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ishyB -> RE: Dealing with being Sexually Attractive (4/28/2010 2:12:22 PM)
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When I was a kid, I got bullied in school. I've always been quite tall for my age, and a tomboy rather than a girlie girl, so the thing I got bullied with the most was the accusation that I was ugly.
I was called a boy when I was very young, and in my teenage years, I was told that no man/boy would ever find me attractive.
I blossomed late, and for the longest time, I had no hips, no breasts, and no curves whatsoever. I considered myself to be hideous.
Because of a troubled childhood, I started running away from home in my late teens, when I first started to blossom. One of the most surprising things that happened to me when I ran away (and which is probably also partly the reason I kept doing it) is that I now was in social environments with men instead of the boys I've known at school (clubs, bars...)
To my utter amazement, these men didn't think I was ugly at all; in fact, they did everything they could to convince me they felt contrary to that. They told me I was pretty, gorgeous, fabulous... and for the first time in my life, I felt accepted.
However, I quickly learned that these compliments were not giving for free, and something was always expected in return.
Hey, a drunken teen chick who needs a bed for the night, who wouldn't fuck that, right? Or at least, that seemed to be the opinion of the men I met...
Because of all this, I still have a very weird relationship with my self-image. I don't believe anybody when they tell me I'm attractive. In fact, it most often makes me feel hostile and distrustful towards them, because OBVIOUSLY they are only saying it because they want something from me.
At the same time, I've learned to accept that I am generally considered to be attractive by a lot of people, and I rationally know that if somebody says something to that effect, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are trying to take advantage of me.
I also still have a very hard time seeing myself as being attractive. It's sorta like what I once read about anorexia patients: when they stand in front of the mirror, they literally don't see how skinny they are. Well with me, when I stand in front of the mirror, I literally still don't see any curves. I still see a boyish stick figure, too tall, too square, and not feminine at all.
I rationally know that isn't true, but I just have a really hard time seeing it.
So I hide my own insecurities about my looks as well, but in a totally different way than what's previously been described on this thread.
I hide behind being overtly sexual, and slutty, because I've become to expect that that's the only way men will find value in me. At the same time, I feel as if I'm able to be in control by being overtly sexual. If I can MAKE them want me, I can control them. This all has resulted in me often dressing very feminine, and very sexual, and behaving the same way, regardless of the negative consequences that sometimes has on the way people relate to me and perceive me, because I feel that if I purposely choose to make to dress in a certain way and make them feel about me a certain way, I'm really the one in control of the way they perceive me.
In the most recent years, I've found more of a balance on the way I perceive myself, and the way I feel comfortable with others perceiving me, but my self-image is still not very accurate, and I still struggle a lot with the attention, or the lack of attention people give to me based on how I look. I still often feel very ugly, and I still often use my sexuality as a weapon, and I still have a hard time dealing with any kind of comment made about my appearance, by anybody.
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