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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 5:51:42 AM   
LadyPact


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Yes, tell him exactly that.  Then, also tell him that you might enjoy the spankings just for fun, rather than a punishment.  Has the thought occurred to you that if you masochistic wants were being met, you wouldn't have the unconscious behavioral problems that you are using to manipulate him into spanking you in the first place?


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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 7:04:23 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		It seems to me that you lack in both submission and self discipline. The latter is not a very attractive trait in any type of partner. If I were you, I'd be worrying a lot more about what YOU'RE going to do about it that what you want out of him. It is ludicrous to think that corporal punishment could ever replace internal strength and discipline. Whatever problem there is lies within YOU, not his spanking skills. When you realize that, you will be significantly closer to getting somewhere useful.

Now, onto the "should I tell him" part. You are in a relationship. Relationships begin and end at communication. To the extent you communicate with him, you're relationship is strong. To the extent you don't it's weak. So you decide whether you should tell him or not. But I agree with others, that what you need to tell him is not that his spankings aren't hard enough to change your behavior. I'd be saying something like, 'Honey, I think I'm a masochist and maybe we should try regular play sessions."

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 7:28:59 AM   
BerryDelicious


Posts: 8
Joined: 4/11/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks everyone who responded.

Though I am very emotionally fulfilled by the pain-humiliation combo, and fantasizing about it does turn me on, in the actual moment it hurts and I don't like it, and I do actively try to avoid getting punished.

I'm not acting out to get him to spank me, I usually only have to get spanked once or twice a month.

I think the reason I'm looking for it to hurt more is that I'm looking for an emotional release or something that will soften my sometimes problematic attitude.

(in reply to LadyPact)
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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 7:46:58 AM   
CeriseNin


Posts: 286
Joined: 4/8/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BerryDelicious

Thanks everyone who responded.

Though I am very emotionally fulfilled by the pain-humiliation combo, and fantasizing about it does turn me on, in the actual moment it hurts and I don't like it, and I do actively try to avoid getting punished.

I'm not acting out to get him to spank me, I usually only have to get spanked once or twice a month.

I think the reason I'm looking for it to hurt more is that I'm looking for an emotional release or something that will soften my sometimes problematic attitude.


Tell him that word for word.

(in reply to BerryDelicious)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 7:57:19 AM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Next time he is spanking you, just look over your shoulder defiantly and say, "Is that all you got?"

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 12:22:01 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BerryDelicious

.I think the reason I'm looking for it to hurt more is that I'm looking for an emotional release or something that will soften my sometimes problematic attitude.

so, what he's doing isnt working basically.  youre not getting the catharsis because you cant take the pain.  again, punishment isnt the way forward here.  youre behaving in such a way that provokes punishment because its feeding a need but whats happening isnt satisfying you.  you really need to talk to him.
 
there are ways of being spanked that start out slow to warm you up, its a gradual, slow and careful melt down.  because it takes a time the effect is that you do soften, you are put in that place you want but the pain is a different pain to the negative pain of punishment because youre headspace is different.  it can take all night if you need it to, broken up with other things, some sex maybe.  the whole package involves taking you to that submissive, settled place you yearn for.  basically he is DOMINATING you, controlling youre body, reading youre reactions, easing up when it gets too much, adding a bit more when he feels you can take it, gradually, bit by little bit you feel his absolute control over every aspect of youre body and mind.  in the end you feel taken, satiated and absolved, catharsis is there when he holds you and wipes youre tears away.  you feel safe, cherished, valued and very proud of youreself.

YOU NEED TO TALK TO THIS GUY or find youreself a Dominant who knows what he's doing and wont reward youre behaviour with punishment and so repeat this stupid cycle youre in of negative behaviour met with negative reinforcement



< Message edited by lally2 -- 4/12/2010 1:15:30 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 4:25:27 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		Don't mix catharsis with punishment. Bad headspace, that.

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Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 8:27:02 PM   
ResidentSadist


Posts: 12580
Joined: 2/11/2007
From: a mean old Daddy, but I like you - Joni Mitchell
Status: offline 		Next time he is spanking you, totally ignore that you're being spanked. Then after a minute or so ask, "have you started yet?"

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Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 8:42:28 PM   
DWCskitten


Posts: 199
Joined: 3/2/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
It seems to me that you lack in both submission and self discipline. The latter is not a very attractive trait in any type of partner.

This. i absolutely agree.

~kitten~

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RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 8:55:50 PM   
lovingpet


Posts: 4270
Joined: 6/19/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BerryDelicious

I think the reason I'm looking for it to hurt more is that I'm looking for an emotional release or something that will soften my sometimes problematic attitude.



Perhaps adjusting your problematic focus would help.  Did you ever consider his hurt and disappointment every time you decide to act out and defy him?  All the focus is on you.  Last I checked, your primary concern is to be pleasing to and serving HIM.  If you want an attitude adjustment, then take a long hard look at that man's face the next time you decide to be ugly with him.  Maybe that will hurt more than any spanking he could ever give you.  Then again, probably not.  This is all about you and giving you what you want.  It is definitely NOT a focus conducive to a healthy and meaningful D/s relationship (unless of course he likes that sort of thing).  Get your attention back where it belongs, on your partner.

lovingpet

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Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/12/2010 10:46:29 PM   
Whiplashsmile4


Posts: 2305
Joined: 12/2/2008
Status: offline 		I don't know if you should or not. you need to make up your mind about it.

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Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/13/2010 1:36:39 AM   
ranja


Posts: 2111
Joined: 11/1/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: CeriseNin


quote:

ORIGINAL: BerryDelicious

Thanks everyone who responded.

Though I am very emotionally fulfilled by the pain-humiliation combo, and fantasizing about it does turn me on, in the actual moment it hurts and I don't like it, and I do actively try to avoid getting punished.

I'm not acting out to get him to spank me, I usually only have to get spanked once or twice a month.

I think the reason I'm looking for it to hurt more is that I'm looking for an emotional release or something that will soften my sometimes problematic attitude.


Tell him that word for word.


Yes that, and also ask him if he would consider hurting you without it being connected to punishment, as celeste said; catharsis through punishment might be a bad mix of things.

(in reply to CeriseNin)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/13/2010 5:38:13 AM   
favesclava


Posts: 1608
Joined: 2/15/2007
Status: offline 		we have a saying el que no habla Dios no lo oye. he who doesnt speak god doesnt hear.
i once made the mistake of telling Master i wasnt sore enough after a night if play. the look he gave spoke volumes. i was very afraid of the next time. i knew i would never ever be " not sore enough".

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Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/13/2010 7:53:05 AM   
LeatherBentOne


Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: reynardfox

Like you said, he's not your Master. How do you expect a vanilla to take care of business? You want more than he can give, find yourself a Master or Mistress and get ready to glow.



Exactly.

Also, dont forget the social stigma of hitting a woman.  Maybe he's wrestilng with it.  That would be my first guess, so give him time.  There are many things you could say to him, and many ways to say them, to get what you want.

Frankly, you seem to be more of a bottom to me than a sub who is out to please him rather than please yourself.  Also, has he been around kinky couples to see what they do?  His reaction to this may clue you in as to how much further he is comfy to go.  If his response isnt what you want or need, Id suggest you look elsewhere.

LBO

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Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/13/2010 8:30:31 AM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I felt very guilty for enjoying it physically, one of the two times I was punished in my previous relationship as a submissive. I was crying at the time, and it did hurt, and I felt badly that I had disappointed him, but I'm masochistic enough, and had been conditioned to enjoy hurting *for* him, past the point where it did feel good, that it was still well within my pain tolerance for normal play. It really messed with my head the next few times that we played over the course of a week or two.

I agree with the others that you should separate wanting to reach catharsis and wanting punishment as atonement, and that punishing you in a way that feeds your kinks/gets you off isn't a good idea if it is actually intended to be punishment. I can understand being in a bad/confused headspace about it, though. Anyway, definitely talk it over with him, and try as much as you can (maybe writing things down) to figure out exactly what you do need, what you do want, both physically and emotionally/headspace.

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Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/13/2010 8:33:37 AM   
takemeforyourown


Posts: 430
Joined: 2/24/2007
Status: offline 		If I want my vanilla husband to spank me harder I just say, "that's not hard enough". Simple enough. However, he and I don't have a D/s relationship, so I don't have to worry very much about saying that. Spanking for me is just play.

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Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/14/2010 12:09:41 PM   
poeticfreak


Posts: 80
Joined: 6/1/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: DarkSteven

Yes, have a talk with him.  But not the talk you envision.

The problem is not that he's not spanking you hard enough.  It's that you want regular sessions and he's not giving them to you. Sit him down and explain to him that you need a certain amount of play and release every so often.  Can he give that to you?  I'd avoid using the term D/s because a lot of people think of high protocol with slaves that are naked and dressed in leather and all that nonsense.

The situation you want to avoid is when you crave the punishments and act out to get them.


this, how hard he is or isn't spanking you isn't really the issue but rather a symptom.  sit down with him and have a long talk you being a sub and what that means to you and what you really want.  if he's spanking you then he's probably already picked up on it a little bit and is trying to go with it, but isn't sure how far to take things.  plan ahead for this talk, spend a few days thinking about who you are and what you want, and set aside a large chunk of time to discuss this, and understand that if you're coming at him with this out of the blue then it will take several long discussions before anything is settled


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Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/15/2010 2:13:28 AM   
kadine


Posts: 14
Joined: 8/11/2006
Status: offline 		I couldn't come right -out- and ask for a harder spanking. I don't know why, perhaps because inside, I am of the mind that what he's doing, is pleasing him and that's the objective, yes? well, I kinda told him in a roundabout way.. "Sir, you hit like a girl! It's sooo sweet!"
THAT was the ONLY time I ever said it and from then on, it was happy spanking! lol

(in reply to sirguym)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/19/2010 7:38:57 PM   
LaceyMadison


Posts: 15
Joined: 4/16/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: SailingBum

In the middle of a spanking casually look over your shoulder and tell him he hits like a girl!

BadOne


Hahaha yea I'd do something like that (just do it cheeky/flirty like tho so you arn't ego axing ;)).

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Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Should I tell him the spankings don't hurt enough - 4/19/2010 8:42:14 PM   
BerryDelicious


Posts: 8
Joined: 4/11/2010
Status: offline 		This problem actually resolved itself without my having to do anything. He has been reading a book about S&M and decided to give me a *real* spanking, which turned out to be like nothing I've ever felt before, especially in terms of humiliation.

It lasted about 45 minutes, with 10 minute blocks of spanking increasing in severity broken up by 5 minute blocks of standing in the corner. It hurt so badly I wanted to beg him to stop but he didn't allow me to speak unless spoken to except to cry out from pain. I was pretty good about it until the last block when he caned me and I couldn't hold back from crying and begging because I was so scared. He made me look at my butt in the mirror towards the end and it was so red.

He said I'm going to get this once a week, and as long as I'm good I won't get caned though. I was so humiliated the whole time I think it did produce a positive change!

(in reply to LadyPact)
Profile   Post #: 40
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