RE: How much does headspace/why they want something matter to you?

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/9/2010 9:37:32 AM

jbcurious

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For me it's almost everything...it's what, for lack of a better term, gets me off. I don't really enjoy anything unless I know the other person is really into it.

Example: I hate gratuitous oral...if you're not getting off on doing it... then get out.

It's also why I hate being asked what I like...I like whatever he loves doing or having done.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/9/2010 9:49:26 AM

UniqueRaven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

It's also why I hate being asked what I like...I like whatever he loves doing or having done.

Yes. Years ago when i dated "vanilla" and a man would ask me to "tell him what i want him to do to me" i used to look at him sideways like he had a fish on his head.

For a long time i thought something was wrong with me - but i'm all better now.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/9/2010 9:55:24 AM

jbcurious

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I love that..."I'm all better now"

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/9/2010 10:07:38 AM

LadyPact

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I've read the original a few times now and I think I'm misunderstanding. I keep getting stuck on My own concept of the premise, which I get the feeling isn't what the OP meant at all.

Not all activities that I consider BDSM are for one specific reaction or type of head space. I don't always want the same feelings inspired in him. Yes, for the most part, there's a lot of positive in our play, but I also get a taste for the darker stuff from time to time. I like him to experience fear or humiliation once in a while. I don't have special activities that we only do when that is where I want to take him. I think that's why I'm confused on the original. The mechanics of what I'm doing to him might be the same, but other things factored in, such as what I'm saying or other elements of the scene, are what I'm using to get My desired result.

So, I'm a little lost on the premise, but I certainly enjoyed the thread.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/9/2010 10:10:25 AM

jbcurious

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This thread has just made me realize and put into words the predominant fear that I've had since making the decision to pursue this life.

I'm quite sure that I can be lead almost anywhere if it's approached in the right manner...it's my headspace afterwards that concerns me. So a Dom that is concerned with my headspace after leading me outside of my comfort zone...is really important to me.

I've been trying to put that into words for weeks.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/9/2010 5:33:20 PM

beej

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quote:

So, anyway, I'm just curious how much it matters to you what headspace your partner is in, not just whether or not you can do the activity, or even whether or not they enjoy it.

to me, head space is the difference between getting a reaction out of your sub and getting a response. hit a sub hard enough or frequently enough, and they'll flinch or writhe in ecstasy or whatever. but you could easily be engaging their surface pleasures and not touching their roots. maybe that only matters in certain circumstances (a relationship or lengthy affair of the heart versus a scene or a play date maybe). but then again, if you really want to be the dominant and not just play that role/fill those shoes, it seems to me that controlling your sub's head space, or at least having an effect on it, is where the real power is.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/10/2010 6:47:40 AM

DesFIP

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Beej, every single time? What happened to just having fun? Play can be just that, fun for both. Doesn't mean he's not in charge, but he doesn't always have to be. He has the right to decide he's going to make me cry but he usually doesn't.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/10/2010 7:34:47 AM

UniqueRaven

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quote:

ORIGINAL: beej
to me, head space is the difference between getting a reaction out of your sub and getting a response. hit a sub hard enough or frequently enough, and they'll flinch or writhe in ecstasy or whatever. but you could easily be engaging their surface pleasures and not touching their roots. maybe that only matters in certain circumstances (a relationship or lengthy affair of the heart versus a scene or a play date maybe). but then again, if you really want to be the dominant and not just play that role/fill those shoes, it seems to me that controlling your sub's head space, or at least having an effect on it, is where the real power is.

A sub expecting a Dom to control her headspace is a dangerous thing. She controls her own headspace - in response to his Dominance.

Expecting that feeling from him builds a failure point into a relationship. What happens if she has feelings at times that he is no longer controlling her headspace? Is he no longer Dominant? Or has she just evolved in her submission?

i see each party in a D/s relationship as responsible for his/her own headspace, and what happens there as a result of interaction with their partner. When a Dom's behavior does affect his submissive's headspace, it's yummy, but it isn't controlling it, and it isn't where the power is.

< Message edited by UniqueRaven -- 4/10/2010 7:35:04 AM >

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/10/2010 8:57:27 AM

beej

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quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP
Beej, every single time? What happened to just having fun? Play can be just that, fun for both. Doesn't mean he's not in charge, but he doesn't always have to be. He has the right to decide he's going to make me cry but he usually doesn't.

lol, does it have to be crying? i just want to see in his eyes that he's connecting how he feels with the fact that i gave it to him. it need not be intense but just significant.

along those lines, UniqueRaven, that's what i meant by control: acting from the intention to affect how a sub feels or how they think about what's happening to him/er. not in the sense of dictating how a sub should feel but rather in the sense of underlining parts of the experience that are pertinent to the relationship. in a sub's head space, there are so many things going on. from among those emotions and responses, a dominant has to pull the reins on some and encourage others in order for the relationship to go forward according to the dominant's vision. if the sub wished to self-select according to their own vision of what was important, why would he or she desire a master?

for example, one of my men has a serious foot fetish. it's one of his hot buttons. i could easily play the dominant in a foot worship scene with him by sitting there and letting the boy get on the floor and go to town. but in his head space, he wouldn't be thinking much about me at all, and very little about that play would be reinforcing our relationship. if with a bit of talk or adding an additional element of play to his worship, i can connect him to the reasons why i wield the strong hand between us and why he is satisfied to let me wield it, then suddenly a playful moment is something more, something that nurtures our bond. again to DesFIP, it doesn't have to be intense but rather just significant.

where the dominant makes such a choice to affect the sub's head space, i think both control and power are present but again not in the sense of dictatorship. to me, it's like i'm driving a muscle car with my sub as a passenger. he can let down the window and enjoy the ride all he likes; perhaps that's even his due for giving me the upper hand. in turn, i'm supposed to provide him with a good ride in a purposeful direction though it may seem to him that he is only enjoying a smooth ride, appealing scenery, and good weather. i think i would be failing him if i didn't keep control over the vehicle and constantly monitor where we were going.

< Message edited by beej -- 4/10/2010 9:03:36 AM >

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/10/2010 9:05:09 AM

UniqueRaven

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There is a big difference between affecting a sub's headspace and controlling it.

i'm going to share one of my favorite quotes here (Des, you've seen this before):

"The most dedicated and enduring submissives and slaves are the ones who approach their submission as a healthy furthering of their own self-exploration and personal development, and who remain in touch with, aware of, and maintain responsibility for their own mind-space and the thoughts that happen there (including any choices made that are based on those thoughts)."

i will contend that in both your "foot fetish" and "car" analogies that you are directing and affecting your sub's headspace, but you aren't controlling it. However i'm not a Domme, and Domme/malesub dynamics are different in some regards so i think someone like LadyPact would be better able to comment on what you're doing there.

i will contend though, that as a sub, expecting your Dom to control your headspace as a sign of his/her Dominance is just setting things up for failure at some point. He/she is human, after all, as well as the sub - and what goes on in the sub's headspace is ultimately his/her responsibility.

This may be moving into a different thread - if it generates serious discussion i'd be happy to contribute to a new thread, if someone would like to start one.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/10/2010 9:45:27 AM

beej

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quote:

ORIGINAL: UniqueRaven
This may be moving into a different thread - if it generates serious discussion i'd be happy to contribute to a new thread, if someone would like to start one.

ooh, i'll start it! should be a good one.

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RE: How much does headspace/why they want something mat... - 4/10/2010 1:38:00 PM

DesFIP

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quote:

ORIGINAL: beej

lol, does it have to be crying? i just want to see in his eyes that he's connecting how he feels with the fact that i gave it to him. it need not be intense but just significant.

My point is that although it can be significant, he doesn't have this as a desire every single time. Sometimes it's just for fun. And personally I need that it isn't significant and important always, I don't want it to be that powerful always. That's asking a lot out of me and I'm not always up to it.

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