Emotions in D/s and BDSM - the good, the bad, and the ugly

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Emotions in D/s and BDSM - the good, the bad, and the ugly - 3/26/2010 8:18:23 AM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline

I'm generally very polite and reasonable and analytical and all that. One of the things I love about D/s and BDSM is that it tends to encourage me to live with passionate intensity, sparks intense emotions that are positive, negative, or all roiled together in bittersweetness. In the "one strike" thread, a lot of people expressed that defiance would mean that the relationship was over, and that trust was broken, and in the "should rebellion be punished" thread, rebellion was also explored a bit.

I haven't generally felt either of those two emotions, and can usually discuss my feelings after the fact, but I think of both rebellion and defiance as fairly normal possible reactions to some of the deep, difficult things we get into, the ones that scare us or are linked to bad experiences we've had. To me, threatening to break up with someone for having a short term (during the scene or experience, possibly extending a day or two like sub drop) very negative emotion is like threatening to break up with someone if they get accidentally burned during fireplay. It's a known, possible risk of that sort of order, of that sort of play, and should be handled with reassurance and care, just as with fireplay, you keep water and a fire extinguisher handy just in case.

I feel a little awkward about making this comparison, but my relationship with my Master, in doing the things that he wants me to that I'm scared of, reminds me of this passage. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies" Even when I am going into those dark places, that scare me, that I've been terrified by before, I feel reassured by his guidance, and yes, even by knowing that he will punish me if necessary. I know that he will support me and encourage me as I face the things I fear, and be proud of me as I triumph over them.

I've felt a lot of different emotions over the years associated with BDSM and D/s, at different times. I've been lost in primal, animalistic, feral scenes with aggression and fear and anger, I've been playful and silly and bubbling with laughter, I've hung on with grim determination and toughness, and revelled in a golden glow where *nothing* hurt, even hitting my head hard enough to get a knot that hurt for a week afterward. If I did respond in a really bad way, emotionally, to something my Master wants of me, we'd sort it out once I was coherent and able to think straight again, not in the heat of the moment. We'd then work together to figure out what was the bad trigger, and how I can give him what he wants, maybe take some baby steps to get there.

I've had adrenaline overload hit and reacted in ways I didn't expect and didn't have much conscious control over at the time - reacting on reflex. Most were vanilla, and years ago, but I do try to warn anyone I get involved with, or play with, that it's *possible* for me to respond that way. One time, someone scared me so badly that I ran straight up him (with him standing up) like a cat, leaving footprints from just above his knee to his collarbone, tucked into a ball, and landed in a martial arts stance, ready to fight. No way I could do that move deliberately! I hit someone in the head with something heavy, when I was enraged by him being physically abusive to an animal. I kicked someone in the crotch when he pinched my bottom - not aiming, but that's where my foot happened to land. I've run through a crowd, missing people by inches, and run out of an apartment barefoot, leaving my keys and purse behind. In a class where I stunt-bottomed once, I almost got frightened badly enough to pull away and run across the room, but barely managed to control it.

When I get tickled, I can't always control my body. I haven't done anything violent, but I've fallen out of bed, thwacked my head or limbs on the wall, and discovered that vampire gloves and sharp knives tickle me to the point where it's difficult not to thrash around in hysterical giggles, which wasn't exactly the effect they were going for.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that one of the reasons I do BDSM and D/s is that it gives me a relatively safe way to experience and express all of these emotions, even the negative ones. I thought it was a little strange that some people feel that a brief negative reaction to something that really pushes their buttons is considered so unacceptable or surprising! So, how do you stay able to talk rationally and analytically when you can barely speak, how do you handle the emotions when they are boiling over, how do you handle being so scared that the adrenaline coursing through your body practically puts you on autopilot briefly?