PrimalConsonance
Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
Status: offline
|
quote:
ORIGINAL: loveisnotenough
I want to clarify before I start that this is being posted from a dummy profile. I have been on this site and these boards for quite some time. People here actually do know me and that is exactly why I had to go this route. I need responses based on the information provided here and not the history of things that would occur under my regular account. Those who don't like this, please don't make what is a bad situation worse by posting simply to bitch about it. Just don't respond. For those willing still, I will appreciate your insights.
My Master and I are getting ready for a major life change. The event is huge. It means we both have a lot to do to get ready and some of it is not exactly easy. Part of it is dealing with some personal stuff (individually) and also securing the situation for people we care about. We each have to do our own part in order for the transition to be a successful and smooth one.
My Master has a friend in his life that he has helped support over the past approximately 6 years. She has a health condition that limits her options for work and a disabled relative dependent on her. They agreed together at the beginning that the situation was temporary and that she should be working to get to a point where she could take care of herself. This has not occurred. She is currently working part time (she has held full time work in the past and is capable now), has not a penny of savings, and has not dealt with credit issues. He now is telling me that, due to the long history (some of which he hasn't but plans to tell me about), he feels an obligation to her that directly impacts his future with me.
Keep in mind that this event has been in the making for about a year now. Also keep in mind that we were within a few weeks of things moving forward. There are things that have been done that can't be undone. There are other things that are coming up fast that need taking care of. This problem leaves everything up in the air. He has had the past year to sit her down and tell her what was going on as well as helping her move in a direction that would allow her to make it without his continued help. I even expressed that I have no issue with helping her temporarily within some kind of boundaries for the first year. I just don't want to suddenly wind up with two additional people dependent upon and more or less involved with our relationship.
Our relationship is not new. His association with this woman predates him knowing me, however. This is not his wife, girlfriend, former slave, none of it. This really is strictly a friendship situation. He and I have weathered a lot of stuff, but this one is shaking up my world. I want to do the right thing as a person, an intimate partner, a slave, and all my other vanilla roles that this involves. My trust in his ability and willingness to handle problems wisely is not holding up very well at the moment. I am even having trouble respecting him because of this. In my mind, he has put both me and this woman and her relative in a very bad position. He did it because the conversation was to difficult to have and figuring it all out was going to be time consuming as well as emotionally draining. He chose is comfort over all of our well being. That's my perspective anyway. Granted, right now I am pretty emotional about the whole thing and I can admit that.
I am sure the answers to this thread will get personal. That's fine...to a point. I need some degree of it. At the same time, I don't want this thread to be so specific as to not be useful to other readers. I want to get some insight on how people view the handling of personal matters by their D or s type with regard to their ability to have a healthy relationship and, more importantly, a healthy relationship with a power dynamic. I also need some idea what my input and appropriate response should be as his slave. I know this is more determined by my own dynamic and no one can give me a definitive answer. I just want to know what would be acceptable in others' relationships.
I am trying to hold on here. No one is perfect. He has made a mistake and a big one, but that is just proof he is, in fact human. Last I checked putting on the leather and swinging a flogger didn't change that fact. My questions now are whether we can recover from this, how, what I need to do, and if I need to reconsider going forward with our plans at this time. I know no one can give me those answers. I just need input, perspectives, opinions, encouragement. Please be kind. I am well beyond stressed. I appreciate polite and gentle replies. Thanks.
line
I can relate on what you are going through, and I know that even though you have given a lot of information to provide an accurate picture of what the situation is; there is more to this that is not so cut and dry. There are more circumstances and concerns here that need to and will be addressed eventually or immediately by you both as they come to be. It sounds like he is a caring and giving person that is in a dilemma that you have also taken on as well. He is reluctant to just drop this person (and her relative) on her own as it is. Let's not confuse caring with some weakness though (this includes the hesitation to have that difficult conversation with this person).
Since you have taken on this situation, and you care as deeply for each other to make these life-changing plans; then you have taken on his situation as he has taken on anything that you are or will be dealing with. You are part of a team, and though he is supporting these persons, he also needs support from you. You might rightly expect that he would support you and any problems that would arise with an equally intensely loyal manner I'm sure, because I believe it to be of his nature. Look in your heart and think: would you say so as well?
It is all very complicated, and seems like any solution will end in someone getting hurt. Your Dom may be feeling like he is alone in taking care of these people and has taken on full responsibility. I'm not sure of the details, but sometimes one thing to do (and it may have already been looked into or discussed here) is to see what other resources are available to relieve the responsibility. Government aid programs for food, care, and rehabilitation (as well as some other specific needs) are usually available. Is there no other support systems that can be utilized in this situation: any of the friend's family or other friends that can assist? Is he the sole support system for these people?
One other thing to suggest, is the concept of this conversation (and multiple conversations) that needs to take place, is that He might would like to have a heart to heart about what is right and how she can in-turn help his (and your) situation of happiness as well. He has helped her for so long, does or can she only think of what is what is right for her? She could be selfish and self-centered, and therefor not much of a friend...or perhaps she could become a part of the solution instead of the focus of the problem. She is a major part of this situation after all, and even though she has a part-time job and is working on things (though not quick enough to settle the problem in order for you and he to be moving on with your situation), she can still see what is happening between you two...she can probably see what strain he is under as this goes on, and she can think and suggest what would be right for not only her, but for EVERYONE concerned...meaning He and you as well.
Your Dom is obviously struggling to make everyone happy and still take care of things. I know this all too well myself. I would suggest that you have shown patience and understanding, and you so want things to work out as scheduled and planned...Sometimes plans don't go as planned and end up getting adjusted on some level, or changed to suit the unexpected. I'm sure he is trying to do the best he can to make things right. If you choose not to stand by him, that is your decision. If you think that his love for you and the feelings he has for you is not strong enough to weather this commitment or promise he's made to himself more than he has to this friend of his, then yes you should move on...but then here is the dilemma: Now He loses his love, and you lose him. This isn't what either of you want. This is NOT what either of you want. What you want is a solution, and the ability for You and Him to have your future, and that this other person involved will be OK.
Is your relationship worth this investment of adjusting things to make it all work out (as long as things are moving progressively and everyone involved is moving forward toward a means of happiness and life)? You are part of a team as much as He is a part of one. You will face things together. Is He strong enough to make things work as well? Has he shown any signs of backing away from you and what he wants from you? He wants to find an answer as well. He wants this person to be self-sufficient or taken care of properly if needed, but he needs to step back a little. That is the hard part, to accept that he can't do this alone and that if this person isn't quite ready to be on her own, then there has to be someone else who can take over (friends, family, government, even media support can do wonders in some cases, charities, and organizations who live and exist to help).
"Get help Superman"...Something that some dominants (including this here one doing the writing now) needs to think about and act on sometimes. We all want to help and some want to sincerely save others sometimes at a personal cost...but we are not Superman. Superman wasn't alone either...he had Lois (and Jimmy...if you're into that sort of thing: not that there's anything wrong with it). But seriously, please consider where your Dom is at in this and try to put yourself into his situation. He WILL do the right thing, and he needs to be able to do this at a pace where it feeds his sense of what is just and right...or it will eat at him once it's over if not done proper.
You have your desires, wants and needs (as He does) and he isn't trying to ignore them, and you should not ignore yours or His either. Like I said, you are part of team. Two sides of the same coin...Caring is not weakness, Loyalty is not weakness...only weakness is weakness. It is all difficult. But I believe that if it exists in your hearts that you were meant to be together, then it will happen. Sometimes patience is one the hardest things to have, but sometimes the most rewarding. I see that your chosen nickname for this post is "love is not enough". I will not criticize this choice, but I would like to think (as corny as it may sound) that sometimes "Love is all you need" to make the bond strong.
When you are one together, then you can work together and overcome the rest. This is only one aspect of a broader and more complex situation. But I hope it helps to add light.
_____________________________
AKA: CNJDom (types in black) and roselaure (types in Red)
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss
|
RE: Handling Personal Affairs...Or Not - 
) 
Profile
New Messages
No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages
Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages
Locked w/o New Messages
Post New Thread