When is it too much? (Full Version)

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hislilprincess -> When is it too much? (4/3/2006 10:06:27 PM)

I love my master very much. And I've always done anything and everything he has asked of me. Not because I enjoy it - he is a sadist and I am not a masochist, nor do I think I'd be a sub were I not with him - but because I love him and want to make him happy. Unfortunately, he keeps pushing and pushing and wanting more and more from me. Recently he asked me to allow some other sadist to abuse me for his veiwing pleasure. I freaked out and left because I was scared, which was the wrong thing to do but I had to get away to think. To get me back home he told me he wouldn't make me do it. However, he has been pressing the issue again. I'm just not sure how much is too much to put up with for someone you love. He means the world to me but sometimes it feels like I'm losing myself to make him happy. I just wonder.. should I keep sacrificing as thats the role I've taken on? does he really love me too if he keeps trying to make me do something I'm that against? will anything I do ever be enough for him? will it always be necessary to take a beating or do something I don't want to do to prove I'm worth keeping?

Liz



truesub4u -> RE: When is it too much? (4/3/2006 10:20:33 PM)

To lose yourself.. who you are.. to please one... is not worth it in my book. But I think outside the norm of most subs n slaves. Not really knowing ALL the background here, I'm sure when you entered this relationship... limits were discussed... things of this nature. Where as he's breaking his trust with you now upon trying to get you to do something you stated from the get go was not within your means or limits?

If you stated from the gets go this was a limit.. and he's crossing it... it's time to talk things out again... and try to see if the trust is broken... if it can be fixed... is it worth fixing.. or is it worth you losing who you are.. for another... and later finding out... that this is not you... and same thing happening again?



FangsNfeet -> RE: When is it too much? (4/3/2006 10:30:45 PM)

As much as you love each other, it still sounds like you're not for him and he's not for you. I don't see him changing so you'll end up submitting to him for the rest of your life. You're both better off finding other people who suit your needs. After all, if nothing is being done to continue and intensify your love, it's slowly going to end up drifting away anyhow asking yourself in twenty years "What am I still doing?" It's time to ask yourself what is best for you and how you need to be treated in your relationships to make things happy.



ownedgirlie -> RE: When is it too much? (4/3/2006 10:37:13 PM)

Losing yourself is never a good thing.  Trust me, it takes a long time to find yourself again.  i am of the belief that we can evolve to do just about anything for our Masters, but what we find extreme can not simply be sprung upon us.  If we are to perform well, and find joy in what we do, the Master must invest his/her time to invest in the slave/sub, to prepare him/her slowly and gradually for incrementally challenging tasks. 

There are times when a Master may ask the slave/submissive about a given situation, simply to gauge her/his reaction, to gauge where she is in her development.  Pushing is also fine, when done in a manner that is healthy for the submissive.  Often an eager dominant runs the risk of scaring away one who could have shined, had he only known how to adjust the lighting properly. 

i highly suggest you talk to him about this.  If his suggestion causes you fear and trauma, he needs to understand it.  If he continues to push without regard, it may well be time to seriously consider if you are in the right place.

i wish you well with this.



Evanesce -> RE: When is it too much? (4/3/2006 10:45:56 PM)

I've read your post several times now, and the thing that keeps leaping out at me is that it seems you're putting yourself through all this for no other reason than to keep this man in your life.  Why?  It seems you resent the requests he makes of you, so the next question is what does he do to fulfill your needs?
 
Everything in your post screams "incompatible" to me.  You don't want the beatings.  You don't want to give him the control to do what he wishes to do with you (if you did, you'd not have walked out and had him begging you to come back - putting yourself in control of the situation).  And the fact that you refer to fulfilling his wishes as "putting up with it" makes it clear you don't see yourself as a submissive at all.  So why put yourself through this when it's obvious it's not what you want?



Heinz -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 1:48:20 AM)

Did you ever hear about hard limits?
A Master should be proud of his sg.




CERCKL -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 2:05:14 AM)

On the other side...becoming who you aren't and putting it aside for over ten years and denying My self as a Dominant...all it succeeded in doing was losing who I was, made nobody happy...and prolonged the ending.
I again state, define who you are, know what you need and be...not for any others...your self.
Cynical ramblings brought to you by our sponser...
C

dammit truesub, I need My coffee, see what you've done...



CanadianGuy -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 2:25:10 AM)

I think you need to decide if it's what you want or not.  Ask him for time to think, maybe spend a bit of time on vacation (at a friend's or family member's house?).  Find out if you are going to submit and be his submissive/slave/slut/whatever you feel.  If you don't want to, then it's not going to work out, and you should begin the separating process.  If you want it, you should go all in, and give him EVERY SINGLE THING he desires.  Don't do anything illegal, and nothing that will permanently damage you physically or emotionally.  But if you want to be his, it sounds like he's going to want to see you take a spanking from another guy.  In my opinion he won't stop wanting it until he gets it, and then maybe he'll want it again, or something else.  He will push your limits because that is what dominants do.  If you don't want that to happen, don't waste more years.  Sorry and good luck.



Reilithion -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 2:52:52 AM)

Good advice from CanadianGuy. Get away, at least for a while, and think things over. Distance makes us wiser. It sucks but it's true. And don't come back with a definite answer until you're good and ready. You can come back with questions and/or negotiations, but don't jump straight back in unless you've come to the conclusion that it's what you really want.



IrishMist -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 5:06:25 AM)

For once I will say nothing more than that I agree totally with both ownedgirlie and Evanesce. I wish you luck.



LuckyAlbatross -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 6:02:57 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: Evanesce
 So why put yourself through this when it's obvious it's not what you want?

I think she likes the feeling of being desired, taken, rough sex, used, and loved for being able to please someone else.

So she may very well be a submissive, that's up to her to define in whatever relationship she likes.

However, this situation has nothing to do with love and everything to do with respect.  He's not respecting your needs (and yes, you need for him not to do this in order for you to be ok with yourself) and trying to pressure/blackmail you into it.  Make the strong choice, not the fearful one.



Alumbrado -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 6:21:48 AM)

quote:

To get me back home he told me he wouldn't make me do it. However, he has been pressing the issue again. I'm just not sure how much is too much to put up with for someone you love



This is the part that would cause me great concern.  Saying something one doesn't mean in order to get someone else to do what they don't want, rarely ends well.



namasteguardian -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 7:14:12 AM)

liz, are you familiar with the term "being an enabler"? It can occur in either sex, and basically means that one person allows another person to misuse them. By allowing your Master to misuse you without complaint, you are enabling him to continue to believe he has the right to use you any way he wants. You even state in your profile that you are looking for exactly what you don't want, it is what he wants. Most enablers have self-worth issues, and I'm wondering if you don't have the same. You state you love this guy, and yet you are unhappy with how he treats you. How can you love someone who mistreats you? Is it really that you love him, or that there is a deep co-dependency issue here.

In any event, as many have already said, this is not a healthy relationship. You said it yourself, you are losing yourself to make him happy. You are denying all your own needs exclusively for his needs, even when he pushes into areas you do not want to go. This relationship is more about abuse than love. You need to look deep within yourself and decide whether you love this man, or need him. If it is the latter, why is it that you need him above any other? Do you really need him, or are you afraid if you lose him, no-one will want you? In the end, this is really about taking responsibility for your own value and happiness. I truly hope you will take this all important step, because once you take responsibility for yourself, you will be in a much better place to understand whether you should remain in this current relationship or not.

I truly wish you the very best and hope you find the inner strength to really analyze what foundation exists between you and this guy, and whether it is healthy or not.

Namaste, Sir Dominic

"Life was not meant to be easy, but it was meant to be fun!"



windchymes -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 8:53:27 AM)

I'm not a big fan of the "If he loved me he would/wouldn't do........." line of reasoning.  But, I do believe that he is thinking only of his own gratification and doesn't care what toll it takes on you.  I would never ever be in a relationship of any kind with that dynamic, and would have ditched him by now.  But that's me. . 

If he can't appreciate you for who you are, then I think it's time to re-evaluate the relationship and what you really want.  I can tell from the tone of your posts that you're distressed and you are totally entitled to your feelings. There are no right or wrong feelings, only what's right for YOU.

Yes, I do think you will have to constantly do more and more to keep him happy, and nothing probably will ever be enough.  I see a problem with the fact that you are considering, as you say, taking beatings and doing things that you don't want to do just to "prove that you're worth keeping".  He's not the only dom in the world. Your picture is beautiful, I'm sure there are many many doms out there who would treat you the way you want to be treated.  Part of a D/s relationship is the Dom also keeping the sub happy, it's not totally about the Dom....unless you BOTH want it that way.  And what's wrong with HIM proving that HE'S worth keeping???

It's perfectly ok for a couple's wants and needs to change, it happens.  That doesn't make YOU a bad person.  I agree that you are probably not "right" for each other.  I do wish you the best! 



LoupdeMontagne -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 9:04:04 AM)

quote:

To get me back home he told me he wouldn't make me do it. However, he has been pressing the issue again. I'm just not sure how much is too much to put up with for someone you love..


Ok, I've got to say it. Everyone is being very very helpful with their advice but my first instinct is to say that these are things only you can decide. Make up your own damn mind.

If you want support because you're upset, you got it. If you want someone else to make up your mind for you, you're on your own.

Hephaestus
Chambre du Loup de Montagne



Mercnbeth -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 9:59:21 AM)

quote:

ORIGINAL: hislilprincess

...nor do I think I'd be a sub were I not with him...will it always be necessary to take a beating or do something I don't want to do to prove I'm worth keeping?

Liz


this slave would encourage you NOT to get into any sort of committed relationship until you can trust and know yourself enough to fully understand and appreciate the ability to live up to YOUR end of the deal--you claim to be slave to a Master, but to this slave it sounds more like you are submissive to your partner in your vanilla? relationship and a slave to the sensation of "being-in-a-relationship-with-someone-that-you-love-that-insists-you-ACT-like-a-slave-in-the-bedroom"...not that there is anything wrong with that, only that here you are complaining that it is rubbing you the wrong way to the point of "freaking out" and having to be placated by your "Master"in order for you to return.

quote:

In computer networking, master/slave is a model for a communication protocol in which one device or process (known as the master) controls one or more other devices or processes (known as slaves). Once the master/slave relationship is established, the direction of control is always from the master to the slave(s). The County of Los Angeles, saying the term master/slave may be offensive to some of its residents, has asked equipment manufacturers not to use the term. Some manufacturers prefer the term primary/secondary....orig...http://searchnetworking.techtarget.com/sDefinition


personally, this slave likes the above computer nerds explanation "...the direction of control is always from the master to the slave(s)".  anything else, to this slave, negates the Master/slave aspect.  no offense to computer nerds intended.
 
there are plenty of slaves who do all sorts of "acts" they don't personally enjoy, or would rather not do...it could be a beating, being fucked by someone else, performing tedious tasks such as housework, wearing or doing something humiliating, the list could go on and on...it has always been this slave's assumption that this is to be expected, nay, eagerly anticipated, especially if one is to serve a sadistic Master. 
 
the question isn't so much if one act or another is unacceptable or for how long, ...a better question would be: is being a SLAVE to another,(which is what you identify as per your profile), bound by your own integrity (because this goes beyond the scope of enforcing the relationship of Master/slave by the current laws of the country you live in) acceptable to you in the long run?



KittenWithaTwist -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 11:48:16 AM)

It's not worth it. If you're uncomfortable, you need to speak up.



Arpig -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 12:54:46 PM)

If he is a sadist, then it will likely never be too much, that is up until it becomes too much for you.
I am a bit of an anomaly in that I feel that the dominant has a responsibility to be the enabler, to allow the submissive to experience his.her fantasies as well as to fulfill the dominant's. The submissive surrenders control of their sexuality to the dominant, and the dominant has the responsibility to use that control to fulfill the submissive. To me it sounds like you have the wrong sort of dominant, no matter how much you may love him, he is into more extreme things than you



fastlane -> RE: When is it too much? (4/4/2006 1:09:58 PM)

There are Sadist and then there are SADIST. Many of us have a touch of sadism within ourself, I being one. However the extreme Sadist that I have come to know, will get their pleasure from other submissives, not their own if she does not have masochistic tendencies. I know this can create much discussion as well ( Put a Sadist and a Masochist in a room together and they are both bored!)
However my point is a Sadist can be loving too and should respect your limits!

Hope this helps, Kevin



hislilprincess -> RE: When is it too much? (4/6/2006 3:06:16 PM)

In response to namasteguardian, there is no self-worth issue. I know that there are a billion and one men out there who would treat me exactly how I want to be treated. But I doubt I would ever love any of them the way I love Mike. And LoupdeMontage, you're right. I shouldn't have come here looking for answers because this is my problem that only I can solve. I simply was upset and it seemed like a good idea at the time. But in reality, I guess a person can't really be of any help without knowing a whole situation fully and while all the advise is greatly appreciated and I value everyones opinions, it is my problem and I guess I'll have to figure things out myself. But thank you all for your responses.



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