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RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/22/2010 2:47:04 PM

VaguelyCurious

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From: United Kingdom
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I'm with Des and Miyani on this one-OP, you are coming across as a three trick pony. Is the repetoire of stuff that appeals to you really only three kinks wide?

Look at it from her side-according to your OP *you* tracked her down, *you* spent time talking to her and gave her attention, and then as soon as you find out that she counts two things as hard limits you ditch her as a potential play partner?

Can you not see why she might be surprised?

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 41

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/22/2010 4:43:59 PM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: Miyani
Oh, no no no no. Fair? Not even a little bit. "I'll do to you the things I enjoy (and apparently ONLY the things I enjoy), if you get rid of a hard limit for nothing more than a playdate?" That's not fair. That is you getting the things you want, and her forcing herself into something she doesn't want.

Here's fair. "Well, I really enjoy only one thing that you enjoy. So let's do that thing. There can always be more playdates, and maybe we'll branch out from there."

It's clear that the only conclusion you see to this discussion is my admission that you are right and I am wrong.

You're right. I was wrong.

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to Miyani)

Post #: 42

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/22/2010 4:50:44 PM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
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quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
I'm with Des and Miyani on this one-OP, you are coming across as a three trick pony. Is the repetoire of stuff that appeals to you really only three kinks wide?

I was asked to list three favorite kinks. I answered with a list of three. What part of that do you not understand?

Three pages and nobody seems to grasp the crux of my post. It's not about how many kinks or who can bend the most or how to find a compromise that makes it work. It was simple question about two people with two different strategies and one of those people's arbitrary expectation that the other person automatically do it their way.

I guess this is why I often chuckle when people toss around the notion that we're all like minded just because we fall under this very big umbrella called kink.

Thanks to everyone for their participation. Interesting read.

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 43

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/22/2010 5:01:46 PM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
I'm with Des and Miyani on this one-OP, you are coming across as a three trick pony. Is the repetoire of stuff that appeals to you really only three kinks wide?

I was asked to list three favorite kinks. I answered with a list of three. What part of that do you not understand?

I think you've missed *my* point, as well as me potentially missing yours. You communicated with this girl over a long period of time, right? And then in the space of a conversation about *three kinks* you went from chasing her to completely dismissing her. I'm not saying you were wrong to do that, if that's how you roll, but I can see how she would be confused-I think you are in the minority of D-types, as far as your behaviour goes.

quote:

Three pages and nobody seems to grasp the crux of my post. It's not about how many kinks or who can bend the most or how to find a compromise that makes it work. It was simple question about two people with two different strategies and one of those people's arbitrary expectation that the other person automatically do it their way.

I think the reason you feel that people are missing your point is that we *don't* see it as an arbitrary expectation.

Imagine we wanted to have dinner together, and I asked what your three favourite types of food were. You listed Chinese, Italian and Thai. I said that I bloody hated Thai and Chinese food (bear with me for the purposes of this argument :p).

Wouldn't it seem odd if you then refused to have dinner with me altogether? Would it be arbitrary to expect you to come to an Italian restaurant with me, given that you'd expressed an interest in dining with me in the first place? It doesn't feel that way to me.

_____________________________

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(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 44

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/22/2010 6:10:55 PM

Andalusite

Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
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Smutmonger, when I was looking, both for a relationship partner, and for more of a casual playpartner, the exact kinks we were into were less important than play-style, their reactions and so forth. I happen to really enjoy being single-tailed, but I don't expect my Master to take classes and develop expertise in it unless he decides that he is interested. I don't pine away over the lack of one activity, we focus on the things *both* of us enjoy most of the time. There are some things he likes that I'm not really into, or that even started out as limits of sorts, but that we've addressed my concerns and I now do for him. It was a lot more important to me that he was interesting to talk with, got along with my friends, that I reacted submissively toward him, that he could turn me on, and so forth, than that we had precisely matched checklists.

DomImus, I agree with VC on this one. There's nothing wrong with your deciding that she wasn't what you wanted after all, but it sounds like you handled it really rudely. I don't see anything wrong with her asking if you were still interested in playing with her in ways that you *both* liked. If she got really pushy about it, that's not cool, but I can't blame her for being a bit confused when you'd been the one chasing her, particularly when you say that they are *all* things that are common hard limits. Are those three things really the only kink activities you like?

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 4/22/2010 6:11:35 PM >

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 45

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/22/2010 10:09:09 PM

GotSteel

Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus
It was simple question about two people with two different strategies and one of those people's arbitrary expectation that the other person automatically do it their way.

You haven't given much in the way of details regarding what happened and as such people are making assumptions, maybe false assumptions. A number of us have interpreted this as you having the arbitrary expectation that she do it your way and becoming offended by the idea that she could have limits. Her being confused by someone who was into her enough to netstalk her suddenly turning cold and trying to understand what had happened.

Maybe that doesn't in any way resemble what transpired but it's not an unreasonable interpretation of what you've presented. Perhaps instead of continuing to make snide comments you should fill us in on the details of what actually happened...

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 46

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/24/2010 7:01:50 PM

littlegirlangel

Posts: 31
Joined: 9/17/2009
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Daddy knows I'm new so we try a lot of things that are new to me. He's been taking me slowly through things and while we do have similar hard limits there are also things that I enjoy that are a hard limit for him and some things that he enjoys that are a hard limit for me.

Daddy usually will talk to me about what we're oging to do, sometimes he'll sneak something in there he knows I don't enjoy, some type of toy like his paddles and things like that. But we kind of work out a compromise and if there's something he really wants to do that I just can't he goes and finds a playmate to do the scene with.

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 47

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/24/2010 7:19:12 PM

sunshinemiss

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Joined: 11/26/2007
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~FR~

Hello Imus,
I know you asked the dominants, and I hope you won't be offended that I've answered.

I think what you have encountered is more a man versus woman thing rather than a Dom versus submissive thing. Men are often competitive, women are cooperative. Numerous psychological and behavioral studies have shown this to be a common mindset difference between the genders. It has changed the way education is carried out. For men it is a "go/no go" situation. For women it is a "create a solution together" kind of thing.

A fellow in my old neighborhood came out to his wife of ten years as gay. They were (and are) very close - good friends, great sex, passion in their relationship. When he realized he was gay and told his wife, her response was that they would figure out a way to work it out. He thought it meant immediate divorce. She thought it meant rearranging their lives to deal with this factor. After all, they had a son they were raising together, a home, a life together. He was gobsmacked by her response. Seems like a similar story to yours only different details.

Obviously there are exceptions to every rule (and study), but it seems to me that you've come across this type of competitive versus cooperative kind of mindset. (not saying it's a game of course or a competition, just that it is a different way of viewing and interacting in the world).

Best,
sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 48

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/24/2010 9:15:02 PM

khem

Posts: 300
Joined: 8/8/2005
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Am I the only one very interested in what the three things are?

(in reply to sunshinemiss)

Post #: 49

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/26/2010 7:00:58 AM

xxblushesxx

Posts: 9318
Joined: 11/3/2005
From: Kentucky
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: khem

Am I the only one very interested in what the three things are?

No. But it's just cuz I'm nosy. Not cuz I think it really matters to the question at hand. *lol*

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~Christina

A nice girl with a disturbing hobby

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(in reply to khem)

Post #: 50

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/26/2010 7:59:51 AM

Smutmonger

Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
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I understood the question. Some women seem to feel that a man will put up with any amount of crap from them to get laid.

Then act like you just shot thier mother in church when you say you aren't interested.

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

quote:

ORIGINAL: VaguelyCurious
I'm with Des and Miyani on this one-OP, you are coming across as a three trick pony. Is the repetoire of stuff that appeals to you really only three kinks wide?

I was asked to list three favorite kinks. I answered with a list of three. What part of that do you not understand?

Three pages and nobody seems to grasp the crux of my post. It's not about how many kinks or who can bend the most or how to find a compromise that makes it work. It was simple question about two people with two different strategies and one of those people's arbitrary expectation that the other person automatically do it their way.

I guess this is why I often chuckle when people toss around the notion that we're all like minded just because we fall under this very big umbrella called kink.

Thanks to everyone for their participation. Interesting read.

_____________________________

I didn't get into an alternative lifestyle to explore new frontiers in conformity.

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 51

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/26/2010 8:16:54 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

I understood the question. Some women seem to feel that a man will put up with any amount of crap from them to get laid.

Then act like you just shot thier mother in church when you say you aren't interested.

See, if *she'd* been the one chasing *him* I would absolutely agree with you.

But he saw her across the room at a munch, took the trouble to track her down online, and then spent time talking to her-that does seem like an awful lot of effort to suddenly go 'nah, forget it' if she'll only meet him on one out of three kinks, all of which he knows to be 'edgy'.

That effort implies he *was* interested, which could be confusing when he suddenly wasn't any more, neh?

And I'm not sure I'd call two limits 'any amount of crap'-seems kinda on the harsh side.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to Smutmonger)

Post #: 52

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/26/2010 8:22:29 AM

Smutmonger

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Just because one expresses an initial interest-does not mean the pursued party now has rights to them.

And I have run across any number of women that had this seriously predatory programming about "the pussy is a commodity-and men are powerless in the face of my snatch."

_____________________________

I didn't get into an alternative lifestyle to explore new frontiers in conformity.

(in reply to VaguelyCurious)

Post #: 53

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/26/2010 8:59:33 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Smutmonger

Just because one expresses an initial interest-does not mean the pursued party now has rights to them.

Ok, I'll accept that. But I do think there's a difference between the pursued party assuming that an initial interest has been sustained and assuming that they have 'rights'-there's a grey area there, and without having been party to the conversation I don't think we know exactly where in that grey area the woman in question was.

quote:

And I have run across any number of women that had this seriously predatory programming about "the pussy is a commodity-and men are powerless in the face of my snatch."

So have I (although you'd have to replace the word men with the word women, obviously :P)

I can't say that I've come away from the OP with the impression that this woman was one of those, though.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to Smutmonger)

Post #: 54

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/27/2010 5:46:11 AM

scorpionking1000

Posts: 4
Joined: 4/26/2010
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I have been in a similar situation and for me it was not about giving up a toy or a kink it was more the thinking, the expectations and understanding and how she interpreted the whole dynamics of a D/s relationship. People have different takes on this matter from what I read above but some time I wonder if she does really understand the dynamics of a D/s relationship, well the impression I got from the sub I met was not...may be this sub is different or may be it was her way of saying she just wanted some short term fun

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)

Post #: 55

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/27/2010 8:14:46 PM

SomethingCatchy

Posts: 796
Joined: 7/29/2008
Status: offline

'Hard limit' to me is hospitalization or ending up in prison... something that could dramatically impact my life in a very negative way, when all I signed up for was a bit of fun.

However, I don't know a person very well, I will call a limit a 'hard' limit, because I want them to be very clear that it's completely off the list of things I'm cool with. When I get to know that person, I am almost always up for discussion. When I feel I can trust someone, those barriers come down and I'm much more open to ideas or things I wouldn't normally be interested in. Perhaps this is her thought process, as well.

_____________________________

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Everyone is gay for Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 56

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/27/2010 9:20:37 PM

GotSteel

Posts: 5871
Joined: 2/19/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: xxblushesxx

quote:

ORIGINAL: khem
Am I the only one very interested in what the three things are?

No. But it's just cuz I'm nosy. Not cuz I think it really matters to the question at hand. *lol*

We don't know, it might make a difference. I can't say that I've done the casual play thing but I'm pretty confident that there are limits that would make me loose interest in a potential play partner, there are even a few that would cause me to consider that person selfish. For instance, I once met a guy who recounted to me a recent date. After spending the evening together, the lady let it be known that she was interested in having him penetrate her but it wasn't ok for him to move at all or have an orgasm, she just wanted the feeling of the penetration. He wasn't pleased with that and I have to say that I also would have declined that offer.

On the other perhaps he's refused to tell us the activities in question because they are so selfish/harmful that if we knew, we'd immediately judge him for even asking for those things and he wouldn't even have received the little bit of validation he's gotten from this thread.

(in reply to xxblushesxx)

Post #: 57

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/28/2010 2:56:14 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
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Speculation is silly. It doesn't do anything.

Besides, does it really matter? This is a man who has made his own decisions and then is able to stand behind them. The OP decided he was interested initially, learned something that didn't jive for him (as often happens at various points in creation of relationships of all sorts), and honestly let the other person know.

I don't understand why this is an issue. We all have a list of yay and nay whether we admit it or not. Some people have a short list, others, a much longer list. Sounds like the OP is clear about his list.

Best, sunshine

_____________________________

Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to GotSteel)

Post #: 58

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/29/2010 6:26:42 AM

IronBear

Posts: 9008
Joined: 6/19/2005
From: Beenleigh, Qld, Australia
Status: offline

FR ~ Don't have time at the moment to read the responses so here is my 2c worth. I like to have things on the table from the start. My expectations, requirements, negotiable areas, non negotiable areas and so on. I'll happily display my toys, ropes and others gear, partly because I am proud of what I have and make and partly to get feedback. When it come to the "BDSM Play" I am flexable as long as the person understands that if for example, she (or he) is dead set against nedle play, I will seek out a suitable person who shares my pleasure in decorating a body with needles. Bearing in mind that in the long term I deal with slaves and thus there are far less areas of flexibility than their may be if dealing with submissives and especially those on a casual basis. I appears, from my personal observation and discussion with other Dominants local to me that each of us have our own ways of covering this matter and I'm damned sure that none of them like me would tolerate either a sub or slave trying to dictate how I presented my toys or the whole deal we are talking about. If some one was that silly, that would be for me a deal breaker.

_____________________________

Iron Bear

Master of Bruin Cottage

http://www.bruincottage.org

Your attitude, words & actions are yours. Take responsibility for them and the consequences they incur.

D.I.L.L.I.G.A.F.

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 59

RE: Dominants: Has this ever happened to you? - 4/29/2010 1:37:32 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: scorpionking1000

I have been in a similar situation and for me it was not about giving up a toy or a kink it was more the thinking, the expectations and understanding and how she interpreted the whole dynamics of a D/s relationship. People have different takes on this matter from what I read above but some time I wonder if she does really understand the dynamics of a D/s relationship, well the impression I got from the sub I met was not...may be this sub is different or may be it was her way of saying she just wanted some short term fun

But the op wasn't talking about a relationship, only about casual play.
He said something on the order of 'I want to do A, B and C with you'.
Her response was no to A and B but yes to C. At which point he rejected her for accepting one of the options he offered her. And that is what we don't understand. He offered this first and then when she accepted he got upset and rejected her.

If he didn't want to do this, why did he offer it? And if he meant he wanted to play with her and would do so only if he could do A B and C, with no exclusions, why didn't he make that clear to her in the beginning?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to scorpionking1000)

Post #: 60

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