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hard limits in vanilla sex - 3/23/2010 1:41:29 PM

switch2please

Posts: 494
Joined: 12/5/2008
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I wasn't sure where to post this, but it relates to (mental) health and (emotional) safety so this section seems like a safe bet. It is vaguely sexual, but not D/s related. If there's a more appropriate place to post this, please let me know...

I am in an open poly relationship with my boyfriend. To clarify, we haven't shared partners (though this is something I'm looking forward to) but we do sleep with other people. Sometimes these are good friends who we also have a sexual relationship with, sometimes spontaneous encounters with new friends. I have a close network of sexually open friends, and he prefers experimenting with new partners.

Within a D/s dynamic, limits are fully negotiated because there are admitted risks of physical or emotional harm - so every play partner I've had is well aware that tickling is a hard limit for me because it brings up negative memories and puts me in a bad place. Within a sexual friendship or a vanilla relationship, there are also limits but they're usually discussed on a case-by-case basis - such as no hickeys, limited public displays of affection, and safe sex is a must, but no mention of sexual trauma or childhood abuse unless it's relevant because it's not usually an issue and I don't relish talking about it.

A friend came over the other night. He's never tickled me before so I didn't think to mention the effect it can have. We enjoyed dinner and a bottle of wine and became intimate, and at one point he wanted to see me laugh and thought it would be cute to start seriously tickling me. I've been accidentally tickled before and recovered quickly but this time I shut down, got angry and helpless and cried and didn't want to be touched and I was unable to explain why for about an hour.

I realize I should have firmly stated from the beginning that tickling is not okay. If an informed partner had ignored this, I would have felt betrayed and violated and would not have continued an intimate relationship. If I was tickled while submitting, I would have very harsh feelings toward the dominant. This was a vanilla situation with an uninformed partner, so I realize it's an honest mistake on his part. We've discussed it and he understands my reaction, and understands that it was a direct reaction to the tickling but directed towards the sensation and its relation to past incidents rather than being directed towards him.

I used to inform every partner, and not only is it an awkward conversation but it can preclude sexual relations or inspire a sympathetic response when I don't want a hug, I want to get laid!! It's doubly awkward when I'm craving rough sex or a 'forced' roleplay, because these desires are seen as some sort of a sexual Stockholm syndrome.

My question is this: with a vanilla partner, when is the appropriate time to bring up past sexual trauma and/or certain reminiscent actions? I don't want to burden partners with my past, and I don't want to preclude sexual relations...I just don't want a repeat of this incident.

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RE: hard limits in vanilla sex - 3/23/2010 2:51:13 PM

GraciousLady

Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
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I see no reason to tell anyone your in a casual sexual relationship with about your past. That's certainly a buzz kill and TMI. When you know something sexual is about to happen just say in a casul, passing way you hate to be tickled if that eases your mind that tickling will not happen. If asked why you hate it just say you don't enjoy it. I personally hate to be tickled and if the person doing it dosen't stop after I ask them I actually get mad so there are those who just don't like it. Be one of those who don't unless you are in a more serious relationship and can share your reasons,

(in reply to switch2please)

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RE: hard limits in vanilla sex - 3/23/2010 10:05:37 PM

takemeforyourown

Posts: 430
Joined: 2/24/2007
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I agree. You shouldn't have to warn him over dinner, but when he starts toward the bedroom with you, just say, "You can do anything else, but I get a bad feeling if you tickle me. It brings up a terrible memory, so please don't."

'

(in reply to GraciousLady)

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RE: hard limits in vanilla sex - 3/23/2010 10:24:42 PM

LafayetteLady

Posts: 7683
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Northern New Jersey
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While tickling seems to have a place in kink, it isn't overtly kinky (in my opinion). I do not like to be tickled, and in fact if someone does it and doesn't stop when told, I can react pretty violently. I would honestly say that it is pretty simple to bring up at any time. Because it isn't overtly kinky, it isn't one of the more "out there" activities, it can easily be brought up during dinner, getting to know you conversations, anywhere really.

You don't need to give a detailed explaination. You could easily start a discussion about things you each don't like, i.e. broccoli, sky diving, etc. and mention that you really don't like to be tickled, so much so that if someone tickles you, you will get totally turned off. No other details about your past necessary.

(in reply to switch2please)

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