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Andalusite -> RE: One foot out of the door. (4/11/2010 2:49:11 PM)
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quote:
ORIGINAL: kyraofMists
I can't count the number of people who have said that they would perceive what my Lord expects of me as intimidating or a threat and that they would be insecure within the relationship as a result.
I'm one of the people who has said that I wouldn't be comfortable with that. That's why I tried hard, when I was looking, to screen for it and make sure I didn't wind up with someone who had that approach. [:D] I agree it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your Master, or your relationship, and I admire all three of you. It just wouldn't be a good fit for *me*, just as an online-only relationship, or one which started out for months online, wouldn't be workable. I think a big part of the apparent conflict is person A says, "X won't work for me for these emotional reasons" and person B takes it to mean "so you should feel this way emotionally about it too, and refuse to be in a relationship involving X." I don't think that is what is intended by person A, but I can understand how people on both sides can get a little defensive and emotional about their needs and desires.
KOM, I don't see any reason to assume that people who don't want the same things you do are automatically seeking mediocrity. Being self-aware and trying to find a good fit for who we are, our goals, and so forth is a *good* thing.
Jeff (leadership), when I was looking, I *wouldn't* have had a problem with someone who defined a M/s relationship as lasting only as long as there was no deliberate disobedience. You've made it very clear that Carol matters more to you than the specific dynamic does, you just "call it like it is," and feel that is the boundary of what you consider to be M/s in your interactions. Nothing wrong with that at all!
When I was looking, I didn't advertise myself as a slave, and I wasn't specifically looking for this dynamic. My Master was open to either D/s or M/s, and we discussed extensively what *he* considered to be the difference between the two. I felt that I was able to commit to following the guidelines he had for a slave. If I hadn't been able to, we either would have decided to keep it to D/s, or possibly even an egalitarian kinky top/bottom relationship, or decided that we weren't a good match for each other after all. His expectations of a slave aren't precisely the same as yours, or LP's, or KOM's, and the three of you probably have some variation in your expectations as well. [:D]
I do trust him, even when we're doing an activity that scares me. When he has wanted something on the list of things that I told him up front I had/expected difficulties with, he didn't just order me to do them, and have me force myself to do them or try to wrench my headspace around. Instead, we brainstormed together, came up with baby steps to work toward them, he expressed support and pleasure with me for the efforts I made, even if I had some physical or emotional struggle that made me fall short at first, and only made it an *order* I had to obey once we'd worked through those preliminaries. In doing so, he built a *LOT* more trust than we had in the beginning of the relationship, and now, if he did give me an order to do one of those things that are scary, I need less build up to it, and am much more likely to be able to "just do it" without distress. If he'd set up one of those things as a "do it or I'll dump you" in the first few weeks I was his slave, we probably would have broken up at that point, and I would have felt that I'd misjudged our compatibility and his trustworthiness in the first place.
LP, I'm really glad things are going well for you, Clip, and your respective spouses. I don't think I would be able to handle/be comfortable in that type of poly relationship. My submissive playpartner and I specifically have chosen not to pursue a formal D/s or M/s dynamic, because I don't feel she is free to offer me that authority with the responsibilities she has. If my Master and I were to get involved in a formal D/s or M/s dynamic with someone else, we would want it to be within the context of a romantic relationship that extended in vanilla aspects as well. I would be fine with a lot of different variants - she might be submissive only to one of us, or to both of us, or might even switch with me and be vanilla with my Master, or whatever worked out for all three of us. I personally wouldn't break up with someone over a shift in dynamics, or try to build a relationship with someone who told me up front that they would do so. I have no desire whatsoever to try to dictate to you what you should have in your relationships! I think it's really interesting to see the huge *variety* of successful possibilities in various relationships.
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