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RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/15/2010 6:32:49 PM   
VaguelyCurious


Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline 		Yeah, the concept of DomiSpooge would frighten me too.

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Profile   Post #: 41
RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/15/2010 7:11:31 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		Trust isn't an absolute on/off condition. For example, you can trust someone to not seriously injure or kill you, but not trust him to listen to you or abide by his promise or respect your boundaries, as in this case. Another example is someone might be trusted not to steal from you, but can't be trusted to use your computer without sneaking around or use your bathroom without being nosy about what is in your cabinet and drawers. I've had a similar situation happen a couple of times, years ago, with vanilla guys. I told them not to do a specific thing, and they tried to sneak it in during other activities. I yelled at them and dumped each of them. So far, it hasn't happened in a BDSM context - I think the communication and safewords help discourage it.

Aileen, as far as I can tell from her posts, she wasn't in a relationship with this guy, so I disagree that he had authority to override her limits, as he might if they were in a D/s or M/s relationship. When I've played casually, I've set boundaries on sexual activity - no genital contact, and I will yellow if I get too aroused (if I'm bottoming, if I'm topping, then that most likely wouldn't be necessary). It's not that I get panicky. I'm just ok with casual play, but not interested at all in casual sex. If someone disregarded that boundary and didn't stop after I'd called both yellow and red, I'd be extremely pissed off at them. I might not press charges or get violent - it would probably depend on what they did exactly, but I sure wouldn't play with them and probably wouldn't want to speak to them again. Usually I've only played casually in more public situations, so I could generally yell "safeword" and the DM would intervene, but there have been a couple of exceptions when I knew the person well and we'd been friends for a long time. I wouldn't trust him to respect me or keep his word. However, I probably wouldn't jump to the conclusion that he was going to dismember and kill me.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 4/15/2010 7:14:06 PM >

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 42
RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/16/2010 12:08:27 AM   
domiguy


Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite



Aileen, as far as I can tell from her posts, she wasn't in a relationship with this guy, so I disagree that he had authority to override her limits, as he might if they were in a D/s or M/s relationship. When I've played casually, I've set boundaries on sexual activity - no genital contact, and I will yellow if I get too aroused (if I'm bottoming, if I'm topping, then that most likely wouldn't be necessary). It's not that I get panicky. I'm just ok with casual play, but not interested at all in casual sex.


Why did you even bother adding this to the conversation? It has no bearing on what transpired or what the OP endured.

I, too, often yellow when I get aroused. Then I come to my senses and fuck the shit out of her. We even sometimes touch genitals...eeewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!



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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/16/2010 5:52:39 AM   
WinsomeDefiance


Posts: 6719
Joined: 8/7/2007
Status: offline 		Slo18, I think you are more dangerous to him, than he is to you.  Mixed signals during sexual activities puts your partner in a DANGEROUS situation.  Look at how quickly just discussing this situation has gone to mention of rape and assualt.

I think you need to nix the use of a safeword. 

The purpose and intent of the safeword is being abused by you both.  Stop it.  Take responsibility for your actions, and hold him accountable for his as well.  If you are going to use a safeword, then expect that it will and should stop the scene - not at his whim, not at yours.  When you allow your safeword to be ignored, and continue to engage in activities with this person, YOU are telling your partner that you are consenting to his actions and negating the actual purpose of the safeword.  To say otherwise is to be dishonest with yourself.

My personal opinion? Accept your need to surrender.  Give yourself over to it.  Let the person you trust bring you to places you can't go without it - and stop hiding behind a safeword you don't even respect or appear to want for yourself anyway.

Seriously.  Do you really want to paint the person who makes you this happy as a rapist?  That just sucks.


(in reply to January)
Profile   Post #: 44
RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/16/2010 6:47:31 AM   
JstAnotherSub


Posts: 6174
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Jeffff


Tolerance is something we pretend to have as we type on these boards.




may i steal that?

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yep

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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/16/2010 6:51:18 AM   
Jeffff


Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
Status: offline 		feel free....:)

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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/16/2010 9:39:50 AM   
slo18


Posts: 125
Status: offline 		winsome, i have never called this man a rapiest and say in a post i posted on the second page when people were useing that word, that i do not feel he raped me, i do not feel he sexualy assalted me. if other people want to say what he did was rape i cant stop them from saying or thinking it was the case i can say that i do not feel that way.
i dont understand what you mean by mixed signals how ever. when i said read i struggled closed my legs and moved away in the prossess nearly kicking him in the face ( i wasnt attempting to kick him he was just sorta in the way and it got really close to kicking him) how is struggling, closeing my legs shouting red red red red red and moveing away in any way mixed signals? yes i accepted his comfort after ward but its part of his job as the dominant to provide comfort when they have been upset or overwhelmed durieng play. so as you can see i am very confused on where the mixed signal was. and I NEVER play with out a safe word. i do play cassualy, i have played with this man 5 times. he is not someone i am in a relationship with other then as ocasional play partners. i did not try to paint him as a rapiest , i do not want to see him painted with that brush. how ever i have no control over how people interprite what i put up. to some people pushhing past a safe word is the same as rape. to other people it is harmless its a murky area.

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if god and the adorer call, tell them my prophet shall call their prophet, for I am in meetings verily till the end of time.

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/16/2010 1:29:56 PM   
DomJoe64


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/10/2010
Status: offline 		Though it has been said before my concern is the bad use and reaction to the safe word.

In regard to the Dom safeword is just that stop and now is it time to find out why the sub is in an beyond there capability situation.

In regard to the sub a safe word should be used for a a sitautoin where your trust in your Dom is not enough, if you think of it that way you will find it is only needed in the most dire is circumstances.

I always discourage the use is common safewords like red and the like this preserves the gravity of its use and causes the sub to not frequently use them.

As always take what you chose from this but I felt it really needed to be said.

(in reply to domiguy)
Profile   Post #: 48
RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/16/2010 4:11:09 PM   
slo18


Posts: 125
Status: offline 		Domjoe are you saying that screaming red in the middle of a panic attack while playing with a casual play partner ( who by the very nature of casual means not one that you are in a relationship with and there for not someone who knows your limits compleatlly ) is a missuse of the safe word and that it is not dire enough to warrent safewording out?

last time i cheacked no one else resided in this body but me. so no one else knows what i feel physicaly or emotionaly. it is part of my duty as a submissive to let the dominant that i am playing with know when my limits have been reached. it is unresonable to expect him to guess. this is doubly important when casualy playing. a casual play partner isnt going to know that oral sex triggers flash backs, or that i have no tolerince levels for heat play but can handle cold like an eskimo. its my job to tell him thease things befor hand, its also my job to tell him if something else is going wrong like a panic attack. and the only way to do that in a manner that will be taken seriosly is by safewording. some how this thread turned into a debate on the value and use of safe words. when i started it i just needed a sounding board to figure out what was going on in my head. not as a debate on safe words and who was wrong because i do think we both were. i was wrong to let the other incidents slide, and he was wrong to ignore my safe word.



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if god and the adorer call, tell them my prophet shall call their prophet, for I am in meetings verily till the end of time.

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Profile   Post #: 49
RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/16/2010 4:48:47 PM   
Frostbearr


Posts: 20
Joined: 2/19/2010
Status: offline 		slo18,
You are absolutely correct. A safe word is a safe word. BUT before you do decide to go back, I would suggest some professional help also. The issue you are having is strongly either a physiological or psychological issue and may be easily fixed. You need to be able to trust yourself before you leap into trusting someone else with your life. Get some idea what it is, and then, maybe you can break from the fear that is compelling you to hide from satisfaction. Good luck and keep us posted

(in reply to slo18)
Profile   Post #: 50
RE: safeword ,,,question, or confuseion... or well i ... - 4/27/2010 1:12:05 PM   
dragon200070


Posts: 93
Joined: 2/9/2010
Status: offline 		Not a good reason to continue with this jerk. Red is always red. What you need is someone who's more anxious for a personal relationship and more understanding; then some work to build trust.

Any good Dom with a vibrator can make you come. However, chemistry is needed too. If you trusted your Dom, you'd have no problem coming. The answer is to find a good Dom, spend time talking, and them do it with trust.

In no way should you play with a Dom who fails to stop when you say red.

Jeff

(in reply to slo18)
Profile   Post #: 51
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