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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 7:59:16 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I generally try not to discuss things when I'm upset or angry - I feel more capable of expressing myself once I've calmed down and had a chance to think things over rationally. I don't get major PMS, but I know that I do get more upset and tend to be a little more raw and vulnerable at that time, so something that might have barely bothered me otherwise might bring me to tears. So, I try to allow for that. Also, just being around my Master tends to make me feel good, and grounded. If someone is very moody or gets upset/angry easily, I tend to pick up on it, so I couldn't possibly date someone who had that effect on me most of the time.

(in reply to catize)
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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 8:11:01 AM   
sirsholly


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quote:

ORIGINAL: Potty
I'm learning to discuss my feelings. Before him I'd always clam up & let the pressure build until I finally exploded & said/did stuff I'd either have to apolgoize for or ruin another relationship.
Boy does this describe me...in both the way i used to be and the way i would be if left to my own devices.

Then there is this...
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

I generally try not to discuss things when I'm upset or angry - I feel more capable of expressing myself once I've calmed down and had a chance to think things over rationally.
One of lifes hardest lessons was figuring out that it is never, ever a good idea to engage my mouth when my emotions are raw. If i am angry, really angry with someone, i need to shut up until i calm down. It is amazing what "sleeping on it" will do to lighten a situation.

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 8:15:34 AM   
UniqueRaven


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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

quote:

For me, after i let go of judging what i think, i realized that after a period of time i stopped having "bad" thoughts at all. Now i just - think.



I like this! It underscores that if we accept the premise that 'feelings are facts' we are less likely to waste time worrying whether we should be feeling this way and get on with the business of coping effectively with those emotions.


Thank you! And yes, that is it exactly. i actually posted in my blog today about letting go of what we "should be" and actually being who we are brings a lot of simple peace and happiness.

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 9:38:10 AM   
catize


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quote:

Rather, it is where that thought goes. I have a tendency to let negativity in, dwell on it, harbor it and not work to let it go.


Not dwelling on it is a problem for me, too. As I said earlier, what helps me is to let myself wallow in it---but only for a set period of time, then force myself to let it go. Easy to plan, not always easy to do!

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 10:13:37 AM   
takemeforyourown


Posts: 430
Joined: 2/24/2007
Status: offline 		I just had to laugh about this thread because my husband and I cope with my chronic depression. He has learned to identify my warning signs even before I do; getting aggravated about meaningless crap, being snappy with him or the kids, expressing negative "the whole world sucks" types of thoughts. Poor man, he puts up with a lot. His first response is, always, "Did you take your medicine?". Usually, I've forgotten to. His next response is to joke with me about it. It would probably piss off a lot of people, but when he mocks me, "OOOHH woe is MEE, it's the end of the world...." and that kind of stuff, it makes me laugh and reminds me of how silly most of the things are that I'm getting upset about. Alternately, he'll get up and come smack my ass. That works too.

That being said, my back-up plan when the depression hits me really hard is to shut down and take a long nap. I ALWAYS have a better perspective when I wake up, and my husband is good about caring for the kids while I go temporarily offline.


Edited to add that my moods don't have much time to overtake me most days because I'm too busy caring for my patients at work. I don't want everyone to think that I have the luxury of holding my family hostage with my moods. I'm referring to something that happens a couple times a month. Not every day.

< Message edited by takemeforyourown -- 4/1/2010 10:21:03 AM >

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 10:42:31 AM   
KnightofMists


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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

quote:

He has worked with me quite a bit to make sure I have the tools and the skill to do what he wants.


Would you mind discussing what kind of work he did with you and what kind of tools and skills you have to do this? I'd greatly appreciate better understanding this part.



The following is some thoughts in answering your question at a more theoritical level. I will let Kyra when I give her some time to provide some practical thoughts that stem from it.


There seems to be a common idea or concept that ‘feelings are facts’. I don’t agree with this and maybe it’s more an issue of semantics. But for me there is an implication of considering feelings as facts that I can’t agree with. Facts are often considered to be of an objective nature that communicates a sense of truth of the fact in question. This implication of truth of the fact communicates that not only are “feelings a fact; but they are true or accurate fact”. I personally don’t agree that feelings are true. They just are.

I look at Feelings and Thoughts as something similar to the input we receive from our senses. They all are used in the formation of our perception of the world we find ourselves in. We hear, see, touch, smell taste, feel and think about this world that we perceive. All this input forms our perceptions and they are very much interrelated and affect each other. Take one away and our perception will be changed as result. How often does food taste different because you don’t smell it because of a cold? Also, are you always aware of what you smell or is it only when you are focused on smelling that you actually allow the stimuli to enter into your perceptions. Thoughts and feelings are like that. You are can think and feel but if you are not focused on the input it will past by like a cloud and often change shape as well.

But feelings and thoughts are also an elevated process from our sensory input. It’s not only input but part of the mechanics of a process we do in perceiving our world. As humans we establish expectations, standards, and values to which we will compare our environment that we perceive. This process of judging will develop emotive and mental stimuli that move of us beyond simple perception but establish a sense of content or discontent with our environment that we perceive.

I have a process that slowly I have internalized into my life. Which is the following:

Question the input? Validation of the data is a critical in forming an accurate perception that is truthful. Therefore, one of the approaches is to question the data. Is there enough data? Is it tainted or complete picture. Sometimes the way we feel and think is the result of inaccurate or incomplete information. It is this incompleteness or inaccuracies that may result in a perception that is also incomplete and/or inaccurate. So before making “judgments”… validate the input.

Are you realistic? Our expectations set the bar to which we judge our reality that we perceive. But… are we being realistic. Should we expect a person to fly without wings? Validating the expectations to me is also an important approach in managing ones thoughts and feelings. I have found that much of my stress and negative thoughts and feelings are a result of unrealistic expectations that I put on myself and/or others.

To Judge or not to Judge. So a person has all the information that they need and their expectations are rather realistic. But should you let it bother you anyways? How important is it to you!? Question the importance of the situation to ones life on the whole and not in the narrow context of the incident in question. Too often we grab hold of some thing that is just not all that important but we make a lot of drama about it. There very well maybe something that is underlying and this is only the last straw to break open the emotions. We need to get deeper into our heads to find out what is trigger us so intensely. We don’t need to judge everything! Only what matters! And you Choose what matters!

Action or Acceptance! So it matters, But can you do anything about it!? … What are you going to do about it? This choice is likely the most important and most difficult to do. Some things that Matter just can’t be changed. Learning to accept what is can be rather challenging and stressful. But, I found it a lot easier when I decided I couldn’t change it! Even though it matters… If I can’t change it… I give it less focus. Less focus and concentration will take away energy from those emotions and thoughts. The more focus and energy the greater I will think and feel about an issue. Do you see all the leaves individually when you glance at a tree. When acceptance is the course of action… I see to distance my thoughts and feelings from it. Distractions or more importantly focusing my energy on something else will take the edge away and help me to accept the situation as is. But.. if you can do something about it… Do IT! I don’t like letting it simmer and fester! I find my emotions and thoughts to become more intense when I can do something and don’t!

Doing the above process for my family as resulted in a lot more contentment of emotions and thoughts. It has increased our awareness and mindfulness of each other. But most important.. we have empowered ourselves to control our thoughts and feelings and not let them control us. Our reality is our Perception… and we Decide our perception!


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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 12:09:55 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

There seems to be a common idea or concept that ‘feelings are facts’. I don’t agree with this and maybe it’s more an issue of semantics. But for me there is an implication of considering feelings as facts that I can’t agree with. Facts are often considered to be of an objective nature that communicates a sense of truth of the fact in question. This implication of truth of the fact communicates that not only are “feelings a fact; but they are true or accurate fact”. I personally don’t agree that feelings are true. They just are.



I believe your view and mine about 'feelings are facts' are, indeed, a simple matter of semantics rather than any disagreement about emotions and how to handle them.
My understanding of the phrase has nothing to do with whether any feeling is based on reality. Regardless of the validity of any perception or mis-perception that causes me to feel a certain way, no matter why I feel what I'm feeling, it is a fact that I am <angry, happy, sad, etc.> To me, 'feelings are facts' meshes with your statement “they just are".

quote:

Question the input?

Yes, sometimes our feelings arise from some other internal source rather than the current event. Is my response based in the now, or did the now trigger something from the past? It is important to examine my perception and my perspective.


quote:

Are you realistic?

When I am frustrated it largely stems from my unrealistic expectations If Person A always tries to pawn their work on me, why would I expect today to be different? If Person B. never listens to what I am saying, why would I go to them for support?


quote:

To Judge or not to Judge

Is the sky really falling or was it just a bit of bird poop? Putting things in proportion is all.

quote:

Action or Acceptance!

When I am feeling anxious it is most likely because I have little or no control over a situation. In order to get at least some control, in order to relieve my anxiety, I need to take action. First I must decide what actions will help and which are exercises in futility. My brother has a life threatening illness and I worry a lot. What I do is call him as often as I can, make him laugh and let him know I love him. The point is not that I can necessarily affect the outcome, it is that I am doing something.

KoM, I do believe we are on the same page here!

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 12:46:19 PM   
KnightofMists


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Status: offline 		thanks for sharing catize.... I can't say that I am surprized by your response... we seem to have some rather similiar ideas on many things particularly when it comes to the topic at hand.

I do want to add a comment to something you said with regard to actions or acceptance. There is many ways to bring about actions to change what is occuring or to accept what is. I like your idea and agree that sometimes acceptance is about doing something of some nature even though the end result is not changable. Even doing those little things that you speak of have BIG results towards seeing ourselves through those kinds of situations/issues. Acceptance is not about "it doesn't affect me anymore or doesn't matter anymore"... Acceptance is I have found, am finding a way to reconcile and/or incorporate the situation/issue into my life! I am sorry to here about your brother... I hope for the best for him, you and your families.

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 12:57:26 PM   
lally2


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Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		the best advice i ever got from someone was 'dont panic, think' - i apply that sometimes when im panicking about something and i need to get a grip on it.  the moment i start thinking i find ways around the problem.

and in a way i apply the same logic to my moods.  if im in a mood thats bringing me down i go to a quiet place and re-balance myself.  what i think i do is put my head somewhere else where the thoughts cant get through and interrupt.  in other words i stop listening to the mood or little voice thats making me feel crap.  then i just fill myself up with posisitve stuff, gradually filter my thoughts back in and usually im ok.

i was in a badly negative place a week or so ago.  it took me nearly two days to get out of that funk,  i just reiterrated the positives over and over, found the solution inside of me and i was ok again.

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 2:22:07 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline 		Thank-you for that, simply, thanks.

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 2:54:26 PM   
wandersalone


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quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I wonder who else has this aspect in their relationship and what tools do you use to change your mood, emotions or mental state?

Knight's Kyra



I have never been required to do this however from a psychological perspective rather than being required to change your mood, is it possible that you could focus instead on accepting that unhelpful mood, thought, emotion, make space for it inside you and then continue to go about your life in a way that is pleasing for yourself and KoM? 

This isn't about saying that mood, thought or feeling is right or wrong, good or bad, instead it is about acknowledging ... hey I am having the thought that I feel angry, I recognise that I feel grumpy etc and not then beating yourself up for feeling or thinking that which then can set up another negative cycle eg. I shouldn't keep feeling like this.   Instead notice the unhelpful thought, feelings etc, acknowledge them, accept and allow them to be there....AND then focus on the one small action you can next take that is in line with your values eg. I can feel grumpy however I can also go and ask KoM if he would like a massage and I can smile as I do so as I really value being of service to him.  The difference is that you are not trying to get rid of or change the unhelpful emotion/thought, it may still be there however you are reminding yourself that you can have that emotion etc and still live a valued life

And just one other reminder to people if I may.... we can get trapped into believing that our thoughts are facts when they aren't.  For example, at the moment, for various reasons I have had the thought that all men are bastards.  It would be very easy for me to buy into this thought and actually believe that it is a statement of fact rather than a thought so what I am practicing  a lot at the moment is creating some distance between my thoughts and myself.... I will actually preface my thoughts with  I am having the thought that.  So the thought all men are bastards  now becomes I am having the thought that all men are bastards which has quite a different impact on me.  A small but significant change. and note I am not trying to change the original thought or stop thinking it (which would be impossible to do.  Imagine if I asked you to stop thinking about a purple elephant, what would then happen? ), I am simply recognising it for what it is - a thought rather than a fact.

Damn I could write or talk about this topic forever as I love it but will stop now


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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 3:42:56 PM   
KnightofMists


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quote:

ORIGINAL: wandersalone

quote:

ORIGINAL: kyraofMists

I wonder who else has this aspect in their relationship and what tools do you use to change your mood, emotions or mental state?

Knight's Kyra



I have never been required to do this however from a psychological perspective rather than being required to change your mood, is it possible that you could focus instead on accepting that unhelpful mood, thought, emotion, make space for it inside you and then continue to go about your life in a way that is pleasing for yourself and KoM? 





No... From a psychological perspective..... allowing a mood to exist that is in fact harmful to one's well-being and relationship is NOT what I want or her for that matter. That is not to say that one can not acknowledge and allow moods to exist... we do that all the time in our daily life... but changing the moods is just as important and something that is neccessary for her well-being. She went a large portion of her life allowing some moods and thought room in her head... in the end... it almost cost her everything. Things have been alot better for her since she learned additional skills to incorporate into her life.

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 3:45:12 PM   
DWCskitten


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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

quote:

i'm still learning how to avoid "bad thoughts."


Not to be snarky, but that is impossible! No one can control what pops into their brain. The control centers on what we do about any specific thought. We can question the validity of a thought, dismiss it, examine it, laugh at it, embrace it, decide whether we can or should act on it or voice it.
Forbidding bad thoughts is a very bad thought!

Okay. i agree that totally avoiding "bad thoughts" is impossible. The way i look at it, Master Sir notwithstanding, is i avoid continuing to think them. i agree 100% that you can't help what just pops into your head, but you can keep it from staying there.


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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 4:29:49 PM   
catize


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Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

Okay. i agree that totally avoiding "bad thoughts" is impossible. The way i look at it, Master Sir notwithstanding, is i avoid continuing to think them. i agree 100% that you can't help what just pops into your head, but you can keep it from staying there.

Exactly, I agree whole heartily!

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 4:37:25 PM   
catize


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quote:

And just one other reminder to people if I may.... we can get trapped into believing that our thoughts are facts when they aren't.



No one said that our thoughts are facts. There is too much chance that something I may think is based on wrong information or even faulty 'wiring' in my brain.
“I think, therefore I am” does not mean, 'I think, therefore I am right'!

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 5:06:04 PM   
KnightofMists


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quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

I think, therefore I am” does not mean, 'I think, therefore I am right'!



yeah.... but oh my there are soooooo many that take that irrational leap!!!!

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 5:17:59 PM   
catize


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quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists

quote:

ORIGINAL: catize

I think, therefore I am” does not mean, 'I think, therefore I am right'!



yeah.... but oh my there are soooooo many that take that irrational leap!!!!

~laughs~ Including myself occasionally!

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/1/2010 6:00:43 PM   
LadyAngelika


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Joined: 7/4/2004
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quote:

The following is some thoughts in answering your question at a more theoritical level. I will let Kyra when I give her some time to provide some practical thoughts that stem from it.


Thank you for sharing them. I've read through it once and at first glance, there are things I agree with 100% and things I'm not so sure. I'm mentally exhausted at the moment (long week) so I'll come back to this later and give it another read, specifically your disagreement with feelings are facts. I've always been of the philosophy of feeling my feelings, owning them, reflecting upon them, letting them out when it is safe and appropriate to do so, expressing them, not repressing them, and then moving on. That might be what you are trying to say.

I guess feelings aren't facts but having feelings is a fact we have to face.

- LA

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/3/2010 9:51:26 AM   
DesFIP


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Status: offline 		Telling me to change my mood doesn't work. He asks about what has triggered the bad mood and we investigate what we can do to avoid them. As I know I've written about before, it probably took about six months of him asking what was going on every time I got bitchy for us to discover the majority of the time it's a drop in my blood sugar. And that if I'm allowed to get a small sandwich or such every four hours, this doesn't happen.

In fact, I haven't had anything but toast today and I'm getting progressively darker in mood. I shall go rummage through the fridge and see if there's some cold chicken I can snack on.

Telling me to change it doesn't work. Avoiding the triggers does. It's a lot easier to stay hydrated then to rehydrate after getting dehydrated.


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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/3/2010 10:08:31 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
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Status: offline 		Yes, it's important to know how our body responds to things, and triggers (whether physical or emotional).

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