RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (Full Version)

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elleX -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 1:39:31 PM)

No , that would not make sens to me,, to me a Dominant has at time to be my refuge,, my home ,,,especially these hards time that i am going through,,,
what you  are talking ( been cruel all the time ) is a fantaisy  ,,, something coming out of a book or a role play  ,,, i dont beleive a submissive women could endure it on a long road ,,,
my point of view,,,,



MissAsylum -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 1:59:43 PM)

thanks everybody. love the input. i'm a fairly open minded individual- so typically, if somebody disagrees with me, i'm open to seeing another side to the situation. since i could really find one (lol) i thought, "ok...maybe its just me." after reading your responses, i can see that isnt the case. oh, and today for the first time, i watched femdom and D/s porn today. i mean seriously- THAT is what's expected of me? i think i may need to stick to vanilla life if that was the case lol



HisSweetElysium -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 2:09:39 PM)

LOL no that's called an asshole. They need not apply.



afkarr -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 2:30:04 PM)

People who are sadistic, cruel, and genuinely evil all the time exists far too often in nature; I believe the proper term for them is not dominate, but "abusive", and their submissives are victims. They're the ones using the cloak of BDSM to lend legitimancy to their sociopathics tendencies.



OrpheusAgonistes -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 4:09:37 PM)

No.  Not even a comic book supervillain is cruel and evil ALL the time.  I'm pretty sure even Lex Luthor sometimes plays fetch with adorable puppies.  He may later inject them with something to mutate them into giant super atomic hellhounds, but they have a few nice moments together.

Just to be clear, I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone who is far, far, far more drawn to sadism and cruelty in a partner than even the average masochist.  Capacity for cruelty, the ability to laugh at the suffering of another, a sick sense of humor, a genius for inventive torment--these are all things I absolutely value.  So basically, I totally understand how strong the urge is to find someone to be cruel and evil, and do it well.

Even I'm well aware that someone who is "cruel and evil ALL the time" is a cartoon character.  That would be a tedious, soul-sucking dynamic.  The thing is, I have to like the person who is torturing me.  It's the interpersonal dynamic that tweaks me way more than anything in particular that they might do.  Without the capacity to relate to each other as human beings in some way you essentially have a TortureBot 3000, and that gets boring fast the first time you want to talk about books or don't have any more tokens to cram in its mouth.

At the end of the day, though, let me add that one extremely appealing trait for a sadist to have is this:  Not to be cruel and evil ALL the time, but the capacity for turning on a dime and suddenly being cruel and evil abruptly, unexpectedly, like a bolt from the blue.  That's hot.



Lockit -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 5:01:14 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

and usefulidiot- this is the wrong forum for that post. good luck in your search


Why was usefulidiot's post wrong? All that was said was that the op  sounds exhausting. The comment fit the thread quite well. Anyone can post anywhere and if there is a problem with it, I am sure the mod's can readily take care of it. In this situation... your correction of usefulidiot's post was in error.

New question... do we apologize as a dominant when we are wrong?



Phoenix73Sir -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 5:25:57 PM)

I know that if i put my mind to it I could be a complete SOB and could probably maintain that for some time, but I know that i could not keep that up To do that to me would involve such a deep flaw in character that any sensible sub or slave would steer well clear.

Maybe I'm not Evil ENOUGH, but i would find it impossible to not take my slave into my arms and bring her back to the love and warmth before too long.



MissAsylum -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 5:46:47 PM)

I dont think its below me to apologize when i am wrong. we are all human- we all make mistakes.i'm not going to hold myself to some rediculous self-serving high standard to believe i am too big to say "sorry". i guess there would only be the possibility of transfer of power. but i think thats an instance one must take care not to grovel.



DarkSteven -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 6:06:10 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

i had a conversation today with somebody who was supposed to meet me. he asked for me to dominate him over the phone(not my thing- it strikes me as "i'll degrade and humilate you while you jerk off") and when i said no- he said "i'm looking for a dominant mistress and good luck in your search". so because i wont vocally jerk you off, I'm not dominant? pssh. whatever.


Sooo... you're not Dominant because you wanted to Dominate him in your way and not his?

That makes my head hurt



TheLadyIsADomme -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 7:25:28 PM)

I had a similar experience as you describe, MissA. I was casually chatting with a new person, and we were exploring potential. He then told me that he couldn't consider meeting me because I was too "nice". I found that to be quite amusing, espcecially since he was new, with no experience other than his fantasies.

<sigh> - Some men make me feel like a caricature of FANTASY DOMME! LOL.



OrpheusAgonistes -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 7:41:21 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLadyIsADomme

I had a similar experience as you describe, MissA. I was casually chatting with a new person, and we were exploring potential. He then told me that he couldn't consider meeting me because I was too "nice". I found that to be quite amusing, espcecially since he was new, with no experience other than his fantasies.

<sigh> - Some men make me feel like a caricature of FANTASY DOMME! LOL.



Actually, I don't see anything wrong with that.  If the chemistry isn't there, it isn't there.  I (tactfully) blow people off frequently for both vanilla and kinky relationships for being, for lack of a better phrase, a little "too nice."  It isn't a judgment on them as people.  I'd never tell someone else how they're "supposed to be."  They're fine how they are--but they're not for me.

I don't know any of the details of the anecdote you're describing.  It's entirely possible that he had wildly unrealistic expectations and was acting like a schmuck.  But I do think there is a difference, as a general rule, between saying to someone "Well, this is the way you have to be or else you're doing it wrong," and saying "You know, I'm just not feeling much chemistry here, you're a little bit too 'nice' a person but good luck."



TheLadyIsADomme -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 7:53:56 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: OrpheusAgonistes


Actually, I don't see anything wrong with that.  If the chemistry isn't there, it isn't there.  I (tactfully) blow people off frequently for both vanilla and kinky relationships for being, for lack of a better phrase, a little "too nice."  It isn't a judgment on them as people.  I'd never tell someone else how they're "supposed to be."  They're fine how they are--but they're not for me.

I don't know any of the details of the anecdote you're describing.  It's entirely possible that he had wildly unrealistic expectations and was acting like a schmuck.  But I do think there is a difference, as a general rule, between saying to someone "Well, this is the way you have to be or else you're doing it wrong," and saying "You know, I'm just not feeling much chemistry here, you're a little bit too 'nice' a person but good luck."



At the risk of hijacking the thread, I agree with you regarding chemistry. No question that that is something that cannot be manufactured.

However, the OP (as I understood it) was regarding whether a dominant person had to be evil or cruel in order to be dominant. I think that this is an unrealistic expectation, similar to those that think that they must submit in some fantastical way to any or every dominant.

For me, when I am involved with someone, I want to *enjoy* them. Can I be mean or cruel at times? Sure, but as LadyPact described, I consider that more along the lines of sadistic. A steady diet of anything, even the most delectable thing you can imagine, soon becomes tiresome and unwelcome.

Just my 02c.



Smutmonger -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 8:11:28 PM)

Only if they charge you to play.   >:))



MissAsylum -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 9:11:50 PM)

yes...i didnt even give it much thought i my head was hurting.



MissAsylum -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 9:17:57 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLadyIsADomme

I had a similar experience as you describe, MissA. I was casually chatting with a new person, and we were exploring potential. He then told me that he couldn't consider meeting me because I was too "nice". I found that to be quite amusing, espcecially since he was new, with no experience other than his fantasies.

<sigh> - Some men make me feel like a caricature of FANTASY DOMME! LOL.




its really quite irritating. chemistry is one thing, and i have no problem with blowing off/being blown off(lol) if the feelings just arent there.

however, the whole "too nice" shitck....

*slaps forehead*

...really gets under my skin. and not many things do. Like i said in one of my earlier posts, i watched some D/s and FemDom porn- it was typical of what i think some subs expect of me.

We all have different styles of what we do- i don't know why that was selected as the golden standard.

IMO, if a domme prances about in the manner that is displayed in porn, she isnt one, just somebody playing dress up.

but like i said, in my opinion.



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 10:26:39 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

degrade people all the time? just curious.


Yes. Absolutely!

As long as she's someone else's dominant. Mine? No, because nobody with that of attitude or personality would ever get past the first 3 minutes with me.



ThatDamnedPanda -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 10:33:06 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum


We all have different styles of what we do- i don't know why that was selected as the golden standard.


That's an outstanding question. I've never been able to figure that out either. Where did that come from, and how did it become so ineradicable? I've never understood it.



quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum
IMO, if a domme prances about in the manner that is displayed in porn, she isnt one, just somebody playing dress up.

but like i said, in my opinion.


Others may disagree with you, but I'm not one. It depends upon which particular "Domme Barbie" outfit you're referring to, but in general, most of those standard fetish costumes are completely lost on me.



GreedyTop -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/5/2010 11:33:50 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Lockit

quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

and usefulidiot- this is the wrong forum for that post. good luck in your search


Why was usefulidiot's post wrong? All that was said was that the op  sounds exhausting. The comment fit the thread quite well. Anyone can post anywhere and if there is a problem with it, I am sure the mod's can readily take care of it. In this situation... your correction of usefulidiot's post was in error.


hear hear



lally2 -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/6/2010 1:08:03 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: TheLadyIsADomme

I had a similar experience as you describe, MissA. I was casually chatting with a new person, and we were exploring potential. He then told me that he couldn't consider meeting me because I was too "nice". I found that to be quite amusing, espcecially since he was new, with no experience other than his fantasies.

<sigh> - Some men make me feel like a caricature of FANTASY DOMME! LOL.



with respect to youreself but wasnt that just the slave still living in the unreality of something as yet unrealised - by that i mean, he hasnt put his ass on the line yet and is still all tied up in knots with the fantasy of being treated badly.

we all start off with a fantasy driven idea of what this all means and how we want it to be.  you have to go down the track and around the block once or twice before you realise that what you really want is a happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship.  maybe some dont, in fact im sure there are those that dont want that at all.  but in general i would say people do.

the whole 'do me' prototype of submissive/slave is largely based on inexperience i often feel, but i could be horrendously wrong



DesFIP -> RE: Subs- do you feel a Dominant has to be cruel and evil ALL the time? (4/6/2010 4:20:22 AM)

Cruel, evil and degrading? That makes you someone to avoid, in my book.



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