OttersSwim
Posts: 2860
Joined: 9/1/2008
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quote:
ORIGINAL: LadyNTrainer
quote:
ORIGINAL: OttersSwim
We are in a community of dominants and submissives, bottoms and tops. I am submissive to my Lady, but I will extend a level of what I call deferential courtesy to someone that I know is a dominant. It is not anything that I can absolutely put a finger on that I do, but I generally act in a way that is...deferential to them. A subtle acknowledgment of my status and of theirs in the hierarchy of things. I do this because I enjoy it and I hope it makes them feel more at ease.
Subtle courtesy extended for whatever reason rarely grates on anyone. I've encountered "submissives" who were inappropriately intimate with their displays to nonconsenting strangers and as a result mostly got a rep for themselves as That Creepy Guy and made the dominants uncomfortable.
In a clearly defined group that chooses to stratify itself based on D/s orientation, formal manners and behaviorally differentiating between castes helps maintain that social stratification. I have no issues with this when membership in that group is completely consensual and everyone knows what they're agreeing to when they join. There are potential problems with attempting to enforce a social hierarchy in a larger group - say, the BDSM community - where not everyone has consented to abide by these rules. When I go to a BDSM event, it does not constitute my automatic consent to be a stranger's dominant, *in any way, shape or form*. So it's likely to make me uncomfortable if someone behaves as if they are my personal responsibility, entitled to my watchfulness and protection, and a public reflection on my household and my personal honor, when they are not. Submission to me encompasses all of those things, and I will not accept it from someone unless I am willing to be genuinely responsible for them on some level. That takes time, trust, negotiation and consent.
I should draw a distinction between acting "submissive" and acting "deferential". Nothing in how I behave to other dominants than my own is submissive. It is respectful and somewhat deferential. My example of priority of courtesies such as bringing drinks, etc. Now, offering to get others drinks too is also just a part of being polite. But as a submissive, it is something I will pointedly do. Asking who wants what in an order that puts the Dominants first, and bringing those drinks back and handing out to the dominants first is one way that I define that deference.
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I am on a journey of authenticity and self.
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RE: Respect for submissive to Dominant. - 
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