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Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/11/2010 9:24:09 PM   
BerryDelicious


Posts: 8
Joined: 4/11/2010
Status: offline 		Whenever I do something bad like talk back, use casual disrespectful language, forget to do my chores, etc. my SO punishes me (he's not my master, we are pretty vanilla, I'm just submissive)

A lot of times the punishment is a spanking, with my panties pulled down over his lap, with his hand, a belt or a cane. It hurts and stings a lot but I usually don't cry and honestly I could take a lot more pain. There is a ton of humiliation and that part is effective but yeah..

Should I tell him it doesn't hurt enough? Or can I feel justified in keeping my mouth shut and just taking what I get and feel lucky? And if I should tell him how should I tell him?
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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/11/2010 9:27:46 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Are they effective? Is the purpose to make you cry from pain or to make you change your behavior? And are you changing your behavior?

I'm sure he knows you could take more pain, after all you haven't called red or broken down sobbing, locking yourself away from him.

Why not ask him what he's using this for? Just to underscore his displeasure or to release your guilt or what?

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/11/2010 9:29:22 PM   
DWCskitten


Posts: 199
Joined: 3/2/2010
Status: offline 		If you're submissive, why are you consistently not doing what you know you need to do? If you're doing it on purpose to get what you want, that's called Topping from the bottom.....not a good thing. Why don't you just ask him for what you want? Who knows, you might actually get it.....

~kitten~

< Message edited by DWCskitten -- 4/11/2010 9:32:08 PM >

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/11/2010 9:29:26 PM   
BerryDelicious


Posts: 8
Joined: 4/11/2010
Status: offline 		they are supposed to help me change my behavior. I am changing slowly but surely. I've learned to be more respectful. I still mess up a lot when I get emotional though

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/11/2010 10:07:06 PM   
OrpheusAgonistes


Posts: 253
Joined: 3/29/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BerryDelicious
Should I tell him it doesn't hurt enough? Or can I feel justified in keeping my mouth shut and just taking what I get and feel lucky? And if I should tell him how should I tell him?


You pretty clearly want to tell him.  So tell him.

Personally, I would say "Honey, I love you, but you hit like a pretty little Methodist girl in a dainty little yellow and pink sundress."  You may want to find a different way to phrase it.  Something like "You know honey, you're a big tough guy and I can tell you're holding back when you give me my spankings.  I just wanted you to know--you don't have to hold back quite so much.  I think I could probably take a little more." 


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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/11/2010 10:10:30 PM   
chewtoy89


Posts: 20
Status: offline 		If it was me I would not say anything. To me it is up to him to pick how hard not you. I am sure he knows you could take more but that may not be what he's going for. But you could always ask him what he's going for and go from there.

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/11/2010 10:42:36 PM   
CeriseNin


Posts: 286
Joined: 4/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BerryDelicious

they are supposed to help me change my behavior. I am changing slowly but surely. I've learned to be more respectful. I still mess up a lot when I get emotional though

Say nothing, instead, work hard on modifying your behaviour so that you no longer need the spankings...in theory. Learn to control how you react to your own emotions.

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/11/2010 11:49:45 PM   
reynardfox


Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		Like you said, he's not your Master. How do you expect a vanilla to take care of business? You want more than he can give, find yourself a Master or Mistress and get ready to glow.

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 1:27:37 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline 		You can feel totally justified in keeping your mouth shut and feeling lucky...
in my opinion feeling lucky is pretty much what you should get out of life...

so if some time you are feeling not so lucky because your punishment does not hurt enough, i would say then it is time to respectfully ask for a harder hand.

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 1:28:49 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hmm! Interesting...

Firstly, do you want more pain - do you think you'd enjoy it more? If so, then I'd definitely suggest you say something. My very first sub (the one who effectively introduced me to D/s) was very good at gently coaxing me to cane/spank her harder - initially she would simply say "that doesn't hurt!", then as we knew eachother better she felt able to express her needs and wants more directly.

If you're realling getting off on it - then simply saying "Harder!" at the right moment should do the trick.

But I would never punish her with a spanking or a caning, she enjoyed them too much - If you also enjoy the pain and humiliation of a spanking perhaps your SO should reserve spanking for play and devise another form of punishment - something that (hopefully) you enjoy a lot less. I'm not suggesting that this would work in your case but Vero (the sub I've just mentioned) hated "corner time" - being ignored was a real punishment for her - and far more likely to elicit a change in behaviour than spanking.

quote:

ORIGINAL: OrpheusAgonistes
You pretty clearly want to tell him.  So tell him.

Personally, I would say "Honey, I love you, but you hit like a pretty little Methodist girl in a dainty little yellow and pink sundress."


Grin  - Yup, that would get the desired result from me!

quote:

ORIGINAL: chewtoy89

If it was me I would not say anything. To me it is up to him to pick how hard not you. I am sure he knows you could take more but that may not be what he's going for. But you could always ask him what he's going for and go from there.


Hey chewtoy89 - If you and your Dom have a close enough relationship I think it's fair to assume he'll pick it up, but I personally would hate it if a sub felt unfulfilled without telling me - Yes, I'd be a little disappointed in myself for not picking up on it, but I would prefer to be told.



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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 2:04:28 AM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		In the middle of a spanking casually look over your shoulder and tell him he hits like a girl!

BadOne

< Message edited by SailingBum -- 4/12/2010 2:05:27 AM >

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 3:54:17 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i could suggest that its not hurting enough because youre a masso and need way more than he can deliver.  youre acting up in order to get the spankings you need but theyre not enough so you act up some more. in short theyre not really working for you on any level

youre looking for catharsis, to struggle, cry and feel like youre really being made to feel sorry and its not happening.  so yeah, tell him - its a need you have he isnt scratching hard enough.

have you ever thought of just asking for a spanking without the acting up.  clearly its something you both need in youre relationship so why not be up front and honest from the start.

tell him that you need the catharsis, you need the humiliation and itll help you to keep youreself straight and that you need him to hit harder so you cry.

agree on a safe word and just ask him to go for it - you dont need to be a pain in the arse to be spanked.  sometimes, folks like us just need it to level us, help us focus and see straight.  you might want to accept that element in you rather than keep manipulating youre partner.

if he's finding reasons to spank you, then id suggest he enjoys it too.  maybe this punishment dynamic works for you.  but from what i can tell, he's just playing with this as a bit of fun and isnt aware that youre massochistic needs are not being met.  youll keep pushing his buttons for more and youll just get frustrated and eventually, in time the game will get a bit tired.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 4/12/2010 4:36:36 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 4:32:57 AM   
PrimalConsonance


Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BerryDelicious

Whenever I do something bad like talk back, use casual disrespectful language, forget to do my chores, etc. my SO punishes me (he's not my master, we are pretty vanilla, I'm just submissive)

A lot of times the punishment is a spanking, with my panties pulled down over his lap, with his hand, a belt or a cane. It hurts and stings a lot but I usually don't cry and honestly I could take a lot more pain. There is a ton of humiliation and that part is effective but yeah..

Should I tell him it doesn't hurt enough? Or can I feel justified in keeping my mouth shut and just taking what I get and feel lucky? And if I should tell him how should I tell him?



Got to get the right dog...that dog don't hunt.  Expecting a vanilla to spank you good is ridiculous and about as useful as tits on a bull.  Improve your behavior, and quit baiting this poor vanilla when not around your dominant (this sort of thing is bad if you have a dominant, since it means you don't have the dominant in your mind to start with).  Forgetting to do your chores?  Stop it.  And take that cane out of your vanilla-man's hands...it's a dangerous toy. 

What are you really doing?  If you want some decent spanking, then get a proper dominant to do it.  And the best way to do that is be real and put up a real profile, and that would mean I don't quite believe your post to begin with.  It's all about making an effort to be better...whether it is being a better submissive, or whatever you are.  Show a better effort on that profile as well, and make it more believable too.  


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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 4:39:02 AM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		It sounds more like he's into taken in hand, domestic discipline than s & m. But if it's working, then it is hard enough.

What do you mean by messing up when you're emotional? Do you call him names, try to hurt him, draw away from him? And what do you need from him when you're emotional? Would a hug help you more than a spanking if you could come to him, tell him you're in a bad mood and need to be held?

Better to ask for what you want than have him trying to fix things after the fact. And something for him to consider, it is when people act most unloving that they need love the most.

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 4:44:06 AM   
CaringandReal


Posts: 1397
Joined: 2/15/2008
Status: offline 		Yes, tell him it doesn't hurt enough.

How to tell him? Just simply state it as you see it, the whole thing. You have not mentioned any "rules of speech" between you two, so if they're aren't any, just speak completely and honestly, holding nothing back.

I've used Orpheus's first approach for myself, but I like to live dangerously, I also know how to finesse such a statement (if such a statement can be finessed with one's given partner) and also what to expect if it backfires. ;) I wouldn't recommend you try it at home, uless you really, really like a lot of pain.

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 4:56:14 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DesFIP

It sounds more like he's into taken in hand, domestic discipline than s & m. But if it's working, then it is hard enough.

What do you mean by messing up when you're emotional? Do you call him names, try to hurt him, draw away from him? And what do you need from him when you're emotional? Would a hug help you more than a spanking if you could come to him, tell him you're in a bad mood and need to be held?

Better to ask for what you want than have him trying to fix things after the fact. And something for him to consider, it is when people act most unloving that they need love the most.


i cant double quote but i would wager that the bit about 'alot of the punishment is over his lap with my panties pulled down' denotes someone who is into the humiliation of spanking and wants to talk and share.

what im feeling here is someone who wants to feel a hard unremitting spanking and she's not getting it.   - truelly the only way around this is to stop pissing about, get honest with youreself and ask for what you want and need.

the problem might be is that if he is a 'Taking in Hand' kinda guy then the whole punishment thing is set in stone and they generally reject BDSM as filthy kinky sickness.  ive visited that site and i had to leave, it was so annoying.  my worst nightmare really.  people kidding themselves that they hate to spank their SO and their SO hates to be spanked - rheams and rheams of this self denial going on.  so, each to their own.

the other problem is that the minute she admits that she wants and needs more the whole punishment thing gets turned on its head somewhat.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to DesFIP)
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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 5:14:56 AM   
loverly


Posts: 236
Joined: 1/23/2004
Status: offline 		on the cautions about Him being nilla... well.. Everyone started somewhere! sheesh! give the guy a break.. at least He is trying!!

Communication is the MOST IMPORTANT thing... i agree with talking to Him and letting him know where you stand on this and what your needs are.
Practice makes perfect! He seems to be trying for you.

(in reply to lally2)
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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 5:20:27 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: loverly

on the cautions about Him being nilla... well.. Everyone started somewhere! sheesh! give the guy a break.. at least He is trying!!

Communication is the MOST IMPORTANT thing... i agree with talking to Him and letting him know where you stand on this and what your needs are.
Practice makes perfect! He seems to be trying for you.


i agree - he is doing what he thinks is working on some level or another.  he cannot possibly mind read and because hes a nilla he may well not know about this need in you to be subjugated, hurt till you struggle and cry.  its not something to feel awkward about, its you and youre 'thing'.  if he cant then at least youve had the talk and you can go from there.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to loverly)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 5:32:23 AM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline 		Yes, have a talk with him.  But not the talk you envision.

The problem is not that he's not spanking you hard enough.  It's that you want regular sessions and he's not giving them to you. Sit him down and explain to him that you need a certain amount of play and release every so often.  Can he give that to you?  I'd avoid using the term D/s because a lot of people think of high protocol with slaves that are naked and dressed in leather and all that nonsense.

The situation you want to avoid is when you crave the punishments and act out to get them.


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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 5:38:59 AM   
sirguym


Posts: 318
Joined: 8/10/2007
Status: offline 		Just ask him, "has he swatted that fly yet?. That'll work, without your having to ask!

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