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RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 10:46:34 AM

RedMagic1

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I think part of the reason the OP had problems was that she spoke in third person. To a lot of people, that comes across as chatroomy or teenagerish. To me, it almost always comes across as someone trying to evade personal responsibility by denying one's subjective relation to real life. I believed the OP was telling the truth, but I didn't post on that thread because I thought the OP was not in a position to listen to anything I said.

Though this might at first sound off topic, I think the recent site decision to allow discussion of things like bestiality, is one step toward addressing the problem raised in the OP. There's a mentality here that some physical acts -- and some attitudes toward relationships -- are just GROSS!!!! and shouldn't even be talked about. These boards are heavily hetero, white, and anti-body-mod, far out of proportion to the statistics of people who are actually kinky in the English-speaking world. As posters here internalize the attitude that it is now ok to talk about anything, even things that are personally repugnant, I think we'll see more people, from different backgrounds, more willing to participate.

So I'm not cynical at all!

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Post #: 21

RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 10:57:03 AM

jbcurious

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quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I think part of the reason the OP had problems was that she spoke in third person. To a lot of people, that comes across as chatroomy or teenagerish. To me, it almost always comes across as someone trying to evade personal responsibility by denying one's subjective relation to real life. I believed the OP was telling the truth, but I didn't post on that thread because I thought the OP was not in a position to listen to anything I said.

Though this might at first sound off topic, I think the recent site decision to allow discussion of things like bestiality, is one step toward addressing the problem raised in the OP. There's a mentality here that some physical acts -- and some attitudes toward relationships -- are just GROSS!!!! and shouldn't even be talked about. These boards are heavily hetero, white, and anti-body-mod, far out of proportion to the statistics of people who are actually kinky in the English-speaking world. As posters here internalize the attitude that it is now ok to talk about anything, even things that are personally repugnant, I think we'll see more people, from different backgrounds, more willing to participate.

So I'm not cynical at all!

My feelings about the 3rd person was that it was a way of distancing herself from what she was writing... of making it not so personal for her. Which is what made it more believable to me... much easier to say something like that if you de personalize it.

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Post #: 22

RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 11:01:47 AM

Lockit

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When I first found the boards, there were a lot of people here that did share their stories. They felt surrounded by friends and that it was a place they could share such things. There were often some deep discussions about the topics, encouragement, support, insults, flames and predator types. Some were more wounded and left, some learned some lessons and stopped talking so personally and many got a lesson in this place may have been filled with friends, but it was also filled with people who were not friends.

While I did feel there was a certain amount of attention seeking, I also found there was a healing process that many were on. Unfortunatly many tried to short cut a solid healing process with a professional or very aware lay counselor from rape crisis or the like and tried to do it here.

I won't shy away from these types of things, but I do often chose not to partake. It all depends on the situation.

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Post #: 23

RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 11:04:23 AM

lally2

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

This topic was inspired after reading a post started on 'Ask a Master' Its about a trauma and attempted suicide. I look at posts like that and normally choose not to join them. I'm perhaps a little cynical... is this genuine? or is it an attention whore trying to get some sympathy? How can I possibly know? how can I even start to guess and how much damage could I do with my words if I got it wrong? These threads are often way beyond me and far too risky to reply.

How do others feel about answering such threads?
Personally I believe we are capable of wounding deeply if we get it wrong and throw accusations at them saying otherwise.
Have you ever lay bare a trauma and been knocked and disbelieved? and if so how did that make you feel?
Do you believe that none of this is the real world and so saying what you think can't possibly be wounding? or don't you care?

to be honest this is why, like you, i have a slight problem with such posts. generally i try to put myself in the other persons shoes, look at it from the benefit of my experience and provide the (hindsight is 20:20) advice i could have done with back then. or i can parallel it to something or in some cases i can imagine based on some other experience. if i genuinely cant then i stay away.

but - yes, i have laid myself bare, been disbelieved and the brain storm that ensued was chaos. first that i was dealing with the initial trauma and second that i perceived not to be understood or sympathised with (probably it wasnt the support i wanted right then. i wasnt in the right frame of mind to deal with 'the truth' as others saw it) - which is why i would never now just pour out all my deeply private,personal pain to anyone other than someone i completely trusted to just give me a hug and be there for me.

so for me there was some cynicism too - (shrugs an apology) - i just wouldnt share that much deeply private, deeply sensitive pain with a public board because i would not be in the emotional frame of mind to deal with 'the truth' as others saw it.

if i was that 'damaged' that angry i doubt i would have written in the third person either.

so for the benefit of the doubt, because ive been there myself and because im an awful cynic, i stay away incase im wrong.

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Post #: 24

RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 12:20:33 PM

Lucylastic

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Im hugely cynical about many things, but when people are hurting, thats different, even online.
I dont get overly involved unnless its with close friends but depending on who it is and the way its described is a deciding factor.. we have seen many drama llamas and under new names, they usually show themselves up after a while, but I wont be disrespectful if I think someone is really hurting.

Wether its self inflicted or random nastiness, I have tons of compassion for people, but once bitten... I bite back

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RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 1:27:39 PM

DesFIP

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I usually chose to act as though the person was for real because someone else in the same situation might be helped. But in the thread referenced, it had fake written all over it. The time line listed was unbelievable. In five weeks she was collared by one, raped by another and then collared by a third? Plus the time required for hospitalization and surgery to repair the rape plus hospitalization time for suicide. Had she said over six months I would have concluded that she simply didn't act smart and got herself in trouble. But all of this in a little more than a month? Unbelievable.

And if it was true, which is very doubtful, then her actions on being collared by yet someone else right after she was raped shows she really wasn't traumatized or she would not have dived back into another sexual relationship.

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RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 1:30:25 PM

LaTigresse

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

This topic was inspired after reading a post started on 'Ask a Master' Its about a trauma and attempted suicide. I look at posts like that and normally choose not to join them. I'm perhaps a little cynical... is this genuine? or is it an attention whore trying to get some sympathy? How can I possibly know? how can I even start to guess and how much damage could I do with my words if I got it wrong? These threads are often way beyond me and far too risky to reply.

How do others feel about answering such threads?
Personally I believe we are capable of wounding deeply if we get it wrong and throw accusations at them saying otherwise.
Have you ever lay bare a trauma and been knocked and disbelieved? and if so how did that make you feel?
Do you believe that none of this is the real world and so saying what you think can't possibly be wounding? or don't you care?

The best way for me to answer the questions is to explain how I 'work'. Having experienced and watched many of the people in my life experience some ugly life stuff I am pretty emotionally hard, in ways. I know that most people create their own problems. Most people make their problems bigger than they need to be. I believe that one of life's guarantees is that there will be suffering and we can learn from it. I also know that most people think they have some sort of, lack of suffering, owed to them and sympathy owed, when they do suffer. I don't believe either. I also have a very low tollerance level for, what I see as, hysterical melodrama.

For better or worse, I also have very little respect for people that fit the descriptions I described above. They annoy me.

So, given all of the above, I tend to be seen as horribly lacking in empathy. I am a sick twisted bitch in that I often find a sadistic pleasure in laughing at some of these people. To top it off with the fact that I don't see death as the tragic, horrible, scary event many people do. Some random hysterical drama llama that has done nothing but fuck up their life, and likely the lives of their friends and family, killing themself off........does not make me weep with sorrow. I am more likely to think..........Good riddance but what a coward's way out!"

Usually, if I feel there is a chance in hell a melodramatic, oh woe is me, thread is genuine, I will avoid it. The reality is that there is a sadistic little monster in me with a nasty sense of humour, that will occasionally chime in with some evil snark. And like someone already said, I believe that, if someone has put their shit out here in a public forum, they are consenting to what replies they get.

I don't believe in putting my personal shit out here for public consumption unless it's completely old and without any emotional connection for me. Example, I have no problem talking about my crazy mother, my alcoholic father, goofy family. I have no emotional connection to the issues of that. If there is a discussion about similar experiences that my talking about my shit could add to, I will bring it up. No way do I want any empathy because I don't have any emotional connections to the craziness of my experiences. I dealt with that a long time ago. And there is nothing anyone could say to me about it, that would bother me. Any attempt to do so would only be humorous. I would be joking right a long with them.

Something current, something that is upsetting to me right now, very likely will not be part of a thread on here.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 4/24/2010 1:35:07 PM >

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My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

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Post #: 27

RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 1:34:01 PM

ThatDaveGuy69

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One of my favorite lines from South park:

"I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's!"

Kinda says it all.

~Dave

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RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 1:41:26 PM

Level

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I'm highly cynical; I'm sure lots of what is posted here is true, I just don't know that.

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Post #: 29

RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 3:12:07 PM

cpK69

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

How do others feel about answering such threads?

The same as I do about any other thread; if I feel I can add something productive, I will, if not, I don’t.

quote:

Have you ever lay bare a trauma and been knocked and disbelieved? and if so how did that make you feel?

Yes. It hurt, mostly because of whom it was coming from; but no more than any other time where something happened, I tried to talk about it, and I was knocked and disbelieved.

quote:

Do you believe that none of this is the real world and so saying what you think can't possibly be wounding? or don't you care?

After the whole “South Park” issue; I’m less sure of how I feel about this than ever.

In my perspective, an insult is an assault from within. I know what I say can have affect, but I am unsure of how much of the resulting effect is my responsibility.

I also know people lie, to others, and their selves, and I can’t always know who is doing it, or when; I try not to assume.

A lot of times, I think the issue isn’t so much what is said, as it is the manner in which it is said. I try hard not to be overly assertive, and sometimes wonder, "Did I not say enough?"

Live and let live…

Kim

< Message edited by cpK69 -- 4/24/2010 4:07:03 PM >

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RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 4:31:42 PM

Missokyst

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Actually that is the number one reason I totally avoided posting to that thread, good or bad. Distancing onesself is one thing. Coming across as someone who is so wrapped up in fantasy that they have lost their common sense is the sort of thing that gets written up in some obit somewhere.

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1

I think part of the reason the OP had problems was that she spoke in third person. To a lot of people, that comes across as chatroomy or teenagerish.

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 31

RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 4:34:21 PM

cpK69

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Added thoughts, after read through….

I don’t have a problem with others putting their life experiences out for viewing, and have mentioned some of my own, when I thought it was relevant. I appreciate the opportunity to learn from their mistakes, without having to go through the experiences myself.

I see people putting ‘their shit’ out in public, in all manners, many of which, not even realizing it as they are doing it. What slays me is when it is one of those who would criticize another for doing it, while completely overlooking the fact that they spray shit, themselves.

I wonder about those who criticize; the reaction is reminiscent of self reflected resentment.

Kim

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Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

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Post #: 32

RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 4:44:49 PM

littlewonder

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I usually respond to such topics with one simple response..

Seek therapy.

Nothing more, nothing less. Imo it's the only answer that works since it's what they need whether the threat of suicide is real or not.

< Message edited by littlewonder -- 4/24/2010 4:45:11 PM >

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Post #: 33

RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 6:54:31 PM

slaveluci

Posts: 4294
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From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz
Have you ever lay bare a trauma and been knocked and disbelieved? and if so how did that make you feel?

ONE TIME I spoke about a trauma here that happened in our family. I didn't get all melodramatic or pitiful, I just stated the facts. It only took a moment for an imbecile to attempt to discredit what had been said and the peanut gallery to join in with verbal diarrhea. How did it make me feel? Sorry for those assholes, for one. And then it instantly reminded me why I had NEVER discussed so personal a thing online before. It's like throwing raw meat into a tiger cage. No thanks...........luci

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RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/24/2010 7:01:12 PM

slaveluci

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From: Little Rock, AR
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious
Have people become so dehumanized here that someone's trauma whether real or imagined is cause to treat them in such a cruel manner?

Yes.

quote:

Are we so afraid of being duped that we lash out so we don´t get taken in?

Yes.

quote:

There are people who don´t have anyone to talk to... or they´re afraid of the reactions they will get, or they´re ashamed of what has happened, or they genuinely think that their story will help another from experiencing the same thing. Should they be ridiculed and called a liar?

Not in my opinion. I'm very cynical myself. But if I read something that doesn't ring true, I just overlook it and keep going. Engaging the person simply to call them out is pretty pointless, I think.

quote:

Are people who are in the lifestyle so protective of it and the reputation it may get if negative things are discussed that they immediately make someone look foolish for having a bad experience?

No, I just think some people are so pathetic they live to shred total strangers. They talk about how pathetic it is that someone would come to a place like this for understanding and sympathy and perhaps it is. How much more pathetic though to be eagerly waiting to kick 'em in the head when they do!

luci

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RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/25/2010 12:04:49 AM

SimplyMichael

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I am so cynical that I believe a lot of the really fucked up shit people post IS true.

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RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/25/2010 12:26:19 AM

UniqueRaven

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Realizing that all the world is theatre, either that of your own, or other's, helps.

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RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/25/2010 1:01:30 AM

allthatjaz

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Thanks everyone who added to this topic. I'm not going to be around today to read through it properly but look forward to reading it this evening.

Maria

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RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/25/2010 6:56:23 AM

JstAnotherSub

Posts: 6174
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i tend to think folks are nuts and full of it unless i know them.

but i judge mostly by listening to the voices in my head. i trust them.

someone who comes on line to tell strangers that they plan to kill them self, i would offer the use of my pistol though...i have no sympathy for anyone who would kill them self, whether they mean it or not....its the pussy way out, and does nothing for them, except hurt the ones they leave behind...

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yep

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Post #: 39

RE: Is it ok to be cynical? - 4/25/2010 7:08:33 AM

kiwisub12

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For the most part, I believe what I am told. At least until it becomes clear to me that it is drama bullshit.

If course, some of my problem with posters is that i have to ask myself if a sane person would put themselves into such a position willingly, and being the sane (

) person i know that i am, i would say no. Thats when my cynical side kicks in.

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Post #: 40

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