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Sexual Compatibility - 3/22/2010 4:13:55 PM

Tercene

Posts: 4
Joined: 3/21/2010
Status: offline

Hi. I'm looking for guidance and/or mentoring from an experienced Dom to help me deal with a predicament.

My partner and I met a year ago and have been living together for the last six months. We are very much in love and get along happily with the exception of sex.

She is sexually submissive, preferring detached/rough sex and to be stimulated mentally rather than physically. However, outside of sex she is independent and focused, with a volatile nature. She is fastidious and uncompromising in many aspects of our relationship but is also openly happy with me as her partner.

For my part, while I am sexually broadminded and adventurous, I have tended to focus on the physical aspects of sex. That said, I certainly wouldn't describe myself as being in to vanilla sex and know that I have dominant tendencies.

The predicament is that my partner feels we are sexually incompatible and now has me pigeon-holed as preferring vanilla sex. Whenever I've tried to exhibit my dominant tendancies, she has felt it is contrived. There are also some additional complications which I won't go in to at this point.

I'm looking for help in developing my dominant tendancies and tackling the problem of how to transition from where we are now to a more sexually compatible relationship. I'm sure there are many reading this who will feel this is a lost cause but I'm more interested in responses from those who think they can help me. Thanks in advance.

Post #: 1

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/22/2010 5:15:35 PM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

I feel I'd be able to helpbut the level of detail I'd need to offer anything except generic advice would be maybe one step short of sitting and watching you both at it...

Things that occur straight away:

The possibility of refusing to perform vanilla sex altogether.

Focussing less on the physical, and more on the mental.

What about your acts of dominance do you feel she finds contrived? Why is this, do you think?

How much have you talked about this percieved incompatibility? What's her objection to vanilla sex? I and my girl have been in a very solid D/s relationship for years and still very much enjoy a good bit of missionary or doggy...

I keep being drawn to the one statement in your post: That she's "openly happy with you as her partner". What does this mean, exactly, and how does this manifest itself? If I had to guess, I'd say this was an indication that one of you thinks she's too good for you, if you get my meaning.

Another thing that occurs to me is that someone I'd describe as volatile, uncompromising and fastidious would be someone who was dealing with a lot of stress. Close to the mark? If it is, then it may be an indication that she can't relax enough to accept your bedroom dominance, can't let go enough to let you have the control she would like you to have.

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to Tercene)

Post #: 2

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/22/2010 5:43:08 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Ask her for six months for you to explore and learn. There is no way you are going to master shibari overnight or suspension or fisting for that matter. If she wants the relationship, she has to give you some time to learn.

This assumes she does want the relationship. I'm suspect of that. Simply because if she did want it, she wouldn't have announced that you can't satisfy her, because what comes after that statement is the one that says she needs to find someone who can.

Good luck

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Fitznicely)

Post #: 3

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/22/2010 7:15:51 PM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tercene

Hi. I'm looking for guidance and/or mentoring from an experienced Dom to help me deal with a predicament.

My partner and I met a year ago and have been living together for the last six months. We are very much in love and get along happily with the exception of sex.

She is sexually submissive, preferring detached/rough sex and to be stimulated mentally rather than physically. However, outside of sex she is independent and focused, with a volatile nature. She is fastidious and uncompromising in many aspects of our relationship but is also openly happy with me as her partner.

For my part, while I am sexually broadminded and adventurous, I have tended to focus on the physical aspects of sex. That said, I certainly wouldn't describe myself as being in to vanilla sex and know that I have dominant tendencies.

The predicament is that my partner feels we are sexually incompatible and now has me pigeon-holed as preferring vanilla sex. Whenever I've tried to exhibit my dominant tendancies, she has felt it is contrived. There are also some additional complications which I won't go in to at this point.

I'm looking for help in developing my dominant tendancies and tackling the problem of how to transition from where we are now to a more sexually compatible relationship. I'm sure there are many reading this who will feel this is a lost cause but I'm more interested in responses from those who think they can help me. Thanks in advance.

Grins
Just slap the fuck outta the bitch.

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to Tercene)

Post #: 4

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 2:52:29 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

Sorry, but "lost cause" or not, for a balanced discussion someone needs to play devil's advocate....

You wanna learn how to be someone who isn't YOU? Take her out of the equation for a minute - aren't you having sex the way you wanna have sex? I think this "dominant tendancies" is clutching at straws somewhat.

Come on, anyone with dominant tendencies would be in their natural element with a submissive partner yet she's got you pigeon-holed as vanilla sex only!?! Are we to deduce then that you haven't even pushed her to her knees for a bit of forced oral service, as someone with "dominant tendencies" would undoubtedly explore? Or is there fear of her "volatile nature" at work here? (which would probably prove her point)

Kudos for wanting to try but I think you're trying to be someone you're not - and that has only one ultimate outcome....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 5

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 3:10:19 AM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline

Express enough dominance to overwhelm her to the point that she must use her safeword. Then she probably will no longer feel it is contrived. It is about manifesting your own strength. Mastery is firstly of self.

Command her to be patient. As the dominant partner, if you choose "vanilla" then that's what is served up from the menu that day. If she complains about what you generously share, then perhaps some discipline is in order (as distinguished from punishment).

< Message edited by aldompdx -- 3/23/2010 3:11:18 AM >

(in reply to Focus50)

Post #: 6

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 3:28:26 AM

Tercene

Posts: 4
Joined: 3/21/2010
Status: offline

-

< Message edited by Tercene -- 3/23/2010 3:51:57 AM >

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 7

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 3:51:33 AM

Tercene

Posts: 4
Joined: 3/21/2010
Status: offline

She is prepared to give it time and has no wish to move on to someone else. She is sexually numb at present following an abortion last year. At present, she has no sexual urges and is not even masturbating. I am not prepared to be in a sexless relationship and have made this clear.

Whenever I have behaved in a dominant manner she has resisted [and not in a submissive way] because there hasn't been a connection (from her perspective). I could quite easily overpower her physically but I'm not interested in raping her. Whilst I'm confident that this would be acceptable to her if consenting, she would most likely report me for abuse if the connection wasn't there. I'm now somewhat of an underdog as she has me pigeon-holed as preferring vanilla sex but I don't concur with this. I need to turn this around and assert myself.

I believe I need to focus more on mental stimulation as I'm confident the physical will follow. It's less a question of rough vs vanilla sex and more one of me finding a way to channel my dominant side mentally rather than physically.

< Message edited by Tercene -- 3/23/2010 3:57:11 AM >

(in reply to Tercene)

Post #: 8

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 5:20:14 AM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

WTF? You didn't mention that she aborted your baby?

OP, she's gone through an emotional roller coaster lately. She's wondered about having your baby, and not having your baby. She finally decided to have an abortion, which was a gut-wrenching choice for her. (And I suspect that you may have wanted her to get one.) The pregnancy sent her hormones into orbit

Now she's grieving for the child she could have had

During this time, you have been pretty distant to her and let her know that you're not going to be hanging around much longer if she doesn't put out.

For God's sake, man, be there for her. Ask her to share her thoughts with you. Give her a candlelight dinner. Reach out to her.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Tercene)

Post #: 9

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 5:29:49 AM

allthatjaz

Posts: 2878
Joined: 8/20/2008
Status: offline

Sorry Stephen but this is a bit presumptuous. It may not of been his, she may of not wanted it, he may of wanted it (if it was his). We could keep on guessing but we should never presume.

_____________________________

S&M (Steve and Maria) persona libre de convencionalismos

Fan of edgeplay.co.uk

(in reply to DarkSteven)

Post #: 10

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 5:36:21 AM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tercene

She is prepared to give it time and has no wish to move on to someone else. She is sexually numb at present following an abortion last year. At present, she has no sexual urges and is not even masturbating. I am not prepared to be in a sexless relationship and have made this clear.

Whenever I have behaved in a dominant manner she has resisted [and not in a submissive way] because there hasn't been a connection (from her perspective). I could quite easily overpower her physically but I'm not interested in raping her. Whilst I'm confident that this would be acceptable to her if consenting, she would most likely report me for abuse if the connection wasn't there. I'm now somewhat of an underdog as she has me pigeon-holed as preferring vanilla sex but I don't concur with this. I need to turn this around and assert myself.

I believe I need to focus more on mental stimulation as I'm confident the physical will follow. It's less a question of rough vs vanilla sex and more one of me finding a way to channel my dominant side mentally rather than physically.

Addressing the bolded portions above...

This is less about you turning this around and asserting yourself and more about communication. You have a partner who went through and abortion a year ago and is, as you say, sexually numb. Is she also emotionally numb? Have you addressed that and how it could be affecting your relationship?
You state she would report you for abuse if consent and the "connection" wasn't there...sound like you may have bigger problems than just asserting your dominance.

Is your relationship based on a D/s dynamic or is this the direction you wish it to go? Is that what she also wants?

Given what you've posted here, it sounds like you're beyond the "make the slut kneel and suck" point. Seriously, if the two of you really want the relationship to work, seek out a therapist and work on communication.

_____________________________

"No matter what happens in the kitchen, never apologize"~Julia Child~

(in reply to Tercene)

Post #: 11

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 7:42:53 AM

Shyla

Posts: 19
Joined: 5/30/2005
Status: offline

allthatjazz is right, Steven is being a bit presumptuous, however:

It doesn't matter whether she agonized over the decision to abort or was very comfortable with it. It doesn't matter whether the OP agonized over the decision with her. It does matter, a little, if he pushed her or attempted to persuade her towards that particular decision, but not so much.

It matters that she's gone through the termination of a pregnancy. Tercene, no wonder she thinks you don't have an emotional connection. If you have stated or implied to her that you won't stay in a "sexless relationship" while she's attempting to recover emotionally and physicall from this you don't have an emotional connection with her. I'm heartbroken at the sheer lack of compassion implied in your writing, although I'm sure I'm being a bit presumptuous as well. Take a moment and really think about what you have just said here.

_____________________________

T minus 3 weeks and counting until I am home at his feet.

(in reply to CarrieO)

Post #: 12

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 10:04:31 AM

Fitznicely

Posts: 1597
Joined: 10/18/2006
Status: offline

From what I see, she hasn't grieved and is currently very stressed indeed.

Absolutely, this is the reason for the numbness and disinterest in physical relations and the crux of their conflict. This isn't about sex or BDSM or D/s. This is about her, the broken, stressed, grieving woman she is right now.

Steven has indeed been presumptuous - they've been dating for around a year. That leaves a whole three months where it wouldn't be possible for the pregnancy to have had anything to do with Tercene.

I agree with Steven though, she needs to be taken care of. Not just a bit of a dinner though, a couple of weeks somewhere relaxing maybe...

_____________________________

I tell you this: No eternal reward will forgive us now for wasting the dawn
Proud Owner of Darkmoonkat. Such a good girl!

(in reply to Shyla)

Post #: 13

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 10:15:40 AM

vixenmoon

Posts: 35
Joined: 3/19/2009
Status: offline

Oh, my. She needs you. And she doesn't need you to choke her and fuck her. Having an abortion is incredibly hard emotionally and physically even if the person is 100% confident in their choice. I would recommend focusing less on the nookie, and more on guiding her to a greater level of healing. I would think that together time, where you are in "caring dominant" mode, would be helpful. Done properly, this can help her, as well as yourself. The two of you should also discuss the possibility of her going to a therapist to help her heal from the abortion. It may or may not be the right option, but it is definitely something that should be discussed. I get the impression that the two of you seriously need to work on your communication. How often do you just sit and listen to her? And she you? Just... listening, contemplating.

(in reply to Shyla)

Post #: 14

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 1:44:25 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
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An abortion, even if it was wanted and the right thing for her and you, is the loss of a future with a child.
If she is so numb that she is not masturbating, then she has no desire - for herself, for you or for anyone else. Sounds like she needs time to process her regrets, and until she does, she isn't going to be available to you - not just in bed but out as well.

There is a lot to be said for the Victorians one year of mourning, wearing black, then graduating to purple and grey and then on into other colours to symbolise coming out of mourning. I think, from the info. provided, that this is what she is doing. Society didn't expect people to "get over" death in 3 days or a month or 6 months, there was a timeframe, as arbitrary as it may have been. If she lost her father, you wouldn't expect her to snap out of it, so why would you expect something different from the loss of a child - unborn and unwanted though it was.

(in reply to vixenmoon)

Post #: 15

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 3:26:39 PM

Tercene

Posts: 4
Joined: 3/21/2010
Status: offline

Thanks for the responses. It's always dangerous to share a little information as it can easily be taken out of context.

I should clarify the following straight off ... the baby was not mine. She aborted over 3 months before we met. We've talked about family and while she is sometimes broody, she doesn't want children now but is understandbly saddened that she may never bear children of her own (she is 40 now).

I've been there supporting her emotionally since we met and believe I have helped her cope with some aspects of her grief. I don't want to appear a jerk but we met on a sex dating site and she has stated many times that she does not want to be in a sexless relationship so I am naturally a little confused about the mixed messages being sent out. Of course she is suffering from post-abortion stress but equally, she has repeatedly stated that she wants a D/s relationship and hasn't ever enjoyed vanilla sex for the last few years. It was even her suggestion for me to come on to a D/S forum.

I am torn between wanting to stand by her and giving her more time but I also need to satisfy my own sexual needs. I could find it elsewhere but I don't want to have to do this as I think this would be more hurtful and harmful.

We have been to therapy but this has yielded few results thus far. Does anyone have any recommendations for books or articles on post-abortion stress? We have tried several but these have had a heavy religious focus (we are both atheists) but these haven't helped.

< Message edited by Tercene -- 3/23/2010 3:28:48 PM >

(in reply to Tercene)

Post #: 16

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 4:47:53 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

i have had a termination and while it was the right decision at the time and blah blah, it still hurts after years passing. the deepest regret is in killing that child that had no chance of life and that i will never know and never hold, but i was young enough to know that when the right time came along i could have a baby, and i did, but i still grieve and feel guilt for the baby i couldnt show enough love to through no fault of its own, but plenty of fault on my part. its a deep guilt that im afraid to say will never go away.

i think you maybe should just check out on the net somewhere and see if there are books that can help you to understand what she's going through, maybe theres a book that allows you to work through a programme of things, help her to deal with it with you.

in a way too, it might help her to feel that you are her dominant male partner in that you are taking the trouble to find some proactive way forward for her and with her. theres more to being a dominant than being Dominant.

as for the dominant sex - i cant help you - but i think that maybe if you can get through this together the trust and bond will strengthen and as things get a little easier sexually for her you can up the anti gently, naturally and as the mood takes you both.

its a hard place for you to be, so that love youre talking about is going to get stretched a bit - but if you really do want to make this work i think youve already suggested it. read up and work through it with her, together.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Tercene)

Post #: 17

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 4:50:47 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
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You are fucked. Take what is left of your dignity and split.

_____________________________

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 18

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 5:25:58 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

I have to say, I agree with Domiguy. I don't see a good end to this situation. You can love someone and still not be able to live with them.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 19

RE: Sexual Compatibility - 3/23/2010 7:37:56 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Tercene

I should clarify the following straight off ... the baby was not mine. She aborted over 3 months before we met. We've talked about family and while she is sometimes broody, she doesn't want children now but is understandbly saddened that she may never bear children of her own (she is 40 now).

I apologize. I somehow read that the abortion was three months ago, which would have made it yours. The fact that it was three months before you met makes a world of difference.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to Tercene)

Post #: 20

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