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D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/4/2006 3:56:04 PM   
MissyRane


Posts: 1032
Joined: 5/11/2005
Status: offline 		...I've been thinking(oh lordy she's been thinking O.O)  is there less opportunity to find the one you want to grow old with in D/s? Of course collarme isn't a list over all the D/s people in the world but I just find so many profiles by "older" Dom(me)'s that are looking for a long term or their soulmate or something...I don't know but there're just so many of them that I just started wondering if the vanilla made it somehow easier to find your soulmate(not that everyone does!!)..just thinking
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RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/4/2006 4:00:28 PM   
BitaTruble


Posts: 9779
Joined: 1/12/2006
From: Texas
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissyRane

...I've been thinking(oh lordy she's been thinking O.O)  is there less opportunity to find the one you want to grow old with in D/s? Of course collarme isn't a list over all the D/s people in the world but I just find so many profiles by "older" Dom(me)'s that are looking for a long term or their soulmate or something...I don't know but there're just so many of them that I just started wondering if the vanilla made it somehow easier to find your soulmate(not that everyone does!!)..just thinking


You can't catch trout in the ocean. They live fresh water and don't dwell where you're fishing. ;)

Celeste

_____________________________

"Oh, so it's just like
Rock, paper, scissors."

He laughed. "You are the wisest woman I know."


(in reply to MissyRane)
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RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/4/2006 4:05:25 PM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		I think trying to find someone in D/s limits the availability pool.  You can find someone in D/s but then the business of a relationship happens and frankly the odds of it lasting are slim.  Sometimes you have to be more flexible in order to find your lifetime relationship.  I am married to a switch and I am a sub.  It is not totally a match in the D/s lifestyle but on a whole we are great together.  We work to make each other feel satisfied.  If I had looked for a Dom only, I would have missed out on the happiness I now have.

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to MissyRane)
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RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/4/2006 6:47:11 PM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline 		I must be one of those older ones you are referring to.  LOL
Honestly, even without the play, I could get married tomorrow if I was willing to compromise and force Myself back into the more traditional role.  But I'm not willing to compromise.  Been there...done that.  It is the power exchange that does it for Me, and it is hard enough to find a complete power exchange in this lifestyle.  It is much easier to find temporary play partners, than someone who actually wants a more permanent relationship.
I date vanilla all the time, and trust Me when I say that the old conventions still hold, even with younger men.  Dominas are unusual and even males who claim to be submissive have a hard time with the flip flop in the relationship.  It is hard, and I don't think it will get any easier anytime soon.
 

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


(in reply to MissyRane)
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RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/4/2006 7:33:11 PM   
NakedOnMyChain


Posts: 2431
Joined: 11/29/2004
From: Indiana
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissyRane

...I've been thinking(oh lordy she's been thinking O.O)  is there less opportunity to find the one you want to grow old with in D/s? Of course collarme isn't a list over all the D/s people in the world but I just find so many profiles by "older" Dom(me)'s that are looking for a long term or their soulmate or something...I don't know but there're just so many of them that I just started wondering if the vanilla made it somehow easier to find your soulmate(not that everyone does!!)..just thinking


It's harder to find someone, anyone in the lifestyle because there are less of us than there are of the general population.  If it's a must that your partner is into the lifestyle it's understandable that a soulmate is harder to find because you've cut a significant chunk of the population out of your search.  I had no problem finding the man I want to grow old with, but he's a vanilla recruit who fortunately came to enjoy what I enjoy. 

_____________________________

"Oh, it's torture, but I'm almost there."
~The Cure

"I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave."
~The Labyrinth

(in reply to MissyRane)
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RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/4/2006 9:00:14 PM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline 		It's no easier to make a long term relationship work in vanilla than it is in Ds, it's not really harder either.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MissyRane)
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RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/4/2006 9:11:27 PM   
slavejali


Posts: 2918
Status: offline 		I dont really see D/s as a kink. There are heaps of dominant and submissive people in the world living together in vanilla relationships and domination and submission is alive and well in their relationship even if they dont label it.. So your chances of finding a dominant or submissive partner are pretty good wherever you look.

As far as finding someone that wants the D/s AND the kink...that might be harder to find.

_____________________________

Freedom in Bondage

Different Strokes for Different Folks

"I'll always have a *soft spot* for Sadists"

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
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RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/4/2006 9:30:05 PM   
knotnilla


Posts: 47
Joined: 12/5/2004
Status: offline 		Well to me, the weird part about finding a Dom, and admitting you are looking for a D/s partner is the whole sexual aspect.  It is highly likely that before you even meet anyone from here, you have given some indication of your sexual likes and dislikes. This does not happen in the vanilla world. But most of the time, you meet a prospect and it IS a vanilla date,  it IMNSHO should be a vanilla meet. and yet they know some very intimate sexual details about you that the average guy you meet ( who could be into D/s for all you know) would not know. I enjoy vanilla dating and getting to know a prospective Master. I am not the type person who wants to play with whoever I decide to meet (NTTAWWT) , it's just not me.  Just because I may like to be "His" slut doesn't mean I am fucking all the Doms at collarme.  I think that because we are so open sexually, online about the D/s part, some guys who may or may not be Doms... want to race to the next level.

Am I wrong?

(in reply to slavejali)
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RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/4/2006 9:45:35 PM   
MrRodgers


Posts: 10542
Joined: 7/30/2005
Status: offline 		Iam not sure about D/s because for me they are more likely to be temporary unless evolved or evolving into a M/s relationship. As for M/s vs Vanilla
 
First, this is referring to the master who has and the slave who is...totally owned property...the traditional, yes traditional 24/7 live-in affair of a collared slave. Vanilla relationships by their very nature can and do present problems and those most caused by the continued or perceived doubts of power. Therein lies my problem with the expression Total Power Exchange. The proper and yes, traditional master/slave relationship to me is one of Total Power Loss. Isn't it ? When and just how does a slave wield power ? The slave does not.
 
Yes there are compromises, but they are few and once settled are no longer any issue. Therein lies the beauty and the most emotionally and viscerally compelling difference in a M/s relationship, isn't it ? There are no doubts about power and are unlike the vanilla compromises that all too often are attained only by verbal gymnastics using adjectives to hold the content capable of incompatible interpretations. It appears, power in a vanilla relationship is all too often vague and anbiguous and I've witnessed this myself. Those compromises in the M/s affair are not so much about what we do but how far we go.
 
Without the kink and fetishes...some even call this the traditional 50's household...and those are the vanilla ones usually still intact (married).

(in reply to MissyRane)
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RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/4/2006 10:59:49 PM   
NaturalSelection


Posts: 4
Joined: 3/1/2006
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissyRane

...I've been thinking(oh lordy she's been thinking O.O) is there less opportunity to find the one you want to grow old with in D/s? Of course collarme isn't a list over all the D/s people in the world but I just find so many profiles by "older" Dom(me)'s that are looking for a long term or their soulmate or something...I don't know but there're just so many of them that I just started wondering if the vanilla made it somehow easier to find your soulmate(not that everyone does!!)..just thinking


Yes, in terms of sheer mathematics it is more difficult to find the one you want to grow old with in D/s or M/s but trust me whether you're talking vanilla OR in the lifestyle it's worth the wait, you're still young...

_____________________________

"First, you must purify yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka"

-Prince, in a rare moment of levity in a really bad movie

(in reply to MissyRane)
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RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/4/2006 11:49:19 PM   
masochistecstacy


Posts: 41
Joined: 2/20/2005
Status: offline 		I can't imagine myself in a completely vanilla relationship. Of course, the only real relationships I've had have been of the lifestyle, so maybe I'm biased. *thinks about that for a moment* Wow, I'd never considered the fact that I've never had a nilla relationship. But moving on... I can't see myself personally looking for someone nilla to spend the rest of my life with, because there would be a part of me that would forever be on hold, unsatisfied. And like it or not, it's a major part of me. I need to have someone Dominant to control me in a relationship, whether it sounds flaky or not. I'm also a little biased, because I'm watching one of my best friends, my twin sister now, who's lack of control and Dominance in her nilla relationship almost ruined she and her fiance's relationship. Because she didn't have that "firm hand" to control her, she went looking for it elsewhere, and it almost ruined her future with the man she loved.

_____________________________


(in reply to NaturalSelection)
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RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/5/2006 12:08:29 AM   
GoddessDustyGold


Posts: 2822
Joined: 4/11/2004
From: Arizona
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers

Without the kink and fetishes...some even call this the traditional 50's household...and those are the vanilla ones usually still intact (married).


Which is what I seek!  However, as a FemDom it is much harder to find.  It is easy to meet the submissive boys, yeah, even the ones who say they are or want to be slaves, but they are driven by a hard cock. All is wonderful in paradise as long as they are getting their fetishes fed, and they are being dominated according to their particular fantasy.  
I consider the kink to be a bonus...the basis of the relationship is the power I wield...the power I am happily given.  Most of the boys have not evolved enough to be comfortable with handing over that much power.  There is another thread going on right now about "sex getting in the way of submission".  For many, submission is directly attached to the sexual gratification.  The giving and the service, in and of itself, is not enough of a reward.  
I know there are some out there who have the understanding and desire for this type of relationship.  But My experience has shown them to be few and far between.  So I haven't found Mine yet.       

_____________________________

Dusty
They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety
B Franklin
Don't blame Me ~ I didn't vote for either of them
The Hidden Kingdom


(in reply to MrRodgers)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/5/2006 4:48:46 AM   
sweetpleaser


Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline 		jali, this is true, my late husband and I had a nilla relationship that was pure power exchange but we didn't label it.  It had nothing to do with kinky sex.  It is possible to find someone like NOMC did and explore your kink together.

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to slavejali)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/5/2006 4:59:11 AM   
MHOO314


Posts: 3628
Joined: 9/26/2004
Status: offline 		Been there, done that, got the award---I vowed I would rather be alone, than not be what I truly am---and now I am what I need to be---his owner.

< Message edited by MHOO314 -- 4/5/2006 5:00:32 AM >

_____________________________

SLUTS: Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress...

Mistress Hathor


(in reply to MissyRane)
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RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/5/2006 5:44:21 AM   
KittenWithaTwist


Posts: 490
Joined: 8/3/2005
Status: offline 		Good grief. Neither vanilla nor BDSM makes life easier. Life isn't EASY. Life is hard, difficult, sometimes just plain sucky. Just because you happen to like a different structure or enjoy your sex a bit rougher--it doesn't make life easier, or more difficult.

I met the man I'd like to marry through D/s and BDSM. We are no longer practicing D/s. It hasn't been easy, and honestly, if it had been, I doubt it would be nearly as rewarding.

_____________________________

"Time travel: It's a cornocopia of disturbing concepts." ~Ron Stoppable

(in reply to MissyRane)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/5/2006 5:57:54 AM   
LuckyAlbatross


Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MrRodgers
Vanilla relationships by their very nature can and do present problems and those most caused by the continued or perceived doubts of power.

And you don't think this happens all the time in Ds and Ms relationships as well?  It does (not ALL relationships, but just as common as it does in vanilla).
 
quote:

Therein lies my problem with the expression Total Power Exchange. The proper and yes, traditional master/slave relationship to me is one of Total Power Loss. Isn't it ? When and just how does a slave wield power ? The slave does not.

See I disagree.  For me it's about transfer of authority, nothing to do with power.  A slave still HAS all the power she had before, it hasn't gone anywhere.  And in many cases a slave grows to become MORE powerful in who they are over time.

What they don't have is authority to act upon that power.

quote:

 It appears, power in a vanilla relationship is all too often vague and anbiguous and I've witnessed this myself. Those compromises in the M/s affair are not so much about what we do but how far we go.

The idea that just because there is a "dom" and a "sub" or a "master" and a "slave" that there is no ambiguity about what we do is completely false.
quote:


Without the kink and fetishes...some even call this the traditional 50's household...and those are the vanilla ones usually still intact (married).

Some are and some are not.  And your 50s household only accounts for monogamous male dom/fem sub relationships, which really is only a chunk of authority based relationships.  I haven't seen any evidence that Ds or Ms relationships thrive more than vanilla ones do in the long term.

_____________________________

Find stable partners, not a stable of partners.

"Sometimes my whore logic gets all fuzzy"- Californication

(in reply to MrRodgers)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/5/2006 11:20:36 AM   
BrianSenior


Posts: 88
Joined: 3/13/2006
Status: offline 		Both Vanilla and alternative lifestyle relationship require the same foundation. Communication, trust, respect, loyalty. It is not harder nor easier to find a partner in this lifestyle compared to a vanilla lifestyle. It is not going to last any longer ( the relationship ) any shorter then it's counter choice. My parents were married 42 years, in a 50's style house hold it worked for them, they worked for eachother. ~BK~

(in reply to LuckyAlbatross)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/5/2006 12:14:18 PM   
akisha


Posts: 2071
Joined: 6/25/2005
Status: offline 		Oh my lol

Well i tried to give up my "kink" and married nilla after having no luck finding anyone that could fill me need to be controlled (i was late in finding the wonderful web of kink sites)
i felt if i was going to have a life and a family i'd just have to deny that part of who i am. And well it worked for about a year, then slowly i became more and more restless and resentful. i was upfront and honest with my spouse about my desires and at first he was accepting and encouraging of them.
Well each of us trying to be something we weren't didn't work. at all.

Thing is, no one can base a relationship just on sex, lol it never lasts.  The trick of finding that lovely balance is not so easy. i don't think there is such a thing as a perfect match, but if two (or three) ppl can meld on a multiple of levels then they have a hell of a good chance of making it work. Compromise is a huge part of it, but i'd never deny a huge part of my self again. There are men i'd sleep with but never want to live with and well i'd never live with a Man i wouldn't sleep with.

You have to do whatever you feel you can live with. There is nothing wrong with nilla or M/s, it's just where you need to be to be happy and survive.

(in reply to BrianSenior)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/5/2006 12:38:21 PM   
Arpig


Posts: 9930
Joined: 1/3/2006
From: Increasingly further from reality
Status: offline 		Change your screenname to "KittenWithTheRightAnswer"
I couldn't agree with you more...life sucks, however, it does beat the alternative

_____________________________

Big man! Pig Man!
Ha Ha...Charade you are!

Why do they leave out the letter b on "Garage Sale" signs?

CM's #1 All-Time Also-Ran


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Profile   Post #: 19
RE: D/s relationships vs. vanilla - 4/5/2006 5:17:13 PM   
SweetEscravo


Posts: 193
Joined: 12/17/2005
Status: offline 		It is definitly possible with the right person.  Your D/s relationship might need to be toned down a little when there are children or old age at hand, but I firmly believe that a Dom and sub can fall in love and grow old together.  The trouble is finding that person...

(in reply to Arpig)
Profile   Post #: 20
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