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RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 7:27:46 AM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix73Sir

I heard more than enough to make a decision and ASKED her if she wanted to engage with me in an online relationship with a view to it becoming a live in 24/7 thing to which i didnt recieve an answer.. The conversation continues and eventually ends as it became late.

My question is:

would a sub or slave respond better to being commanded into it rather than asked? With the reliance on a Dom or master to plan their lives and take care of all the big decisions etc is it preferable for the sub to be told that this is going to happen?

your thoughts and feelings on the matter wil be hugely insightful and i thank you for your time.

Online relationship...gone at the mention of that.
The other bolded thing has me thinking the cart before the horse. How can you decide that you'd even want to live with someone who you haven't even met. Strikes me as desperate.
Had you commanded anything of me I'd laugh in your face. You can't expect someone to allow you full access to controlling their lives when you are a virtual complete stranger.

_____________________________

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 21

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 7:30:20 AM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

No need to apologize.

What you're trying to ask is true - for some of us, some of the time.

How's that for an answer, hee hee!

Really, the men i resonate with the most are the ones that have figured out their "way" of doing things, and that way works for me - not the other way around. My best advice is figure out how you want to be as a potential Master/Owner, and how you want things to happen under your control, and then do that, consistently.

Confidence in what you want - not some arbitrary protocol - is much more attractive.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 22

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 7:54:47 AM

Smutmonger

Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline

I ask her when she wants to do coffee and talk.

I don't waste a lot of time on here with women who could be ...

Married and cheating online.

Some stupid male bottom getting his rocks off playing games,because He won't pay fees to dommes-or work.

A silly female seeking fantasy fullfillment,rather than anything serious..

So my basic protocol is-"Decide you want to get off of your ass and walk the walk-not just talk the talk."

< Message edited by Smutmonger -- 4/3/2010 7:55:01 AM >

_____________________________

I didn't get into an alternative lifestyle to explore new frontiers in conformity.

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 23

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 8:08:10 AM

kanina

Posts: 147
Joined: 11/19/2009
Status: offline

if a dom cames to me and acts like he owns me or he is superior to me, or order me sothinng, or calls me puppy or lil one etc... i will be rude if i'm in bad mood if i'm in a good mood i will ask him to stop...

(in reply to Aileen1968)

Post #: 24

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 10:22:59 AM

Phoenix73Sir

Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline

Well just an update. Have had a good chat today with potential sub and she approached the topic of coming to visit in a couple of weeks time.

Yet to exchange phone numbers as I am getting a new number on tuesday so will be exchanging then.

it seems that firmly expressing my interest without any real orders seems to be doing the trick

Once again, I thank you for all of your advice and critisisms, they have all helped in one way or another. Once we get going things will be much easier as I have definite ideas of what i want and expect.

(in reply to kanina)

Post #: 25

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 12:28:38 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix73Sir

ok now i am really showing my novice colours.. I was always under the impression that collars came along after the relationship was established as a sign of ownership and also of commitment. not at the beginning. of course clarification would be very appriciated.

Until you meet face to face you only have a potential relationship. Your question as I understand it is whether to act the same way at the beginning of your relationship as you plan to be when you two are 24/7 and further along in the relationship. The answer is NO. As you have just stated, the relationship must grow and evolve at its own speed. Trust between the two of you will take time. There is no permanent commitment at the beginning so no need to as you said earlier "I suppose that starting as you mean to go on doesn't really apply in this case then". I merely added the collar thing because so many seem to collar before even meeting.

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 26

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 12:51:00 PM

Phoenix73Sir

Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline

My personal opinion is a collar is similar to an engagement or wedding ring and should onmy be given as a special sign of commitment. I know there are those who would disgaree.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 27

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 1:07:10 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

I would find someone asking me to commit to seeing if this could be a 24/7 thing on a first chat to be a red flag.
I would much prefer someone just say, "I've really enjoyed talking to you. When can I talk to you again? I'm available Wednesday after 10, how about you?".

Don't try to push towards any predetermined relationship because that suggests you are looking for someone to fit into a box you have, and not just interested them for themselves.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 28

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 1:19:31 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

It would probably help if your profile pic didn't look like you were either:

a) really pissed off

or

b) taking a shit

Just sayin'.

dreamer, just curious, do you really sit on the john with a smile on youre face -

to the OP, did you mention anywhere that you would conduct the relationship on-line before moving to real life. the thing is i dont do online at all, i just cant be arsed. it takes up far too much time stuck infront of the screen dedicated to IM and usually ends up with sex on cam, phone sex and a whole load of other stuff that to be honest, im happy to do, once ive got a real life relationship going, but before, well, not so much.

maybe she didnt want or expect things to go to online and felt she'd been mislead a bit..., just a thought, probably off beam.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 29

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 1:39:26 PM

MC4Misfit

Posts: 72
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline

To respond to your comment DesFIP, I'm very upfront about the fact that I'm ultimately looking for 24/7. I see nothing wrong with asking up front if that's a possibility for the slave in question. If they say "no", I know were I stand. If they say "maybe", then we'll go from there. But all I ask in the beginning is whether it is a possibility...no definitely commitments.

I totally agree that no one should be insane enough to expect someone else to turn their life over to them after one brief chat. Like any other relationship, it takes time to make sure they are "the One". On other sites I've seen "Masters" denounce slaves as "fakers" because they won't agree to travel cross-country the following weekend so the Master can decide if the wants to own them or not. That's just bizarre.

On the other hand, I've had slaves throw themselves at me and offer me full ownership after 5 minutes of chat. They have to be really desperate if they are offering themselves to a total stranger. I've seen my pic....I'm not THAT good looking. LOL ...and I've yet to see someone who was. Eager to please is good...desperate is just plain scary.

(in reply to lally2)

Post #: 30

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 2:35:14 PM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix73Sir

Well just an update. Have had a good chat today with potential sub and she approached the topic of coming to visit in a couple of weeks time.

Yet to exchange phone numbers as I am getting a new number on tuesday so will be exchanging then.

it seems that firmly expressing my interest without any real orders seems to be doing the trick

Once again, I thank you for all of your advice and critisisms, they have all helped in one way or another. Once we get going things will be much easier as I have definite ideas of what i want and expect.

well, all the best, i hope it goes well

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 31

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 5:59:11 PM

trueshadow

Posts: 388
Joined: 1/1/2005
Status: offline

What they've said is right. No one likes assumptions made about them.

(in reply to sexyred1)

Post #: 32

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 7:32:39 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: MC4Misfit

To respond to your comment DesFIP, I'm very upfront about the fact that I'm ultimately looking for 24/7. I see nothing wrong with asking up front if that's a possibility for the slave in question. If they say "no", I know were I stand. If they say "maybe", then we'll go from there. But all I ask in the beginning is whether it is a possibility...no definitely commitments.

When you start talking to the girl ahead of you in a coffee shop, do you also ask her immediately if she's available to possibly proceed to a serious relationship? Because this was the equivalent, it was a first chat.

Asking someone first thing before you even know if you want to see them a second time just strikes me as strange. Not in the creepy category but definitely in the weird and with some desperation. And that's not a good thing.

Asking them roundabout questions about their life that would also elicit whether or not they're married or otherwise involved is just nicer than a point blank "I don't want to waste my time talking to you if you are in any way not available for a long term relationship".

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to MC4Misfit)

Post #: 33

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 7:37:38 PM

UniqueRaven

Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

quote:

ORIGINAL: MC4Misfit

To respond to your comment DesFIP, I'm very upfront about the fact that I'm ultimately looking for 24/7. I see nothing wrong with asking up front if that's a possibility for the slave in question. If they say "no", I know were I stand. If they say "maybe", then we'll go from there. But all I ask in the beginning is whether it is a possibility...no definitely commitments.

When you start talking to the girl ahead of you in a coffee shop, do you also ask her immediately if she's available to possibly proceed to a serious relationship? Because this was the equivalent, it was a first chat.

Asking someone first thing before you even know if you want to see them a second time just strikes me as strange. Not in the creepy category but definitely in the weird and with some desperation. And that's not a good thing.

Asking them roundabout questions about their life that would also elicit whether or not they're married or otherwise involved is just nicer than a point blank "I don't want to waste my time talking to you if you are in any way not available for a long term relationship".

i see nothing wrong with being asked if i'm ultimately seeking 24/7 TPE - or asking someone else if they're doing the same.

The difference here between asking if someone is seeking 24/7 vs. just are they married or whatever, is that 24/7 is a specific relationship style. If someone were more of a "bedroom Dom" or seeking more of an intermittent D/s relationship, then obviously we would not be a good match for that reason.

Everyone has different structural rules on getting to know people online. For me, honestly if i had a casual conversation with every guy who wrote me i would be spending even more time in front of the computer than i already am - way more. As it is i spend several hours a day here between the forums, my blog, and returning emails (all sorts). i see nothing wrong with being open and honest with someone - and him with me - about what we're both ultimately seeking.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 34

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 7:51:41 PM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix73Sir
I heard more than enough to make a decision and ASKED her if she wanted to engage with me in an online relationship with a view to it becoming a live in 24/7 thing to which i didnt recieve an answer.. The conversation continues and eventually ends as it became late.

My question is:

would a sub or slave respond better to being commanded into it rather than asked? With the reliance on a Dom or master to plan their lives and take care of all the big decisions etc is it preferable for the sub to be told that this is going to happen?

your thoughts and feelings on the matter wil be hugely insightful and i thank you for your time.

I am very tired and should be in bed, but I stopped to read and will give you MY thoughts and my energy and time.

First off, I would NEVER engage in an online "relationship" with anyone. It sounds like you are attempting to "date" an unknown human being within cyber space.

I would have responded "yes" to a question that went much like what my Sir requested: shall we continue to get to know each other via emails and move to the phone and meet each other when the time seems right/appropriate? It was 3 months. Enough time to not engage in fantasies but sent daily emails explaining/sharing/ communicating more about ourselves...much like denuding an onion. There was no "relationship" just emails speaking from the honesty within ourselves.

Secondly, I would never agree to what you ASKED because you are skipping very quickly to "live in" when you have not even met this woman.

Talk about A LOT of red flags.

Mind you, just because someone says something, does not mean they are giving you their gospel truth. . . they are sharing, opening up. When you meet this woman, what will be her truth?

Just my few thoughts, humbly served on a tired plate.

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 35

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/3/2010 9:29:53 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5170
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Phoenix73Sir

My personal opinion is a collar is similar to an engagement or wedding ring and should onmy be given as a special sign of commitment. I know there are those who would disgaree.

While you and your lady are chatting and getting to know one another, make sure you and she agree on what a collar means. A collar means what you and she agree it means. Just because you are sure what YOU know it means does not mean that she agrees with your definition.

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 36

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/4/2010 5:20:07 AM

Phoenix73Sir

Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline

Been there already.. came up in general convo as opposed to asking outright. and we both share the same opinion which is handy otherwise I could have been in a pickle..

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 37

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/4/2010 5:42:51 AM

MC4Misfit

Posts: 72
Joined: 3/31/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

When you start talking to the girl ahead of you in a coffee shop, do you also ask her immediately if she's available to possibly proceed to a serious relationship? Because this was the equivalent, it was a first chat.

Asking someone first thing before you even know if you want to see them a second time just strikes me as strange. Not in the creepy category but definitely in the weird and with some desperation. And that's not a good thing.

Asking them roundabout questions about their life that would also elicit whether or not they're married or otherwise involved is just nicer than a point blank "I don't want to waste my time talking to you if you are in any way not available for a long term relationship".

Fair enough, but I will point out that this isn't a coffee shop. This is a BDSM site, and most of the people who come here are looking for someone...whether for one play session or for a long term relationship.

I'm just stating my goals upfront. That way if a slave has different goals we know upfront and don't waste each others time. It's just like checking boxes in the profiles. If one person checks "Lives for it" for say "diaper sex" and the other checks "Hard limit", they aren't a great match...at least in that regard. If I think 24/7 and the sub is thinking "one night stand", we're really not the best match either.

Look at how many straight vanilla relationships get into trouble when they suddenly find out that one wants to marry and have children and the other doesn't. Had they both been upfront about their goals, they could have addressed it before putting a lot of time into the relationship.

That having been said, I never refuse to talk to someone because our long term goals didn't match. I've made some very good cyberfriends who are subs and slaves. We'll never play (hell, we'll probably never meet in person), but I still enjoy chatting with them.

And in the end, we all have our own styles when it comes to relationships. There really aren't absolutes. Whatever works for you is fine.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 38

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/4/2010 5:49:18 AM

Phoenix73Sir

Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline

Yeah the coffee shop analogy doesnt seem to work in my case either as when se messaged me, she opened by asying that she was a sub looking for a new master and found me via the slave register.

That seems to me kind of like the girl in front of you in line for the coffee shop starting something like. "Hi, I'm Jane. I'm single and think you might be what I am looking for. wanna have a chat over there and see if I like you for more than your looks?"

but then that goes out of the window as soon as you put a profile into the equasion as the girl in front already knows stuff about you.

(in reply to MC4Misfit)

Post #: 39

RE: Is there a protocol for initiating a relationship? - 4/4/2010 8:36:40 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

What you folks seem to miss is that what we want is frequently relationship specific. I can't even remember how many slaves said they never wanted a m/s relationship until they met their master. How many people do you know who weren't looking to get married until they met Mr or Ms Right?

So if someone is presently happy and therefore isn't looking specifically to change, you will rule him or her out based on now. Which precludes any chance that the relationship will be so wonderful they become open to change.

In effect, if they're miserable where they live, then they'll be looking to move in with someone. But that's not the someone you should be looking for.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)

Post #: 40

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