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Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 5:27:21 PM   
BeautyAwakens


Posts: 8
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		I'm fairly new to all this and have reached a level of frustration i never thought was possible.  By nature communication is something that comes so easy to me, yet i often find myself and my thoughts smothered for lack of better word at this time by my Master.  It seems when i bring up something that is a genuine concern i am left feeling like an idiot for asking to discuss it, i mean if it bothers me enough to burden my Master with it, should it not be taken seriously.  When i do bring something up and request time to discuss and hopefully resolve an issue, im told im either thinking for Him, making something out of nothing, or my ego is getting in the way.  im confused and afraid to say anything at this point let alone show any emotion afraid it will only make matters worse. Help!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 5:40:25 PM   
MontaukDaisies


Posts: 130
Joined: 2/24/2006
Status: offline 		Beauty:

Something is definitely not "right"... Why would you not be permitted to discuss something that is obviously on your mind and worrying you? Not sure if this Dominant of yours is saying things like "stop trying to top from the bottom".. but in my opinion, that is a SURE sign that he has lost control of the relationship and blaming that fact on you.

It seems as though you've been respectful in asking for time to talk, in order to have your fears or concerns addressed and to avoid having them fester and distract you from your tasks as his submissive.

Advice? I'm not sure what to say... but this doesn't sound like a good progression. Have you been together long? You should NEVER EVER be "afraid" to say anything to your Love. Not being able to communicate makes matters worse, not YOU asking to communicate. That's your attempt at resolution.

xo All the best to you!

_____________________________

~The true measure of a Man is to notice what He does when no one else is looking, when He is guided by His own sense of right and wrong.~

(in reply to BeautyAwakens)
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 5:55:54 PM   
PenelopePitstop


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautyAwakens

I'm fairly new to all this and have reached a level of frustration i never thought was possible.  By nature communication is something that comes so easy to me, yet i often find myself and my thoughts smothered for lack of better word at this time by my Master.  It seems when i bring up something that is a genuine concern i am left feeling like an idiot for asking to discuss it, i mean if it bothers me enough to burden my Master with it, should it not be taken seriously.  When i do bring something up and request time to discuss and hopefully resolve an issue, im told im either thinking for Him, making something out of nothing, or my ego is getting in the way.  im confused and afraid to say anything at this point let alone show any emotion afraid it will only make matters worse. Help!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


Ok, seems rather obvious to me that he's an idiot. Without communication  a relationship is doomed -you could get really hurt here. And from what you've said he's not interested in communicating with you at all.

My advice - move on. What's the point of it if you can't be yourself?

Stick around here, we'll look after you.


_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to BeautyAwakens)
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 5:56:42 PM   
Daddysredhead


Posts: 23574
Joined: 11/6/2005
From: Northern (yet still part of the South) Virginia
Status: offline 		Dear Beauty,
This is a red flag if I have ever seen one.  Open communication is so instrumental in any relationship, but (imho) even more so in a D/s relationship.  Please be careful and think carefully about where you see this relationship going.

My Daddy once told me that if I am ever afraid of Him, it will be time for U/us to part ways.  Please be safe...

Daddysredhead

_____________________________

Founding Member, Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair-a's

Do not challenge me to a battle of wits & come to fight unarmed.

Are you really that stupid? ~ Bless your heart

13th doughnut


(in reply to BeautyAwakens)
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 5:58:37 PM   
fastlane


Posts: 2159
Joined: 5/26/2005
Status: offline 		You have to have open communication. How else do you understand what's going on in any relationship?
This holds true in the Vanilla world as well as the alternative world we exist in. Hell, even raising a dog one must communicat to the animal what is expected...right? (No wonder my dog ran away....fastlane pouts)
My point, however, is this. You'r Master needs to open his ears if you are needing to be heard, or he is just one deaf and selfish Master.
You deserve better.

Kevin

_____________________________

Just because it hurts, doesn't necessarily make it a bad thing.

(in reply to MontaukDaisies)
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 6:11:35 PM   
CERCKL


Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline
quote:

It seems when i bring up something that is a genuine concern i am left feeling like an idiot for asking to discuss it,

lotus has been in relationships (her first husband and her last master) where she was humiliated for thinking...when she left her first husband, it took her over a year to verbalize anything personal, she could only write and this is at times still an issue...there are times I tell her to bring things to My attention; sometimes, she writes and then reads it to Me; We are working on this...sometimes I call her a 'silly girl' for her fears or questions, but they are always looked at. I respect her. I appreciate straight forward conversation, listening, communication, these are important, as pointed out, in any relationship...
C

_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."

(in reply to BeautyAwakens)
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 6:15:59 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		This may not even be a D/s issue as we dont know the whole story.

Anyone read men are from mars, women are from venus. Its a great book showing the different personality traits of men and women. I've only read snippets of it..but Its quite humorous.

Women love to "talk" and "be heard"..if we think we arent being "heard" we feel like our feelings and thoughts arent being recognised, whether that is true or not.

I think the main issue here, not really knowing the situation is just for you to assess from your intuition, not your reaction to the event whether you think your Master cares about you. If the answer is yes, maybe stand on your head and look at the situation another way.

Just a thought...a different view.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to fastlane)
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 6:20:14 PM   
Cloudz


Posts: 836
Joined: 9/13/2005
Status: offline 		Jali,

Excellent points...but I still need to ask the OP what does he bring to the relationship that allows you to remain in it?

_____________________________

Enjoy the Journey,
~Cloudz

"Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."


(in reply to slavejali)
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 6:28:19 PM   
PenelopePitstop


Posts: 254
Joined: 4/22/2005
From: UK
Status: offline 		My money is on "Hope that things will get better"

_____________________________

Wickedness is a myth created by good people to account for the curious attractiveness of others ~ Oscar Wilde

"You had me at Goodbye"

(in reply to Cloudz)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 6:31:17 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		some men may put the stuff in the chips, process and you see resultant actions.............perhaps this is not the time to overanalyze.  (I am agreeing in whole with jalis post)

Ron

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Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 7:37:17 PM   
BeautyAwakens


Posts: 8
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline 		Being an avid writer, perhaps i do at times analyze a bit too much, but the incident today was not the case and i know in my heart of hearts i am correct on this one...and i don't say that too often ;o)  Thanks for all who have replied, i'm sure tomorrow things will be better after ive had time to reflect and cool off, right now im still pretty ticked.

(in reply to BeautyAwakens)
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 7:59:25 PM   
mnottertail


Posts: 60698
Joined: 11/3/2004
Status: offline 		then you are all set, slick; but it still only half a conversation, Ja?

XO,
Ron

_____________________________

Have they not divided the prey; to every man a damsel or two? Judges 5:30


(in reply to BeautyAwakens)
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 8:04:34 PM   
Reilithion


Posts: 25
Joined: 3/27/2006
Status: offline 		Did you and your Master ever agree on a way to bring D/s to a temporary halt so that an issue could be addressed? Not everyone does, but personally, I try to give any subs under my authority a way to call something serious to my attention. It doesn't even have to be an emergency. Just something they need me to take seriously. Methods vary from person to person (I generally just tell them to use the safeword outside the context of a scene, so I know it's something important) but just having that mechanism in place seems to solve a lot of problems before they become problems. It seems to make the shyer subs more comfortable in their roles as submissives, too.

If you're having trouble communicating with your Master, maybe you need to find a way to level the playing field and speak with him as his true equal for a moment. It may be a fairly drastic step, depending on how serious you take the role of D/s in your relationship, but the only way it wouldn't work is if your Master doesn't really have your best interests at heart.

(in reply to BeautyAwakens)
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 8:20:38 PM   
cillydom


Posts: 332
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		To gain control of someone you have to know them. To know them you have to listen to them. To listen to them they have to speak. For them to speak they have to feel free to speak. To feel free to speak they have to be encouraged to speak.

(in reply to BeautyAwakens)
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 8:24:40 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BeautyAwakens

Being an avid writer, perhaps i do at times analyze a bit too much, but the incident today was not the case and i know in my heart of hearts i am correct on this one...and i don't say that too often ;o)  Thanks for all who have replied, i'm sure tomorrow things will be better after ive had time to reflect and cool off, right now im still pretty ticked.


Since you love to write, do you keep a journal? You can express yourself, your angst, things both good and bad, then share it with your Master.

I do hope everything is brighter tomorrow.

Celeste

edited to add: Ok, I'm a bit confused. I just read your profile and journal entry of two days ago and it says there you are looking for a Master. I'm assuming this is a brand new Master of whom you are writing and you don't know each other all that well yet, so now is the time to set up your negotiation and get everything out in the open. Good luck

< Message edited by BitaTruble -- 4/2/2006 8:31:39 PM >

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to BeautyAwakens)
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/2/2006 8:46:23 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		Beauty,   I’ve also found the over analysis tends to me more prevalent with the Virgos too.. Which may or may not have any bearing in your case…  I’m in agreement with jali’s comments. None of us here know the whole story, we don’t know the content of the questions (Lifestyle or mundane subjects) and we don’t know your Master. I do know some Masters who are not comfy in explaining things or answering questions in what we may see as the usually avenue but in their own way after they have processed things are able to, in their unique way respond to their sub/slaves… Other Masters may just refuse to respond either because they are embarrassed that they don’t know and are too embarrassed to admit it. Others still may not respond because they wish to reinforce the collar but will answer in their own sweet time….     Somewhere some time an open discussion should happen so he can explain his attitude to things and for example how he wishes questions to be framed and when the appropriate time is to ask them….. Out of curiosity lass how long have you know your Master and how long have you been collared to him….

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to BitaTruble)
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RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/3/2006 6:30:26 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		People will do anything to get what they want- including trying to blame and shame you into not making trouble or finding out that they aren't what they want you to think they are.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to BeautyAwakens)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/3/2006 6:40:03 AM   
RavenMuse


Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
Status: offline 		You are a writer.... conversation seems difficult? Maybe try writting it down and giving it to him to read when it is convenient for him to do so. Maybe that will spark conversation about the matter from him if there is some areas in the letter that remains unclear.

Personaly, like many who have already commented, I see active communication as something that possitivly adds to the relationship. I don't just expect it, I demand it.If I have a girl who finds it difficult then I'll try several things until I find something that can get the communication running more smoothly.


_____________________________

This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to BeautyAwakens)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/3/2006 6:57:05 AM   
MistressDiane


Posts: 334
Joined: 2/5/2004
Status: offline 		Nothing gets me fired quicker than needing to express myself to a loved one and hitting a brick wall or having my feelings or concerns taken lightly. I know how it effects me so I make a conscious effort to practice not doing that very thing with everyone in my life. There has to be some form of communication for any relationship to survive. I know it's not the advice you're looking for but rather it's a little support 'cause I can relate. Let him know how this is making you feel whether he wants to hear it or not. Ultimately you have to decide if this is the relationship you want to be in.

< Message edited by MistressDiane -- 4/3/2006 6:59:33 AM >

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Banging my head on my desk!! - 4/3/2006 9:23:37 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		One of the things we find at times with "professed" Dominants is there can be confusion about the difference between domineering and dominance---this to Me sounds like domineering--I agree with many of the posts here that when communication doesn't flow both ways--that is a huge red flag, submissives in My opinion should always have the right to ask, otherwise how will your relationship grow?  I would be concerned--

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to BeautyAwakens)
Profile   Post #: 20
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