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Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 10:35:19 AM   
BerryDelicious


Posts: 8
Joined: 4/11/2010
Status: offline 		My dominant wants me to work on learning emotional control. I have serious problems with controlling my mouth when I get too frustrated or anxious or don't feel like I'm being listened to. He is going to help me by trying to acknowledge my feelings even if he is going to make another decision that I don't like, but I still need to learn how to stay calm and not raise my voice to him or be disrespectful when I get worked up.

Please don't be mean, I know this is very serious and I want to learn how to change it. Did you ever need to be trained to have more emotional control, or even have to train someone? How did you do it and did it work?
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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 10:39:27 AM   
aldompdx


Posts: 538
Joined: 10/24/2004
Status: offline 		That is a core subject of my mentoring. It is achieved by gaining greater awareness through meditation. With such awareness, one exercises more free choice from self will, rather than mere subconscious reaction. An objective is not to repress feelings, but to center them and maintain balance.

(in reply to BerryDelicious)
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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 10:46:34 AM   
Kana


Posts: 6676
Joined: 10/24/2006
Status: offline 		Duct tape!




No seriously. When I was a kid I had a real bad temper, and reacted rather than acted. Part of growing up was learning to control my emotions rather than letting them control me.
Attacking the symptom (the mouthiness) has a simple answer. Pause, and take a second or two before you open your mouth and reflect on what you are about to say.
More importantly though I would be asking what is going on inside. Where is the fear? What internal tripwire is getting hit that triggers an immediate response on your part? Or are you just a spoiled, mouthy, whiny brat?( I am not saying this is the case, but it is certainly a possibility-the world is full of them.)
If it's the prior, then the two of you get down to causes and conditions-work on them and it's my experience that you will have a deeper fuller more rewarding relationship for your troubles.
If it's the latter, well that can be worked on too, but that's a different story.


_____________________________

"One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die. "
HST

(in reply to BerryDelicious)
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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 10:47:43 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		OK, try this on for size Berry. In my experience, such a thing simply requires a pause. Your brain gets going and wants to say something. But you need a little pause in-between when the brain formulates these thoughts and the mouth utters them. In that brief moment of time, you can review what you are about to say and how you intend to say it. The key question is,

"Will this thing be productive to my relationship or unproductive?"


Ultimately, it is a matter of self-discipline... not an easy thing to acquire and even more annoying to actually execute on *laughs*. Consider this though... your ability to keep your eye on the ball and not get lost in the emotions of the moment is a key determining factor in your ability to have and maintain a solid relationship of any sort. This is not a s-type thing. It's a people thing and a trait very much worth the effort it takes to acquire.

Under no circumstance, though, should you use this concept as a means to censor yourself. Doing so is ultimately the kiss of death to a relationship. Both how and when you say things are important parts of communication. But ultimately, you must express your true self or you are not actually participating in the relationship. Silence is not golden.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 10:52:59 AM   
servitor1A


Posts: 10
Joined: 3/12/2005
Status: offline 		Could a candidate slave be trained to not be depressed? That would be awesome. ...and might help turn a candidate into a desirable and eventually owned one.

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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 10:55:38 AM   
UniqueRaven


Posts: 1237
Joined: 9/30/2009
From: Austin, TX
Status: offline 		i am a very emotional person.  i actually process the world via my emotions, and i have to "sit back" and be present with them (often for quite some time) before they finally work into cohesive thoughts, and actions.

i used to try to express myself with emotions too - and often impulsively, and in not so good ways.  i had to realize that when a situation is stressful for you nobody listens to emotions - they listen to words.  You have to be able to simply accept the emotions, and work positively and constructively with your Master, no matter how you feel.  Being able to say "i'm afraid" or "my heart is hurting" is much better than having a crying raging fit.

What made the deepest transformation for me was yoga, and meditation.  And it doesn't happen overnight, it takes a good deal of time and it is a sloooow change.  But when you're working with something that has been engrained in you for so long, it will take time - so be gentle with yourself.  Yoga is not merely an athletic system, it is an energy system.  By exercising your body through energetic movements, and focusing and clearing your mind, you can achieve a great deal of emotional maturity - which is what you're going for here.

The biggest piece of advice i can give is to be gentle with yourself, and ask your Dom to please be patient with you as you work on this.  It will not happen overnight, but if you figure out how to calm and center your mind and body, eventually, it will happen.

Good luck to you.

_____________________________

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy. I can't figure it out. What am I doing right?" ~Snoopy (Charles Schultz)

My blog is at http://takinghishand.wordpress.com

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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 10:56:35 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: servitor1A
Could a candidate slave be trained to not be depressed? That would be awesome. ...and might help turn a candidate into a desirable and eventually owned one.
In my opinion, that would depend on the nature of the depression. If it's surface level crap, then possibly. For the more deeply seated stuff, it would take an extremely strong dynamic to do something about it and you have a cart before the horse problem.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to servitor1A)
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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 11:00:06 AM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Hello there BerryDelicious,

I'm going to unleash a rubbish analogy - which is very much in line with the advice you've already been given. A while ago I was working with a photographer, he's pretty famous in his field (he's primarily a war photographer) and I overheard him being asked  about what it takes to be a good photographer. His response was amazingly simple he said "99% of taking a good photograph is stopping for a second to ask yourself whether the image you see through the lens will make a good picture - A second of self-appraisal might make you move the camera only very slightly, but is bound to produce a better result".

I give similar advice to clients when negotiations are breaking down, I tell them to stop for a second before they react and ask themselves "How is what I plan to say going to help me acheive my goal", in a good proportion of cases that moment's reflection makes all the difference.

If you find yourself unhappy with something, stop for a second and ask "how can I react in a way that's most likely to improve the situation?".

Easier said than done - it takes practice, but it's worked wonders with my clients (and my photography!).



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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 11:27:13 AM   
Mercnbeth


Posts: 11766
Status: offline
quote:

...Did you ever need to be trained to have more emotional control...


yes...but not by Master.
it was a very long time ago ~ this slave's emotional outbursts and undesirable speech were trained out of her through face slapping----at the same time, any flinching, crying out or rasing arms or hands to protect the face earned another face slap---followed up with periods of solitary confinement.

it was pretty effective ~ this slave takes full responsibility for her emotions and refrains from negatively inflicting them on others ~ she'll isolate herself if the mood swings are just too damn powerful, rather than take what she is feeling out on someone else.

additionally, to this day, if this slave's face is slapped, regardless of circumstance, she immediately shuts down emotionally & physically and focuses on remaining perfectly quiet and still...like a statue.

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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 12:29:19 PM   
pompeii


Posts: 934
Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
Status: offline 		Your mind is too active and doesn't have other things to think about when you're about to blurt out your innermost thoughts. Many people either have dull minds, hence they don't output what they think; others slower processors than yours so it takes more time to bust out of the inner self; while yours is intelligent, active, and fast.

You need some technique to mimic the slowness of most other people.

What I use is I purposefully and deliberately stare at all the features of the others' face as they are talking. Since I already processed everything they said and were about to say (most of the time anyway), I can finish their damn sentences for them ... but to prevent that ... what I do is multiplex. Basically I use my spare mental CPU cycles to do something else related to them so that they don't know that I've already understood and processed what they are about to say since most people are so damn linear you can predict their entire sentence like the curves in the road ahead of you.

Deliberately study their chin, the way their lips move as they speak, the furtive darting of their eyes, the colors in their hair, and the little tiny wisps of downy hairs on the tips of their ears ... observe anything you like ... but use this to slow down your processor so that you match their pace.

Try it and let us know if/how it works for you...

Best of luck to you ...

Ciao,
Pompeii

(in reply to Mercnbeth)
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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 1:27:03 PM   
Missokyst


Posts: 6041
Joined: 9/9/2006
Status: offline 		Yeowie.. I do this too, only not from slaps, but from raised voices.
It is like being a deer caught in headlights..
For the OP.... just slow down before you speak, but DO speak.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Mercnbeth
to this day, if this slave's face is slapped, regardless of circumstance, she immediately shuts down emotionally & physically and focuses on remaining perfectly quiet and still...like a statue.[/color]


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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 1:31:39 PM   
January


Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline 		Hi Berry,

How'd that spanking go this morning?


January

_____________________________

[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]




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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 1:38:17 PM   
elleX


Posts: 161
Joined: 10/24/2009
Status: offline 		well ,, i beleive that you will need to learn how to pause , how to stop,, there is no instant  magic way to control your self ,but the capacity to step back
also there is period where you surelly feel more vulnerable
in those time you  have to find way to * escape * finds way to take action before the mouthty sceance happen
The kind of help you need is to learn to develop insight  about your inner mechanism of defense when you are under stress
good luck

(in reply to Missokyst)
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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 4:09:24 PM   
KnightofMists


Posts: 7149
Joined: 7/29/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BerryDelicious
My dominant wants me to work on learning emotional control. I have serious problems with controlling my mouth when I get too frustrated or anxious or don't feel like I'm being listened to. He is going to help me by trying to acknowledge my feelings even if he is going to make another decision that I don't like, but I still need to learn how to stay calm and not raise my voice to him or be disrespectful when I get worked up.

Please don't be mean, I know this is very serious and I want to learn how to change it. Did you ever need to be trained to have more emotional control, or even have to train someone? How did you do it and did it work?
[/font][/size]


I suggest you get the book "Mind over Mood" by Dennis Greenberger, PhD and Christine A Padesky, PhD. This is no quick fix and the book is for both of you not just you! Your Dominant needs to appreciate what to do just as much as you do. The name of the book implies it's about using your mind to control your emotions. But first you need to control what you think and this book will help with that as well. The book is more a work book than it's something to read and then put back on to the shelf.

But managing your thoughts you will be better able to manage your emotions and avoid those emotional outbursts. As I said this is not going to be a quick fix and the more support you get... the easier it will be.

_____________________________

Knight of Mists

An Optimal relationship is achieved when the individuals do what is best for themselves and their relationship.

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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 4:21:28 PM   
SirIntense


Posts: 2
Joined: 6/15/2005
Status: offline 		I knew a Dominant when I first discovered this lifestyle who used to put a cricket in his subs mouth when she had outbursts.  She was required to keep it in her mouth for 10 mins before she could let it out.  she hated it fiercely but credited it over a year later for controlling her outbursts.

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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 4:34:22 PM   
Elisabella


Posts: 3939
Status: offline 		-FR-

If your partner really wants to invest in this improvement he should help you find a qualified therapist. The most effective way to learn something is usually hands-on training with a qualified teacher.

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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 5:26:23 PM   
DarkSteven


Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: servitor1A

Could a candidate slave be trained to not be depressed? That would be awesome. ...and might help turn a candidate into a desirable and eventually owned one.


Probably not.  Depression is not a cause but a symptom.  If the cause is something that can be controlled, then yes.  But if it's due to physical issues, etc., then I very much doubt it.


_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 5:29:56 PM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		In the rush to help her "fix" here outburts...lets remember that some dominants do shit that not only deserves an emotional outburst but a swift kick to the nads.

Lets not forget, the op said her dominant is going to
quote:

He is going to help me by trying to acknowledge my feelings
which sounds to me like he HASN'T being doing that.

Like most things in life, both people are creating the problem and both need to work on fixing it.

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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 6:32:40 PM   
Smutmonger


Posts: 995
Joined: 2/17/2010
Status: offline 		Op....think of something bad to say-then either be quiet-or say something exactly opposite of what you WANT to.

_____________________________

I didn't get into an alternative lifestyle to explore new frontiers in conformity.

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RE: Emotional control training - 4/26/2010 9:45:14 PM   
dreamerdreaming


Posts: 2839
Status: offline 		1) As said above: if your dom is an asshole, controlling your emotional outbursts will be a LOT more of a challenge. If you were with someone who validated your feelings, you'd likely not feel as though you had to get all worked up, just to make your point.

2) Breath. Its an old yoga technique. Inhale and exhale, each for a slow count of four or five. Do this several times, or for several minutes, or whatever- until you are completely focused on your breathing. Relax.

3) You are the controller of your thoughts, feelings, deeds and words. To borrow from Neil Peart (of Rush):
If you choose not to control what you think, feel, do and say-  you still have made a choice.

_____________________________

Download SLAVE LOVER. Explicit BDSM porn, with a plot! A love story, on a FemDom planet! http://www.amazon.com/Slave-Lover-Chronicles-Book-ebook/dp/B0031ERBLI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1261973416&sr=1

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