CaringandReal
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Joined: 2/15/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Shyla
It matters that she's gone through the termination of a pregnancy. Tercene, no wonder she thinks you don't have an emotional connection. If you have stated or implied to her that you won't stay in a "sexless relationship" while she's attempting to recover emotionally and physicall from this you don't have an emotional connection with her. I'm heartbroken at the sheer lack of compassion implied in your writing, although I'm sure I'm being a bit presumptuous as well. Take a moment and really think about what you have just said here.
Just a little. (Meant sincerely, not snidely--it's a pity that one sometimes have to say that one's words mean exactly what they say, but in the Land of DumbAss Snarkitude--aka Collarme Forums--this is sometimes necessary to avoid unmeant negativity--and coming off as a DumbAss! I really do mean just a little bit as in not a whole lot. :) ) Different women have different responses to abortion. For some it's a very welcome relief and has no negative effect on their outlooks. The response depends a lot on one's beliefs and attitudes. And some never experience much of a hormonal ride, during pregnancy or afteward.
To Tercene: How long did you know here before you two started living together? A relationship pattern has been set and these are awfully hard to break, people being the habitual creatures that they are, but it may be possible if it hasn't been around too long and if both parties want this (emphasis on that second point). From a submissive standpoint, it's very hard to turn around a submissive's viewpoint if they decide you are not dominant. I've seen that happen to more than one dominant.
I know you don't want to hear "it's hopeless," so here's all I have to offer: right now she's got your balls in a vice, you are trapped in a lose-lose situation. She may not completely know that she's done that. I think you need to make her aware both of her contradictory behavior and of the fact that you are aware of it. Here's the contradiction: she rejects any attempt you make to dominate here and then she twists that around into you are clearly interested in vanilla mainly, not dominance. It may be you are interested in dominance but cannot dominate her, but to reject your attempts at dominance and then claim YOU are the one not interested in dominance is a bit... nuts. It's a game, in fact. I think that she may be pushing you away sexually (the preference for "mental dominance" also suggests this) but she knows you need a physical relationship and will not remain in a sexless one. This may be (I am not sure but her behavior suggests it) a subtle way of getting the sexless relationship she wants while still keeping you around. I know what I am saying is not very sympathetic toward you partner, but what she is doing strikes me as an emotional game and such games usually have ulterior motives, and have little to do with the "apparent" issues. The apparent issue to her is you are not dominant. The actual issue is you are, but she resists acknowledging that at every turn. I think she might be frightened of submitting, of giving up control. This is her issue, then, not yours, and while you can try to help her acknowledge what it is she really wants and come to grips with it, the ball is basically in her park. Whether the relationship will change depends mainly on whether she's ready or willing to change and admit what's actually going on, rather than continuing to play games and making up scripts/dramas like you aren't dominant that clearly isn't close to reality.
Did something happen early in your relationship with her that might have got her thinking this way? For instance, at first were you timid or cautious about bringing up bdsm with her? If she really wanted that sort of relationship from the start, and you were too slow to initiate it, this might have left a bad taste in her mouth and you may be paying the price for an early hesitation. This is also a pattern I've seen before. People pretty much can't help these sorts of responses: we're sensitive, we pick up on cues, and we come to conclusions when things are missing in relationships, even if they are the wrong conclusions.
I have a pet that was a rescue. Based on her behavior, I can tell her previous owner was cruel to her, hurt her. She's extremely shy about being picked up and held: the only time I can do so is when she's in a certain spot in the house and no other. Sometimes, if I don't approach her right, she freaks out and runs from that spot to all corners of the house. If I manage to pick up up in another spot she goes insane trying to get away from me. But if I pick her up "the right way" once she's in my arms she is the most loving, affectionate, wonderous animal possible. She was hurt, bad enough that she plays what "appear" to be games (but are actually just fear responses burned into her brain when she was young) but not so bad that we can't have a mutually enjoyable friendship/relationship. :) Human game-playing is far more complex, and can be more subtle and also more intentional, but it usually arises from the same source: somebody got hurt, bad, and so can no longer act straigtforwardly. I can't ever explain to my pet the causes of her behavior. But you can explore that with another person, and sometimes, if you're luckly, understanding such things is enough to bring about needed change.
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"A friend who bleeds is better" --placebo
"How seldom we recognize the sound when the bolt of our fate slides home." --thomas harris
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RE: Sexual Compatibility - 
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