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Why do we assume people don't know their own relationsh... - 4/24/2010 2:37:29 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
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This is something that's been a pet peeve of mine for awhile, though I'm sure I've done this sometimes myself.

To be clear, this is not a CM issue. This is an issue I've seen on mutiple boards, seen happen in real life and have heard others gripe about it as well.

Someone (99 percent of the time a sub/slave/pet/ec in my experience) will come on the 'net and make a post about their relationship in which they discuss a problem and seek advice. They get chewed out for talking about their owner like that on the Internet, assuming that it couldn't be possible the owner wouldn't be upset. They'll be at a play party, with full permission to scene, and when it comes up another person wants to tattle on them to their owner. I don't mean "Oh, I'm sorry I want to meet them and make sure it's ok with them before I scene with you for my comfort", I mean "What are you doing out here without them? I'm going to contact them to let them know what you are up to!".

Why assume that people don't know their rules and relationship guidelines?

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

Post #: 1

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/24/2010 2:58:32 PM

sweetnurseBBW

Posts: 2464
Joined: 1/26/2006
From: North Carolina
Status: offline

Because some peope have over inflated egos and think they know it all. People assume alot online and don't really know the whole story.

_____________________________

Sir Pain's pain slut

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 2

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/24/2010 3:08:08 PM

Aylee

Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

Aqua (AKA Ms. Butterscotch),

I think that it gives them a sense of importance. They feel 'power' from having a secret, but the only way anyone will know that they have the secret is to tell someone the secret. Even when it is NOT a secret.

I know that it has happened to me. A couple of years ago, I posted about being in New Orleans. Big whoop-de-do, right? An individual saw the posting and just HAD to call the other half to let him know that I was there. I was never sure if they figured that he had not noticed that I and Butterhead were gone from the house, or if they thought that where I was at was a secret. I do know that the other half was a bit confussed at the phone call.

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 3

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/24/2010 3:39:08 PM

lizi

Posts: 4673
Joined: 2/1/2009
Status: offline

The first thing you outlined as far as coming to the message boards, I'm not exactly sure why it's a huge no no to ask a personal type question as it relates to a relationship. I understand that airing dirty laundry is not really cool because it has the potential to hurt others, but on the other hand, getting input as to what to do can help solve the problem. I tend to be one who likes getting input from people about whatever is puzzling me, it helps me make better decisions in the end to go outside of my own thoughts and feelings to see things more objectively - so my goal from the start would not be to 'tell' on my owner or disclose to the world my problems, it would be to solve that problem in an effective way that would benefit everyone involved.

As far as the second scenario where one half of a couple is at a play party, perhaps the potential play partner asks because they don't want to be involved in a mess...? Maybe they're asking to cover their own butts and possibly avoid drama if the other half comes up later and gets upset.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 4

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/24/2010 4:38:58 PM

littlewonder

Posts: 15659
Status: offline

I don't play casually but if I was to, I would want to talk to the other person in the relationship to make sure it was ok with them not because the person may or may not know their own rules and guidelines or relationship but because I would want to protect my ass from the other person finding out and them coming after me and to protect my own morals and values.

(in reply to lizi)

Post #: 5

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/24/2010 4:45:51 PM

cpK69

Posts: 1593
Joined: 5/9/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

Why assume that people don't know their rules and relationship guidelines?

Because… while it seems that ‘man’ has figured out that the sun does not evolve around Earth, many now believe they are the sun.

As in; “all things are relative to me, if not, it is not genuine”.

Kim

< Message edited by cpK69 -- 4/24/2010 4:46:15 PM >

_____________________________

Humility is where weakness and strength meet and humanity begins.

one voice

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 6

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/24/2010 5:08:10 PM

sweetsub1957

Posts: 2201
Joined: 4/28/2009
Status: offline

i don't play casually but, if i did, i'd want to talk to that person's significant other first to make sure i was not taking part in something i shouldn't be. They may know the rules in their relationship, but i'd still want to make sure it was okay before doing anything.

~sweetsub~

_____________________________

Member: Lance's Fag Hags.

"That's not just a chip on her shoulder, that's the whole potato!" ~Lady Angelika~

In lowering yourself to talking behind my back, you're perfectly positioned to kiss my ass.

An it harm none, do what ye wilt.

(in reply to littlewonder)

Post #: 7

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/24/2010 5:26:32 PM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

Why assume that people don't know their rules and relationship guidelines?

I think there are 2 key issues here. One, people who make assumptions are asses. That said, when someone airs out their dirty laundry, they should expect that people have all kinds of reactions.

I have a philosophy about protecting my relationships. When I have reached an intimate realm with someone, I don't want to make the details vulnerable. I'll sometimes talk about the dynamics in relationships that are over because to a certain degree that is therapeutic, but the current ones need to be guarded.

If I really need help figuring something out, I'll turn to my partner to to someone else I trust very much.

The second issue is your notion of playing with someone. I think a portion of this is paternalistic (do many women do this? can women be paternalistic?) because they might think that it adds to the scene. Obviously, if this erks you, they might not be the right kind of play partner for you.

One last thing, I do make a distinction between people who respond to people asking for advice about a problem in their relationship from people who toss unsolicited advice around. The latter is a huge pet peeve of mine.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 8

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/24/2010 8:18:05 PM

DomImus

Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline

It's easier to assume than to wait until page 6 when the poster finally gives all the pertinent information about the situation that should have been included in the OP ( a forum pet peeve of mine).

_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 9

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/25/2010 1:29:01 AM

jbcurious

Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: DomImus

It's easier to assume than to wait until page 6 when the poster finally gives all the pertinent information about the situation that should have been included in the OP ( a forum pet peeve of mine).

Ok, I'm guilty of this...

but not intentionaly... Sometimes I think or feel a certain way about something, or have an issue with something and I'm not sure why... When I put it out for discussion, I process what people say, or the sdditional questions people ask make me think about things from a different angle... I've had a few revelations.

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'

I have an explosive personality...

(in reply to DomImus)

Post #: 10

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/25/2010 5:54:20 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub

This is something that's been a pet peeve of mine for awhile, though I'm sure I've done this sometimes myself.

To be clear, this is not a CM issue. This is an issue I've seen on mutiple boards, seen happen in real life and have heard others gripe about it as well.

Someone (99 percent of the time a sub/slave/pet/ec in my experience) will come on the 'net and make a post about their relationship in which they discuss a problem and seek advice. They get chewed out for talking about their owner like that on the Internet, assuming that it couldn't be possible the owner wouldn't be upset. They'll be at a play party, with full permission to scene, and when it comes up another person wants to tattle on them to their owner. I don't mean "Oh, I'm sorry I want to meet them and make sure it's ok with them before I scene with you for my comfort", I mean "What are you doing out here without them? I'm going to contact them to let them know what you are up to!".

Why assume that people don't know their rules and relationship guidelines?

To me, the above is two very different issues.

You have one bringing their personal shit onto a forum, with very limited information , either complaining about and/or asking for advice. An assumption that the complainer has their head up their ass is pretty common. Otherwise they would not have begun the process to begin with.

Then you have the buttinsky shit which goes on all over the place. The reasons are as varied as the relationships. Sometimes it's one person trying to insinuate themself with one relationship party or between two. Sometimes it's just someone trying to stir shit for fun or out of spite. And sometimes it is well intended but misplaced.

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 11

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/25/2010 9:05:43 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Aylee

I know that it has happened to me. A couple of years ago, I posted about being in New Orleans. Big whoop-de-do, right? An individual saw the posting and just HAD to call the other half to let him know that I was there. I was never sure if they figured that he had not noticed that I and Butterhead were gone from the house, or if they thought that where I was at was a secret. I do know that the other half was a bit confussed at the phone call.

But of course... he thought you were in the sewing room the whole time.

quote:

ORIGINAL: littlewonder
I don't play casually but if I was to, I would want to talk to the other person in the relationship to make sure it was ok with them not because the person may or may not know their own rules and guidelines or relationship but because I would want to protect my ass from the other person finding out and them coming after me and to protect my own morals and values.

That makes sense and, like I said, is not what I'm talking about. I don't mean "I need to talk to your partner for my comfort", I mean "I think I need to tell your partner what you are up to". They are very different things but the latter has been encountered by other people I know who also play causally.

quote:

ORIGINAL:LadyAngelika

I have a philosophy about protecting my relationships. When I have reached an intimate realm with someone, I don't want to make the details vulnerable. I'll sometimes talk about the dynamics in relationships that are over because to a certain degree that is therapeutic, but the current ones need to be guarded.

If I really need help figuring something out, I'll turn to my partner to to someone else I trust very much.

While I understand and respect that, not everyone does things the same way nor does everyone have people they trust when it comes to things relating to BDSM. While I do have people I can trust in that regard, I know that I have a tendancy to emotionally over-react and like to talk things out with several friends before talking to Valyraen. It's something he's always known about and never had a problem with.

quote:

Obviously, if this erks you, they might not be the right kind of play partner for you.

Obviously.

If someone where to call Val to tattle on me, I'd say the odds are good they'll never get to play with me. But I'm curious to find out why people feel the need to do this. While I doubt it will happen, I was sort of hoping someone who has done with would come on and explain the reasoning behind it.

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

You have one bringing their personal shit onto a forum, with very limited information , either complaining about and/or asking for advice. An assumption that the complainer has their head up their ass is pretty common. Otherwise they would not have begun the process to begin with.

I partially agree with those who are stating that we have to assume where information is lacking. I do think that we have to make logical assumptions sometimes to provide advice when it's asked for. But I simply don't agree that we have to assume, in general, that they don't have permission to be there, asking the question and rip the poster a new one instead of just providing the asked for advice in whatever blunt or sweet manner feels right.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Aylee)

Post #: 12

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/25/2010 9:12:04 AM

LaTigresse

Posts: 26123
Joined: 1/15/2006
Status: offline

I never assume anyone does not permission to be online.

My assumptions tend to be more along the line of character assessment, intelligence or lack thereof, grasp on reality, etc... all based on the words a person writes while they are online.

At that point I can make some assumptions on the type of person that would be attracted to that person and the type of relationship they could have.

< Message edited by LaTigresse -- 4/25/2010 9:13:47 AM >

_____________________________

My twisted, self deprecating, sense of humour, finds alot to laugh about, in your lack of one!

Just because you are well educated, articulate, and can use big, fancy words, properly........does not mean you are right!

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 13

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/25/2010 10:10:10 AM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: LaTigresse

I never assume anyone does not permission to be online.

My assumptions tend to be more along the line of character assessment, intelligence or lack thereof, grasp on reality, etc... all based on the words a person writes while they are online.

At that point I can make some assumptions on the type of person that would be attracted to that person and the type of relationship they could have.

Which I have no problem with. It's the "Does your owner know you are talking about your relationship" line of commenting that I'm questioning.

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to LaTigresse)

Post #: 14

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/25/2010 11:29:56 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Maybe because we've seen a lot of stupid people? People who really don't think ahead and consider if the other partner might well be upset to read a post calling him a flaming idiot? There are a lot of people in this world who do things hoping they can get away with it.

Those of us with good communication skills don't make interesting reading.

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 15

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/25/2010 12:34:47 PM

winterrose77

Posts: 114
Joined: 1/8/2010
Status: offline

I'm going through a similar, but opposite situation on a thread on a different part of the forums. XD

My dom knows and is perfectly content with me chatting on here and has no problem with anything I've said (he checks in every once in awhile). And when I post, I tend to post about things that have already happened between us. In the thread in question, I mentioned a situation which happened awhile ago and we had resolved, in order to ask a question of others that I was curious about.

Somehow this came across as me whining about him behind his back and asking for advice.

I clarified and restated my question, hoping for answers this time. STILL MORE ADVICE ARGH.

So yeah...absolutely. I think this is where D/s couples have trouble whenever they're not doing something or communicating individually. Especially over the internet, where anything you say can and will be used against you according to how someone else wanted to read it.

_____________________________

~Rose~

"I'm sick of just liking people. I wish to God I could meet somebody I could respect."
-J. D. Salinger

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 16

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/25/2010 5:32:22 PM

JonnieBoy

Posts: 1468
Joined: 4/22/2009
From: Cymru
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: sweetnurseBBW

Because some peope have over inflated egos and think they know it all. People assume alot online and don't really know the whole story.

Ain't that the truth.

Assumption can be the MOTHER of all fuck ups.

Pirate

(in reply to sweetnurseBBW)

Post #: 17

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/25/2010 5:48:10 PM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: winterrose77

Somehow this came across as me whining about him behind his back and asking for advice.

I clarified and restated my question, hoping for answers this time. STILL MORE ADVICE ARGH.

In all fairness to the advicemongers, the title of the thread was 'help?'-that does sorta imply a request for advice.

OP: People like drama. People like scandal. Those things are the currency that knit otherwise disparate communities together-your [generic] potential home troubles are other people's bonding material and status enhancers.

Imagine if you played with someone in a 'behind your partner's back' manner, and someone else told your partner, who then fell into a jealous intensely dramatic rage and threw you out onto the street right in front of this someone else.

Said someone else would be the centre of attention at any gathering of mutual acquaintances for some time. The possibility is kinda hard for some people to pass up.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

(in reply to winterrose77)

Post #: 18

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/25/2010 6:01:54 PM

Aylee

Posts: 24103
Joined: 10/14/2007
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: AquaticSub
But of course... he thought you were in the sewing room the whole time.

Okay. . . I commented about this thread to the other half. His comments were:

Some people want to be amused. Amuse me by fighting. I don't want to fight with you, but I would be amused by you two fighting.

I hope this helps.

_____________________________

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam

I don’t always wgah’nagl fhtagn. But when I do, I ph’nglui mglw’nafh R’lyeh.

(in reply to AquaticSub)

Post #: 19

RE: Why do we assume people don't know their own relati... - 4/26/2010 3:07:53 PM

AquaticSub

Posts: 14867
Joined: 12/27/2005
Status: offline

Aylee, for a second I thought he wanted you and I to throw down!

I do think he's onto something there though. Perhaps it's also an ego boost of "I know how to run your relationship better than you do".

_____________________________

Without my dominance you cannot submit. Without your submission I cannot dominate. You are my equal in this, though our roles are different.-Val

It was ok for him to beat me but then he tried to cuddle me! - Me

Member:Clan of the Scarlet O'Hair

(in reply to Aylee)

Post #: 20

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