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RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/2/2010 12:41:09 AM   
AQuietSimpleMan


Posts: 1410
Joined: 11/15/2009
Status: offline 		Sorry not going to take the time to answer each of your questions because it sounds lke you are doing one of those Social-Science Classes and are getting a slice of what BDSM is all about. I am most likely wrong on this but having done so many of them trying to be nice for the local college I just see a pattern in the questions you asked.

Simple answer to ever single question you asked.

If you have an issue with it, it is an issue that needs to be discussed until you are okay with it.

Part of the power control aspects of a D/s or M/s relationship are based on surrendering of authority from you to another. It can be argued that there is no real Power dynamic until it has been agreed to and authority has been actually relinquished it can also be argued that one cannot relinquish control of themselves because they are always capable of taking it back.

You are an adult human being, talk to who you want to talk to. Ignore those you don't.

If you don't want to do something, you always have the ability to say no. (This is argued a lot but as far as I am concerned if you have the ability of speech you can always ssay no to activities you do not like.)

In the end this is not a lifestyle where you can give up personal responsibility. You will always be responsible for the actions you make, any D-Type asking you meet is just a person until you agree to do as they ask of you.

QSM


_____________________________

Guy Stud =Vs= Girl Slut ~~ Debate ENDED!

"If a Key opens many locks, then it is a Master Key, If a Lock is opened by lots of keys, then it is a Shitty Lock"

(in reply to BrokenSaint)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/2/2010 2:06:44 AM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

And I disagree with you.

The only general guidelines are the same ones you would apply to any relationship.

Those vary from person to person

Very prophetic, indeed.

Congratulations on rendering every single future discussion on relationships redundant.

You should add those pearls of wisdom to your signature line....

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/2/2010 5:45:10 AM   
barelynangel


Posts: 6233
Status: offline 		I have an off tangent question if you all who have answered the first question with pretty much "end the relationship."

Do BDSM people really walk away from relationships so easily? I don't know much about limits and the writing them down and demands they be followed etc, but it just seems that most BDSM people advocate walking away when the going gets tough. Or something happens.

Even with broken trust it seems the first answer is always leave or get out of the relationship.

I just don't get why. Don't you believe in working things out or working through things? Even when its hard?

Sorry for the tangent but i wanted to ask this here rather than a new thread because the OP is knew and it just seems like many answers to her 1st question is dump the relationship.

angel

< Message edited by barelynangel -- 4/2/2010 5:50:04 AM >

_____________________________


What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
R.W. Emerson


(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/2/2010 6:02:19 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		its a good question and the thought thats popped into my head is that when kink is the driving force and theres not much else to keep them together then theres not much there to work on, with or for.

the relationships that have meant anything to me and ive tried to hang in there with were the ones where the guy not the kink was my reason for staying.  hell ive even hung onto a relationship when the kink was an almost total mismatch.

but if the people involved dont really have some strong connection beyond the kink then its a bit like a house of cards.

most times people fight for their relationships, put up with all sorts of crap sometimes and really hang in there, but they have an emotional or whatever investment.

if all youve got is a relationship largely based around meeting up and having a play session once a week or month and not much of a connection beyond the BDSM then its not really surprising so many new relationships fail.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/2/2010 7:39:33 AM   
PrimalConsonance


Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

i just started doing this a couple of months ago. Master and i broke up after 2 months, and i've been obsessing about it since. i would be grateful to anyone who would answer my questions, because i don't have anyone else to ask. Please keep in mind that i'm very inexperienced, so i'm sorry if these seem like stupid questions.

1. if the Dom violates a hard limit (like not using a condom) is this a good enough reason for the sub to end the relationship? How serious is it for a Dom to violate a hard limit?
2. if the Dom is inconsistent or dishonest does the sub have the right to be upset about it?
3. As a sub, is it my duty to submit to every Dom, or just to my owner? While i was His, my Master instructed me not to respond to emails from other Doms. Now that i'm single, do i need to respond and communicate with every Dom that wishes it, or do i have a choice?
4. Do i have the right to say to a Dom that i don't want a relationship right now?
5. Is it reasonable for a Dom who i've exchanged emails with but never met to expect me to send them explicit photos or to masturbate for them, when i'm not in a relationship with them?
6. Most of the time, when i communicate with Doms on this site they automatically assume that i am beginning a relationship with them, even if i specifically say that i don't want a relationship. Does that mean that i shouldn't expect to have a plutonic relationship with a Dom? Am i sending out the wrong signals by talking to them at all? I'm very new at this, and usually when i talk to Doms, it's because i need advice or feedback. Is it wrong of me to expect to be able to "just talk" to a Dom?
7. i work really long hours (sometimes 80 hours a week). One of my hard limits is to have my work schedule respected. Specifically, not to be asked to spend hours texting every day, because i have very limited free time during the work week. Is it reasonable for me to ask this?
8. How unusual is it not to have a safeword? Who usually chooses it, the Dom or the sub?
9. There were times with my Master when He would give me an order and i would obey it, but then He would act suprised that i obeyed Him, as if He didn't really expect it. This always upset me. i take orders very literally and was very careful to do exactly what i was told. It frustrated me that He would give me an order, but not mean it. Did i have any right to feel this way?
10. i have a strong distaste for conflict, and when i'm upset i usually don't talk about it. My normal reaction (and i know it's a really bad one) is to just avoid the situation altogether; stop answering emails or phone calls, move, change my email address, get a different job. i know this is the wrong reaction, but what is the right one? i endure the situation until i can't anymore, and then i bolt. i feel like i have no right to argue or ask for better treatment even if i'm being treated really badly, but eventually there comes a point when i just can't take it anymore. What should i do in this situation?

Sorry if i seem really ignorant. Like i said, i'm new to this, and i have to ask someone. Thanks for reading this, and if You feel like responding i would welcome any feedback. Thanks!
pam


First Question:  No, you are not a bad sub.  You just need to be a more educated one.
For the other questions: 
1 = Hard limits are just what they are, and if they are not respected then what is the point?  They are there for a reason.  He broke that hard limit/trust.  Now you have to decide what you want to do from this.  Let it pass or that it is a deal-breaker.  For most, it's a deal-breaker.
2 = As it is with all relationships, trust is one of the top one things that need to be there.  Again as in the first question, He broke trust and doesn't respect the relationship.
3 = No.  You do not have to answer to every dominant that comes along.  A doormat isn't what you want to aspire to.  BDSM is not about whatever you seem to be misinformed about the rules at this point.  Once you have a dominant, he or she may want to restrict your communications on some level.  Usually in the 'nilla land, this sort of behavior is indicative of someone who isolates their other for paranoid reasons and not so much about power.  Feelings of inadequacy or confidence are the motivators for isolating.  A more healthier mode might be some sort of etiquette concerning addressing others, but not restricting. 
4 = You have the right to say and do whatever you feel like.  First off, unowned.  Secondly, until YOU choose someone based on what you and that other person negotiate into a relationship, the rest can piss-off until otherwise notified. 
5 = See answer 4.
6 = You can just talk to a dominant, some dominants feel the desire to assume they are already into some relationship.  You will find that you may need to remind these individuals of their errors.  And you can have platonic relationships with dominants, submissives, switches...anyone really you choose to.  A decent dominant will not assume and be more like a real person and not just some horn-dog out to score some fantasy/reality time or just some low-self-esteemed woman/man.  To those, you are prey.  Act accordingly and don't fall for that crap.
7 = You can limit whatever that is needed, and if it isn't respected once agreed upon, then this is a problem:  theirs not yours.  Once something gets into messing up your professional life, or aspects of your family life or what-have-you, then it is up to you to stop it, or let it interfere.  I wouldn't and any respectable partner would not infringe on this part of your life.  Silly otherwise to ask and pitiful if you let it happen.
8 = In any new relationship, or budding one at least, the use of a safe word is not a problem and usually encouraged.  Once you get to know that person, you'll probably never need to use that word because of obvious reasons, you trust them.  My relationship really doesn't have a specific safe word that had to be used really, but is still there by some means (visual, oral, or by gesture) a way for my sub to communicate if she would prefer me to stop or slowdown.  Our communication in and out of play is intimate enough that a safe word isn't really necessary, but I always recommend one.
9 = Questioning (inwardly) is not something to worry about, just the reaction you received from the dominant.  You can in some cases ask that dominant to clarify his reaction in an effort to understand him/her better and be a better submissive towards him/her.  Whatever the reason, you will gain some knowledge that is either alarming or useful.  Some dominants do not wish to be questioned, and that is part of the negotiation process in the beginning hopefully.  If not, then there is something you can bring up to re-negotiate at some point. 
10 =  Stop that.  Stand up and have some dignity and build some strength.  How can you offer anything if you have nothing to offer to begin with?  What do you bring to the table?  Find it, be it.  You'll be more happier not being a victim, and stop acting like one.  Be yourself, or a stronger version of yourself.  You'll respect yourself more and others will respect you more.  I'm sure the other answers here are similar, and I hope you take heed and grow.  Good luck.

(Welcome to the boards by the way...)


< Message edited by PrimalConsonance -- 4/2/2010 7:40:15 AM >

_____________________________

AKA: CNJDom (types in black) and roselaure (types in Red)


Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss


(in reply to gungadin09)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/15/2010 1:22:58 PM   
DearJessicaD


Posts: 55
Joined: 10/26/2008
From: East Coast
Status: offline 		1. if the Dom violates a hard limit (like not using a condom) is this a good enough reason for the sub to end the relationship? How serious is it for a Dom to violate a hard limit?

You are a free living being. You can end the relationship whenever you want, for whatever reason you want. There's pushing your limits, and then violating your limits. Violating my limits would be forcing me to put myself in danger (having unprotected sex with strangers). Pushing my limits would be having me drink his pee or something.

2. if the Dom is inconsistent or dishonest does the sub have the right to be upset about it? Of course.

3. As a sub, is it my duty to submit to every Dom, or just to my owner? While i was His, my Master instructed me not to respond to emails from other Doms. Now that i'm single, do i need to respond and communicate with every Dom that wishes it, or do i have a choice?

You're not submissive to EVERYONE. Just to the person or people you choose to give your submission to. Of COURSE you have a choice.

4. Do i have the right to say to a Dom that i don't want a relationship right now?
of COURSE.

5. Is it reasonable for a Dom who i've exchanged emails with but never met to expect me to send them explicit photos or to masturbate for them, when i'm not in a relationship with them?
they can expect whatever they want, but if you haven't indicated any interest in them, it'd be dumb of them. But, if you're not interested, then tell them that nicely and then stop talking to them. Men are stupid - if you keep talking to them they will think you're just playing games and said you're not into them but you really are. So be clear.

6. Most of the time, when i communicate with Doms on this site they automatically assume that i am beginning a relationship with them, even if i specifically say that i don't want a relationship. Does that mean that i shouldn't expect to have a plutonic relationship with a Dom? Am i sending out the wrong signals by talking to them at all? I'm very new at this, and usually when i talk to Doms, it's because i need advice or feedback. Is it wrong of me to expect to be able to "just talk" to a Dom?

Try talking to women instead of men. They will be better at advice and feedback overall. Not that men can't be helpful, but until you have a backbone this will be easier for you.

7. i work really long hours (sometimes 80 hours a week). One of my hard limits is to have my work schedule respected. Specifically, not to be asked to spend hours texting every day, because i have very limited free time during the work week. Is it reasonable for me to ask this?
Sure it is.

8. How unusual is it not to have a safeword? Who usually chooses it, the Dom or the sub?
I don't have a safeword, but I live with my boyfriend and trust the fuck out of him. I did in the beginning, and I chose it. It's gotta be something *I* will remember.

9. There were times with my Master when He would give me an order and i would obey it, but then He would act suprised that i obeyed Him, as if He didn't really expect it. This always upset me. i take orders very literally and was very careful to do exactly what i was told. It frustrated me that He would give me an order, but not mean it. Did i have any right to feel this way?
He sounds like a bit of a dick.

10. i have a strong distaste for conflict, and when i'm upset i usually don't talk about it. My normal reaction (and i know it's a really bad one) is to just avoid the situation altogether; stop answering emails or phone calls, move, change my email address, get a different job. i know this is the wrong reaction, but what is the right one? i endure the situation until i can't anymore, and then i bolt. i feel like i have no right to argue or ask for better treatment even if i'm being treated really badly, but eventually there comes a point when i just can't take it anymore. What should i do in this situation?

I don't wait until I'm ready to totally blow up and leave before saying something. I let things go once. If it happens a second time I bring it up and say "When you have a minute, I'd like to talk with you about something bothering me." That way things can be resolved before they turn into big issues.

(in reply to gungadin09)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/15/2010 5:31:05 PM   
DWCskitten


Posts: 199
Joined: 3/2/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

I have an off tangent question if you all who have answered the first question with pretty much "end the relationship."

Do BDSM people really walk away from relationships so easily? I don't know much about limits and the writing them down and demands they be followed etc, but it just seems that most BDSM people advocate walking away when the going gets tough. Or something happens.

Hard Limits and safewords are meant to NOT be broken. If someone is in a relationship that includes those, it's a REALLY BIG trust issue for them to be broken. There are a LOT of things i can stay and work on, but Hard Limits and Safewords? That's a really HUGE trust issue. If you can't trust your Dominant that you'll be safe when you're vulnerable, well.......there you go.

~kitten~

_____________________________

formerly sweetsub1957.

New beginnings...my first poly relationship.

Proudly Owned property of MasterDWC.


(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/15/2010 5:38:54 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

And I disagree with you.

The only general guidelines are the same ones you would apply to any relationship.

Those vary from person to person

Very prophetic, indeed.

Congratulations on rendering every single future discussion on relationships redundant.

You should add those pearls of wisdom to your signature line....

Focus.



Thanks!

But I feel they are indeed redundant and quite personal. I am constantly amazed that so many people can't seem to relate their way out of a paper bag.


Really, how hard is this? Every person knows what feels right to them. Every person has the responsibility to treat themselves with respect. No matter how they define respect.

Is anyone a bad sub? How can we know that. One persons bad is another persons dream.


People are crazy



_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/15/2010 9:28:00 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

quote:

ORIGINAL: Focus50


quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

And I disagree with you.

The only general guidelines are the same ones you would apply to any relationship.

Those vary from person to person

Very prophetic, indeed.

Congratulations on rendering every single future discussion on relationships redundant.

You should add those pearls of wisdom to your signature line....

Focus.



Thanks!

But I feel they are indeed redundant and quite personal. I am constantly amazed that so many people can't seem to relate their way out of a paper bag.


Really, how hard is this? Every person knows what feels right to them. Every person has the responsibility to treat themselves with respect. No matter how they define respect.

Is anyone a bad sub? How can we know that. One persons bad is another persons dream.


People are crazy

So to review - you, with over 7,000 posts, have got exactly ZERO help and advice to offer a newbie sub beyond this jaded, generalised windbaggery...!

Yet you came a chargin' like the gallant white knight to Mercnbeth's aid because (apparently) beth can't look after herself around here?!?

Mate, it looks a whole bunch like any remnants of your "principles" are clique-based only.... Lol, what a tool; a transparent, cliche'd tool...!

You'll get back to me in another 2 weeks? <chuckles on outa here>

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/16/2010 6:00:38 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		I came to no ones aid. I stated what I believe.

I was not aware I was not allowed to disagree with you.

I feel so chastised.

The OP received a great deal of quality advice. My post was simply a counter to yours.

I have hurt your feelings. I am sorry

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/16/2010 6:20:00 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: gungadin09

i just started doing this a couple of months ago. Master and i broke up after 2 months, and i've been obsessing about it since. i would be grateful to anyone who would answer my questions, because i don't have anyone else to ask. Please keep in mind that i'm very inexperienced, so i'm sorry if these seem like stupid questions.


1. if the Dom violates a hard limit (like not using a condom) is this a good enough reason for the sub to end the relationship? How serious is it for a Dom to violate a hard limit?

Depends on the people. Sometimes we call things a "hard limit" when in fact we are just scared of them. It depends on the people - I don't know what hard limits I have that are not about maintaining my safety - emotional and physical. I can tell you that I have what I THINK OF as hard limits, but really they are just things that I need time to get past.

As for not using a condom - only you can answer that, for you.


2. if the Dom is inconsistent or dishonest does the sub have the right to be upset about it?

It depends. Again - inconsistent about what? For how long? What are the circumstances? Why is he being inconsistent or dishonest? Relationships are not balck and white. A long term relationship can withstand more pressure than a new relationship. It's like.... ummmm... I can tolerate inconsistency from my long term friends than I can from someone I just met. And a "right to be upset"? What does that mean? We are upset or we aren't.


3. As a sub, is it my duty to submit to every Dom, or just to my owner? While i was His, my Master instructed me not to respond to emails from other Doms. Now that i'm single, do i need to respond and communicate with every Dom that wishes it, or do i have a choice?

What is your dynamic? For many of us it's a one on one thing. Some, however (like Goreans for instance), do require that their s-types submit to everyone... within their rules. And just because a guy calls himself a Dom, doesn't mean he is. Do you have a choice about dating? One would hope.


4. Do i have the right to say to a Dom that i don't want a relationship right now?

This one is a joke, right?


5. Is it reasonable for a Dom who i've exchanged emails with but never met to expect me to send them explicit photos or to masturbate for them, when i'm not in a relationship with them?

I vote he's a wanker.


6. Most of the time, when i communicate with Doms on this site they automatically assume that i am beginning a relationship with them, even if i specifically say that i don't want a relationship. Does that mean that i shouldn't expect to have a plutonic relationship with a Dom? Am i sending out the wrong signals by talking to them at all? I'm very new at this, and usually when i talk to Doms, it's because i need advice or feedback. Is it wrong of me to expect to be able to "just talk" to a Dom?

A platonic relationship is how most relationships begin. Is it a wrong signal to talk to any man? Or is that leading a man on? You can expect to talk to people.... and if they aren't cool with that, what are you willing to do about it?


7. i work really long hours (sometimes 80 hours a week). One of my hard limits is to have my work schedule respected. Specifically, not to be asked to spend hours texting every day, because i have very limited free time during the work week. Is it reasonable for me to ask this?

No. It is reasonable for you to expect it. At least in the beginning. As trust develops, perhaps there might be a reason to have you curtail those hours... like it's breaking your spirit or something. Some people need an outside party looking at stuff.

8. How unusual is it not to have a safeword? Who usually chooses it, the Dom or the sub?

It's not so much about unusal in general... it's about whether or not you choose to have one. Perhaps you ought to figure out what works for you.


9. There were times with my Master when He would give me an order and i would obey it, but then He would act suprised that i obeyed Him, as if He didn't really expect it. This always upset me. i take orders very literally and was very careful to do exactly what i was told. It frustrated me that He would give me an order, but not mean it. Did i have any right to feel this way?

I have enough busy work. I don't need to separate large paperclips from smaller ones.


10. i have a strong distaste for conflict, and when i'm upset i usually don't talk about it. My normal reaction (and i know it's a really bad one) is to just avoid the situation altogether; stop answering emails or phone calls, move, change my email address, get a different job. i know this is the wrong reaction, but what is the right one? i endure the situation until i can't anymore, and then i bolt. i feel like i have no right to argue or ask for better treatment even if i'm being treated really badly, but eventually there comes a point when i just can't take it anymore. What should i do in this situation?

Ummmmm... face the music? Pay the piper? Put on your big girl panties? Deal?

Make sure you are safe, but usually handling a fire while it's still small is usually the wisest path (in my world anyway)

Sorry if i seem really ignorant. Like i said, i'm new to this, and i have to ask someone. Thanks for reading this, and if
You feel like responding i would welcome any feedback. Thanks!


No worries.

You don't give up your common sense when you enter a room, or school, or work, or the laundromat. Same applies here.

Good luck




< Message edited by sunshinemiss -- 4/16/2010 6:39:28 AM >

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to gungadin09)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/16/2010 6:24:10 AM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: barelynangel

I have an off tangent question if you all who have answered the first question with pretty much "end the relationship."

Do BDSM people really walk away from relationships so easily? I don't know much about limits and the writing them down and demands they be followed etc, but it just seems that most BDSM people advocate walking away when the going gets tough. Or something happens.

Even with broken trust it seems the first answer is always leave or get out of the relationship.

I just don't get why. Don't you believe in working things out or working through things? Even when its hard?

Sorry for the tangent but i wanted to ask this here rather than a new thread because the OP is knew and it just seems like many answers to her 1st question is dump the relationship.

angel



Hi angel,
I think you are getting responses on the internet which are going to be more black and white than reality would bring about merely because of the medium. In reality, we tend to manage our own lives a little more compassionately. Think of all the people who say, "well if it was me, I would've..." and you think, "not if you'd been in my shoes, you wouldn't have." It's the same kind of thing here.

People do tend to try to work things out. We just don't see it as that when it is someone else. That has been my experience anyway.

Best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to barelynangel)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/16/2010 9:25:11 AM   
beltainefaerie


Posts: 610
Joined: 4/15/2006
Status: offline
quote:

1. if the Dom violates a hard limit (like not using a condom) is this a good enough reason for the sub to end the relationship? How serious is it for a Dom to violate a hard limit? If it was a limit like your example, I think that is reason to end the relationship.  I would not trust that Dom with my body again.  However, I could envision a situation where a hard-limit violation was a time for conversation and healing, rather than an immediate end to the relationship.
2. if the Dom is inconsistent or dishonest does the sub have the right to be upset about it? Of course, whether sub or not, a person has a right to be upset!  What they do about being upset may effect the relationship a good deal, however.
3. As a sub, is it my duty to submit to every Dom, or just to my owner? While i was His, my Master instructed me not to respond to emails from other Doms. Now that i'm single, do i need to respond and communicate with every Dom that wishes it, or do i have a choice? Just being wired for submission does not make you inherently submissive to every dominant, just as being heterosexual does not mean one must sleep with everyone of the opposite sex or even be attracted to them.  Choose who you respond to by the quality of their communication, things in their profile which attract you, etc.  Until you choose to surrender your control to an individual, you are a free person and should act accordingly.  You always have a choice.
4. Do i have the right to say to a Dom that i don't want a relationship right now? Yes!
5. Is it reasonable for a Dom who i've exchanged emails with but never met to expect me to send them explicit photos or to masturbate for them, when i'm not in a relationship with them? I suppose they may expect it, but not everyone will and I might be leery of the ones that wanted that immediately.  Regardless of what they expect, you may still refuse. 
6. Most of the time, when i communicate with Doms on this site they automatically assume that i am beginning a relationship with them, even if i specifically say that i don't want a relationship. Does that mean that i shouldn't expect to have a plutonic relationship with a Dom? Am i sending out the wrong signals by talking to them at all? I'm very new at this, and usually when i talk to Doms, it's because i need advice or feedback. Is it wrong of me to expect to be able to "just talk" to a Dom? There are many of us on here just for friends, for advice and companionship.  Not everyone is looking for a relationship or for sexual gratification.  Moreover, there are plenty of people who engage in D/s without sex at all.  Pretty much, if you can imagine a relationship structure, someone has it.  The issue is more finding people who mesh with what you want/need.
7. i work really long hours (sometimes 80 hours a week). One of my hard limits is to have my work schedule respected. Specifically, not to be asked to spend hours texting every day, because i have very limited free time during the work week. Is it reasonable for me to ask this? Yes.
8. How unusual is it not to have a safeword? Who usually chooses it, the Dom or the sub? I usually suggest them for beginners especially.  Master still wishes me to have one for our mutual safety/ease of communication, but we also use plain talk as well.  Either the dom or the sub can choose it and it should be something that you would not just blurt out randomly in scene.
9. There were times with my Master when He would give me an order and i would obey it, but then He would act suprised that i obeyed Him, as if He didn't really expect it. This always upset me. i take orders very literally and was very careful to do exactly what i was told. It frustrated me that He would give me an order, but not mean it. Did i have any right to feel this way?  That would frustrate me as well.  You always have a right to your feelings, though, again, what you choose to do about them may impact your relationship.
10. i have a strong distaste for conflict, and when i'm upset i usually don't talk about it. My normal reaction (and i know it's a really bad one) is to just avoid the situation altogether; stop answering emails or phone calls, move, change my email address, get a different job. i know this is the wrong reaction, but what is the right one? i endure the situation until i can't anymore, and then i bolt. i feel like i have no right to argue or ask for better treatment even if i'm being treated really badly, but eventually there comes a point when i just can't take it anymore. What should i do in this situation? You are right that they way you are dealing with conflict is dysfunctional.  What makes you think you have no right to ask to be treated in the way you would be comfortable?  Moreover, what makes you think your partner would have any idea what was making you unhappy if you never shared it?  Not everything that makes you upset has to lead to an argument or be avoided altogether.  The middle-ground is to share the things that are bothering you in a respectful manner.  Perhaps the next time you are seeking a relationship, you could discuss your past issues with conflict resolution and ask what the appropriate manner to share things that are bothering you would be.  If they don't want to give you one, that would be a red flag to me.  There should always be a way for you to share things with one another!


(in reply to gungadin09)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/16/2010 12:45:03 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Crikey,

You've had some cracking responses to your post, not all of them agree 100% - but they're all well worth reading.

Personal faves were -

DarkSteven
lally2
Focus50

From my pov, I can't add much so I'll be v brief...

Essentially - You don't need a "valid reason" for breaking up, if you're not happy with the way something is going, and don't feel it will improve then you are 100% entitled to end things

If you have a hard limit that is really important to you (as I could imagine requiring a condom may be for all sorts of really good reasons) then you're totally entitled to end the relationship if it's broken - You're equally entitled (by the way) to give someone a second chance if you want to).

You don't have any obligation to submit to anyone-period. If you choose to submit to someone, and in doing so accept their rules then that's fine too. For the jackasses who think that you should submit on demand without even knowing them there's block'n'hide.



(in reply to gungadin09)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/16/2010 2:53:28 PM   
Focus50


Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff

I came to no ones aid.

That's a bald-faced lie.


quote:

I was not aware I was not allowed to disagree with you.

Of course you're allowed; you just can't do it and be right...! ;-)


quote:

I feel so chastised.

That's more like it - apology accepted.


quote:

The OP received a great deal of quality advice. My post was simply a counter to yours.

She did; just not from you. Ahhh, you countered my post - without coming to beth's aid? And left is right, up is down; black is white etc - got it.


quote:

I have hurt your feelings. I am sorry

Yeah, go with that thought - it's as original, sincere and insightful as everything else you've shown here.

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/16/2010 4:57:19 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		That is not a bald faced lie.

You and I have never really disagreed in the past, maybe you are having a bad day. To disagree with you can stand on it's own merit.

My position on this has been constant and will remain so. While your advice you her was indeed well thought out, to claim that there are rules based on time honored BDSM protocol or anything else is to general for me.

I know I didn't hurt your feelings and I didn't really feel chastised...:)

I actually wish you well



_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to Focus50)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/16/2010 5:03:29 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Focus.... you have mail

_____________________________

"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to Jeffff)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/17/2010 6:50:47 PM   
lychos999


Posts: 7
Joined: 11/11/2009
Status: offline 		1) violation of hard limits is never acceptable be pissed off.

2)unless you are actually a slave or the inconsistency is just to intensify play be pissed off.

3)Submit only to people you trust, you have this choice and should not be made to feel guilty by anyone who is approaching you. They have to prove themselves worthy of your devotion and submission first.

4)Absolutely!! no one but you can decide who you want to be in a relationship with and they have no right to expect they can lead you into a relationship

5) No unless you've negotiated online play with that person before, I don't play online for 2 reasons, 1) it's the internet you don't know where it will end up... failblog, porn site, facebook. and 2) I don't tend to trust people I've only met online, until we shake hands all they are is text on a screen.

6) In my experience some doms feel they are entitled to do whatever to submissives. Not a lot of them realize that submissive does not mean that you are unable to think or have a life of your own. They believe you need submission and they can bend you to their will. Don't fall for it it's a bunch of crap, truly dominant people would talk to you without pressure because they are confident in themselves and will prove themselves through polite discourse not coersion.

7) Yes it's your life don't let anyone mess with that they haven't the right.

8) Unless you are a collared slave and expect not to have any rights as a human being save those that your master allows don't play without a safeword!! ever! Your safeword is your ability to revoke consent and is your most important recourse for protecting yourself with people you play with. If your Dom will not discuss a safeword with you, you have the right to tell him "my safeword is _____. It means stop what you're doing and help me get to a safe place mentally and physically" If he doesn't respect it then he has assaulted you, or worse raped you, in either case charge him criminally and start a personal lawsuit against him. It is dangerous to play without safewords so if they won't talk about them with you tell them what it is.

9) It's something you should have talked to him about. You are not a bad sub for following orders. You have a right to say something about the fact that you are not getting what makes you happy which is recognition. I would say that was a communication problem, you should be able to talk to your dom about your desires otherwise you wind up unfulfilled and you shouldn't have to live unfulfilled.

10) Conflict is difficult to deal with. You need to learn how to stand your ground without being crushed by anxiety. I recommend at least reading "verbal judo". Finding a friend you can roleplay with about conflict to determine why and how it is so unsettling for you. Also try to realize there is a difference between conflict and standing up for yourself.

I realize this prescription is a bit heavy but try to work on things like self-confidence, assertiveness, non-violent communication, and self discovery. It will take a while but you will be able to find a power exchange relationship that isn't based on completely over ridding your life. I switch and know a bit of both sides so if you want to talk about this further I'd be happy to help.

Good luck on your journey.

(in reply to gungadin09)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: am i a bad sub? - 4/17/2010 7:35:06 PM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Ya know, IJMHO and all, but sometimes I think it's easy to get too wrapped up in the BDSM aspect of things. In the end, when you strip away all the ritual and toys and chains et.al., it's just a relationship, between 2 (or 3, or 5 or 99 and a purple martian named Otto).

OP-Ask yourself this. Would you stay in a vanilla relationship where the other person took such actions?
If so, then great. Stay, chill, have fun. If not...well.....

"Am I a bad sub?"

I dunno, are you?
Don't ask us, how the hell would we know? Look inside-you know the truth.

As a general observation about relationships, I would like to note that one cannot play tennis alone.


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to BrokenSaint)
Profile   Post #: 39
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