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Practicalities and experiences with online relationships. - 4/9/2010 7:38:59 AM

NorthNewbie

Posts: 24
Joined: 4/8/2010
Status: offline

Hello. Let me preface this by pointing to my profile and nick. I'm a newbie to this community, and in fact any community when it comes to this lifestyle. There's also the bit where I point out that the chances of finding someone to enjoy real life with anywhere near are astronomical at best. After having a few chats with Ds in a couple of chatrooms, and some s's for that matter, I've concluded that an online relationship would be my only possibility for quite some time.

However, there's some things I ponder and wonder about when it comes to such a relationship, and I was hoping some submissives/slaves with experience on the matter could enlighten me. Dom/Domme's too for that matter, of course, but mainly from the submissive's perspective.

Practicality:

How does it work, practically? Being dominated properly over a webcam/chat strikes me as difficult. What are your experiences with this, and how would it work? Can a proper D/s relationship function properly online, without suffering from the lack of direct intervention/interaction between the two? Some experiences and advice on this would be very helpful, as it'd help me in pulling my share of the load.

Experiences in general:

Is it feasible? Can an online relationship truly form a close bond between the two? This is a concern for me, since I wish to explore this side of me thoroughly as a lifestyle, not just as some kinky fantasy. Would the bond properly survive the act of shutting down the computer for the day, or would it simply be too... false. A fantasy and illusion rather than a proper relationship and bond? I'm ranting here, but I do that when I'm this green on a subject I'm curious about. Any experiences and again, advice would be greatly appreciated.

In fact, I'm after anything the CM community can offer when it comes to knowledge, advice and experiences with Online Relationships. Anything and everything that could help me not only attain one, but properly maintain it and 'do my part' would be of great help.

Thank you in advance.
- North

Post #: 1

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 7:43:25 AM

Smutmonger

Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline

I never take anything too seriously that isn't in the flesh world.

Online is like WOW addticts to me-lots of wasted time.

_____________________________

I didn't get into an alternative lifestyle to explore new frontiers in conformity.

(in reply to NorthNewbie)

Post #: 2

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 7:44:43 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

I never take anything too seriously that isn't in the flesh world.

Online is like WOW addticts to me-lots of wasted time.

This reflects my opinion exactly.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to Smutmonger)

Post #: 3

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 7:47:23 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

For me... the idea of an online relationship does nothing. I know that where I live is going to make it incredibly difficult to meet someone... but I´d rather wait for the real thing, then settle for something that would have no real meaning to me.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to NorthNewbie)

Post #: 4

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 8:06:42 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthNewbie
How does it work, practically? Being dominated properly over a webcam/chat strikes me as difficult. What are your experiences with this, and how would it work? Can a proper D/s relationship function properly online, without suffering from the lack of direct intervention/interaction between the two? Some experiences and advice on this would be very helpful, as it'd help me in pulling my share of the load.

I've done a fair amount of this on and off as well as have a real life D/s relationship with my wife. The answer is simply that the emotional part is there. The physical part is not. In my experience, people tend to over-commit their trust in online relationships because they stretch to be "real" and then they get hurt. Online relationships typically don't last but they can be fulfilling to a degree.

Is it feasible?
Yes, look into Second Life

Can an online relationship truly form a close bond between the two? This is a concern for me, since I wish to explore this side of me thoroughly as a lifestyle, not just as some kinky fantasy. Would the bond properly survive the act of shutting down the computer for the day, or would it simply be too... false. A fantasy and illusion rather than a proper relationship and bond? I'm ranting here, but I do that when I'm this green on a subject I'm curious about. Any experiences and again, advice would be greatly appreciated.
Yes it can be "real". As I noted above, the emotional elements carry quite nicely over the wire. People end up getting hurt and crying and there's a woman I know right now who ended up in the hospital over a breakup. So yeah, you'd have to call that real -- albeit a bit unbalanced in that last case. But what you need to know is that even at it's best and even when you are considering solely the emotional elements, it is a pale shadow of the real thing. The online slave I have is a real relationship and we really care about each other a great deal. We interact as two people talking on the phone, not two people acting out an online fantasy. It is, I think, about as good as it gets online. That being said, it is maybe 5% of the M/s relationship I share with my wife.

I hope that helps.

< Message edited by leadership527 -- 4/9/2010 8:07:11 AM >

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to NorthNewbie)

Post #: 5

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 8:07:45 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

For me... the idea of an online relationship does nothing. I know that where I live is going to make it incredibly difficult to meet someone... but I´d rather wait for the real thing, then settle for something that would have no real meaning to me.

This also reflects my feelings. I do not neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed someone. And I have far better things to do in my free time that sit on my butt in front of a computer. Or talking on a phone.

My time here is different.......I can be online at my desk at work when things are slow, which is a lot. I don't need to give it my full attention. I can close a window without explanation if something comes up.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to jbcurious)

Post #: 6

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 8:21:43 AM

OrpheusAgonistes

Posts: 253
Joined: 3/29/2010
Status: offline

I can't get too jazzed by simulacra and shadow puppets. If I've interacted with somebody physically and have some kind of emotional bond with them already, then...actually even then the one or two times anything interesting has happened involving long distance play it was just a combination of an unusually volatile chemistry and a fluky convergence of moods.

I definitely don't see how anything serious could develop. Other people are likely to disagree, but I'd echo the previous posters who say it's better to wait for the real thing, even if it seems like that might be a long time coming.

_____________________________

What I cannot create, I do not understand.--Feynman

Every sentence I have written here is the product of some disease.-- Wittgenstein

(in reply to NorthNewbie)

Post #: 7

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 9:08:42 AM

Kana

Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline

They have yet to make a penis sized USB port

_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to OrpheusAgonistes)

Post #: 8

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 10:21:48 AM

thelustfulsub

Posts: 16
Joined: 4/5/2010
Status: offline

I'm very new as well so please forgive me if my opinion seems a bit naive. I definitely think that someone can develop a deep relationship with someone they have never met in person before. But I do not think that the relationship could survive very long without some tangible connection. If the internet relationship does not eventually move into the real world then no, I do not think it will be fulfilling or satisfying for either party. Online/phone chatting would be fine for meeting people or building a relationship but I don't think that it can provide the same quality of connection as a physical relationship can.

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 9

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 10:23:07 AM

Lockit

Posts: 11292
Joined: 5/7/2007
Status: offline

This is a well debated topic and I agree to a lot of things said on both sides. (Basic sides and in general) However I have seen both sides work as there are a lot of reasons people do what they do. I have to go to a basic thread jack I think to express what I want to point out, but maybe it isn't a thread jack. lol

When I first got a computer and went online, it was for medical research and basically using the computer as a word processor. Of course I found a whole new world out there! lol I started with support groups at sites that had medical information. I brought what I did in person, online. The net opened doors to being able to help more people, to reach more people and to be more effective on a larger scale. Before I knew it, I or we depending on the situation, were dealing with at least two suicides a week, counseling people in anything that dealt with a chronic illness and what happens to life with a chronic illness. Most sites didn't want to deal with the uglier parts and that opened a few more doors and places to fill.

These people couldn't get what we did anywhere else consistently. We became real to one another and met in person when we could and lives were changed and saved. That is real.

So I very much believe that the emotional things can be covered whether in person or not and that the emotional things can have a huge impact on the lives of those involved. It really doesn't matter the subject matter or what or why, you are still interacting with people. It can be as real as you make it.

In person the physical is important and no one would deny that, but how important is it? Personally the emotional is what prompts the physical and is a starting place. One can learn a lot about an honest person dealing with one another online and I feel lot can be accomplished for some people. Yet there are those that must have the physical elements for it to feel real to them. So it depends on a lot of things.

There is a lot that I can't cover here that would explain how I think on all of this, but I must say that online can be as emotionally real as in person for some people. Those few times when I have had to start online or carry on and established relationship during times apart, have been fruitful and enjoyable with frustrations of being apart and unable to be physical at that time. But the emotions that were very real were carried over.

There are people who are using online to cover up truth, lack of commitment, some fact of their life they aren't forthright about and as an excuse to go no further. With them, I doubt that even being in person would help with much except to expose the deception faster.

As for how to do it... that is also dependent upon the people and situation. When I have done it, I have done it with and without cam type play. I used every source for contact that people have and implemented all sorts of (my) protocol.

OP, I don't know why you can only do online at this time, but it is a big question for me. If you are using it to escape some very real facts of your life... like a wife... I would suggest you not do it until life situations are cleared up. Think of those you might get involved with and those in your life and if there is any way you could harm them... just don't do it. The reason I say this is because online can be very real emotionally and that is something that sometimes cannot be healed as easily a physical wound. Be smart and have a heart.

_____________________________

No matter how old a woman gets, some men will think she was born yesterday! ROFL... I love this place!

(in reply to Kana)

Post #: 10

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 10:24:37 AM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

To thelustfulsub....Is that Santa in the background of one of your photos?

I think I saw him at a dungeon I frequent.

_____________________________

(in reply to thelustfulsub)

Post #: 11

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 10:37:36 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

In regards to friendship... I totally agree...the friends I've made online are as dear to me as the ones in RT. For me a relationship is different for two reasons.

Attraction... Some would call that shallow but it's the way I'm wired...we could be the ideal pair on paper, online, on the phone...but if the chemistry isn't there, it's going nowhere.

Physical...I am a very tactile person and without the physical aspects of a relationship it would end quickly.

I do think online can be a usefull tool after a relatioship has been is conceived...if distance becomes an issue for a limited amount of time.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to Lockit)

Post #: 12

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 10:38:52 AM

NorthNewbie

Posts: 24
Joined: 4/8/2010
Status: offline

quote:

OP, I don't know why you can only do online at this time, but it is a big question for me. If you are using it to escape some very real facts of your life... like a wife... I would suggest you not do it until life situations are cleared up. Think of those you might get involved with and those in your life and if there is any way you could harm them... just don't do it. The reason I say this is because online can be very real emotionally and that is something that sometimes cannot be healed as easily a physical wound. Be smart and have a heart.

Oh, this is not anywhere near the case. It is a simple matter of geography. I'm from the northernmost part of Norway, in a tiny little 'village'. The region I am in is larger than Denmark, and any decent sized city has a greater population. This means that even the most exhaustive search on the profiles here (and other places), a long with other ways to seek what I am looking for... well, turns up nothing. The reason I seek an online relationship, is because there are no one to have this kind of real life relationship with until I can finish my contract term and relocate.

I would never seek an online relationship in order to hide anything, lie or otherwise be anything less than completely honest with both myself and everyone else.

The thread is interesting so far, and have provided some thoughts. Nothing that has discouraged me much, but provoked thoughts.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 13

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 10:39:11 AM

LadyNTrainer

Posts: 1584
Joined: 5/20/2009
Status: offline

The good news is that you're not the only pervy smart gamer geek type here; there's lots of us, and sometimes that kind of common interest bond will put you quickly to the head of the list with a similarly inclined dominant.

In my experience, D/s online depends on the degree of connection you can make with the person. Real life meetings, even if they're a lot less frequent than online ones, take it to a whole other level that is worth exploring.

_____________________________

Your dominant Personal Trainer for fitness and body shaping in the lifestyle. Let my fetish be your motivation.

(in reply to NorthNewbie)

Post #: 14

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 10:50:15 AM

DWCskitten

Posts: 199
Joined: 3/2/2010
Status: offline

In less than two weeks, Master Sir and i will be meeting each other face-to-face for the first time so, at this point, ours would still be considered an on-line relationship, soon to become realtime.

quote:

ORIGINAL: NorthNewbie
Practicality:

How does it work, practically? Being dominated properly over a webcam/chat strikes me as difficult. What are your experiences with this, and how would it work? Can a proper D/s relationship function properly online, without suffering from the lack of direct intervention/interaction between the two? Some experiences and advice on this would be very helpful, as it'd help me in pulling my share of the load.

Since it is online, we do not do the "hands-on" stuff of course. It's mostly mental domination.....lots of rules and i am expected to obey those rules and be trustworthy enough to tell Him if i don't. And He is very ingenious at punishment methods if i don't obey.....but that's never become an issue, because i'm a good slave. Plus we do talk on the phone at the same time every night, along with being on webcam so we can see and hear each other at the same time. Of course, we can't wait for the real thing.....to actually meet in person.

quote:

Experiences in general:

Is it feasible? Can an online relationship truly form a close bond between the two? This is a concern for me, since I wish to explore this side of me thoroughly as a lifestyle, not just as some kinky fantasy. Would the bond properly survive the act of shutting down the computer for the day, or would it simply be too... false. A fantasy and illusion rather than a proper relationship and bond? I'm ranting here, but I do that when I'm this green on a subject I'm curious about. Any experiences and again, advice would be greatly appreciated.

Yes, i think it can form a close bond. But of course, on-line will never be exactly the same as realtime. When Master Sir & i meet in person later this month, we both know there will be things that neither of us expected. That's normal. And yes, at times my computer has not worked for more than a day at a time, and Master Sir & i did not fall apart.

All this being said, if we never planned on this becoming realtime, i would not be involved. i would never get involved with an internet-only relationship without plans for it to become realtime somewhere down the road.

~kitten~

_____________________________

formerly sweetsub1957.

New beginnings...my first poly relationship.

Proudly Owned property of MasterDWC.

(in reply to NorthNewbie)

Post #: 15

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 11:00:49 AM

afkarr

Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
Status: offline

I have some online friendships, but that is all they are- friendships. I could not fathom carry on a relationship online, it's too hard to type handcuffed and blindfolded while smacking myself

On a serious note- current kinky man and I carry on a running blackberry chat between real times; mind you that we know each other in vanilla land, average about 3-4 times a month in RT play, and have several mutual connections/interests outside the kink; and we still frequently have to sort out the "you lost me's" and "what did you mean by that's". The problem with online is that inflection, non verbal expression, and far too often context are missed or misinterpreted. If we have this problem when we know each other, I'm not sure how you could clearly communicate with someone you've never met, unless you end up trying to be someone you're not.

(in reply to LadyNTrainer)

Post #: 16

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 11:36:25 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: afkarr
The problem with online is that inflection, non verbal expression, and far too often context are missed or misinterpreted. If we have this problem when we know each other, I'm not sure how you could clearly communicate with someone you've never met, unless you end up trying to be someone you're not.

*laughs* Actually, my online slave and myself do not have this problem. It is a constantly routine thing that one of us will type something and hit enter just as the other typed the same damned thing. As her master, I've taken to alternating days, eg: "Today is my day to do the talking for us. Tomorrow is your day". It happens so often that it's a running joke.

In those rare moments when there is miscommunication, it is not a problem. We both listen with love's ears.

quote:

DWCskitten said:
All this being said, if we never planned on this becoming realtime, i would not be involved. i would never get involved with an internet-only relationship without plans for it to become realtime somewhere down the road.

I went ahead and collared my online slave for different reasons. She was someone I assessed as honestly searching and I had come to respect her as a person. Rather than let her get involved with some random online dom with all the idiocy that entails, I went ahead and collared her myself. I could see no way to actually let her see what an M/s relationship meant by talking in theory. I knew, right up front, that we would fall in love. There's going to be tears at some point down the road since the real life situation means this cannot last. But those tears will be well spent if I have successfully helped her.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to afkarr)

Post #: 17

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 12:43:15 PM

thelustfulsub

Posts: 16
Joined: 4/5/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

To thelustfulsub....Is that Santa in the background of one of your photos?

I think I saw him at a dungeon I frequent.

Is that supposed to be some witty way to say that since I'm young/green my opinion doesn't matter? I wasn't aware that people aren't allowed to have opinions until they turned 30...40...50... or had been in the community for years.

(in reply to domiguy)

Post #: 18

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 1:34:11 PM

allyC

Posts: 778
Joined: 6/2/2004
From: Las Vegas
Status: offline

using fast reply... Any relationship, no matter where it is forged, has whatever weight, meaning, and depth that the people involved are willing to put into it. I met my owner online. When we first began talking, it was via instant message and e-mail only. We didn't have webcams back then and had not moved to talking on the phone at first. He was 2,000+ miles away so hanging out on a regular basis was not an option. So we communicated - a LOT. We poured our thoughts and ideas into meaningful letters, conversations, etc. and fortunately we were both being honest about everything. And so something began to blossom. We began talking on the phone frequently (very frequently) and maintained a long distance relationship for several months before we were able to meet. Those months of pure communication helped build a very healthy, strong, and honest foundation for the two of us. As far as the D/s aspects go, I believe that a majority of what happens during enslavement is emotional and mental. My owner doesn't enslave me by whip, by force, or by fist - he has done so over the years by inspiring me to surrender. His will, intelligence, dominance, and skill in mastery were very present even when we were miles away. So now, looking back, I can honestly say that while being in person/living in his home is different in many ways (and better imo) from what we shared over the internet and telephone, neither was more or less real than the other. I believe this is because we were genuine in our interaction and honest in our communication. I have also found that when two people have no other option in spending time together than communication, the daily distractions of dating, hanging out, etc., don't get in the way of that communication. That was all we had and so we utilized it to the fullest. I believe this is partially responsible for the fact that we continue to have phenomenal communication with each other... and the time we spent apart gave me something extremely valuable in our relationship. I never, ever take his presence for granted. You will find a lot of people who believe online relationships are a waste of time. Some think they are fake, stupid, or some sort of fantasy-land thing. I believe otherwise. While they certainly can be fake, they don't have to be. The internet (and subsequently phone) were all we had for many months and during that time, a very real foundation and relationship was forged. Well wishes to you and good luck. I hope that you find someone wonderful to explore your life with and that someday you do get to experience the different joys to be found when you're up close and personal with that person. -Cav's ally

< Message edited by allyC -- 4/9/2010 1:43:28 PM >

(in reply to thelustfulsub)

Post #: 19

RE: Practicalities and experiences with online relation... - 4/9/2010 2:02:52 PM

Aileen1968

Posts: 6062
Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: thelustfulsub

quote:

ORIGINAL: domiguy

To thelustfulsub....Is that Santa in the background of one of your photos?

I think I saw him at a dungeon I frequent.

Is that supposed to be some witty way to say that since I'm young/green my opinion doesn't matter? I wasn't aware that people aren't allowed to have opinions until they turned 30...40...50... or had been in the community for years.

No...actually it looks like Santa is sitting in the background of one of your pictures.

_____________________________

(in reply to thelustfulsub)

Post #: 20

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