Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (Full Version)

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion



Message

alwaysthere -> Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 3:16:26 PM)

Hey, thought I join the forum, just to see if I could get some answers to some questions that I have.  Please no flames to anything I say.  You can always send me a private message.  [:D]

Anyhow, I put in the title a good BDSM relationship.  As in both parties getting exactly what they are looking for.  Not just any old one nite stand encounter or you both say the same things online/on the phone and are together because nothing better comes along.

Ok, not sure if I am explaining this right.  So maybe the question is better stated as, why is it much harder to get the Dom/sub you desire, than to get someone with the maybe physical/mental attributes that say a vanilla other half has?

For example, I travel regularly.  Currently I am in Latin America and the scene here is pretty much non-existant.  However, the shortage of beauitful size 0, 1, 2 girls is pretty much not.  Contrast that to America, where the scene is in full swing.  But the difference was getting a vanilla relationship was infinently easier (maybe because my accent helps), than trying to set up a BDSM one.

So what gives?  I am trying to put the arguments in perspective, to give those who read this thread a view of my theorising.

- It cant be that there are many dominants and not that many submissives? 
+ As when it comes to the vanilla world, there is just as much competition?

- Can it be that perphaps the desires of what the dominants want to do to the submissives and what the submissives will take, just arent compatible and thus arent a good match?
+ I guess with the vanilla world, you could maybe align it to different opinions to politics, travel, food, maybe? 

- Could it be that the submissive, gets so many messages (alot just old copy and paste) and its hard to find the genuine replies? 
+ However, isnt it the same in the vanilla world, many different guys ask out the girl, as in school, work, on the street, bars, clubs and well she is in the position to choose?

Or could it just be, at the end of the day.  Its down to the individual who is being courted?  Could they just be down right picky and waiting for something specific?

I guess Im answering this question, as its just bugging me abit, that I can get a beautiful girl in the vanilla world, but to get the right girl who matches my needs in BDSM is quite difficult.  Im just trying to reason why this is.

I guess maybe its because I live in the UK.  Maybe if I lived in the US, it would be easier? 

Opinions and suggestions would definately be appricated!



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 3:23:18 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: alwaysthere
I guess Im answering this question, as its just bugging me abit, that I can get a beautiful girl in the vanilla world, but to get the right girl who matches my needs in BDSM is quite difficult.  Im just trying to reason why this is.

I guess maybe its because I live in the UK.  Maybe if I lived in the US, it would be easier? 

Opinions and suggestions would definately be appricated!

I'm really NOT sure what you are asking.  Are you asking "Why can I get a hot nilla chick but it's so hard to find a hot kinky chick?"

First off, go to a Bondage Convention.  Bondage models are almost always hot and into light kink.  Of course- they can probably get guys hotter and more successful than you are which puts you at a disadvantage.

Secondly, americans are fatter in general than other nationalities. 

Thirdly, women who can get what they want in mainstream culture don't need to go to a subculture, aren't spending lots of time on kinky sites, aren't finding guys online in the kink scene.  It's the ones who aren't finding success in the mainstream that come here.

Finally, there are hot chicks in the kinky scene.  But they are very sought after and competitive.  Good luck.

If you're determined to be with a hot kinky chick, just be yourself and don't settle.  You'll need to be patient, but if you have enough to offer and have some good luck and timing, you'll find it.

And don't whine about it being hard.



slavejali -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 3:26:52 PM)

Probably its because the majority of people orientate themselves with vanilla living, a BDSM relationship is a minority orientation, there are simply fewer people involved.....no matter how vast it seems online..out there in the big wide world..people really participating in, or who are really willing to participate in BDSM relationships are few and far between.



BitaTruble -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 3:30:29 PM)

You are very explicit on your profile. Your pool is much smaller than a vanilla pool to begin with and when you add in the very narrow parameters of your profile, those who match those parameters will be few and far between.

Good luck.

Celeste



MistressStchWich -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 3:55:17 PM)

I don't have an answer for you; but I have found the same thing to be true from my side of the fence...I have invested so much time into developing a rapport with candidates only to get to the point where I am ready to arrange a meeting, they decide I am not dominant enough or whatever goofy thing they can invent to get out of it...And yes, it is much more difficult to find a lifestyle counterpart than a vanilla one.
From where I sit, there are scads more subs than Doms and so I get inundated with emails; but as the quote states, "Many are called, few are chosen." That is true of any private relationship and from the subs and the Doms equally...we are all fortunate to live in a world where we can choose if, who, when, where, why, and how in regard to every part of our lives.
The purpose of posting a public profile is to have others choose to contact you.

All I can say is hang in there and keep plugging away. It will happen. If you are open to possibilities and free with your honesty, you'll find who you seek. Guaranteed.



Dollbecky -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 4:41:04 PM)

Firstly I think having a good vanill relationship of any real depth is just as hard as having a good BDSM relationship, thats just me .
Your profile reads like someone seeking the kind of girl who could have a major caeeer in porn......why would she want you? What can you offer?
And  even if you could find lil Miss fantasy...what would you do when she hits 23...kick her out ?  You dont come across as a LTR , Miss Fantasy(being sweet funny and uber hot)  could find someone who can offer better ...deeper than you. It might  be easier for you to go pro and pay someone to act out  your games/fantasies
This may sound harsh but iI cant see you getting what you want.




SirKenin -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 5:01:18 PM)

The only thing that will make your life easier is walking on the set of Seymour Butts and asking for a part in the movie.



Sensualips -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 5:23:11 PM)

Hmm, I am not sure why you are having trouble.  I know of at least four 100 lb 20 year old bisexual chicks in my area.  All of them are ready to move to another country for the right Dom and spend their days watching porn, having things shoved into their ass, and wallowing in urine while not being permitted to cum.  Only three of them are friendly with a good sense of humor though - the fourth is a real bitch.

Still it is really weird you have not been able to find one.  Let me ask you this...are you wealthy?



SpankMuhButt -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 5:31:47 PM)

LMAO .......Sensualips you just made me spit water EVERYWHERE



fergus -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 5:59:38 PM)

Why is it harder?

1) you are drawing from a smaller pool of people
2) People tend to go into these relationships with MORE expectations on how the other person should act.

fergus



MowerMan -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 6:04:52 PM)

Hey Fella !!!   1st... get one of those hand held mirrors, you know, the type you see in beauty palors, about 12 inces in diamater or so.... place it on the floor... get naked.... squat over it... and say to self... " WOW!!! still a perfect ass**** !!!  ... Now that you have performed a humility check... start another thread and ask the gals what they look for in a profile and listen to them!!!   @nd the only hard and fast rule is to never , NEVER lie! .... don't even twist or omit, just be yourself
Best of luck , Be Safe and Be Well...
mowerman



KatyLied -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 6:08:50 PM)

quote:

- My girl to be rough to the other girl, choke her and make the other girl submit to her.


I didn't get beyond this in the profile.  You have very, very narrow qualifiers regarding what you are looking for, and the entire 100-100lbs thing is also going to make it very tough going for you.  Good luck. 



CAROLF -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 6:10:45 PM)

Sensualips, that was freakin awesome lol. 



alwaysthere -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 7:28:11 PM)

Well, back from reality and I just had to laugh at some of the replies here.  I think its safe to say, that when you read something, its best to read it again and make sure you understand the context that its being said.

In hindsight, I should have made the thread a question, although it would have probably been misconstrude.  As in, do you think its harder to get what you want in a bdsm relationship, than a vanilla one.

Anyway the cats out of the bag and I'll just have to deal with the replies.

Still MistressStchWich was the only one who hit the nail on the head.  I guess everyone else just missed the point in my profile..  "Heres a list of things that I just love to do." - It doesnt exactly say, here are the things that the right candidate needs to have inorder to quality.

The next point I want to make and I am sure people will take me out of context, is where I said the bdsm girl needed to be hot.  Its not in the post above nor is it in my profile.  What is in my profile, is more about personality than looks.



starymists -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 7:39:07 PM)

I think in some respects, it is more difficult to find what you are looking for in a BDSM relationship than another one for a lot of different reasons. Number one, being in BDSM doesn't take away from all the vanilla aspects of a realtionship that must be compatible. For instance, do you care whether or not you go to church and which church you go to? What is your political orientation? What do you like to do in your spare time? Do you want to get married? Have children? How do you show affection? How do you communicate? How intense of a relationship do you want to have? These are just some of the things that come up when looking for a vanilla relationship. Then you add activities enjoyed, level of Dominance and submission, the limited ways you can meet another in the lifestyle, and yes, it is going to take a time investment to find what you are looking for.
 
Just my opinion, but I also tend to think that the requirements of a BDSM relationship tend to be higher than in a vanilla relationship. You can't get away with not communicating in an open and honest way with the person that you choose to be involved with. If you are a Dominant, you should be in control of yourself, you should to be consistent, you should be willing to lead by example, and those are just some of the requirements. You then add that you are unlikely to meet someone that is interested in BDSM in the 'regular' spots such as the bar, the grocery store, church, social events, etc. It requires time online, or going to munches, lifestyle events...the time factor is certainly much higher. Then again, just like in the vanilla world, if you are willing to compromise on what you are looking for, you might get there faster...one never knows :)



Takethiswaltz -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 10:02:23 PM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

Still it is really weird you have not been able to find one.  Let me ask you this...are you wealthy?

 
LMAO!  [:D]



ServiceNTucson -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/3/2006 11:27:23 PM)

I'd say for two reasons which are kind of interconnected.  Number one is because those of us who do WIIWD are heavily outnumbered by the 'nillas.  There's a lot more of them so there are more of them to choose from.  Number two is that BDSM covers so many different types of actions and desires.  Just because we're all BDSM people doesn't mean we all like the same things.  In fact, just the opposite, I'm sure there are people on collarme who have every item on my "Lives for" list on their "Hard Limits" lists.  Vanilla sex is vanilla sex is vanilla sex.  Not much variety available.  Where as BDSM is a huge spectrum.
 
Harry



cutiethebomb -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/4/2006 12:02:17 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Sensualips

Hmm, I am not sure why you are having trouble.  I know of at least four 100 lb 20 year old bisexual chicks in my area.  All of them are ready to move to another country for the right Dom and spend their days watching porn, having things shoved into their ass, and wallowing in urine while not being permitted to cum.  Only three of them are friendly with a good sense of humor though - the fourth is a real bitch.

Still it is really weird you have not been able to find one.  Let me ask you this...are you wealthy?


Sensualips... Oh my... I <3 Thee!!!   

(I didn't have to say it, but I couldn't not!!)



BitaTruble -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/4/2006 12:16:22 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: alwaysthere

Well, back from reality and I just had to laugh at some of the replies here.  I think its safe to say, that when you read something, its best to read it again and make sure you understand the context that its being said.



Well, if so many of us misread your profile, maybe it's not clear enough. For me, I don't bother reading profiles over and over again until I 'think' I understand them. If I see incompatible first time through.. I move on. I'd venture to say lots of other people do as well.

Just a thought.

Celeste



SirKenin -> RE: Why is getting a good BDSM relationship harder than a Vanilla one? (4/4/2006 10:33:10 AM)

Celeste said what I was going to say.  There is a lot to be said for clarity.



Page: [1] 2   next >   >>

Valid CSS!




Collarchat.com © 2025
Terms of Service Privacy Policy Spam Policy
0.046875