Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends

Collarspace Discussion Forums

Home Login Search

Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends

View related threads: (in this forum | in all forums)

Logged in as: Guest

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Login

Message

<< Older Topic Newer Topic >>

Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 12:13:37 PM

DarthVader08

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/13/2008
Status: offline

Hi collarme bloggers, messengers, and all around good people.
Full Disclosure: This is my dummy profile. i don't typically post but i do need legitimate help here and don't know how else to go about asking the informed. i actually considered starting an anonymous blog to get feedback but who's going to read that, and even if they do, chances are they know jack shit about bdsm. So heregoes...

i've been seeing a girl out of city for several months now. she's big into bdsm and thats the nature of our relationship. Thing is i'm super closeted about my kink and so is she to an extent, which makes it hard to tell all your friends "hey, im going to External City again to get tied up as a cuck for my Mistress". Wouldn't fly.
So i'm short on options here. She hooks up with guys on a pretty regular basis so i don't feel its my place to say we're in a relationship. its uncommitted on her end and if they ever find that out i'll never regain any shred of respect. And i doubt she'd want me to tell them we're hooking up. Her man meat is typically of a higher quality than myself. Oh, and they would never believe i was going down just to talk with a friend and spend the night, i'm hardly the type.

So there's my conundrum. How do i lie to these people in a fashion that keeps her happy?
Please do me a favor though and address that question; not why lying is the wrong approach or why long distance commitment is a mess. Any input is appreciated
- Peace

Post #: 1

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 12:22:28 PM

peppermint

Posts: 5173
Joined: 10/18/2005
From: Montana
Status: offline

Is there any real reason your friends have to know where you are going? Can you just say your are off to visit a childhood friend, someone you met on the internet, a cousin, mom, brother, or sister? It sounds as if she is not going to out you to your friends. I just don't understand why you need to explain where you are going and what you are doing.

When I used to go out of town to spend time with a Dominant, I used to tell my family I was visiting a friend.

(in reply to DarthVader08)

Post #: 2

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 12:27:06 PM

DarthVader08

Posts: 2
Joined: 7/13/2008
Status: offline

Sorry, i should have noted. i'm college age and share an apartment with 3 very good (inquisitive) friend. they know when i'm not around and naturally are asking a lot of questions about the nature of my trips. its just gotten to the point where saying i'm spending the night at a friends isn't sufficient and i don't know which direction to take when elaborating.

(in reply to peppermint)

Post #: 3

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 12:29:49 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

Well, in general, my attitude is that I'm not doing anything wrong and therefor I'm not embarassed by it. If I have a friend who cannot accept it, then they cannot accept ME and are therefor not my friend.

Of course, conversely, you could simply say, "I'm going to see my girl friend" which is true enough insofar as it goes. Not everyone needs to know everything.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to DarthVader08)

Post #: 4

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 12:30:25 PM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarthVader08

Sorry, i should have noted. i'm college age and share an apartment with 3 very good (inquisitive) friend.

I'm in the same situation (except there are *seven* of us). I've taken the 'cheeky wink and refuse to say' route, and it seems to work pretty well-look vaguely guilty and people will assume you've got a secret shag; kink won't even occur to them.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to DarthVader08)

Post #: 5

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 12:36:10 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

"I'm going to have wild, passionate, kinky sex with a woman who is way out of my league, and I won't come back until we've both orgasmed multiple times. What are your plans for the weekend?"

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 6

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 12:41:03 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
"I'm going to have wild, passionate, kinky sex with a woman who is way out of my league, and I won't come back until we've both orgasmed multiple times. What are your plans for the weekend?"

I bow before your superior answer. LOLOLOL

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 7

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 1:05:47 PM

PrimalConsonance

Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarthVader08

Hi collarme bloggers, messengers, and all around good people.
Full Disclosure: This is my dummy profile. i don't typically post but i do need legitimate help here and don't know how else to go about asking the informed. i actually considered starting an anonymous blog to get feedback but who's going to read that, and even if they do, chances are they know jack shit about bdsm. So heregoes...

i've been seeing a girl out of city for several months now. she's big into bdsm and thats the nature of our relationship. Thing is i'm super closeted about my kink and so is she to an extent, which makes it hard to tell all your friends "hey, im going to External City again to get tied up as a cuck for my Mistress". Wouldn't fly.
So i'm short on options here. She hooks up with guys on a pretty regular basis so i don't feel its my place to say we're in a relationship. its uncommitted on her end and if they ever find that out i'll never regain any shred of respect. And i doubt she'd want me to tell them we're hooking up. Her man meat is typically of a higher quality than myself. Oh, and they would never believe i was going down just to talk with a friend and spend the night, i'm hardly the type.

So there's my conundrum. How do i lie to these people in a fashion that keeps her happy?
Please do me a favor though and address that question; not why lying is the wrong approach or why long distance commitment is a mess. Any input is appreciated
- Peace

Well creative yarning IS an art form, but really you don't have to go overboard. The stigma of BDSM is something that as nearly everyone will tell you, doesn't need to be propagated. It's becoming more "mainstream" everyday and used to be used as some joke or smirky thing on CSI and the like. It's not as negative as it used to be. Just think, you are part of a crowd that a little over 65-years ago; that practiced what wasn't a lifestyle but more so a psychological disorder that had a prescribed treatment including that new-fangled shock treatment...we do it ourselves now thank you, and in some places you have to pay extra for that.

Seriously, if they can't be trusted with this privy information, then they don't need to know. You can tell them if they wish to know, that you are seeing a girl, working on a project, have a per diem job, you're donating to a sperm bank or even some sort of community service or even something as worth-while as donating your time for a charity. One of those will either make you look like a bad-boy, or a fellow working on his saint-hood. Those you can trust and are actual friends, you can come out to them at some point. There's nothing wrong with what you are doing, but feeling ashamed of it should be one of those things naughty-boy...

Good luck, and hope it works out for you. But please do remember, it'll be a lot harder once you get into this further to explain away those bruises and such...things could get tricky soon, so be prepared and be strong. Hard to come up with someone accidentally walking in on you one day while you are trying to get that lipsticked-in "SLUT" off your chest after a good session, or as you are getting out of the shower with paddle marks on your cheeks. So just think about the speech for that one time if and when it comes, and again good luck.

< Message edited by PrimalConsonance -- 4/9/2010 1:07:14 PM >

_____________________________

AKA: CNJDom (types in black) and roselaure (types in Red)

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

(in reply to DarthVader08)

Post #: 8

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 1:28:32 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Why not just say "I'm going to visit a gal from out of town?" Just tell your friends that you enjoy seeing her. (You don't have to mention that part about that you're her cuck and enjoy 'seeing her' with other men.) If they push, just say that she's captivating and turns you on like nobody else. (Which from what you're saying here is still true, it's just being phrased differently.)

Of course, Red's answer will probably stop them in their tracks before they have a moment to think twice.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to PrimalConsonance)

Post #: 9

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 1:35:22 PM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

"I'm going to have wild, passionate, kinky sex with a woman who is way out of my league, and I won't come back until we've both orgasmed multiple times. What are your plans for the weekend?"

So, basically, the verbal version of what I said

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 10

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 1:45:04 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Just to be clear: I wasn't joking. That's exactly what I would say in that situation. Darth, if you don't come while you're there, just take that part out. You have kinky sex with a ravishing woman, and you don't leave until she has multiple orgasms. Answer questions honestly and directly, and people will stop giving you shit.

Face it. Your sex life kicks their sex life's ass.

_____________________________

Not with envy, not with a twisted heart, shall you feel superior, or go about boasting. Rather in goodness by action make true your song and your word. Thus you shall be highly regarded, and able to live in peace with all others.
- 15th century Aztec

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 11

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 2:10:16 PM

RealSub58

Posts: 1073
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

Your sex life kicks their sex life's ass.

I live with my elderly mom and need someone to stay with her while I am gone. She is of course a typical mom of a single 50 some woman and has strict rules about why one goes with one or another based on religious convictions....

"So ya mum, I'm going to see him again cause my sex life rocks."
"My red and bruised bottom?"
" I don't see anything, are you sure its not a spot on your glasses?"

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 12

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 2:19:10 PM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarthVader08

Hi collarme bloggers, messengers, and all around good people.
Full Disclosure: This is my dummy profile. i don't typically post but i do need legitimate help here and don't know how else to go about asking the informed. i actually considered starting an anonymous blog to get feedback but who's going to read that, and even if they do, chances are they know jack shit about bdsm. So heregoes...

i've been seeing a girl out of city for several months now. she's big into bdsm and thats the nature of our relationship. Thing is i'm super closeted about my kink and so is she to an extent, which makes it hard to tell all your friends "hey, im going to External City again to get tied up as a cuck for my Mistress". Wouldn't fly.
So i'm short on options here. She hooks up with guys on a pretty regular basis so i don't feel its my place to say we're in a relationship. its uncommitted on her end and if they ever find that out i'll never regain any shred of respect. And i doubt she'd want me to tell them we're hooking up. Her man meat is typically of a higher quality than myself. Oh, and they would never believe i was going down just to talk with a friend and spend the night, i'm hardly the type.

So there's my conundrum. How do i lie to these people in a fashion that keeps her happy?
Please do me a favor though and address that question; not why lying is the wrong approach or why long distance commitment is a mess. Any input is appreciated
- Peace

This is disturbing at several levels....

Exactly why do your friends need to be kept informed of your intimate needs?

I don't recommend you overtly lie to them (which is disturbing that you hafta ask) but, in such a scenario, lying by omission seems reasonable.

Are you even aware that a consenting, intimate liason between adults *IS* legal?

So tell me, DarthVader, you really are well over 10 years old, right?

Focus.

_____________________________

Never underestimate the persuasive power of stupid people in large groups. <unknown>

Your food is for eating, not torturing. <my mum> (Errm, when I was a kid)

(in reply to DarthVader08)

Post #: 13

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 2:36:52 PM

Wolf2Bear

Posts: 3204
Joined: 9/6/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarthVader08

Hi collarme bloggers, messengers, and all around good people.
Full Disclosure: This is my dummy profile. i don't typically post but i do need legitimate help here and don't know how else to go about asking the informed. i actually considered starting an anonymous blog to get feedback but who's going to read that, and even if they do, chances are they know jack shit about bdsm. So heregoes...

i've been seeing a girl out of city for several months now. she's big into bdsm and thats the nature of our relationship. Thing is i'm super closeted about my kink and so is she to an extent, which makes it hard to tell all your friends "hey, im going to External City again to get tied up as a cuck for my Mistress". Wouldn't fly.
So i'm short on options here. She hooks up with guys on a pretty regular basis so i don't feel its my place to say we're in a relationship. its uncommitted on her end and if they ever find that out i'll never regain any shred of respect. And i doubt she'd want me to tell them we're hooking up. Her man meat is typically of a higher quality than myself. Oh, and they would never believe i was going down just to talk with a friend and spend the night, i'm hardly the type.

So there's my conundrum. How do i lie to these people in a fashion that keeps her happy?
Please do me a favor though and address that question; not why lying is the wrong approach or why long distance commitment is a mess. Any input is appreciated
- Peace

Why should you have to tell them the whys and detailed info of your personal life? If they were decent friends who respected your personal life, then they shouldn't give you the third degree on your love life. Simply say it's on a need t know basis and they do not need to know.

_____________________________

~Resident Sadist Approved~

Take the pain
Take the pleasure
I'm the master of both
Close your eyes, not your mind
Let me into your soul
I'm gonna work it 'til your totally blown

(in reply to DarthVader08)

Post #: 14

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 2:42:41 PM

reynardfox

Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline

Just tell them you've joined a Morris dancing troupe, your friends will never ask you about it, want to meet the other Morris dancers and they'll never, ever want to watch. simples!

(in reply to DarthVader08)

Post #: 15

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 3:07:57 PM

Tantriqu

Posts: 2026
Joined: 12/29/2006
Status: offline

Interesting how different this is for men vs. women!
I have friends, male and female, who are my wingmen/slash/security forces when I first meet anyone from here and they have my and his contact info in case of emergency on either end. So a few select friends are well aware in a general sense that I'm sexually dominant: what exactly I get up to behind closed doors is none of their beeswax, although they LOVE details! I love and trust my friends, they love and trust me, and they know they'll likely be around long after the dude is dismissed.

I don't really see the dilemma with bragging to your roomies, "Off to a booty call!" when only the most perspicacious of them will figure out you're the booty on call.
Besides, chances are you're probably living with at least one sub already: fyi, one of the hottest stories a sub can tell his mistress is seeing familiar marks or a CB on another man at the gym [or apartment!] and how they end up trading anecdotes. Boo yah!

(in reply to reynardfox)

Post #: 16

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 3:34:11 PM

Elisabella

Posts: 3939
Status: offline

-FR-

Just say you're going to visit this really great girl you know.

(in reply to Tantriqu)

Post #: 17

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 4:09:06 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

This seems much ado about nothing - hell, tell them you are having kinky sex with a woman and force - therefore occasional bruises will result- is involved. I sincerely doubt it will occur to them that you are the bottom of a bdsm relationship.

(in reply to Elisabella)

Post #: 18

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 4:52:51 PM

Toppingfrmbottom

Posts: 6528
Joined: 6/7/2009
Status: offline

Then it's probably a good time they learn to butt out and not pry into your business. Easier said than done I know, and they're probably just concerned but friends don't need to know every little intament moment of your life and what you're doing and if they're constantly pressuring you to tell them more than you wish to, maybe they're not such good friends after all. Since in my books friends respect other friends wishes of privacy should there be a wish.

I'd tell them I was going to see a lady friend of mine, and more than that wasn't any of their business.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DarthVader08

Sorry, i should have noted. i'm college age and share an apartment with 3 very good (inquisitive) friend. they know when i'm not around and naturally are asking a lot of questions about the nature of my trips. its just gotten to the point where saying i'm spending the night at a friends isn't sufficient and i don't know which direction to take when elaborating.

(in reply to DarthVader08)

Post #: 19

RE: Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends - 4/9/2010 6:07:42 PM

OrpheusAgonistes

Posts: 253
Joined: 3/29/2010
Status: offline

Right. So first of all, admittedly, I can't really relate to the part where the girl apparently doesn't want to admit to having any kind of relationship with you other than friendship. If anything, women are usually overly eager to claim me as their own. A couple of times a month, I like to hold press conferences just to clear up misunderstandings, debunk rumors, and address sordid innuendos. Punch is served. They're really very classy.

But back to you problem. As I see it, you have two choices. One choice is fun. The other will be effective. Neither will "work" if what you're looking for is to keep the game going into the late innings. This is one of those relationships that's built to burn out.

The fun choice is lie. Boldly. Lie like Munchausen. Lie like the Comte de St Germain. Bedazzle them with your bullshit. Improvise, Kaufman style. Tell great tales of tropical passion, fairly exclusive orgies, debauchery, and decadence. If this girl doesn't want to be involved, fine. Make people up. Imply CIA involvement. Hint that you've done dirty deeds in mansions in neighborhoods so exclusive they have their own private black helicopters doing security work. Tell the story about the time you woke up next to a hot young blonde and her house was so big it took you fifteen minutes just to find your way out and even then you had to get directions from two different housekeepers who spoke seven different Spanish dialects between them. Drop names. Nobody big, just young, C list celebrities. Somebody who had a guest spot on Gossip Girl once. Speaking as a recovering college brat, college brats are daft. They want to feel important, and being told big important sexy lies makes them feel important. If you follow this course of action, it will change your life. You're welcome.

The other option is to pursue what Nixon and Depeche Mode would have called "a policy of truth." Tell tiny falsehoods. Equivocate. Stall. Pretend you didn't hear the question. Stall. Obfuscate with minor inconsistencies they'll waste time and effort trying to falsify or rectify. Stall. Wait it out. Did I mention stall? You're basically in a "run out the clock" situation because, and I mean this in a friendly way, the arrangement you have with this girl is dooooooooooomed. So all you need to do is keep your cool, stay poised, and dissemble glibly. In this scenario you're not doing anything malicious. You're just a dude trying to keep a secret from some dudes. Happens every day. It's not too different from what you're doing now except you realize that it's a temporary situation and, as such, it becomes more bearable. You don't have to keep this up forever. I'd give it 6 weeks, tops. Discrete AND discreet.

_____________________________

What I cannot create, I do not understand.--Feynman

Every sentence I have written here is the product of some disease.-- Wittgenstein

(in reply to DarthVader08)

Post #: 20

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

All Forums >> [Community Discussions] >> General BDSM Discussion >> Covering Up a BDSM Relationship Form Your Friends

Page: [1] 2 next > >>

Jump to:

New Messages	No New Messages
Hot Topic w/ New Messages	Hot Topic w/o New Messages
Locked w/ New Messages	Locked w/o New Messages

Post New Thread

Reply to Message

Post New Poll

Submit Vote

Delete My Own Post

Delete My Own Thread

Rate Posts

Collarchat.com © 2025

Terms of Service

0.094