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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 5:08:03 PM   
DarlingSavage


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Status: offline 		I don't really have a set list of factors, I've tried to think of some due to things I've read. But for the most part, to me "The One" is going to be that person that brings out my submissive side in such a way that I can't deny them anything. I love that feeling. I don't know what it is that makes it. It's a certain je ne sais quoi.

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 5:08:25 PM   
LadyAngelika


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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: MasterXMagnum
I have, personally, waited until I'm past the idea of duplicating precisely what I had with my wife, so as to make it possible to let my feelings about the next person in my life to be judged on her own merits rather in an unfair comparison of a long and loving relationship.


That is incredibly good advice.


I concur. The trick is being self-aware enough to recognize this. I often say that my last partner set the bar really high. When I started dating again (too early), I kept thinking to myself that the man before me was nothing compared to my former. That is when I realised that I wasn't ready and waited again a little longer.

As for the OP, I think that we need to find someone who is compatible with us on many levels. Physical attraction and chemistry are important. But beyond this, you need common values and goals, a similar approach to life and similar beliefs. The more points of compatibility, the more chances of success.

Then the real challenge comes to deal with all the curve balls life throws at you.

- LA

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 5:09:52 PM   
Jeffff


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Status: offline 		I hate it when we agree............. yet, here we are.   :)

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 5:17:14 PM   
LadyAngelika


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

I hate it when we agree............. yet, here we are.   :)


It's bound to happen now and then ;-)

- LA

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 6:09:10 PM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
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There are a LOT of people who "settle" for many reasons. Women especially, once they reach a certain age, realize that "Mr Perfect" isn't going to come around so they "settle" for Mr Good Credit who Wants To Start A Family. Other people 'settle' for someone who isn't their ideal in every single way because they feel they would be happy starting a future with someone.

Strangely enough the people who know, at the start, that they're 'settling' for someone who shares their goals, dreams and aspirations tend to last longer than the people who marry because they're in passionate love and can't live without the person.

Then again I got lucky. My heart aches at the mere thought of being separate from my husband, but at the same time we both want the same things in life and it's not solely a 'passion' based marriage.

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 7:26:53 PM   
Andalusite


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Status: offline 		I don't think there is such a thing as "the One," it's just that when someone who is monogamous finds someone they're compatible with, they stop looking! Things didn't work out in my former relationships, but only two ended on actively bad terms, and I'm still in occasional contact with most of them. I think they're wonderful men, and I wish them well. I'm happy with my Master, and I very much hope things work out with him, but I'm pretty flexible and easygoing. I do have some pretty specific requirements and standards for being in a relationship, but I don't feel they're unrealistic.

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 7:35:58 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		I've always maintained that having mutual goals and passions other than flesh or emotional bonds are more lasting. But thats not "romantic" enough,and I get shot down. Usually by people who change relationships like they do underwear.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

-FR-

There are a LOT of people who "settle" for many reasons. Women especially, once they reach a certain age, realize that "Mr Perfect" isn't going to come around so they "settle" for Mr Good Credit who Wants To Start A Family. Other people 'settle' for someone who isn't their ideal in every single way because they feel they would be happy starting a future with someone.

Strangely enough the people who know, at the start, that they're 'settling' for someone who shares their goals, dreams and aspirations tend to last longer than the people who marry because they're in passionate love and can't live without the person.

Then again I got lucky. My heart aches at the mere thought of being separate from my husband, but at the same time we both want the same things in life and it's not solely a 'passion' based marriage.


< Message edited by Smutmonger -- 3/23/2010 7:36:45 PM >

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 7:48:29 PM   
Andalusite


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Status: offline 		Smutmonger, for me, I need both. If there isn't any love or romance, at least to start out with before they have years and years to fade, what separates them from being a friend who I have interests in common with? I have some gay friends who I love hanging out with and going dancing with, who I've known for 7-8 years now, but it would be pointless to marry them!

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 3/23/2010 7:49:42 PM >

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 7:53:35 PM   
Elisabella


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

Smutmonger, for me, I need both. If there isn't any love or romance, at least to start out with before they have years and years to fade, what separates them from being a friend who I have interests in common with? I have some gay friends who I love hanging out with and going dancing with, who I've known for 7-8 years now, but it would be pointless to marry them!


To me, at least, the difference between friends, lovers, and marriage is that when you're married, there's a concept of "two becoming one" and your mindset starts to shift from "who I am, what I want" to "who we are, what we want" and that difference is not found in passion, but rather in commitment.

However there are many people who have had long and happy marriages maintaining their status as 'individual' so that way isn't for everyone.

Also one of my three best friends (gay) and I made a 'pact' in high school that if we were both 35 and single we'd marry each other, have a beautiful child together, and stay up all night sharing dirt on our passionate affairs. So that could work too

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 9:04:42 PM   
LafayetteLady


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Status: offline 		I think people use the term "settling" the same way they use the word "regret." Many people have a really fantasical idea of what that "one" will be and are unable to let go of that ideal that lives, really only inside their head. It becomes a matter of failing to see the forest for the trees. Sometimes when people seem to "think" they are settling, it is really a matter of the "one" they end up with is perfect for them, but not the ideal in their head. Which, when you think about it, is really sad. To not see what is right in front of your face, because they don't meet some ridiculous "ideal" you decided in your head that you want.

Just like "regret." I always hear people talking about regreting this that or the other thing that they have done. I always think, well why the hell did you do it if you were going to regret it? I honestly don't have anything in my life that I regret. Do I have things that I would not do again? Sure, but that is different than "regret." I married my ex husband, and with the beacon of 20/20 hindsight I can honestly see that it was doomed from the start and I wouldn't do it again if I went back with that knowledge. But regret marrying him? No. We have a son together who, although in the throes of teenagerhood makes me crazy more often than not, he is my one unique link in the world. Had I not married my ex husband there are a lot of things that have occured in my life that wouldn't have happened without that experience. Good things. Bad things as well, but I learned from the bad things and the good things and they made me who I am today. I like who I am today. If I regreted the marriage, then I would also regret who I am. It was an experience that brought me to today.

People who live with regrets are not nearly as happy as those who don't. Perhaps I am able to quickly judge whether I will regret something and choose not to do it.

Likewise the concept of "settling." We all create this "image" of the perfect match. Of course that image is made up of all the best things, intelligence, humor, wit, charm, grace, height, athleticism to name just a few. Many women want a man more intelligent than they are, and so they let a lot of really great guys go by because they are unable to see that the man is smart, just not in the same way. As a really intelligent woman, waiting for a guy who is smarter is going to take a while. My partner is by no means stupid, but he is intelligent about different things. That is how two people complement each other. One picks up where the other leaves off. Some women want a certain height and will pass by men who are a couple inches shorter than that because they don't want to "settle" for less than they want. The list will go on and on. Yes, I speak mostly from the female perspective, but it is no different for the man, just a different list.

The point is you can wait for the "ideal" that lives in your head. Or you can realize that the image in your head is a fantasy and your true "ideal" may not have all those requirements you set in your head and look at the people in front of you and figure out that someone may be your "ideal," and the image in your head is not what really will work for you.

Because like I said, people who live with many regrets are rarely happy. People who continually search for the image they conjured in their head fail to see the beauty in those around them and usually die alone. The one thing I know is that I have chosen to live my life in reality. When I am on my death bed, unlike so many people, I won't be asking a lot of "what ifs..." or "I wishes...."

Each, of course makes their own choice. I believe in my heart of hearts that I will die happier than most because I made the choices that I did.

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 9:05:59 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Yep... I have felt that. However just because someone brought that out in me did not mean they were necessarily a good fit. I find instead of telling myself that this must be the one.. I enjoy the feeling in an of itself. That someone made me remember the things I love about me. That stays... the relationship rarely ends up to be one of those, 'ones.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarlingSavage

to me "The One" is going to be that person that brings out my submissive side in such a way that I can't deny them anything. I love that feeling.


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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/23/2010 9:08:18 PM   
Missokyst


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Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Ahh... I guess that some relationships hit the skids..

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger
Usually by people who change relationships like they do underwear.




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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/24/2010 2:46:14 AM   
ranja


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Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Elisabella

Strangely enough the people who know, at the start, that they're 'settling' for someone who shares their goals, dreams and aspirations tend to last longer than the people who marry because they're in passionate love and can't live without the person.



I sort of settled... i tend to drift along with anothers feelings and he wanted me very much... which was extremely flattering...
He was ok, but there were some things about him that were not ideal at all... i was NOT wearing rose tinted glasses and went into the relationship thinking "ah well, lets give it a go, i can always go home if it does not work out"
We got married because it was giving me a proper station, not because of romantic notions.

I think absolutely everybody is flawed... falling in love has most often nothing to do with the other person, it is a feel good thing within yourself... that also explains why so many people seem to fall in love with total twits, something i have done too.

If you have a half decent partner then falling in love will most likely happen at some point if you let it, like you will catch the flu a number of times throughout your life too.

Falling in hate can happen too... some times it happens to couples and most people break up when it happens... i think quite often people should just sit it out... it will change at some point just the same as the being IN love does not last forever.

We've been together for about 20 years, we have been inlove a number of times and in hate one really long time.
We get along ok whether in love or in hate, we are not perfect, but a good match
i would not want to live without Him, He is my rock.

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/24/2010 5:04:04 AM   
CarrieO


Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
Status: offline 		I've trimmed the quotes to only address the questions in the op.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

People talk about settling as if any time they spent with someone who at the time they considered to be the person they loved. was in hindsight, settling.

Why is that, do you suppose?


I don't see what you've described as settling.  I see that as being in a relationship.  When using hindsight, some of the relationships I've been in will be wanting because I'm looking at them form the backend. If it wasn't right, I'd still be in them.

When I think of settling, I think of one friend in particular who complains about certain traits that have been present in her past relationships, if not the cause of them ending. Yet when it comes down to her being alone vs being with a man who has these traits, she'll choose the man because she doesn't want to be alone.  She settles for the smoker even though her kids have asthma, the hot tempered angry man even though here ex was verbally abusive to her and the kids, the undocumented worker even though her ex married her just to get a green card.  She's told me numerous times she doesn't want to be alone and has hidden new relationships because, as she later admitted, they were just repeats of the same old thing.

That's settling.

People choose to settle for different reasons not the least of which is fear of being alone. 


quote:


Is it really settling when you have lived it and enjoyed what time you spent together? Do people really regard their failed relationships and marriages as not finding the right one? What about the good times?


Again, I don't see what you've described as settling.  Hindsight is 20/20 and in looking back, a person can see actions and patterns they may want to avoid when looking for their next partner, that's all.

I do see my past relationships as not finding the long-term right one.  At the time, they were right and I don't regret them but these people weren't right for me in a long-term sense.  That's why we aren't together.  I keep the positive aspects as good memories and see the negative as learning experiences that allow me to grow.



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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/24/2010 6:02:29 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I see a lot of people who toss out someone or put them aside because they are not feeling that IN love feeling anymore. In my view love evolves, love changes, sometimes morphs into hate for a time, then maybe indifference, and perhaps back to love, but only rarely IN love. but a good match is hard to find. I did not love my husband but I would have stuck it out had he not found someone else to change into his ideal. He went through 4 marriages until he found his own rock.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja
i think quite often people should just sit it out... it will change at some point just the same as the being IN love does not last forever.

We get along ok whether in love or in hate, we are not perfect, but a good match
i would not want to live without Him, He is my rock.


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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/24/2010 6:13:18 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		This sounds like my niece. I have met several men and women who barely can skip a beat before moving on to the next one. Here on the boards (*this and others*) is where I noticed that so many who suddenly discover they must be sub or dominant shove aside their prior relationship as if those years spent together had been wasted.
Like you I also see all memories as learning experiences.

quote:

ORIGINAL: CarrieO
Yet when it comes down to her being alone vs being with a man who has these traits, she'll choose the man because she doesn't want to be alone. 
quote:


Is it really settling when you have lived it and enjoyed what time you spent together? Do people really regard their failed relationships and marriages as not finding the right one? What about the good times?


I keep the positive aspects as good memories and see the negative as learning experiences that allow me to grow.




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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/24/2010 7:44:57 AM   
beej


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

I don't think there is such a thing as "the One," it's just that when someone who is monogamous finds someone they're compatible with, they stop looking!


i agree with this. The One is wherever you end up after you've made all kinds of investments in a worthwhile someone. i don't think that terminology has to mean, "this is the only person with whom i could have gotten it right." rather, it can mean that at some point you take a look at your someone and decide, "i'm cashing in my chips on you. i'm not going to hold something on the side in the event that..." things go to shit somehow. perhaps its useful to think not of finding "The One" but of choosing "This One." because even when you make that decision and fully invest yourself in a relationship, it may not work out. but i think the intention, "i'm sticking with This One," is what sees you through those dark and foggy places in relationships where you really don't know if things are going to clear up next month. wherever you need to ride on faith, i think it helps to have decided, "this is The One That I Want" and to know specifically why that is, especially when your partner is pissing you off and you can't recall ever having liked the mofo. :) feeling in love isn't going to help you then.

< Message edited by beej -- 3/24/2010 7:49:16 AM >

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/24/2010 8:04:40 AM   
Andalusite


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Status: offline 		Elisabella, as ranja points out, love can wax and wane over the course of a relationship. I don't need the schoolgirl crush overwhelming hormones kind of passion, but if I didn't love the other person, or they didn't love me, then getting married to them seems to me that we would be setting ourselves up for failure. I'm not talking about the cycle that ranja refers to, but never developing love in the first place.

beej, that seems pretty reasonable - I haven't so far really felt inclined to use that label, but I agree that sticking it out and perservering even when things go wrong a bit, as long as the relationship in general is healthy and not abusive, is very important.

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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/24/2010 8:52:55 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I love this!
quote:

ORIGINAL: beej

not "The One" but of choosing "This One."


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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/24/2010 9:47:34 AM   
Musicmystery


Posts: 30259
Joined: 3/14/2005
Status: offline 		~FR~

I know quite a few people sitting at home alone telling themselves it's good, they aren't going to "settle" for less than they deserve.

Sounds good, but they're confusing reasonable standards with self-absorption.

Get out. Live life. Not everything has to be forever. It's a journey.


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