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Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 6:15:00 PM   
CERCKL


Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline 		I have enjoyed these forum boards quite a bit, I have found a sense of community among the humor, sarcasm, opinions and insight presented by a wide variet of individuals. Though I doubt that I have contributed much besides My own sarcasm and humor, I have attempted to be honest and open in My responses when I have approached questions sincerely. Myself, I have asked questions primarily from curiosity but I have presented very little of My Self nor have I actually asked anything very close to Me. I possess a history of not seeking advice or input in manners or concerns which are actually revealing in any personal way. Perhaps that is partially why I am going to attempt to here, since it can be presented as words upon a screen, hidden by distance and the facade of a green gargoyle avatar...still this is presented in sinceriuty and actually proving to be more difficult than I realized in asking for other's perspectives or insight...almost visceral in it's difficulty.

The following brief sketch is presented with the intent to provide a touch of context; it is pieced together not only from My own observations of Myself but also from carefully weighed comments and criticism from others who have known Me. An element of My personality is that I am an extremely intense individual; this intensity, inner drive, hunger, has been consciously held dormant over the last ten years, as I attempted to be the husband and father expected of Me, more than likely, primarily from My own expectations...but has recently been allowed to once again become an important aspect which I have embraced and allowed forward again.

When I was younger, this intensity, focus, manifested itself in an in-depth seeking; questioning of absolutes, reality, spirituality, Self which culminated in an embrace of the Abyss, Nothingness, a self-destructive thrashing out of nihilism, deconstructionism; as a friend pointed out the other night the literary definition of the 'demonic'...when the ontological could not be answered with any certainty through My immature questioning...it almost killed me, literally.

Over the last six years, infrequently, I have allowed Myself to focus this intensity into the creative act and process of My painting; bringing Myself to a meditative state and the closest to an understanding of 'Maya', 'Brahmin' if you will, than any other actions I have ever taken. Hours lost to creating...the world and it's realities, perceptions falling away; Myself revealed, questioning only through the act of placing paint upon canvas.

Recently it had been demonstrated to Me that by controlling and denying this intensity, this primary aspect of Myself, not only had I been miserable but I had made those I cared for around Me miserable also and that those in a relationship with Me tended to ask themselves what they had done wrong as I "wrestled with inner demons". This is partially true and partially just a rationalization, justification for why My ex decided to leave after twelve years...among a long laundry list of reasons; let's just state that neither have us have been actually happy with our relationship for almost ten years...and call that part of the story covered.

Now that I have presented you with a very slight sketch, biographical outline leading to My current situation...as I have commented somewhat here, I am recently developing a relationship with a submissive who is very important to Me. Though I have been cautious in approaching her and have attempted to gauge her preparedness, I have had a sense of familiarity with her, which I have allowed Myself to be extremely honest and straightforward in dealing with her...when asked questions or with My interactions with her I have not been guarded or vague but rather very candid, sincere and comprehensive in My responses. While getting to know her, I have been fortunate enough to gain quite a bit of insight into her...and though in the 'lifestyle' or kink aspects she possesses more experience, I have mistaken that for growth in other areas of personal awreness and strength which though I recognize she possesses and that potentially she will fully develop; I made the gross misjudgement of interacting with her as if she did, instead of recognizing her current parameters and pardigms and leading her slowly beyond them.  At this point she recognizes as a sensitive and empathatic individual she needs to be more grounded and she has gotten confused, drained with My 'intensity'...during the period of time we were initially getting to know each other, she stated that I would 'devour' her if she allowed herself too close...

Her sense of self, as well as the fact that she is emerging from a transitional period also, has left her feeling uprooted and then with Me focusing on her and Us, I have trained My personal energy and intensity in such a way that I have been irresponsible and destructive...I know that I need to set her down gently and recognize her fragility...that I need to move My focus towards other areas in My life and allow her the time to regain her footing...essentially, I am angered at Myself for acting upon her potential as opposed to her actuality and causing harm and confusion to she that is important to Me. Whom I love...a very close friend has stated that I am not draining or negative in focus as I used to be and that is very stimulating to be with Me now...obviously I approached her in the same manner, forgetting that she was not yet used to who I am.

This is not presented for any other reason than just seeking input; I have already spent quite an investment of time critiquing what I have done and am still seeking the proper way in which I will deal with this...I am not seeking validation of My decision, absolution for My fuck up, or anything else  besides  other's perspectives.

Thank you for allowing Me to take up so much of your time and assuming that anyone else cares to hear about what I am experiencing.

Namaste,
C

_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."
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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 6:41:03 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		New relationship energy and the frenzies- fairly classic case.  I'm glad you guys at least can be aware enough to take a breather and get perspective.  It really never is too late.  Good luck with continuing your perspective and allowing you to grow into yourselves, whether it be together or not.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to CERCKL)
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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 6:44:10 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		I guess, to put your situation in a nutshell using a scenario you might relate to considering you know words like "maya" and "brahmin".....your saying something like...you used tantric techniques on someone who had no clue about the consequences of such an interaction or how to cope with the feelings and thoughts of being within that energy..and now its happened, you can see they arent coping very well with it? Kinda like awakening someones kundalini before they have a support system or knoweldge of how to cope with it?

That is a dilemma, a hard lesson learned..which doesnt help with the situation at hand, but I can sympathise with your position, some realisations we come to, can be very self-confronting.

I dont really know what else to say...so gonna post this.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to CERCKL)
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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 6:46:28 PM   
Sensualips


Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
Status: offline 		Intense can mean many things -- sometimes it is used to describe instability or unpredictability.  It sounds like you are trying to channel your intensity in healthy ways as well as be aware and give things some time and space.  That can't be a bad thing!  Good luck.

(in reply to CERCKL)
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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 6:53:42 PM   
starymists


Posts: 139
Joined: 2/1/2006
Status: offline 		Am there...doing that. At the period of time that I met my current Dominant, my life was in a state of flux, I was dealing with some heavy issues in life, and things were changing for me rapidly with little time to catch my breath and guage who I was becoming in the middle of the storm. In the middle of that time, I met a Dominant who, initially became more my friend than anything else. Just as things in life started to settle down, we began to experience a shift in our friendship to something more, and began to move in that direction. I had always sensed some intensity simmering just below the surface, but I had no idea just how intense he could be. As we began exploring what could be, he unleashed that intensity...and I was floored. I know in the early days, I asked more than once "Are you sure you really want me?". The reason for the nearly constant questioning was as he focused that intensity on me, and only me, the changes again started mounting up, with little time to catch my breath or get a view of the person I was becoming. And, yes, for a while, it started to feel like he was trying to make me into something or someone I wasn't rather than pushing me to live to my full potential. I was constantly saying, sometimes just to myself "There is no way I will ever get there. That is just not who I am."
 
That rocky period lasted nearly three months. I brought my feelings to the table, and he tried to reassure me. At times, he even slowed the pace, but it was still a difficult time. Nearly 6 months later, we have evened out. I have caught site of his vision, have a better handle on what I bring to the table, have a better understanding of where he wants to take me. And yes, now, I know I can go where he wishes for me to go. For me, the secret was slowing the pace, and giving me a whole lot of reassurance. Physical touching while we talked about things that needed to change, presenting a balanced picture *You have accomplished a, b and c, and I am proud of what you've done*, tons and tons of conversation, taking the time to really listen to what I was going through, and making what adjustments that he could to ease the chaos I was experiencing were all things that gave me hope for our relationship, our future and his vision. Ensuring that I was journaling, talking to my friends and mentors and giving me some time and space to assimilate the changes were also very important.
 
Everyone handles things different...everyone needs different things...these are some of the things that worked for me when I was dealing with intensity. And my two cents? A good Master/Dom will make mistakes...he will also look at his actions, his intentions, his thoughts and his feelings...he will look at the results and he will learn from the path that he is taken. You have done a lot of that in thinking the problem through, where you see mistakes were made and owning up to those mistakes. Being willing to change what needs to be changed also factors into being the kind of guy who can take control of another. So at this point, I'd take a look at your options for the future, and start plotting your actions. That's all anyone can ask.

(in reply to CERCKL)
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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 7:06:17 PM   
Vancouver_cinful


Posts: 1911
Joined: 2/3/2004
Status: offline 		I'm a very intense person myself, and what I've learned is that what some of us consider a passionate nature, others consider hysterical, or unstable.

I've found that those people who do not identify as passionate and creative are rarely comfortable around individuals who live life intensely.

For me, being told to calm down, quiet down, or just relax is often a sign that someone is uncomfortable around passionate people. I'm not a hysterical person, never had a history of unbalance that would cause a psychologist to consider me in any in need of therapy...So, after many years of trying to supress myself to make others more comfortable I came to the realization that I am an interesting, vibrant person and if I'm just too much for someone then they are better off with a more sedate person in their life.

Ironically, since I've taken this approach I find many of my friends consider me easy to get along with and even relaxing to spend time with.

If someone doesn't get you, then they just don't get you. For me, I'd rather be wth people who enjoy me for who I am...warts and all.

I don't know if this helps you much...But I just wanted to let you know that your intensity can be considered a wonderful thing by the right people.

Cin

_____________________________

Cin

quote:


My Karma Account is huge, but I just can't seem to make a withdrawal!!

http://cinful.wordpress.com

(in reply to CERCKL)
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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 7:33:03 PM   
CERCKL


Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline 		Thank you for the handful of responses...just a couple of notes of clarification. First, the intensity experienced has not necessarily been of a physical, sexual manner...rather more in regards to My personality, approach, focus... Second, My personality is not of an extremely hyper, scattered individual; I am very quiet, mainly cognative of what I do (yes, silly at times, as well as sarcastic, demeaning of those I have no respect for; unfortunately demeaning of those I DO have respect for but am frustrated with...) usually attempting to be aware of My actions, intentions, etc...and somewhat of an asshole.
In conversation, in seeking, in query, in creativity, in interacting I tend to burn very deeply...and I tend to intimidate or push away those around Me through that behavior, as well as the fact I generally observe before interacting...not that you could tell I'm a complete asshole from here, huh? <g>

C

_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."

(in reply to Vancouver_cinful)
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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 7:40:15 PM   
IronBear


Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline 		From my own knowledge, the intensity you described when you were younger, is similar to that undergone by most who walk arcane paths. It is, if you survive, an excelent path to a deeper understanding of yourself. I salute you for both the growth you have achieved and for sharing what is mostlt an intimate and personal experience. I'd wager that you are a passionate person and yopu are likely to do things with a grand passion... If I am right .. Welcome Brother.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to CERCKL)
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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 8:36:42 PM   
CERCKL


Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline 		Honored IronBear.

Charles

_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."

(in reply to IronBear)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 8:57:30 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline 		Life's huge, ain't it? My first reaction.. wow. My second, and probably more thoughtful reaction is.. this is a man I'd love to meet, simply for the passion that comes out in his writing. Tripping over the rocks in the road is easy when you focus with such intensity on what's before you, but I'd take looking ahead on that path than looking down any day, even if I sometimes trip over one of those rocks. It lets you feel alive. You already know this, but the phrase 'mea culpa' comes to mind here. You embrace it and acknowledge it. I don't know what kind of input you're looking for as you already seem to have a very realistic grasp on your situation and what you need to do to make sure that it doesn't go postal on you. I would remind you to breath.. oxygenate the blood ... it helps the brain process and slows you down at the same time. Consciously taking deep breaths, perhaps via meditation seldom causes harm. It wouldn't hurt the lady in question either. I have no doubt you could devour her given the opportunity. Me, I love that about Himself. The dark, the intense.. swallowing me whole. Gawds.. makes me shiver to think about it.. but we've got almost 10 years into this and it is a process.. and it is something which needs to be built to the heights you wish to achieve. Bounding up the steps gets you there faster, but you do run the risk of leaving behind those you wish to walk with you.. so slowing down and taking each step together will take longer.. but at least you arrive together. Then you can both hold hands and jump and see if you fly. Outstanding post and I applaud the genuine nature of it. Thank you.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to CERCKL)
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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 9:35:49 PM   
yourMissTress


Posts: 1665
Joined: 6/14/2005
From: Nashville, TN
Status: offline 		Being an intensely passionate person is like riding a roller coaster all the time.  Your highs are very high and your lows are very low and when something has your attention that is an understatement.  It was and remains to be something that you need to keep in check, and although you are getting a handle on it, it's certainly going to be something that others will have difficulty with in their relationships with you.
 
While dealing with someone who is as intense as you seem to be can be frightening, it can also be intoxicating.  Your intensity is part of what drew her to you and what keeps her coming back for more.  Being aware of the feelings between you and being sensitive to her need to remain an individual at this time are important.
 
When I get to your area of the country I will gladly take you up on the coffee, or if you ever amble on down to TN, coffee's on here too.  

_____________________________

Tress


"If you have to tell people that you are a lady, you are not." My Grandmother


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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 9:54:29 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		Hands CERCKL a cup of Turkish coffee [```]3 while I break out my damn dictionary again..... 

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

(in reply to CERCKL)
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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 9:57:59 PM   
CERCKL


Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline 		Yes...I do speak like that...just with a helluva lot more obscenities thrown in...to break up the flow perhaps :-)
I appreciate the coffee as always...
I thank you,
C

_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."

(in reply to truesub4u)
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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 10:23:20 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Cerckl, i read your post and have to digest it for awhile.  Maybe for days, maybe weeks.  Your words...your sentiments...  well you hit something so close to home for me that i am unable to answer, or to even comprehend what i feel, other than i am in dire need of some kleenex at the moment.

i had to read your post twice, to see if you are actually my ex husband, and only a few small clues informed me you are not.  In your words i see his struggle, and perhaps it is a light that utters a glimpse on what has caused me such grief, and that invites me one step closer toward understanding.

i wish you peace and wellness in your journey.  i applaud you for looking inward, and for seeking the truth.



(in reply to CERCKL)
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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 10:27:42 PM   
CERCKL


Posts: 1039
Joined: 3/4/2006
Status: offline
quote:

i had to read your post twice, to see if you are actually my ex husband, and only a few small clues informed me you are not.  


Wrong ex-husband...I didn't mean to cause any discomfort, though I have become quite adept at that recently...

C


_____________________________

AND I AM TOO AN ASSHOLE, I HAVE REFERENCES!!!

"Please, please, please believe me, I really am an asshole. All that Enlightenment and Higher Learning shit was all a ruse."

(in reply to ownedgirlie)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 10:46:41 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline 		Awww, you didn't cause it, Cerckl.  It is my own issue.  Your post was good for me.  The truth can be a painful place, but should never be avoided.   

Anyway, you couldn't be my ex....he thinks D/s is an illness

It's all good, Cerckl. Really.

(in reply to CERCKL)
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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 10:56:44 PM   
QuietDom


Posts: 255
Joined: 7/10/2004
Status: offline 		The whole "intense = frightening" thing is causing me some problems of late, also, but in a totally different fashion.  I'm not sure how well this relates to CERCKL's circumstances, but all the same...
 
I believe strongly that total self-control must come before one can maintain any pretense of control over another person.  I chose the ID 'QuietDom' as a reflection of one idiosyncracy arising from this: one of the stereotypical Dominant things that I will not do under any circumstances is shout at a sub.  I won't even raise my voice.  I can't remember the last time I raised my voice to anyone, and I won't compromise on that practice just to fit a cookie-cutter mold of Dominance. 
 
Now, maintaining my customary courteous propriety is obviously most difficult when strong emotions are involved... just the sort that BDSM play can evoke.  And subs (bless them) are far too attentive to nuances in the Dom not to notice.  The result?  My current play-partner is terrified of me.  She admits outright that while she knows, at least on an intellectual basis, that I'm not going to harm her (other than in ways she appreciates) she has some sort of instinctual fear thing happening.  Something in the back of her mind is screaming that I'm going to cut her into little pieces and bury them in the woods.
 
OK, I hear all the Doms and Dommes out there saying that this is a good thing.  And it is, in some respects.  That edge of terror makes play that much more intense without my having to do anything to induce it.  It can be frustrating, however, if we're just sitting and talking, and then she responds to a sudden movement on my part by leaping backwards across the room.  I could just punish every such response until the behaviour is eradicated, but that seems like an unwarrantedly heavy-handed approach.  Anyone else have any thoughts?
 

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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 11:11:56 PM   
truesub4u


Posts: 2949
Joined: 11/17/2005
Status: offline 		QuietDom... personally if something in the back of my mind told me you would cut me up and bury me in the woods... you would not be a quietdom... but a singledom...

I do nothing think that type of edged fear is not easy or worth living with. But then again.. that's just me.

< Message edited by truesub4u -- 4/3/2006 11:13:04 PM >

_____________________________

Wisdom is knowing what to do next, Skill is knowing how to do it, and Virtue is doing it.

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RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 11:23:18 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

It can be frustrating, however, if we're just sitting and talking, and then she responds to a sudden movement on my part by leaping backwards across the room.  I could just punish every such response until the behaviour is eradicated, but that seems like an unwarrantedly heavy-handed approach.  Anyone else have any thoughts?
 


I used to do react that way to Himself. Still do on occasion when he makes a sudden movement. It's my flinch factor. Intellectually, I know he's not about to strike me, but instinctually, I move anyway. Had to duck a lot as a kid and wasn't always fast enough. Negative reinforcement won't help. When I flinch, I usually get a warm hug.. now that helps and over the years, it's helped a lot. I'd go for positive reinforcement on this one if I were you at least as a first step.

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to QuietDom)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Intense (Apologies for Length of Post) - 4/3/2006 11:26:17 PM   
ownedgirlie


Posts: 9184
Joined: 2/5/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: QuietDom

 I could just punish every such response until the behaviour is eradicated, but that seems like an unwarrantedly heavy-handed approach.  Anyone else have any thoughts?
 

Great post, great questions, but i think if we journey down that tangent will we hijack the intention of this particular thread.  Beginning a new thread on this subject may prove to create an interesting discussion, however.

(in reply to QuietDom)
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