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RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/18/2010 3:47:57 PM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
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From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527

Well, at risk of pissing off vaguelycurious, I'm going to have to agree with reynard on this one. In my mind, the claim "topping from the bottom" is a sure fire sign that the person saying it is not dominant.... at least not by any definition of that word that I would be able to come up with.

Pissed off is a very strong term; narked-ish would be more suitable.

I have a lot of respect for you and your dynamic, Jeff-it just mystifies me why people such as yourself, who are in satisfying and happy relationships, need to go around saying that others who exhibit traits x.y,z are 'not dominant'.

I don't see that that is your call to make, unless the D in question is asking you for advice or your personal opinion.

It seems like unnecessary unpleasantness and self-aggrandisement; the implied 'unlike me' which follows the words 'not a true dominant' seems graceless and tasteless to me.

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RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/19/2010 12:16:05 PM

PrimalConsonance

Posts: 463
Joined: 7/11/2009
From: Southern New Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: slaveatia

Why is it so difficult to get people to understand that if they cannot stimulate my mind I wont allow them to stimulate my body? They accuse me of topping from the bottom when I tell them this...

Why not make this a silent criteria? No need to push this on anyone when you first meet or chat with someone. You'll know if they don't stimulate you mentally very soon off, and when that doesn't happen; then just be polite and let them be on their way. You can also word your needs in a less obtrusive manner. Some submissives come off a bit harsh for some reason, but this is to usually weed out the asses. A monumental task to say the least... When someone of questionable integrity or intent approaches you, sometimes you'll find out way before that person can begin to stimulate your mind, that he isn't worth the time to move past a hello. Good luck.

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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. ~Dr. Seuss

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RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/19/2010 1:22:55 PM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
I have a lot of respect for you and your dynamic, Jeff-it just mystifies me why people such as yourself, who are in satisfying and happy relationships, need to go around saying that others who exhibit traits x.y,z are 'not dominant'.

I said it, specifically, because it was a key part of the question being asked. Had the OP left it at the first sentence, my answer would've been different. I call your attention to the specific statements "in my mind" and "by any definition I could come up with". Honestly, I think I'm entitled to my opinions and to express them here.

That being said, you caused me to think carefully about why I think that way. And I do think the error is mine. When I think of D/s, I think of it in terms of social dominance and social submission. In that context, the statement makes no sense... you are either dominant or not relative to the other party. To say "topping from the bottom" is just another way to say, "I'm not in the dominant position."

However, social D/s is not the baseline context for a BDSM site which is largely focused on sexual dominance and submission. In that context, the statement makes a lot more sense. There is an agreement between two parties to occupy specific roles (which may or may not align with their social D/s roles) and it's not unreasonable to call foul when the person who's agreed to occupy the submissive role (and before anyone gets their feathers in bunch, I don't mean that in the sense of "fake") fails to do so.

I stand corrected and I won't make that mistake again.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/20/2010 1:08:14 AM

aldompdx

Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
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Why do you continue hoping that there exist so many people who can stimulate your mind?

People at a good university tend to be better than most at mental stimulation.

Honoring your own preferences and limits is not dominance or control, it is self respect. Only a foolish dom wants a sub who can neither respect themself nor their partner.

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RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/20/2010 7:51:02 AM

Andalusite

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VC, I've also expressed that I feel that Dominants who repeatedly resort to the "topping from the bottom" insult for submissives who don't fall in line (especially when they're not involved yet) come across as insecure in their dominance or have poor communication skills. I usually try to phrase it more as "when I was looking, it was made me cautious," on most issues, but if someone asks my opinion about a general situation, well, I give it.

I only use Dominant and submissive in the D/s sense here rather than in terms of personality, unless someone specifically compares the two (or assumes they automatically go together for *everyone*).

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RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/20/2010 10:40:21 PM

SailingBum

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Ehh cut her some slack after all she's from Ohio... ya know that place where they dump so much BS into Lake Erie actually burned for a couple days. <no im not making it up the lake really did catch fire.>

BadOne

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RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/21/2010 8:49:31 PM

slaveatia

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Joined: 2/5/2010
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Quite frankly, it was not said in a rude manner. I was asked, "What do you want most?" I replied "What I want most and look for is someone who can stimulate my mind as well as my body" The next email from the person was "Well how bout we just skip to the body"

Consider me rude or whatever else you want too as I truly could not care less. It was a genuine question. Yes When I first came to this site (Years ago) Master of Angels was a mentor to me. Back then his profile had nothing in it about creeping out his co-workers. However, he sat and talked with me for hours about what I wanted and needed as well as what type of people to watch out for and be leery of.

Although, I would like to thank you all for showing what small, closed minded people you are and yet have the nerve to call yourselves "Doms" good job!

To those who actually took the time to answer my question, thank you it meant a lot.

P/s I am NOT from Ohio that is just where I currently reside due to school :) I am from Florida. It is so nice when people judge that which they do not know.

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RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/21/2010 8:59:43 PM

AnimusRex

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Is there really any way to decline someone's advance without hurting their feelings?

What words or phrases can you craft that makes them feel good, or lessens the blow?

Maybe tell them you thought your true love was dead, but just found out he was kidnapped by the Dread Pirate Roberts, and is now come back for you, and even though you would love to marry you, dear Prince Humperdink, but alas, you cannot.

Or you can just say, "You are boring/ ugly/ stupid/ smelly...

but either message really only has one meaning-

"I don't want you".

And that hurts.

Some people handle it gracefully, others don't.

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Post #: 28

RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/24/2010 1:15:07 PM

alhamdullilah

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"As you wish."

There are two very different camps. There are those individuals who believe that a Dom/Domme must earn her/his submission; whereas there are those who believe Men are inherently due the submission of women, that it is the natural order of things and adherence to the lifestyle indicates this perspective (specifically addressing Male Dom/fem sub relationships.)

Now, if you're in the first camp and they are in the latter of the two, of course they will say "you're topping from the bottom" or even call you a fake or a player. From their perspective, you are. From yours, they'd have to be psycho jerks. Perhaps it would be worthwhile to indicate your view on the nature of D/s before even expressing that you find the two of you to be incompatible. Dunno. Just a thought.

"Have fun stormin' the castle!"

-lillah

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RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/24/2010 4:34:21 PM

Andalusite

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Animus, I think it's much more polite and less hurtful to say something along the lines of, "I don't think that we're compatible" than it is to say "You're too ugly, stupid, and fat." A little tact helps!

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RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/24/2010 11:54:01 PM

Smutmonger

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Sometimes people really ARE too stupid to bother with. And the kindest thing you can actually do is to blow them off and not get thier hopes up.

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RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/25/2010 6:34:36 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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OP I still don't get what you're whining about. A man asked you what you enjoy, you answered, and he offered an alternative that he preferred. Your answer should have been "no thanks and good luck on your search". But it was not rude or objectionable in the least. Or do you think men should have to read your mind and know what you want before writing? Good luck finding that.

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RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/26/2010 6:25:06 PM

slavefinder30

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First, let's get out of fantasy land. You can't top from the bottom unless you are actually IN a power exchange based, real time relationship as a submissive, with a dom along to participate. It also suprises me that you have this particular problem, since your profile states you are looking for "friends only" That being said, there aren't really many dominants with realtime lifestyle experience on this website, so don't be suprised if they don't have the patience to treat you like a real human being. If they want to treat you like a piece of meat, keep looking. Don't be afraid to take your time to find the right dom for you.

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RE: The fine art of stimulation - 4/27/2010 1:56:21 PM

dragon200070

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I suspect that most people on the Internet are not experienced and have been exposed to porn. This means they have no idea of how BDSM works. As an experienced Dom, I understand the need to build trust, determine interests, etc. that must be done before play can start.
My friends tell me that they run across many such people - inexperienced and poorly oriented. I find myself apologizing for some of these fakes, and have begun to really dislike them.

Jeff

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