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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/3/2010 11:03:09 AM   
Aileen1968


Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline 		I've never been asked to change my mood, emotion or mental state. If fact, I have direct orders to never mask them. He judges his actions by my reactions.
If I become really upset over something, he calmly shows me other viewpoints to my problem that I may not have thought of.

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/3/2010 2:15:29 PM   
Level


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Joined: 3/3/2006
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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

disagreement with feelings are facts.

- LA


One example that came to mind is when a woman says "you're not listening to me"; well, is that a "fact", or is it a matter of the male not responding in the way she is wanting? I'm not picking on women here, men can be guilty of the same things.

Regarding the OP: I truly believe the most effective tool in communication is also something that would go a long way in correcting moods and/or emotions, is radical honesty (others have mentioned the same idea). If you get two (or how ever many) people to agree that one of their ultimate goals is transparency, and if they agree that they will be willing to hammer out any issue with one another, no matter how painful, or embarrasing, until they genuinely "get" one another, that can have a huge benefit.

I also believe that there are a lot of people that pay lip service to such a concept, but when the rubber hits the road, it's a different story.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/3/2010 7:19:22 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

Yes, it's important to know how our body responds to things, and triggers (whether physical or emotional).


Absolutely. I tend to use the AA acronym when my oldest, who has a severe mood disorder, gets out of control. Hungry, angry, lonely, tired. More often than not, it is one of those four that drives it. Plus asking if she's taken her medication.


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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/3/2010 7:31:06 PM   
kiwisub12


Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline 		One of my kids said something to me the other day that shocked the heck out of me - she was talking about how I used to give her the "silent treatment" when she was a little kid. and she said it very matter of factly.

I had the habit of when i was angry of going to my room and reading, or washing dishes, or the floor or vaccuming. I would stay away from the cause of the anger until i had calmed down. Apparently the kids interperated this as "the silent treatment".
And it was - but the intent was not there to cause them anguish, I was trying to protect them from my anger.

So , the devil is in the details. Just because you do something with the best of intentions, doesn't mean that is how it is played in Pyoria!

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/3/2010 7:40:33 PM   
FetishRose


Posts: 212
Joined: 8/7/2008
Status: offline 		I am certainly required to closely monitor my emotions and thoughts, and my Sir does order redirection when he feels I have obsessed about something enough.  For me, meditation and general positive thinking work well, although if something is being particularly stuck, I am to bring whatever the issue is to my Sir and talk it out; literally beat it into the ground, so I stop pondering it so much.

(in reply to catize)
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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/4/2010 3:34:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level
Regarding the OP: I truly believe the most effective tool in communication is also something that would go a long way in correcting moods and/or emotions, is radical honesty (others have mentioned the same idea). If you get two (or how ever many) people to agree that one of their ultimate goals is transparency, and if they agree that they will be willing to hammer out any issue with one another, no matter how painful, or embarrasing, until they genuinely "get" one another, that can have a huge benefit.

I also believe that there are a lot of people that pay lip service to such a concept, but when the rubber hits the road, it's a different story.


This only works if nobody involved gets upset and punishes the other for saying stuff they don't want to hear. Considering how many dominants demand that subs only use roundabout ways of expression, this is not likely to catch on.

After all, if you're demanding she always uses deferential and respectful language, then you've insulated yourself from hearing anything upsetting. Because you can't be radically honest and mealy mouthed at the same time.


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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/4/2010 5:28:00 PM   
KnightofMists


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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

After all, if you're demanding she always uses deferential and respectful language, then you've insulated yourself from hearing anything upsetting.



um NO.. this is far from accurate! Just some don't know how to walk and chew gum at the same time... and some well... can!

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/5/2010 7:28:09 AM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline 		An interesting thread...

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a lot like some of the other dominants mentioned on here in that when I see a submissive that I am interested in or one that I am involved with having a problem...whether the problem is her mood, her work, her relationship with parents/children, our relationship...I want to discuss it.  I don't like it when someone stops communicating.  It strikes me as a bit unusual for a submissive to claim she relishes communication and then come to find out that she means only when things are good.  That may be nice and it is less work but it does not tend to move things forward in a good way.  Some submissives will state that communicating when things are tough does not solve anything...if that is so, then either the dominant or the submissive or both tend to let their emotions and feelings and/or dislike of "work" in a relationship cloud the conversation rather than listen to what is being said.

I am also like some of the dominants here in that I don't like to have things fester...again, lack of communication.  I also agree with those who understand that a mood/thought pattern cannot always be changed but that it IS within most people...in the cases noted here, the submissive...to do so if they really wish to.  If they have been handed the tools...and I try to do so in conversations and dynamic-building that I do with a submissive...then they can do so.

Finally, something that has been noted above.  Letting your mouth go and saying something that may feel good at the time...some smartass or hurtful remark...can come back to haunt you.  As Knight notes above, and something I have stated before, anger is no reason to stop being civil.  We pride ourselves in control...the dominants...and the submissives pride themselves in maintaining a submissive attitude around those dominants they respect...then do so.

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/5/2010 8:34:10 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists


quote:

After all, if you're demanding she always uses deferential and respectful language, then you've insulated yourself from hearing anything upsetting.



um NO.. this is far from accurate! Just some don't know how to walk and chew gum at the same time... and some well... can!


"With all due respect, none of which I happen to feel right now, - you've got your head up your ass!".
See radical honesty involves saying stuff like you have zero respect for the person at that point. But how do you say that when you're required to claim you have respect? Because they can't both be true at that point in time.

I've read about experiments in radical honesty and personally I am not an advocate of it. It involves needlessly hurting the other person by not avoiding known emotional triggers.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to KnightofMists)
Profile   Post #: 49
RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/5/2010 4:39:27 PM   
Level


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Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		Celeste, I agree with Knight; you can say pretty much anything, worded with respect. You can also work out a system that allows the submissive to let the dominant know that you may be in an emotional state that makes being radically honest and respectful difficult, and thus are allowed to say what you need to say, however you think you need to say it.

As for avoiding emotional triggers, I think radical honesty might be the best thing to eventually relieve those. But both sides have to want to.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/5/2010 7:39:58 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		Most of the depictions of "radical honesty" I've seen seemed to be intentionally tactless and hurtful, license to be as rude and cruel as possible. With that said, I *do* think it's entirely possible to be honest about my feelings while still usually being respectful. There's a huge difference between, "Master, I'm feeling really angry (or upset, or vulnerable) about what you said/did to me" and just calling him an asshole and going off on him verbally or trying to hurt him emotionally.

CD, it's not that I'm not willing to communicate when I'm upset or angry or whatever, but I sometimes do need to calm down first in order to think about it clearly, in order for me to understand *why* it's bothering me. In that situation, especially if it was late and I was already exhausted, I might tell him that I am feeling in this particular way, that I'd like to do _fill in the blank_ to try to improve my mood, and ask permission to discuss it further once I'd had a chance to sort it out in my head a bit better.

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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/6/2010 2:05:09 PM   
KnightofMists


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Joined: 7/29/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: CreativeDominant

Finally, something that has been noted above.  Letting your mouth go and saying something that may feel good at the time...some smartass or hurtful remark...can come back to haunt you.  As Knight notes above, and something I have stated before, anger is no reason to stop being civil.  We pride ourselves in control...the dominants...and the submissives pride themselves in maintaining a submissive attitude around those dominants they respect...then do so.



some use radical honesty as an excuse to say whatever you want "however you want". This to me has nothing to do with honesty and everything to do with avoiding responsibility for one's actions and behaviors. Having feelings and thoughts and communicating them is two different things. To me... radical honesty is also not just about sharing those feelings and thoughts but also sharing ones intent of communicating those "feelings and thoughts"....

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/6/2010 4:09:13 PM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

Most of the depictions of "radical honesty" I've seen seemed to be intentionally tactless and hurtful, license to be as rude and cruel as possible. With that said, I *do* think it's entirely possible to be honest about my feelings while still usually being respectful. There's a huge difference between, "Master, I'm feeling really angry (or upset, or vulnerable) about what you said/did to me" and just calling him an asshole and going off on him verbally or trying to hurt him emotionally.


Absolutely; honesty, like any tool, can be used properly, or not.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to Andalusite)
Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/6/2010 4:21:32 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

Some submissives will state that communicating when things are tough does not solve anything...if that is so, then either the dominant or the submissive or both tend to let their emotions and feelings and/or dislike of "work" in a relationship cloud the conversation rather than listen to what is being said.


But I find it is not that they don't communicate, they just choose to communicate with the wrong person./people. Friends, family, co-workers, everyone but the person they should be talking to gets to hear allll about it. So in that sense, they are correct, because if they don't take their concerns to the source, nothing is going to change. Talking to the one who needs to hear it is much harder than simply complaining to get sympathy!
Reminds me of the folks who call me, rant for 15 plus minutes, and when I suggest perhaps they could benefit from talking to a therapist, they respond, “What good will talking about it do?”

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to CreativeDominant)
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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/6/2010 4:25:01 PM   
catize


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Joined: 3/7/2006
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quote:

some use radical honesty as an excuse to say whatever you want "however you want". This to me has nothing to do with honesty and everything to do with avoiding responsibility for one's actions and behaviors. Having feelings and thoughts and communicating them is two different things. To me... radical honesty is also not just about sharing those feelings and thoughts but also sharing ones intent of communicating those "feelings and thoughts"....


As BitaTruble always said, “It's not what you say, it's how you say it.”

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to KnightofMists)
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RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/6/2010 4:49:32 PM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level


quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

disagreement with feelings are facts.

- LA


One example that came to mind is when a woman says "you're not listening to me"; well, is that a "fact", or is it a matter of the male not responding in the way she is wanting? I'm not picking on women here, men can be guilty of the same things


I've been thinking on this for a few days, trying to find a way to explain. “You aren't listening to me” may or may not be true. The speaker has an emotion; it is there (fact). Whether the source of that feeling is valid or not is beside the point.
The feeling can most certainly be changed when I am willing to explore the reality, but at that moment, I feel what I feel.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/7/2010 3:30:05 AM   
Level


Posts: 25145
Joined: 3/3/2006
Status: offline 		I agree, the emotion is "factual", but disagree that if it's true or not is "besides the point" certainly to the man that is having the statement levied at him.

_____________________________

Fake the heat and scratch the itch
Skinned up knees and salty lips
Let go it's harder holding on
One more trip and I'll be gone

~~ Stone Temple Pilots

(in reply to catize)
Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/7/2010 4:30:03 AM   
catize


Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Level

I agree, the emotion is "factual", but disagree that if it's true or not is "besides the point" certainly to the man that is having the statement levied at him.


You are right, I said that poorly!

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to Level)
Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/7/2010 3:46:54 PM   
reynardfox


Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		Does this special place have rubber walls?
If it is anything like that smorgasbord of different cultures, races and religion hinted at in that chunk of metal is must be awfully confused. Symbols plucked from different faiths indicate a lack of depth of knowledge in any of them.
Please.

(in reply to Witches3rdEye)
Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Changing Moods/Emotions - 4/7/2010 3:56:08 PM   
CreativeDominant


Posts: 11032
Joined: 3/11/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: KnightofMists


quote:

After all, if you're demanding she always uses deferential and respectful language, then you've insulated yourself from hearing anything upsetting.



um NO.. this is far from accurate! Just some don't know how to walk and chew gum at the same time... and some well... can!


"With all due respect, none of which I happen to feel right now, - you've got your head up your ass!".
See radical honesty involves saying stuff like you have zero respect for the person at that point. But how do you say that when you're required to claim you have respect? Because they can't both be true at that point in time.

I've read about experiments in radical honesty and personally I am not an advocate of it. It involves needlessly hurting the other person by not avoiding known emotional triggers.

Very good point des.  Tis my personal belief that it costs someone nothing...other than a little time in examining their mind and their own feelings and asking themselves two questions:  "Would this hurt me if the person I am saying it to said it to ME?" and "Knowing what I know about this person, am I doing this to make an important point or to deliberately hurt them because they've pissed me off/hurt me?"

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 60
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