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How much does headspace/why they want something matter ... - 4/7/2010 6:30:41 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I was skimming through this thread, http://www.collarchat.com/fb.asp?m=3137281 and it seems to speak to a lot of the threads on what people want to do, what they desire, checklists, and so forth.
quote:

ORIGINAL: hardbodysub
Who cares why he or she does or doesn't like it? Like it, then do it; don't like it, then don't do it.


Personally, on both sides of the whip/kneel, I'm a lot more focused on my partner's reactions than I am to a specific activity. A lot of people approach compatibility based a lot on checklists, or what activities are listed in the interests within their profiles. I generally take it for granted that almost anything can be done in a way that I'll love or I'll hate. For me, the headspace a person is in makes a huge difference in my ability to enjoy play, and so I'm generally not compatible with people who are heavily focused on humiliation. If they are enjoying primarily because they feel I am humiliated by it, and I don't feel embarrassed or uncomfortable emotionally at all, it would feel like I was lying to let them think I felt that way, that I was cheating them out of the main thrill they wanted. On the flip side, if their main interest is in having me enjoy their humiliation, it just ain't happening. I am openminded about doing verbal humiliation, but more as pure roleplay or silliness or as an endearment.

So, anyway, I'm just curious how much it matters to you what headspace your partner is in, not just whether or not you can do the activity, or even whether or not they enjoy it.
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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/7/2010 6:33:33 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		Is it a relationship or play partners?

If it is the first I would say head space matters a great deal. We all have shit we gotta do. Life has a way of getting in the way.

If it is the second? Shut the fuck up and quit whining.

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"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/7/2010 6:37:55 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		Hmm, I'm curious about both, so I'm glad you brought up that point. I didn't mean whining, more knowing that what is going on in their head has nothing to do with reality as you're experiencing it. For example, I had to stop playing with a couple of people when I was doing casual play, because they went on about how submissive I was, when I didn't feel that way at all. It was very awkward.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/7/2010 6:39:56 PM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		I didn't mean you specificaly...:)

It just seems to matter to Me what My significant other might be thinking. Some bitch to beat is another matter entirely

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"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/7/2010 6:42:10 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		I'm a sick puppy.

I'm compatable with a sick puppy who gets off on having done what I like to do.

But the most fun puppies are the ones who have this love hate thing going with a lot of it. They will do it-but with a degree of suffering and discomfort over it that I enjoy.

But I know that they are submitting more to thier natures-than they are to me. I just enable.

Keeps a lot of the emotional clingyness and drama at bay-I like that.

_____________________________

I didn't get into an alternative lifestyle to explore new frontiers in conformity.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/7/2010 6:43:00 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline 		I think this was kind of where I was trying to go with a discussion last night with my partner.  There is a very slim distinction that can potentially be made in our preferred "roles" with each other.  When I say role it is not to denote some kind of roleplaying scene, but rather how we are inside our own mental space within the relationship.  One has more of a mental/emotional edge to it for me than the other and I think that would be true for him too and for a lot of people.

I didn't really get an answer.  I don't think he'd really thought about how he relates to me specifically based on that distinction before.  I probably caught him a little off guard.  LOL

In answer, yes, it can and does matter what his or my headspace is during play.  Just as an example, imagine the difference in something like say an ageplay dynamic based on whether the little was feeling 16 or 10 or 5 or less than a year old.  Imagine further if the little felt innocent and naive or naughty and used up or perhaps victimized and abused.  These things matter.  It matters on the other side too.  An example might be sadism.  Does he do these things because he likes to hurt me or maybe because he likes for me to suffer for him or because he likes the pleasure it brings me?  Those can be totally different mindsets and can really alter play and even the kind of partner that will best suit his needs.  Those are just examples.  Still, all in all, it can be important to know where your partner's mind is regardless of what the dynamic is or the kinds of questions that entails.  If nothing else, it opens up one person to the other and allows both to understand and enjoy each other more fully. 

lovingpet

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If you put your head into more, you'd have to put your back into less. ~Me

10 Fluffy pts.


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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/7/2010 6:45:21 PM   
OrpheusAgonistes


Posts: 253
Joined: 3/29/2010
Status: offline 		Good question.  For me, the headspace my partner is in matters far more than whatever it is she happens to be doing to me.  It really isn't even close.

It's kind of difficult to articulate why--it's probably a coefficient of my own vanity.  It's important that my partner 1) enjoy suffering and 2) take (for some reason) some particular delight in my suffering vs seeing someone else suffer.  This doesn't mean I'm possessive, it just means that there needs to be something about me that makes her go "Now there's a guy I'd like to see in some form of physical or psychological agony."

I'm also big on my partner feeling a certain amount of amusement, partly because to me that naturally goes along with enjoying watching a predicament and partly because I just find something really tedious and gruesome about seriousness and earnestness.


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What I cannot create, I do not understand.--Feynman

Every sentence I have written here is the product of some disease.-- Wittgenstein

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/7/2010 6:49:20 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		lovingpet, that's a really good point, especially about how sadism and domination come together within a relationship. My previous Dominant wanted me to enjoy more specifically his *control* over me, but it wasn't a dealbreaker for him that I had more of a combination of masochism (enjoying the actual sensations) and enjoying his pleasure (whether from my discomfort or other things). I did enjoy his control over me, but more in an emotional/feeling lost in him/yielded to him kind of way, rather than directly being aroused by it.

Orpheus, I agree that I want my partners to be focused on their pleasure in interacting with *me* in particular, rather than feeling like an interchangeable part. I turned down a lot of people for that attitude, when I was looking. Being playful or finding amusing aspects of play is definitely a GoodThing[tm].

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 4/7/2010 6:52:16 PM >

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/8/2010 8:46:46 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		If I'm tolerating it for him, then he doesn't get very turned on. He needs the reaction out of me, he feeds off my energy. If I'm disengaged and going through the motions for him, then there isn't any energy for him to feed off of.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/8/2010 9:11:01 AM   
LadyHibiscus


Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
Status: offline 		I'm not a checklist kind of gal, except for the biggies like medical issues, and utter incompatibility. (ie: toilet play, Do Not Like). After that, I am in for the party when it comes to playtime. MOST of the time I want my playmates to be having fun too, though if it's a night where caning is important to me, then caning is is, dagnabbit!

I am not really fond of those who "endure" because I want them to, and are just patiently waiting for me to stop. Like Celeste says, that doesn't give me anything to feed off of except their annoyance. If a scene is really deterioriating because of that, I will stop. I really don't need the practice, and sweeping up after a peevish partner is not so fun.

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[page 23 girl]



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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/8/2010 10:31:12 AM   
afkarr


Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline 		To take Jeffs idea and run- somebody beating may ass may result in some temporary Ok thrill, but somebody I happen to 1.) like 2.)feel comfortable with 3.) actually want to be in a submissive relationship with results in a thrill that oh so much better.

Same action, different headspace.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/8/2010 11:02:51 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		Honestly, for me, and anyone i speak with as a potential Owner, it is simply that we're both being completely genuine and "in the moment."

There's no faking anything, so if i don't feel humiliated by something, i don't try to pretend that i am - and it is most likely that if he wanted to see me humiliated that he would move on to something else that might actually humiliate me for real. And honestly, in my dynamic, there's a certain amount of him not really caring how i'm feeling or reacting to his actions - it's about him getting what he wants, no matter what my response or thoughts about it.

And the same thing for me with him - the only thing i want to know about his headspace is that he is enjoying himself as absolutely as possible, and in the way that he most wants and needs at that moment. Of course, that comes from my whole "need to please." Beyond that, knowing what he's thinking exactly isn't really necessary - unless he wants to share it with me.

And sometimes i might ask him about his headspace, simply out of curiousity and it heightens my experience to hear how much he's enjoying himself with me. But again, it isn't a "must have" - i'm naturally a very empathic person and tend to say a lot with my actions alone, and hear a lot that is spoken without words.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/8/2010 9:22:27 PM   
LPslittleclip


Posts: 1163
Joined: 9/29/2007
Status: offline 		there are times that a maintince beating is needed for E/either of U/us to get back to normal, but otherwise it is very importaint to be in unison in the momet to achive the best results. fom me in O/our relation ship my Mistres is the most importaint thing to me and Her happines is paramount over my wants i am a service oriented slave so this works for U/us.

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proud to serve the awsome
LadyPact

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/8/2010 9:23:58 PM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline
quote:

I'm a lot more focused on my partner's reactions than I am to a specific activity


That is one of my core beliefs in wiitwd.

- LA

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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/9/2010 8:10:44 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		LH, I didn't mean enjoying it vs. tolerating it per se, more the specifics of *why* they're enjoying it, and details of their headspace. For example, you mentioned that obedience is one of your primary kinks. If you were playing with someone casually, and he was obeying you, but was coming at it primarily from a headspace of feeling erotically humiliated and embarrassed by what he was doing, would that make *you* feel differently than if he were physically enjoying the sensations, so obeying you was no big deal, compared to a third person who was primarily focused on your control no matter what you were doing to him?

UniqueRaven, since you aren't owned yet, if you wind up talking with someone who is a good fit but who feels that a couple of specific activities "should" humiliate you/the person who he is doing them to, and gets off on that idea, would you drop him as a possibility even if he were otherwise a good match? What if the emotions you're feeling *are* a huge part of the pleasure he gets from doing them, both positive ones like orgasms and contentment and love, and negative ones like fear or anger or pushing you to the edge of defiance or rebellion, yet not quite over? Where the activities are less important than how you react, physically or emotionally?

Sorry, the coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I don't think I'm explaining it very well.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/9/2010 8:19:34 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

UniqueRaven, since you aren't owned yet, if you wind up talking with someone who is a good fit but who feels that a couple of specific activities "should" humiliate you/the person who he is doing them to, and gets off on that idea, would you drop him as a possibility even if he were otherwise a good match? What if the emotions you're feeling *are* a huge part of the pleasure he gets from doing them, both positive ones like orgasms and contentment and love, and negative ones like fear or anger or pushing you to the edge of defiance or rebellion, yet not quite over? Where the activities are less important than how you react, physically or emotionally?

Sorry, the coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I don't think I'm explaining it very well.


i think i understand.

i do my best to be honest about things when speaking with a prospective Owner. For example, "puppy play" does nothing for me humiliation wise - eating out a dog bowl and all that is simply roleplay for me, i have no particular feelings about it. Some women find it extremely humiliating to do those things. So when a potential Owner tells me that he wants to do "puppy play" with me, i'm honest with him about my responses, so that that he can make the evaluation of if i'm the slave for him - not me making the decision.

i liken the way i talk with potential Owners to be like a job interview - i'm presenting my skills, talents, abilities, and strengths and weaknesses as my "value package" of being a slave - and then it's up to him to decide if he wants to engage with me for the position of his slave or not. i'm actively involved too of course, and making my own evaluations as well, but for the most part he just leads the way, as it should be.

As far as if he's someone that gets his pleasure from my emotions, well, most Owners are like that actually, and i'm fully aware that if that's what he wants from me, he will find a way to get it, one way or another - whether they are emotions like contentment and love, or fear and anger and pushing me to the edge. That's all part of the fun really. But whatever my response is, it is genuine - and his response is as well. So if i'm not being humiliated, i'm not going to "fake it" for him - nor would he want me to. And again, for me, all i want to know is that he is getting the maximum enjoyment and pleasure possible from his interactions with me - and that includes emotions like contentment and love, not just the physical. That's what matters the most to me, as that is my purpose - his pleasure.

i hope this makes sense.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/9/2010 8:22:58 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		It makes a lot of sense, and that's the kind of thing I discussed extensively with my Master as well. I do feel that it's important to be honest about my emotions and motivations, *especially* when I'm in a relationship with the person, or exploring the possibility!

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/9/2010 8:24:38 AM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		The main reason I gave up on "usual D/s" was the totally enablement and romantic fantasy it is to most women.

If you are looking for someone to be close to you in all areas of life-thier skills and positive and negative aspects are VERY important to consider.

Not surpisingly-the fantasy females get turned off by the "job interview" approach. Probably because they have a deep and abiding desire to avoid anything resembling work or effort. They simply want to be petted and doted upon-rather than really giving thier all.

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I didn't get into an alternative lifestyle to explore new frontiers in conformity.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/9/2010 8:57:48 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		It's not just about her headspace. It's not just about mine. It's about the interplay and reactions in between.


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HST

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/9/2010 9:08:17 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		ive always needed to feel that my partner was enjoying himself ~ my service orientated headspace has always found the concept of having something done for me because i want/need it whilst not necessarily what they want or need at the time an impossible concept.  i just wouldnt have enjoyed myself anything like as much knowing that it was being done for me.

but recently ive realised that i really need something, its partly an old fantasy ive had and partly a need to get reduced down to my most basic components.  so the whole set up is going to be designed and set up for me, by Him.  all that i have done is tell him where id like it to happen and what i need.  this is totally new for me ive never been this proactive about what i need.

but still His headspace is important to me and for the first time i shall be submitting to something i have asked for ~ but He finds that highly erotic ~ that i have identified with this need and i have asked Him to fulfill it for me.  so His headspace is fully on board ~ i couldnt go through with it otherwise.

in previous relationships just being 'there' as a focal point to their dominance and sadism, experimentalism and whimsy has been fine.  some of it ive loved some of it ive loathed and ive always submitted because to do otherwise would mess with their headspace and mine too as their sub.  it mattered to me because it was what they wanted and it was their headspace that got me through it too at times.  any ambivilance at all and id find submission to BDSM pointless and unrewarding.

in the end its to Him im submitting, even if its my idea and my need ~ but He has to want to do it too and His proactive headspace is paramount to me or it would just feel wrong.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 4/9/2010 9:12:54 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

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