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RE: When is enough enough? - 3/21/2010 3:16:17 PM   
Fitznicely


Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MonicaLeigh
Im just asking if my past mistakes "that i am not repeating" should be his excuse for his behavior that he is still continuing?


Monica, ditch him.


_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to MonicaLeigh)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/21/2010 3:35:13 PM   
HisSweetElysium


Posts: 600
Joined: 11/12/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MonicaLeigh

Ive appologized for what i put him through numerous times and also made a huge turn around (actions speak louder than words) and i feel like he thinks since i screwed up that it gives him a "free all acsess pass" to do anything he wants in this relationship.

See this is one of the things I love about BDSM.  I screw up, I admit it, we talk about it, sometimes I get punished, and then it's OVER. It's done. Hugs and kisses.  I try to do better, and usually I do.  He decided to stay with you, that does not mean an all access pass to walk all over you, unless you let Him, and no, b/c He is the Dom that does not give Him the right. 
quote:

ORIGINAL: MonicaLeigh
Sometimes when i confront a situation, he will remind me of what i did,


This is death for a relationship, btw, emotionally manipulative and abusive. 
quote:

ORIGINAL: MonicaLeigh
But i remind him that the difference between me and him is i made a change when i saw where things were headed, and he on the other hand is still doing the same stuff and sees no wrong in any of it.


In my mind its wrong for someone to hold somthing that happened months ago against them to this day, Maybe thats just because i dont believe in grudges and i forgive more than i should. I dont know.

Im just asking if my past mistakes "that i am not repeating" should be his excuse for his behavior that he is still continuing?


Let me sum up: You stepped to the plate and made changes, for the relationship. He's not doing the same.  You have stated what you need, and he chooses to disregard it, and if you dare take issue with it, he throws the past up in your face as defense?

This is dirty fighting and has no place between two people who love each other. Although you made changes, it is highly unrealistic for you to expect him to do the same.  ANY relationship you enter into expecting a person to change in a way you desire is a mistake.  The only thing you are guaranteed is that people WILL change, but rarely in ways you wish.  I'm sorry, he may love you to the best of his ability, but this is not the same type of love you bring to the table, and I see little chance he will learn from your example.

I'm sorry, I know it hurts, but people rarely change because you want them to, YOU chose to change, he won't even admit you have a point in your issues?  Not good.



_____________________________

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.” Rumi

(in reply to MonicaLeigh)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/21/2010 4:36:14 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline 		You're not really writing to find out what we consider "enough" is.  You're really writing in hopes that someone here might have a magic formula to make him change, or that we'll all tell you that we're all living in that kind of relationship and it's just something to put up with, like commercials on satellite radio.

Unfortunately, there is no way to change him if he doesn't want to change.  And, some here live in relationships like yours and complain frequently about their own misery in living that way, and others know deep down in, as I think you do, that it's already "enough" and they pack up their pride, self-esteem and hopes for the future and move on.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to HisSweetElysium)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/21/2010 5:29:35 PM   
Huntertn


Posts: 715
Joined: 10/7/2006
Status: offline 		Like a adult you were willing to work on your problems.He, on the other hand, has not only remained the same, but i effect, tosses it into your face.adult..one..child Zero...time to pack up and move along.Huntertn

(in reply to windchymes)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/21/2010 5:52:32 PM   
TheBanshee


Posts: 403
Joined: 7/19/2007
Status: offline 		its a really good question - when is enough enough?  I realize its easy for everyone to say they won't tolerate this or that, until anyone of us finds ourselves in that situation.  You're emotionally invested, and you realize it may be a bad investment - you keep hoping if you stick with it the stock will rebound.  In the meantime, you might be keeping yourself from finding someone who is truly capable of caring.
   How much is he invested?  How much does he want to try?  Invest only as much as he does.   See where that leaves you.   

(in reply to Huntertn)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/22/2010 2:40:06 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		I don't know what you did that made him so insecure and angry... cheating comes to mind... it is incredibly difficult to get over that...

If he decided to stay with you even though he has seen you at your worst... maybe he should try harder to stop punishing you and accept the situation... maybe you can manipulate him to being more secure?

If he brings up old stuff: you can try to block him, bluf him; ask him to shut up or release you immediately if he can't get over these things... be prepared for him to do so though.
If jealousy and insecurity on his part is what is the problem now, maybe you have to take control in this department as he has none.
I stuggled with a jealous boyfriend for years, eventually i had to conclude that i could NOT make him trust me... his insecurities were incurable.
No matter how i crawled and waited and showed understanding for the guy, it was never enough. Eventually i had to leave.

if you are sure you love eachother i would try to plod on for a bit, but if things do not improve slowly... if there is more drama than fun, if the drama starts to take over totally... maybe there is no way to fix the trust

(in reply to MonicaLeigh)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/22/2010 3:03:28 AM   
allthatjaz


Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline 		Monica hi,

I believe you already knew all the answers and that these opinions and advise all follow your way of thinking.
Theres a bigger problem and that is you loving him. Walking away from someone you love is the hardest thing in the world because you know how much its going to hurt. Sometimes its easier to put up and shut up than put yourself through a whole load of grief that sits ahead of you if you do have the courage to close the door on him.
It would be easy to say 'leave him' but I understand that leaving him is not going to be easy.
Start thinking about yourself, how you are going to cope and have the strength to get through this. Stop trying to make things better between you and him.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos


Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to ranja)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/22/2010 6:29:58 AM   
Shyla


Posts: 19
Joined: 5/30/2005
Status: offline 		allthatjaz has really hit the nail on the head, but here are some questions I think might help you move on (they helped me to move on so that I could find where I really want and need to be).

Your dominant, maybe more so than in a relationship without a D/s dynamic, should be the safest place you can go, the safest person you can talk to.  Is he that person?

Are you scared of what he will say to you?

Do you think about witholding information or lying to protect yourself from his reactions?

Do you feel like he punishes you by witholding his time and presence?

It's ok to love him.  But you also need to love yourself.  You are a soul that deserves to be complete just as much as he does, and you need to seriously evaluate whether he is knowingly or inadvertently continuing to damage his property (that's you) after you've spoken up and told him so.  Think about it this way, if he continues driving the car without an oil change or necessary maintenance, even after all the little lights start flashing and the engine starts knocking.. the car will eventually break down and quit running.  *You* will eventually break down and quit running as well, and that is a hard road to come back from.  Protect yourself, your intrinsic value and your potential worth to a new dominant.

Regards,

shyla

_____________________________

T minus 3 weeks and counting until I am home at his feet.

(in reply to allthatjaz)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/22/2010 7:01:59 AM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		OP........
Ask him if he would have a slave that behaves the way he does.

_____________________________

I didn't get into an alternative lifestyle to explore new frontiers in conformity.

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/22/2010 10:34:30 AM   
PrimalConsonance


Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MonicaLeigh

I've been debating on wether or not to come here for advice..ive decided that i need a another man/Doms input on the current situation!
Ive been in a relationship with a Dom for 6 1/2 months and i am in love with him have been for quite awhile now. The feelings are mutual on his part as well. The problem is I'm the type of person that gives people the benefit of the doubt even if they were in the wrong, trust people more than i should, forgives people for pretty much anything and when i fall in love. I love hard and i work hard to make the relationshp work.

My Dom is pretty much the opposite, he forgives very little-he holds things agianst you that have been over with for weeks maybe even months. He takes the benefit of the doubt instead of giving it, and he doesnt trust people enough.

I explained all of that to ask this question, Since im the submissive (But by no means a doormat) is it right for me to give respect but not always get it in return? To sit around and wait on his Phone call (like he requested of me) and then he never calls or either he calls 2 hours after the time frame he gave me (Never even sent a simple text saying he would be late)? For him to tell me he understands my point of view but then repeat the same patterns over and over on a daily basis? Always having to be right even when he was wrong and expecting me to take responsability for his actions as well as my own?

When is enough enough? What i do when even after voiceing my opinion as politely as possibly, it gets me nowhere? How do i find a happy medium with someone who believes he is the "happy Medium" ?

I know these all sound like question i should probably be able to answer myself, but i wanted to see it from another mans stand point. I wanted to find out if the rest of you doms Also have the mindset. That being a man means ALWAYS being right.

Am i not right that By being a Dom "You set the standard that you expect your sub/love to follow? And if you yourself cannot live up to your own standards Does is still give you the right to have such expectations of your girl?

This was hard for me to post considering the fact that i truly love my Dom and i have no doubt that when he says the three words " i love you" to me, that they are sincere. I do however think that things are headed in an unhealthy direction.

Please do not take this as me saying that i do everything right and he does it all wrong, because that would be untruthful. i do mess up and am not ahsamed in the least to admitt it and never will be. Ive made my mistakes and this isnt suppose to look like "Bash My Dom on collarme.com" Im just looking for tips on whats worth making a big deal over and what things are just not worth the hassle..

I'd love to hear from anyone who has some helpful advice, And To all of you who take the time to post, Thank you

Monica,Leigh


I am the first to admit that I have my faults, and sometimes those need to be pointed out to me.  Even though I am Dominant, I appreciate it when I am told of something that I am not aware of that could be something that I might improve on.  I'm not always right either, and my standards are pretty much the same for myself as it is for anyone else...especially my submissive.  She doesn't have to let me know sometimes when I have made a mistake or such, but she tries to be very diplomatic when she does. 

But like a piece of spinach lodged between my teeth, I'd rather be told that it's there than to think that everything was alright.  Kind of like the "Emperors' New Clothes" effect.  I'm a sensitive person, but I'm also practical in that I don't set any standards that I can't hold myself to.  We all need an attitude adjustment at times, but we sometimes also need to take a look at our emotional and sensitivity not only concerning others but also of ourselves. 


_____________________________

AKA: CNJDom (types in black) and roselaure (types in Red)


Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss


(in reply to MonicaLeigh)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/25/2010 8:06:09 AM   
afkarr


Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		Not only are his actions inconsiderate, they smell like a rat.......a rat who is probably married, "emergencies" like not being able to call when agreed upon tend to happen more when people are sneaking around on their spouses. If he is and hasn't come clean with you about it, you really don't want him anyway. If he is and you know about it, then you may want to consider whether you want to invest your time and energy in somebody who considers you an amusing toy to be played with when convienent.

(in reply to PrimalConsonance)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/25/2010 10:13:21 AM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		OP - if you are asking the question, you are really close to making a decision. I was in a bad marraige, and once I asked the question, I realised that the relationship was bad for me and shortly after the question came my answer.
Look at your relationship and ask yourself if this is the way you want to live for the next 10 years.

If you honestly have attempted to convey your concerns to the dominant, and he has blown them off, then all you can expect in the future is more of the same. We don't change our ways of communication rapidly - if at all

(in reply to afkarr)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/26/2010 12:46:08 AM   
downland


Posts: 6
Joined: 12/1/2008
Status: offline 		Can you handle living this way for the rest of your life? No. So why suffer through it any further without initiating change?

Express your feelings...if he doesn't acknowledge your needs and immediately begin working to accomodate your (very reasonable) requests, well, there's your answer.

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/27/2010 2:06:06 AM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		I hear you describe narcissistic behavior.
The majority of masters/doms are narcissists.
Setting a boundary (hard limit) agaist narcissism is quite healthy.

Surrender is by ongoing free choice from self will.
Only you are ultimately responsible for making the choices which inspire fulfillment within your own heart.

By choosing that which inspires fulfillment, you have more to share with a partner who can appreciate it.

(in reply to MonicaLeigh)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/27/2010 5:06:27 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: aldompdx

The majority of masters/doms are narcissists.



We are?!?!?!?!

Hell, most of us can't even spell it.....


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to aldompdx)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/27/2010 12:07:38 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MonicaLeigh

I've been debating on wether or not to come here for advice..ive decided that i need a another man/Doms input on the current situation!
Ive been in a relationship with a Dom for 6 1/2 months and i am in love with him have been for quite awhile now. The feelings are mutual on his part as well. The problem is I'm the type of person that gives people the benefit of the doubt even if they were in the wrong, trust people more than i should, forgives people for pretty much anything and when i fall in love. I love hard and i work hard to make the relationshp work.

My Dom is pretty much the opposite, he forgives very little-he holds things agianst you that have been over with for weeks maybe even months. He takes the benefit of the doubt instead of giving it, and he doesnt trust people enough.

I explained all of that to ask this question, Since im the submissive (But by no means a doormat) is it right for me to give respect but not always get it in return? To sit around and wait on his Phone call (like he requested of me) and then he never calls or either he calls 2 hours after the time frame he gave me (Never even sent a simple text saying he would be late)? For him to tell me he understands my point of view but then repeat the same patterns over and over on a daily basis? Always having to be right even when he was wrong and expecting me to take responsability for his actions as well as my own?

When is enough enough? What i do when even after voiceing my opinion as politely as possibly, it gets me nowhere? How do i find a happy medium with someone who believes he is the "happy Medium" ?

I know these all sound like question i should probably be able to answer myself, but i wanted to see it from another mans stand point. I wanted to find out if the rest of you doms Also have the mindset. That being a man means ALWAYS being right.

Am i not right that By being a Dom "You set the standard that you expect your sub/love to follow? And if you yourself cannot live up to your own standards Does is still give you the right to have such expectations of your girl?

This was hard for me to post considering the fact that i truly love my Dom and i have no doubt that when he says the three words " i love you" to me, that they are sincere. I do however think that things are headed in an unhealthy direction.

Please do not take this as me saying that i do everything right and he does it all wrong, because that would be untruthful. i do mess up and am not ahsamed in the least to admitt it and never will be. Ive made my mistakes and this isnt suppose to look like "Bash My Dom on collarme.com" Im just looking for tips on whats worth making a big deal over and what things are just not worth the hassle..

I'd love to hear from anyone who has some helpful advice, And To all of you who take the time to post, Thank you


I'm gonna leave the D/s out of it because it's not the core of your problem and is only complicating and clouding the issue. Simply, it's NOT good that he holds grudges and it's virtually impossible to reason with people who do. What you have is relationship cancer and is most likely incurable....

Love makes it worse, of course. And back to the D/s, A Dom/me who holds grudges can't by any definition have or promote a sense of justice - essential for an unequal, control based dynamic to work. And that means he can't hold or earn your respect no matter how much you love him.... The next paragraph is for you to write....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to MonicaLeigh)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/27/2010 5:34:58 PM   
dragon200070


Posts: 93
Joined: 2/9/2010
Status: offline 		As a sub you should always respect your DOm. However, he should also value you enough to be there when he promised. He can't be disrespectful continually either.

I stop dealing with someone when they're not available to me as promised. I see no reason for you to pursue your service when he ignores you.

Jeff

(in reply to MonicaLeigh)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: When is enough enough? - 3/27/2010 7:34:44 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

OP........
Ask him if he would have a slave that behaves the way he does.


I have to say that this concept would probably work for every single situation where a sub/slave is questioning something that their dominant/master is doing. As long as the dominant/master in question doesn't pull the old "do as I say, not as I do" cliche.

But I really would love to see the OP ask her dominant this question and know how he answers. THAT will be the telling of when enough is enough.

(in reply to Smutmonger)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: When is enough enough? - 4/8/2010 3:25:49 PM   
reynardfox


Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		Way too complicated, downsize the annoyances in your life. Move on.

(in reply to MonicaLeigh)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: When is enough enough? - 4/12/2010 4:44:28 AM   
astartefinch


Posts: 10
Joined: 7/15/2007
Status: offline 		sweetie. I am not a Master, but in my dim and distant past I have been a doormat. I know better now.

submissive does not equal doormat.

If you are with a man who does not respect you and yet you stay, you continue to love him...that is sliding dangerously close to doormat territory. bear in mind I have only the reading of your original post to go on so I may be reading you incorrectly.

But he doesn't respect you, he requires you to be in the wrong for him, he doesn't make you feel safe..and you still love him...is it love? is it need? is it dependancy? ask yourself why someone who is prepared to work as hard at the relationship as you are, is prepared to waste that wonderfulness on someone who doesn't adore you for what you give?

love is not enough..a sucessful relationship of any kind needs mutual honesty, respect, willingness to work at issues

maybe its a simple as this...he does not make you feel safe, in this case, emotionally safe

the world is full of wonderful men, intelligent, wise ones, who will appreciate you for you.




(in reply to reynardfox)
Profile   Post #: 40
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