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Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/21/2010 11:39:35 AM

beej

Posts: 145
Joined: 1/24/2010
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experiences? good idea or best left alone? it didn't work out with my kinky dude, but i took my temperature and i'm still kinky, lol. my friend said, "well, great. you can go back to dating regular guys (i laughed) and i'm sure you can get them to do some of the things that you like." is it the same though, anyone who's had experience? or will it be like ordering a steak at a wings restaurant? because it isn't just like, oh, i like being handcuffed and popped with a wooden ruler. the power dynamics of the kink harnessed my emotions, and that worked very well with my personality, almost seemed to make sense of pieces of my personality that i've had to put on the back burner in past relationships. it opened me up; it wasn't just fun. so now that i'm here and kink is part of how i engage my feelings, i don't know what to do with the cute waiter at Ruby Tuesday's that i was flirting with before, you know?

Post #: 1

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/21/2010 11:50:40 AM

LadyAngelika

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More often then not, I was able to find a certain degree of kinkiness in the people I've dated. I get there by using my intuition and looking for cues. Sometimes it's not so much kinky as what I like to call "naughty 'nilla" or a little slap and tickle. Then again, not everything needs to be a grand production of having a man suspended from the ceiling, a gag ball in his mouth and a butt plug up his derrière, if you know what I'm saying ;-)

- LA

_____________________________

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Post #: 2

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/21/2010 11:59:44 AM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
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Only one vanilla person I ever asked declined. Of those that accepted I'd say a third of them weren't into it and were just indulging my request. I didn't ask everyone. I have a pretty good sense of who the takers would be versus the 'no, thanks'. My instinct tells me that kinky women propositioning suspected straight men would fare better than the reverse. The problem is the top/bottom dynamic. I'm a top so that is not a problem. Asking a vanilla to top you might be an obstacle unless you have the bdsm handbook at the ready.

Edited to add: If I was dating it might be fun if a seemingly vanilla date hit me up for some kink and then I got to see the look on her face when she saw what she had bargained for.

< Message edited by DomImus -- 3/21/2010 12:01:18 PM >

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RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/21/2010 12:00:17 PM

LadyPact

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I'd have to agree with LadyA to an extent. The problem that I have in answering your question is that I'm on the top side of this and I have to wonder if that has made it easier for Me in a sense. I think that I have to lean towards the idea that it's easier to talk someone into doing things to them, rather than to get them to do things to someone else. I don't have a frame of reference to the latter.

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RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/21/2010 1:06:37 PM

beej

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Joined: 1/24/2010
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thanks, and good points about the topping. i mean, plenty of guys give out spankings (to a certain extent), but that's not what it's about anymore, and i had to ask myself, would i even want an amateur restraining me or slapping me , let's say? not every vanilla man would know what to do with that.

quote:

I have a pretty good sense of who the takers would be versus the 'no, thanks'.

lol, can you see it in their eyes or something? i'm starting to wonder if i'll be reassessing what i find attractive (as far as personality traits, not core values). in the past, i was always strongly attracted to men with natural dominance, but i rarely dated them because we couldn't seem to get through a conversation without butting heads. they usually fell into the just for fun/standing flirtation category. now that i've had some experience channeling that conflict into sexual play, i may fare better with a man like that, and he'd probably be more likely to lean into kink at least a little.

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 5

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/21/2010 2:08:31 PM

DomImus

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Joined: 3/17/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: beej
lol, can you see it in their eyes or something?

Something like that. It's what separates the men from the boys, as they say.

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to beej)

Post #: 6

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/21/2010 2:11:11 PM

Wolf2Bear

Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
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Been my experience that it is during the getting to know the other person stage and in the early stages of a new relationship that is where the discussion gravitate towards what we both enjoy in the sexual arena. This is where we talk about what we enjoy doing, what we are curious to try at some future time and what we will not engage in. From these discussions form the basis or jumping point to how we will include kinky sex into our regular sexual activities.

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Post #: 7

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/21/2010 2:14:31 PM

LadyAngelika

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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: beej
lol, can you see it in their eyes or something?

Something like that. It's what separates the men from the boys, as they say.

And the women from the girls ;-)

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 8

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/21/2010 2:19:11 PM

Wolf2Bear

Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: beej
lol, can you see it in their eyes or something?

Something like that. It's what separates the men from the boys, as they say.

And the women from the girls ;-)

- LA

And the bears from the cubs?

_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 9

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/21/2010 6:00:58 PM

beej

Posts: 145
Joined: 1/24/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Wolf2Bear

quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: beej
lol, can you see it in their eyes or something?

Something like that. It's what separates the men from the boys, as they say.

And the women from the girls ;-)

- LA

And the bears from the cubs?

lmao.

(in reply to Wolf2Bear)

Post #: 10

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/21/2010 7:43:53 PM

DarkSteven

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beej, you may awaken the sleeping Dom within him. Or you may have him try to become a service top to please you. Ya never know.

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Post #: 11

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/22/2010 8:13:47 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I've had kinky relationships with guys I've met through vanilla hobbies or college/university classes or whatever. Usually, I brought it up around the 3rd date or so, but we'd already known each other significantly longer than that. The majority already had some interest/fantasies about it themselves, the rest were open-minded and willing to give it a try. I'm a switch, and didn't need an extreme level of pain (on either side), so I was pretty flexible about how exactly the kink manifested itself within the relationship, though it usually got more intense as we went on.

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 12

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/22/2010 9:55:08 AM

DomBlade64

Posts: 105
Joined: 3/14/2010
Status: offline

I think it would best be left unmentioned.

(in reply to Andalusite)

Post #: 13

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/22/2010 10:03:48 AM

onlyfreelycaged

Posts: 254
Joined: 4/3/2007
Status: offline

It depends on what you like. Most men are able to go a bit into kink once or twice, and even more once they figure out that it leads to more sex...

I normally have the discussion while having sex, and it goes something like this: "Please pull my hair" they do.. "harder".. they do.. I cumm (very loudly). after that, they tend to be open to more.

(in reply to DomBlade64)

Post #: 14

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/22/2010 1:18:12 PM

AAkasha

Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: beej

experiences? good idea or best left alone? it didn't work out with my kinky dude, but i took my temperature and i'm still kinky, lol. my friend said, "well, great. you can go back to dating regular guys (i laughed) and i'm sure you can get them to do some of the things that you like." is it the same though, anyone who's had experience? or will it be like ordering a steak at a wings restaurant? because it isn't just like, oh, i like being handcuffed and popped with a wooden ruler. the power dynamics of the kink harnessed my emotions, and that worked very well with my personality, almost seemed to make sense of pieces of my personality that i've had to put on the back burner in past relationships. it opened me up; it wasn't just fun. so now that i'm here and kink is part of how i engage my feelings, i don't know what to do with the cute waiter at Ruby Tuesday's that i was flirting with before, you know?

Practice makes perfect when it comes to flirting. During the conversations and body language when you are assessing compatibility and attraction, that's when I have found that I can determine if a man is going to be open to kink, and what his orientation or experience level may be. Recently I was in an open social situation with a group of people and I observed the flirting dynamics going on, and without much effort I feel like I was still able to get a pretty good sense of which men would be submissively inclined, which would be dominant, which would be simply, "Oh wow kinky sex cool, tie me up and give me a blow job" and which were honestly good *submissive* material, beyond kinky sex.

There are a great, great many number of men who have submissive ideas and inklings but they are not in the fetish community, don't think dominant women exist (except in porn and fantasy) and as soon as they read between the lines, they are eager to learn more. I find that if I posture as dominant (if they read between the lines) men respond in a couple of different ways. They posture back as dominant, to establish power. Or, they respond like a kinky puppy, bubbly and excited (these are the "tie me up and give me a blow job" types). Or, they fall right into line, politely, sweetly, it's as if they found a home. This is more apparent if you are dealing with a man who is otherwise fairly confident,outspoken, not shy at all - but he has a hidden submissive side he never told a soul about. As soon as he realizes he's dealing with a dominant woman, his body language changes. It's not even intentional.

I also think men sense it, and know a dominant woman when they see one. At a party a few weeks ago (vanilla) I was around a lot of men, a lot of alcohol and a lot of flirting. I knew most of the ladies present, and they were all gorgeous, young, attracting all sorts of male attention. Once the dynamics were in place, and the couple of men that I could "sense" were kinky-minded or submissive got a vibe from me (so subtle, no one really knew but the people "in the know"), they were far more enamored with me than my younger, leaner, prettier, sexier female peers - because these ladies were all posturing as submissive, wanting to be courted, enjoying the attention. My position is more in control, confident, predatory, whatever - that's the vibe I give. Submissive men gravitate toward this, I have no idea how they know. I wasn't even dressed kinky. The other ladies present were dressed so cute, so sexy - like clubbing attire. Every head turned when they came into the room; but by the end of the evening, I had the attention of any of the men who were submissive or curious, that's for sure. Body language, eye contact, control of conversation - it's all established through flirting.

Akasha

< Message edited by AAkasha -- 3/22/2010 1:19:12 PM >

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Post #: 15

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/22/2010 1:21:32 PM

pompeii

Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline

Doesn't woi'k for me. They run away shrieking!

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RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/22/2010 1:39:12 PM

blackdaddy4me

Posts: 4
Joined: 10/14/2009
Status: offline

for years i tried to turn every man i dated into a Dom; their response was always that i needed counselling to fix it

(in reply to pompeii)

Post #: 17

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/22/2010 3:46:07 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

There are a great, great many number of men who have submissive ideas and inklings but they are not in the fetish community, don't think dominant women exist (except in porn and fantasy) and as soon as they read between the lines, they are eager to learn more. I find that if I posture as dominant (if they read between the lines) men respond in a couple of different ways. They posture back as dominant, to establish power. Or, they respond like a kinky puppy, bubbly and excited (these are the "tie me up and give me a blow job" types). Or, they fall right into line, politely, sweetly, it's as if they found a home. This is more apparent if you are dealing with a man who is otherwise fairly confident,outspoken, not shy at all - but he has a hidden submissive side he never told a soul about. As soon as he realizes he's dealing with a dominant woman, his body language changes. It's not even intentional.

I've experienced this exact same thing quite a few times and the last scenario was exactly how many of my relationships begun.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 18

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/22/2010 4:41:18 PM

beej

Posts: 145
Joined: 1/24/2010
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okay, a weird and surely controversial scenario... my ballroom dance instructor has shown an interest in my tits. for a friend of mine, i would raise hell and suggest that she be cautious of sexual harassment, but for myself, it's not a threat. i've been big busted all my life; it's not noteworthy if men notice except perhaps, as with him, i see his weakness (that he's significantly older than i, that he's seen plenty of tits in his tenure as a dance instructor and shouldn't be phased by mine.) i see this as a chance to stretch my wings as a a Domme and draw him into breast worship, if i want. but again, is it advisable to recruit a vanilla man for such a project? i've been under his dance instruction for a few months, and it was just last Monday that he said, "i'm sorry that i may be going too far with sensual dances, but the boobs are too much for me to take," like i wasn't already aware that he was scoping my rack constantly. so i said, "no big deal; you aren't hurting me. this just proves your weakness and that i know what it is and that i can do as i like with it." then class expired, and we happened to be alone just then, and he asked if he could have just a moment with the tits. and i told him, "okay, let's get this out of the way." i allowed him a moment to observe (he's slightly shorter than me in dance heels) and to kind of graze his hand over the shape of things, but as soon as he got ravenous for a nipple, i cut him off. but he was salivating, and then he followed me out the door like a little puppy.

again, i know that this would be considered harassment to many women, but not to me, so let's not descend into that kind of debate. what i'm asking is, since i can clearly see my advantage over the man, should i suggest domination or not? just from other things in his personality, it would be so easy to turn him. but because he's a vanilla in a vanilla scenario that i care about actually (dance class), would it be wrong for me to do it? what say you?

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 19

RE: Proposing Kinky Sex To A Vanilla Date - 3/22/2010 4:44:39 PM

beej

Posts: 145
Joined: 1/24/2010
Status: offline

quote:

I find that if I posture as dominant (if they read between the lines) men respond in a couple of different ways. They posture back as dominant, to establish power. Or, they respond like a kinky puppy, bubbly and excited (these are the "tie me up and give me a blow job" types). Or, they fall right into line, politely, sweetly, it's as if they found a home.

this is a bit of what i'm experiencing, not just with the dance instructor but with other dudes as well. i dunno if i'm giving off a scent, but between the instructor (and the difference between before i came into kink and after), and then another dude who wrote down his address and advised that i come by for a cleaning sometime, i see a difference in how men respond to which muscle i flex, especially if it's a dominant one. i just wonder, is it okay for me to do that? especially when i know that most of the time, it would just be for my own satisfaction and not for a relationship?

< Message edited by beej -- 3/22/2010 4:45:39 PM >

(in reply to AAkasha)

Post #: 20

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