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The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 8:46:19 AM   
MistressRoux


Posts: 118
Joined: 2/20/2010
Status: offline 		Do any of you have a hybrid BDSM-vanilla relationship? This is a goal for me in the future. I don't really see that happening despite my desire for it. Vanilla relationships are so hard to begin with and the addition of the BDSM could possibly make it better or worse.

If you have or have had such a relationship, how do you strike the balance? Or is this even possible without relegating the Domme component to some sort of alter ego?
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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 9:26:42 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		The kind of relationship that works for me is one that is built on a solid vanilla foundation.  Inside the bedroom, it is mostly kink.  Outside the bedroom, it is vanillalike, but with me in subtle charge.

I honestly can't envision any other kind of D/s relationship working.


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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 9:44:21 AM   
GraciousLady


Posts: 529
Joined: 7/7/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

The kind of relationship that works for me is one that is built on a solid vanilla foundation.  Inside the bedroom, it is mostly kink.  Outside the bedroom, it is vanillalike, but with me in subtle charge.

I honestly can't envision any other kind of D/s relationship working.



This is how my relationships work as well. I really do not see how a "completely" D/s relationship can work if the s person has any life out of the confines of the house.

(in reply to DarkSteven)
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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 10:34:03 AM   
Lockit


Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		I believe that the more successful relationships I've had started out vanilla and moved into d/s. Alpha men that would never think of following a woman's lead, who evolved with me, into my taking the lead and them very happy with the results. In fact, the reasons we broke up had nothing to do with vanilla or d/s and I later found they were trying to find a relationship like what we had with others.

In truth and being exactly who I present I am from the start, with no manipulation or falsehood, most my relationships simply evolved from them knowing me and trusting me. Their motive was to know me and be with me and yes there were sexual interest from the start, but not a focus on kink. Where I've gotten into trouble with men and relationships, is when we start out with a d/s dynamic from meeting here or knowing right off we are dominant or submissive. Somehow that seems to take the focus off what I think are the finer things and into kink, which I love, but not as a motivation.

I don't see life working out well without the vanilla or d/s. It is only when one or the other takes more importance or focus that I see a problem. I am always a kinky person, but am not acting on that kink at all times. I am a very vanilla person but am not acting vanilla all the time. It is almost too hard to think of separating myself like that. I am simply Lockit, who is vanilla, kinky, demanding, kind... so on and so forth. I am just being myself and I don't worry about it. But if I were to focus too much on vanilla things and ignore my kink, I would not be in balance and I would be ignoring an important part of a relationship. Just as ignoring sex in a totally vanilla relationship would be. You cannot let one thing over-ride an important part of a relationship without having a problem in that relationship. There is enough time in a day or a way to work things out so that you can have all you want in life. You may not have as much time as you want in one thing or another, but if the relationship is important to you and what you are doing is important, you will find some time.

What works best for me is simply being who I am and being true to myself and finding someone who is doing the same. When we click, we click. If we don't click, I don't even try to make us click. I don't set out to make a certain type of relationship. I let the people in the relationship evolve into whatever we do from that clicking moment. That doesn't mean there isn't a focus at times, but the people matter more than the focus and if our focus is similar, we have something. (I hope this makes sense... it's a rough morning here! lol)


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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 11:07:19 AM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRoux

Do any of you have a hybrid BDSM-vanilla relationship? This is a goal for me in the future. I don't really see that happening despite my desire for it. Vanilla relationships are so hard to begin with and the addition of the BDSM could possibly make it better or worse.

If you have or have had such a relationship, how do you strike the balance? Or is this even possible without relegating the Domme component to some sort of alter ego?


My relationship is 100% vanilla until I say I'm ready to be the femdom.  So in a sense, it's vanilla, but on my terms, so it's technically 24.7 femdom, right?  Makes the head spin.

My relationship is playful, loving, respectful.  I don't have to carry a total sense of authority over everything, I am not domineering, and I am not a control freak.  My husband doesn't need to challenge my authority, he is able to pretty much read my mind and is proactive in his taking care of my needs, and we're comfortable with me being "in charge."  The nuances are so subtle, we are not even consciously aware they exist.  I am the one to initiate and control the frequency of both sex and kinky sex.  I buy whatever I want; he knows when to ask permission to make a large purchase.  That said, I don't buy things without getting his opinion because I value what he has to say.   Even with regards to free time or social activities, as an example:

Me:  I'm going to take a cruise with my girlfriends in May.  Will you look into the dates and prices and let me know the best time?
(one week later)
Him: I'm thinking about taking a bike trip with friends and it costs xxx.  Would that be ok, you think?

This difference is very subtle, but it colors everything we do.  He asks permission; I ask for opinions.  It's not that I tell him no; I don't think I have ever denied him anything he wants.  He has NEVER told me, "No. You can't do that," when I suggest to him that I want to buy something or do something; he has, however, respectfully asked me to consider an alternative or try to weigh things, if I am going down a ridiculous path.  How many more purses or shoes do I need, after all?

In that sense, we have a 24/7 power dynamic.  But it's not decorated with kinky window dressings 24/7.  The kink factor is 100% on my terms and depending on my moods and urges.

Akasha


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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 11:09:57 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Do any of you have a hybrid BDSM-vanilla relationship?


I'm not sure how you define a hybrid BDSM-vanilla relationship.

For some, the relationship would be a hybrid the minute he's not naked 24/7 with a collar and me micromanaging him, which to me sounds like a nightmare.

For some, the relationship would be a hybrid the minute he's allowed to voice his opinion.

For some, the relationship would be a hybrid the minute he had a choice.

For me, I prefer to define my relationships on term that I clearly understand. I want a female-led relationship in which I take the lead, however I chose to and deferring to me seems natural to him. I want to know how he feels, I want to know what he thinks, I want to know what he wants and based on all that information and more, I will make the best decision for us.

As for the details of how this all plays out, it ebbs and flows.

- LA


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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 3:11:53 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		OP, 24/7 doesn't mean he's going around with a butt plug up his ass all the time, etc.


It means he's mine all the time. That my authority over him is constant.

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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 3:26:21 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: dreamerdreaming

OP, 24/7 doesn't mean he's going around with a butt plug up his ass all the time, etc.


It means he's mine all the time. That my authority over him is constant.


what dreamer says 

as a sub i personally do not wish to dip in and out of vanilla, it confuses the hell out of me - but neither do i wish for micromanagement and neither do i wish to be hard work or someone he has to chase for every little thing he asks.  in my head im always under his control, that doesnt have to be in any way overt, extrovert or actively applied or implied.  it simply is.  by the same token he can carry on as he usually does without any requirement on his part to be anything other than himself, assured that im happily in my place.

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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 4:01:17 PM   
Politesub53


Posts: 14862
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline 		It is highly possible to swap from D/s to vanilla and back again, as the situation dictates. This need not take away the fact that the overall relationship is always D/s based. I dont think it would be very submissive to change character, just because the dominant requires you to act vanilla in certain settings.

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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 4:12:00 PM   
BKSir


Posts: 4037
Joined: 4/8/2008
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Status: offline 		Worked for us for 3 years, popping in and out.  What tore it apart was distance and other factors.  I was the d-type, had my partner and had my pet.  My pet was also my partner's other lover.  He slept in the middle of the bed.  There was no d/s dynamic between the two of them.  There is no d/s dynamic between my partner and I.  But there was that dynamic between my pet and I.  It really didn't cause much problem after some of the initial ironing out period.

Will it work for you?  I don't know.  I'm not part of your relationship.  All relationships are different.  Different things work for different people.  Can it work though?  Most certainly.  Can it go up in flames also?  Very easily.

I do hope, if you try such a thing, that it works though.  It can be a beautiful and wonderful thing, something I was hoping to have forever.  Something I hope to have again.  Best of luck to you in this.  If you need anything, have any questions, whatever... I'm easy to find. :)


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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 4:21:44 PM   
peppermint


Posts: 5169
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline 		There ARE people who live D/s 24/7.  Some are married with children.  Some are in long term 24/7 relationships.  They do the same activities any couple would do.  They clean house.  They wash clothes.  They go to work and pay bills.  They go to family gatherings for birthdays and holidays.  They take vacations.  They have people over for BBQs in the backyard.  They do not feel the need to flaunt their lifestyle choices.  The submissive will not be naked and kneeling at the Dominant's feet at all times, even at family gatherings.  The submissive will not wear a leash and collar at all times.  However, that couple sitting at the other table in the restaurant may be a D/s couple who easily and simply combine marriage/friendship/family values/submissive/Dominant relationship into one wonderful package.  

(in reply to MistressRoux)
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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 4:38:20 PM   
marsneedswomen


Posts: 98
Joined: 9/22/2005
Status: offline 		My vanilla relationships have been more 24/7 domme than my kinky relationships.

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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 5:16:37 PM   
PeonForHer


Posts: 19612
Joined: 9/27/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit


Yep, lose the words 'Lockit' and 'demanding' and all that pretty much works for me, too. 

To the OP, and re:

If you have or have had such a relationship, how do you strike the balance? Or is this even possible without relegating the Domme component to some sort of alter ego?
 
No, even given my little experience, I know that it needn't be seen nor dealt with in these terms.  One doesn't have to think about 'relegating' the Domme component (or the sub component, for that matter) to some alter ego.  I think it's much more of a case of evolving (or allowing the evolution of) a constant undercurrent of it.  That way, the engine of the kink's always purring away in the background, you might say.

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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 5:27:54 PM   
hardbodysub


Posts: 1654
Joined: 8/7/2005
Status: offline 		I think it's eminently doable. Turn it on when it feels right to you, keep it vanilla when it doesn't seem appropriate, or when you don't feel like it. I know I'm making it sound too easy, but I think there are a lot of us who would like that kind of relationship.

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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 6:11:07 PM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MistressRoux

Do any of you have a hybrid BDSM-vanilla relationship? This is a goal for me in the future. I don't really see that happening despite my desire for it. Vanilla relationships are so hard to begin with and the addition of the BDSM could possibly make it better or worse.



i don't think that i've ever had any other type of D/s relationship.  But i guess that depends on how you define "hybrid".

To me, it is very difficult to be in "scene-mode" 24/7.  Most of life is fairly vanilla.  It takes a lot of work to make all of those vanilla moments kinky.  More work than i'd ever be interested in putting in.

During those vanilla moments, W/we may be participating in a vanilla activity, but W/we are both still cognizant of O/our respective roles in the relationship.  For example, if W/we are taking in a Broadway play, W/we will both be dressed in vanilla attire, and behaving in a very vanilla fashion.  Yet i am still aware that She is the Domme, and i am the sub.  So does that make our relationship hybrid or 24/7?  i guess that depends on how you define each term.


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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/4/2010 7:20:18 PM   
MsStarlett


Posts: 1879
Joined: 12/23/2007
Status: offline 		My marriage started out 100% vanilla.  Although my husband was always pretty easy to 'manipulate' into doing what I wanted.  I was always head of household from the get go.  I have mentioned before that I only 'came out of the closest' as a Domme a few years ago, but I always considered myself 'just a little kinky.'  Hubby and I started "Swinging" first.  I've also always referred to my husband as "Vanilla with Sprinkles" - but my mentor Dom and I have been grooming his Dom side.

Edit - I never actually said "YES!  It can work."  It just works differently for different people.


< Message edited by MsStarlett -- 4/4/2010 7:21:04 PM >

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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/5/2010 4:56:01 AM   
MistressRoux


Posts: 118
Joined: 2/20/2010
Status: offline 		My interests may be too far and wide for me to fully consider the future.

I want an alpha male-like sub. Something about dominating a powerful man... the thought alone puts me on cloud 9

I tend to be D/s first then try to build vanilla part after. I'm a hedonist in that way as vanilla seems like too much work at the moment, but eventually...

It's hard to define what I mean as a hybrid. The sexual part is straightforward. As for the non-sexual component, I'm a hands-off leader who will occasionally give big-picture instruction or veto once in a while, but I'm not at all a manager yet alone a micro-manager. Micromanaging sounds more hellish than wearing a butt plug all day.

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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/5/2010 5:00:42 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

Micromanaging sounds more hellish than wearing a butt plug all day.


Indeed.

The only problem that I have with calling what most describe here as hybrid is that it sounds like we are alternating between two states of mind.

I'm not alternating between two states of mind. Because I'm not a micro-manager, parts of my relationship might seem vanilla, but simply because acts are vanilla doesn't mean that the dynamic changes. The foundational and underlying dynamic is still D/s.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/5/2010 5:07:11 AM   
Rochsub2009


Posts: 2536
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika

The only problem that I have with calling what most describe here as hybrid is that it sounds like we are alternating between two states of mind.

I'm not alternating between two states of mind. Because I'm not a micro-manager, parts of my relationship might seem vanilla, but simply because acts are vanilla doesn't mean that the dynamic changes. The foundational and underlying dynamic is still D/s.



i agree.  That is why i asked her to define "hybrid".  i wasn't sure how she would define it when i am not in kink mode, but my Domme and i are still aware of our respective roles.  Is that hybrid, or is it 24/7?

But as you stated, when i am performing vanilla acts the underlying mindset is still D/s.


_____________________________

"The thing about smart mother fuckers is that sometimes, they sound like crazy mother fuckers to stupid mother fuckers".
-Robert Kirkman, The Walking Dead

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RE: The Hybrid Relationship - 4/5/2010 5:15:53 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Ive never thought it possible to be 24/7. I mean, are you dominating your laundry when it needs to be done? Even in 24/7 households, although an undertone might be there, there is still the mundane tasks of life. Work, dinner, laundry, cleaning, etc. You just cant be in some character for all that period of time and the 24/7 people have perfectly "normal vanilla" moments most of the time.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 4/5/2010 5:34:50 AM >

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