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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/24/2010 11:00:33 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		I can't speak for anyone other than Myself.... I don't and never have 'settled' for second best. I look for compatibility, when I find it then thats the person I move forward with. But also I don't expect to find 'the one' with whom I will spend the rest of My life living happily ever after. I don't have a 'use by' date on the relationship but I do expect it to last for as long as it works, then end. 'As long as it works' May mean until one of Us is in a box (Probably Me in that case as I am considerably older and also Male), but it also maybe that as We grow and change We need to grow in different directions.

For instance, My girl is young yet, she asked permission to look into getting sterilised, I refused that permission. Now I do not want any more kids and currently neither does she, but as I said, she is young yet.... in five or ten years, the bio clock maybe start ticking and she may change her mind. If so then she will still be young enough to do so.... If it does then I will release her so she can follow that need. If she doesn't then she can ask Me again at that time and We will see THEN about having her tubes tied.

If We do part ways, then I will find someone else compatible, someone who needs what I offer and gives Me what I require... that too will last for as long as it works.

How do I view My past relationships?... some damn fine memory's, some lovely people (Others turned out to be not so lovely, but even there We shared some amazing times). Life is a journey and none of those that travelled hand in hand with My for a time, be it short or long, where a mistake... after all, change one footstep of that journey and I might not have ended up here, as Who I am today.... I quite like who I am today so I see no mistakes, even the bad experiences where learned from and played their part.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 41
RE: Is it really settling? - 3/24/2010 4:08:49 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Musicmystery

~FR~

I know quite a few people sitting at home alone telling themselves it's good, they aren't going to "settle" for less than they deserve.

Sounds good, but they're confusing reasonable standards with self-absorption.

Get out. Live life. Not everything has to be forever. It's a journey.




This is a very good way of putting it. Those same people are usually hung up on things that are very trivial and they don't look past that particular attribute. It's that "self-absorbed" attitude making them think they "deserve" anything they want. Typically they also tend to think they are far better than they are so what they think they "deserve" and the reality are often different.

At the same time though, those types of people don't bother me. I tend to laugh and then ignore them while they sit home at night waiting for that "right" person to come and pretty soon they are on their death bed wondering what they did wrong.

(in reply to Musicmystery)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Is it really settling? - 3/24/2010 5:42:49 PM   
StrongSpirit


Posts: 575
Joined: 4/10/2005
Status: offline 		Never settle.  But you definitely have to UPGRADE.

The problem isn't that people's 'standards are too high and they need to reduce them to get a realistic mate.'   Instead the problem is almost always that people have CRAPPY standards.   

I don't want an apology from Tiger Woods, I want an apology from Mrs. Tiger Woods (Elin Nordegren)  This gold digger was willing to marry a professional athlete named TIGER.   He was always a horny, rich SOB that screwed anything in a skirt.    He didn't change.  Anyone that knew him quickly figured out exactly what kind of cheating player he was, long before she married him.  She did it anyway.  Now she has gall to complain about his sexual escapades and physically attack him?  What's she going to do next - take a pistol into the zoo, jump into the lion's cage and shoot the lion because it was going to attack her?

Why did she marry him if she wasn't willing to put up with that crap?   Because this drop dead gold digger put money and fame on the top of her standards and boom she gets a shmuck like Tiger.  I'm sure there are LOTS of poly and bi woman that would have loved to marry Tiger and would have JOINED him in bed with his conquests.   If she was not willing to put up with kind of crap, she should have let someone else marry him.

Note, men are often no better.  Not even Doms or Subs.   We put breast and weight ahead of better standards.

People need to UPGRADE your standards.  Make a list of your must haves and "bonus stuff".  Then go through your must have stuff and ask "If I met someone that was a billionaire and drop dead gorgeous and had everything else on both lists, EXCEPT this one, would I still date them?"  If the answer is "Yes", then move it to your "bonus stuff" list.

Then go through and try to figure out if you missed anything.

Then you need to be sure to check the "Must Have" stuff before even considering the bonus stuff.    That is, don't bother looking to see if they are thin/tall if they hate kinky people.

So, I tell people never settle, but instead upgrade your standards.  You will be happier.


< Message edited by StrongSpirit -- 3/24/2010 5:47:43 PM >

(in reply to LafayetteLady)
Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Is it really settling? - 3/25/2010 3:18:09 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I see a lot of people who toss out someone or put them aside because they are not feeling that IN love feeling anymore. In my view love evolves, love changes, sometimes morphs into hate for a time, then maybe indifference, and perhaps back to love, but only rarely IN love. but a good match is hard to find. I did not love my husband but I would have stuck it out had he not found someone else to change into his ideal. He went through 4 marriages until he found his own rock.

quote:

ORIGINAL: ranja
i think quite often people should just sit it out... it will change at some point just the same as the being IN love does not last forever.

We get along ok whether in love or in hate, we are not perfect, but a good match
i would not want to live without Him, He is my rock.




I agree that love evolves, feelings do change over the course of a long relationship; life happens and some experiences and time passing change your perspective about things and yourself and your partner.
Obviously split ups can not always be avoided and sometimes it might even be the best thing to do.

It was my own choice to be with my Husband, and i am the type of person who makes their bed and lays in it...
Luckily He lays in there with me and would not even consider getting out.

Whereas at the time i met him i might have seen the negatives as well as the positives and i was not totally crazy in-love as i had been before with other (totally unsuitable) males,
now i have to conclude that what i settled for at the time has actually turned out to be THE ABSOLUTE BEST decision i ever made.

Had i not met Him, i am sure another would have come along eventually...maybe even one just as good as my Husband... The whole thing is more about me than who i am partnered with though, it is my struggle to give and take, my struggle to deal with negative things, my joy in finding happiness, my ability to count my blessings and feel happy.
It is my life and i chose to live it like this, i feel totally selfish about my own experiences and choices.

Very often people blame their partners for not being good enough... i have been there aswell... i found when i blamed him that i had lost control of the situation, it was much more helpful to change my line of thinking and blame myself and so enable myself to do something about the problem.

I absolutely love the fact that we have 20 years of experiences together, that we have history, that we have battled and both have come out as winners.

Missokyst i hope you find a rock in someone too.
i hope everyone finds a rock and appreciate it when they have it.

(in reply to Missokyst)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Is it really settling? - 3/25/2010 6:20:24 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I think we are much the same. For me being committed to someone is long term, once I make that association in my head it is a done deal. That is why I still love the 2 men who claimed me. It was not so much a promise I made to them, it was a promise I made to me. My loyalty does not change regardless of the circumstance. Both my loves know that and have remained in my life for a decade and more.

With my husband I had a similar mindset but without giving him my full committment since at the time I was still too timid to make any sort of informed choice. I was able to cut that bond once he left to seek out a new target. lol I feel I dodged a bullet on that one, I would not have been the one to make the move to cut the tie. In that case I would have chosen to stick it out regardless of how I felt about him. Thankfully he removed himself, and with no other feeling (neither love or hate) inside me for him, I think I found it more to be a 7 year prison sentence I had completed.

(in reply to ranja)
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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/27/2010 1:39:53 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I think we all spend a certain amount of time with people we know aren't "The One" but also realize that it is a temporary situation, to be enjoyed for what it is.

The only time I would consider it to be "settling" is if a person chooses to be with someone they really have no desire to be with... out of fear that nothing else will come along.

(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/27/2010 7:37:34 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst
This is a rant, but I am very curious about how people regard their prior relationships and whether then really believe they "settled"
I never settled. I made the best choices I could at the time. I don't look back on any of my past relationships with regret despite one of them having some pretty extremely negative consequences. In the end, they and all my other experiences are my life. I choose not to take on a victim mentality.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/27/2010 9:58:35 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		I don't think I ever entered a relationship wondering if this was the one. I began each with the intent to have fun, go out and explore, talk and laugh, and if there was to be more it just happened as I became familar with them. Also there was never a conscious thought that any of them was to be temporary, except for one and as it turned out that man was to be one of the 2 loves in my life.

Dating someone that I had no desire to be with is too foreign a thought for me to contemplate.


quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

I think we all spend a certain amount of time with people we know aren't "The One" but also realize that it is a temporary situation, to be enjoyed for what it is.

The only time I would consider it to be "settling" is if a person chooses to be with someone they really have no desire to be with... out of fear that nothing else will come along.


(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Is it really settling? - 3/27/2010 10:02:10 AM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		That is the way I see it, particularly when I am approached by married men who tell me they "settled" but now are looking for more. Excuse me? Settled? Seems more like they don't want to give up on one thing while they explore another.

quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
I choose not to take on a victim mentality.


(in reply to leadership527)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Is it really settling? - 3/27/2010 10:31:49 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst

I don't think I ever entered a relationship wondering if this was the one. I began each with the intent to have fun, go out and explore, talk and laugh, and if there was to be more it just happened as I became familar with them. Also there was never a conscious thought that any of them was to be temporary, except for one and as it turned out that man was to be one of the 2 loves in my life.

Dating someone that I had no desire to be with is too foreign a thought for me to contemplate.


quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

I think we all spend a certain amount of time with people we know aren't "The One" but also realize that it is a temporary situation, to be enjoyed for what it is.

The only time I would consider it to be "settling" is if a person chooses to be with someone they really have no desire to be with... out of fear that nothing else will come along.




I use "the one" because it was part of the opening post and perhaps I find myself beginning to think in those terms as I imagine the possibility of being alone in twenty years... because that would be preferable, to my definition of settling.

(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/27/2010 11:14:24 AM   
LadyPhoenix85


Posts: 13
Joined: 3/16/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Madame4a


I have never settled and never will.. why would I?  I'd rather be single than feel that I've settled for something less than I need, want or deserve... being alone is preferable...



I second this motion. Why would I settle, knowing that I don't really love this person, that this person doesn't meet my emotional or physical needs?

(in reply to Madame4a)
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RE: Is it really settling? - 3/27/2010 6:01:27 PM   
LafayetteLady


Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: StrongSpirit

Never settle.  But you definitely have to UPGRADE.

The problem isn't that people's 'standards are too high and they need to reduce them to get a realistic mate.'   Instead the problem is almost always that people have CRAPPY standards.   


I never said that people should "reduce" their standards exactly. But the "standards" that I referred to are all the superficial things that really shouldn't matter anyway. I believe, also, this happens much more often with women than with men. They create this "image" in their head. Must be at least 6 feet tall, brown hair, blue eyes, 6 pack abs, IQ of 175 at least, make a minimum of 6 figures a year, etc." These are not "standards." These are characteristics. So when "she" (generic she) dismisses the 5'10" guy with thinning air and a little bit of a belly who is the president of his company and a member of Mensa because she won't "lower her standards" is an idiot and deserves to be alone. It's one thing to not want someone who is horribly obese, a midget or unemployed. It's quite another to dismiss men who are otherwise perfect but are the wrong height, weight or have the wrong eye color.

There is a difference between having "high standards" and having standards that are practically impossible to meet. I don't often speak of my IQ because I see no need to announce it, but suffice it to say that if I were going to hold out for a guy who is smarter than me, the possibilities become like a needle in a haystack. I didn't "lower" my standards, I became realistic. I chose a man who is certainly not stupid, he is quite intelligent in his own way. But the other things he has to offer are much more important.



The "standards" that should be important to everyone are intelligence, without having to put a specific number on it; sense of humor; kindness; a good heart. Yes physical attraction is important, but if you can only be attracted to the really "hot" Brad Pitt type of guy, you are going to be alone.

The main point here is that the women who are typically alone for long periods of time and say it is because they won't "settle" for less than they "deserve" usually have set that "standard" so high due to some intimacy issues that keep them from succeeding in relationships. I'm sorry, but a lot of the women that I meet or know who are alone because they won't settle pretty much have their heads up their asses thinking they are a lot more of "all that" than they really are.



(in reply to StrongSpirit)
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RE: Is it really settling? - 4/4/2010 1:01:47 AM   
NefertariReborn


Posts: 381
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: Missokyst
Is it really settling when you have lived it and enjoyed what time you spent together?
Do people really regard their failed relationships and marriages as not finding the right one? What about the good times?
This is a rant, but I am very curious about how people regard their prior relationships and whether then really believe they "settled"



I have a rather unique perspective on relationships (unique in that I have never heard anyone else ever espouse the same perspective) in that I feel that relationships have a certain lifespan. Some are meant to last a lifetime, others a few years and some just for the weekend. 


You are obviously a very lucky person who has never been the recipient of FWDS from friends.  Because if you had you would sadly, or happily realized that your perspective has been around the world 3 kabillion jillion times because at 3 am tomorrow because it was forwarded something good was going to happen.  Honestly, the person who forwarded it to Me won 20 trillion dollars in the powerball lottery.  I  didn't forward it so I got nada.  BUT today I'm redeeming Myself .  I'm forwarding it to you in hopes that I win at least a trillion, I'm not greedy. 

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON...It is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a Godsend and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. Sometimes they die. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. Your need has been answered, and now it is time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON...It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.


Devastating isn't it when you think you have a unique idea and someone else has beaten you to the punch (Damn that Steve Jobs and his ipad.  I had that idea FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Now forward it to someone and watch your lottery numbers come up.  Just don't do it this weekend I have plans for that money already. 

< Message edited by NefertariReborn -- 4/4/2010 1:03:37 AM >

_____________________________

“Security is mostly a superstition…Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.” -Helen Keller

“How will you become a clear mirror if you resent being polished

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