept seeing crop up as I met new men in my age range (late 40's), they've had lives to live and carry the result of those lives around with them. Whether it be good or bad baggage depends on the person and how they've come to terms with it and whether they see it or not.

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The bad ones keep failing in relationships and will not do the hard work to work on their problems so this won't keep re-occuring.

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ORIGINAL: came4U

oh boy, the ol' 'she stole my house, my kids, HALF of my stuff' (often it is the 2nd and 3rd wife who did that to him AGAIN lol.) It is not only here, you are right, it is allll over.

I am starting to think there are no more 'cool n dominant' men over 40 left without some sort of trauma they fall back on...over n over. K, now I am getting paranoid.

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ORIGINAL: RavenMuse

Being aware that there are a lot of folks out there who are not what they present themselves as (On any side of WIITWD) isn't paranoia its REALISM.

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ORIGINAL: DickSteel

Better a thousand times careful than one time dead.
~ Old Arab Proverb

If you want to get paranoid, you should be aware that people with serious demons like sexual predators and sadistic killers hang out in grocery stores, campuses and malls, not at your local BDSM society. Everyone has some baggage. We we start collecting emotional baggage when we are born and lose the comfort of the womb and free lunch as we are out thrust into the cold world. Some degree of baggage is normal.

If you had an epiphany from that train wreck of thread Calling all Sadists, you need to cancel your internet subscription and get out in the real world more often. I think that thread sucked. It was mostly without any sadists in attendance. It was littered with non sadistic types espousing their advice and opinions while speculating about if they were sadists. What a load of crap. The OP isn't even about about a BDSM situation that would exist because clinically disturbed sadists that grow up torturing puppies and want victims to be miserable, usually don't join BDSM societies looking for consensual masochists. Who would fall for that play on words?