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Looking for advice, experience in long distance relatio... - 4/28/2010 11:13:51 AM   
forevrownd


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/28/2010
Status: offline 		Back story:

I met this person several years ago, we hit it off immediately. He opened my eyes to everything I have always wanted. We live quite far away from each other and over the years it has been on and off between the two of us. But when ever we have fallen out of touch, inevitably he or I make contact again.

Through out this 'relationship' I have had RL relationships, which obviously would stop us from talking. Recently he contacted me again and I am now single. He has asked me to come see him and yes I do want to. However I have family obligations that keep me from just visiting, money is not the issue tho.

So my questions are this:

If you are D how do you approach your long distance relationship?
What more can I do to make this more RL then just online (besides the visiting as this would not be an option for some time)?
If you are s what do you ask of your online D? And how are your day to day interacts?
If you are a D what would make you come back to one particular s time after time (over years)?

I personally am commited to this person, what I feel for him is like nothing else, and I truly feel that right now is our time and I don't want to miss it.

Thanks in advance from a very confused girl :)
Profile   Post #: 1
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 4/28/2010 12:08:10 PM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline 		Hello there !

Personally, I believe you are jumping ahead of yourself.  The only thing you need to work out at the moment is whether you will have the ability or want to make this relationship move from offline eventually.  If you are happy with online, then cool.  But until you meet and spend time together, you can't possibly know if this relationship is even viable.  Meet first, then work on the relationship.

the.dark.

_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to forevrownd)
Profile   Post #: 2
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 4/28/2010 2:10:55 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		So you can't get away for a weekend. Any reason he can't?

Seems to me he could come to you, stay in a hotel and plan to sightsee if it doesn't work out. No matter what, he gets a weekend off and hopefully you folks discover that there is chemistry in person as well.

Make it clear this is for meeting only and in public. There will be no play.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to RCdc)
Profile   Post #: 3
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 4/28/2010 3:05:05 PM   
forevrownd


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/28/2010
Status: offline 		Thanks for responding.

I don't know how I'm getting ahead of myself, I didn't say I wanted to marry him. What I meant by saying 'missing it' was I don't think I could be ok with the constant wonder in the back of my head of what might have been. I am not that naive to think we will float off to funland and live with ponies and flowers after one date.

No, I can't just go away for the weekend at least not for a few months, however meeting half way is a possibility. And we have discussed this, right now is just an awkward time for both of us.

My questions were more directed to making the relationship more exciting online since that is all we are able to do right now.

(in reply to DesFIP)
Profile   Post #: 4
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 4/28/2010 4:40:55 PM   
babygurlangel


Posts: 85
Joined: 12/13/2009
Status: offline 		I don't know how you can make it more exciting online. I was in the same situation as you a few weeks ago and the main thing I can say to you is try different things and you can always talk on the phone makes it more real that way. And meeting somewhere even if half way is better than not meeting at all. Best wishes.

_____________________________

Owned 1/28/2010 by TheLovingDom

(in reply to forevrownd)
Profile   Post #: 5
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 4/28/2010 5:58:07 PM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		i kinda know where youre at here, have been in an on off situation with an ex Master - its off and we dont communicate for ages, but we both know its ticking away all of the time and i can pick up the phone and say 'yes, lets do it' and we would.  we connected in a big way, we live even further apart now that he's moved and up until fairly recently we were discussing getting back together again.

now im about to meet up with a long time friend from here and we're keeping it cool and low key but the option is there if we both want it, i think, to take it further in some form.

the thing is this, you havent found anyone significant enough to break the cord with this guy.  youve had other relationships that clearly didnt pan and each time you sway back to each other.  im not saying you should break the cord, im just saying that until you meet someone who lights you up this is going to keep happening.

i have various reasons why i know going to back to my ex Master would maybe be a bad idea for me.  the connection/relationship/friendship thing is really really strong but there are factors that keep me away.  the factor for you is LDR and how to keep the thing fresh, fun and constant rather than it breaking up again after a time.

whatever the obsticle, if it doesnt get resolved it will always be a problem.

so already youre feeling 'bad' cos you cant skip over to him, family obligations - ive been there too - flooded kitchen, leaking bedroom radiator wrecking carpet, car wouldnt start, horse threw a shoe and i had to get the farrier in - the list goes on and on, life happens.

i dont have an answer to youre LDR question other than the usual stuff that people do and you already know im sure.  im just saying ive been in the same boat, thinking this one guy was the only one to ever really 'get' me, understand me and trip my slave wire so effectively - but im keeping myself focused on why things didnt work out the time before and im moving forward.

its not a suggestion, just a thought. and i know it isnt the advice you asked for, but i can only share what i have and thats all i have.

take care. x

< Message edited by lally2 -- 4/28/2010 5:59:44 PM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to babygurlangel)
Profile   Post #: 6
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 4/28/2010 6:32:32 PM   
DomImus


Posts: 2004
Joined: 3/17/2009
Status: offline 		I can't even tell from the OP whether the two of you have ever met face to face.

I guess I'll wait for page 6 to comment further.


_____________________________

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." Sidney J. harris

(in reply to forevrownd)
Profile   Post #: 7
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 4/28/2010 6:48:54 PM   
forevrownd


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/28/2010
Status: offline 		Thank you lally2, no that was very helpful. Sometimes it feels like no one around me would understand the situation. babygurlangel, thanks for the response. Yes, we do talk on the phone. Do to our schedules right now it's not as often as it used to be, but that's ok. I don't want him to feel as if I am uninterested but I don't want him to feel as tho I am bothering him. Ha, such a fine line.

No, DomImus, we have not met. Hence, I want to maintain the 'spark' we do have until this would be a possible option.

(in reply to DomImus)
Profile   Post #: 8
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 4/29/2010 12:38:47 AM   
RCdc


Posts: 8674
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: forevrownd

Thanks for responding.

I don't know how I'm getting ahead of myself, I didn't say I wanted to marry him. What I meant by saying 'missing it' was I don't think I could be ok with the constant wonder in the back of my head of what might have been. I am not that naive to think we will float off to funland and live with ponies and flowers after one date.



Because you define the relationship as long distance - which is different from an online only relationship which is essentially what you have.
When I first had exchanges with Master, we were at other ends of the country.  That was not a long distance relationship because we had never met.  It was an online one.  Then eventually we met and then met again and eventually decided to try and make the relationship work, it then became a long distance one.  There is a big difference between having a relationship with a person you have never met and one where you have.  I'm not just saying that without having any experience of either.

You asked...

quote:

What more can I do to make this more RL then just online (besides the visiting as this would not be an option for some time)?

You use the telephone.  You talk over a webcam.  That is what we did.  But that doesn't make it any more real, it's still online.
We never did all the cyber sex thing because that wouldn't have made it anymore real either.  Also remember that people can record what you are doing without you knowing.

quote:

If you are s what do you ask of your online D? And how are your day to day interacts?

I never asked anything of him when our relationship was online because it was online and there is nothing that can be done that makes it real.  It's completely different and seperate.
That said, day to day, there was nothing any different to any relationship I've had.  I was never told I couldn't phone a certain time or anything, he would ring me, text me and visa versa.  We told each other about our days.  We'd go online and work together on our photography.  We would listen to music together and just share stuff like any friends would.


quote:

If you are a D what would make you come back to one particular s time after time (over years)?

He states it was because we were compatable.  Because I didn't ask for anything unrealistic.  Because our relationship evolved.  It was just a natural evolution just like any relationship.

There is nothing negative about online relationships and maybe calling it long distance keeps the wolves away for sure(had you titled it as such you would be getting way different responses). But if you are questioning externally what you can do to increase the excitement instead of talking to him about it - personally I would have to sit back and ask myself why.  If this is a relationship where you are planning to meet, wait until that happens and see if you click then.  But if you are happy not meeting and want to invest time in a online relationship, then that is a different thing entirely, with different answers.

the.dark.


_____________________________
RC&dc


love isnt gazing into each others eyes - it's looking forward in the same direction

(in reply to forevrownd)
Profile   Post #: 9
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 4/29/2010 1:04:31 AM   
leadership527


Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline 		OK, I'm married to Carol, my wife and also slave. In addition, I have an online slave who happens to be 6000 miles away. We take the relationship very seriously, but also realize the limitations it has. My views are my own on this and pretty much nobody in the online community agrees with me... YMMV.

If you are D how do you approach your long distance relationship?
I approach it like a relationship. How else is there to approach it? I give her a great deal of very genuine time, love, and attention. When we are online, she is "mine". When we are in skype, she is not mine. Generally, i treat her much like I do Carol... I direct the relationship and everything in it. Unlike with carol though, I do not encourage ever-deepening submission nor do I encourage her to feel "owned". I keep her two separate persona's carefully separate. I do this because I actually care about this woman.... see thoughts below.

What more can I do to make this more RL then just online (besides the visiting as this would not be an option for some time)?
There's lots of things you CAN do. In my opinion, all of them are recklessly foolish. The dom just does not know the sub or the sub's life well enough to give such commands. And you never can. No matter how "close" you feel (and trust me on this, I feel VERY close to my online slave), it is just not the same as sleeping with my wife every night. I KNOW Carol. Not only is there the problem of insufficient knowledge. There is also the issue of recklessly building castles on foundations of sand. I can only be so trustworthy to my online slave. No matter what a great guy I am, I have an entire other life which has it's demands and they take precedence. Whereas, with Carol, she IS the entire life which takes precedence.

If you are s what do you ask of your online D? And how are your day to day interacts?
She asks me to love her. We do a lot of hanging out together and chatting... just like a real relationship.

If you are a D what would make you come back to one particular s time after time (over years)?
Uh, I like her?

I personally am commited to this person, what I feel for him is like nothing else, and I truly feel that right now is our time and I don't want to miss it.
And that part in red there is EXACTLY why I carefully control how much D/s happens online and very, very seldom let it slip over the border into RL. These are some fairly deep-seated and primal buttons your playing with. Of COURSE they produce potent effects. But as the dominant, I am all too acutely aware that I cannot ever live up to the responsibility that comes with the dom role as long as this is long-distance only.

Thanks in advance from a very confused girl :)
You're welcome. I know you won't listen to what I wrote and neither will he. But you're welcome anyway.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to forevrownd)
Profile   Post #: 10
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 4/29/2010 2:22:38 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: forevrownd

.

No, DomImus, we have not met. Hence, I want to maintain the 'spark' we do have until this would be a possible option.

.
since you havent met yet i think you should fix a date in the future.  draw a big red circle round it and warn family that you are going to be away then and they need to put it in their diary, it aint gonna budge.  be really selfish about this.  when you have a date to focus on together and plan for, it will help to erradicate these blues of having to turn him down this recent time, which in of itself, just makes everything feel out of youre control and pervasively against you meeting up.  its a negative thing inside when you have to do that, makes you feel that youve let him down and put the whole thing off again - so make a date, a month, two months away, but no longer than that and plan that time together.

other than that get creative.  write letters to each other - hand written mail is so much more personal.  find funny cards, things to put in there.  that physical contact will be one connection.  have him set you fun little things to do, i avoid the whole 'task' thing, just light easy to do things that makes him feel close to you as you do them.  in turn he'll know youre responding to him and that will help him.

put a special time aside for each other to cam and IM.  make it youres.

but also consider that this first meet if all goes well is just the begining of a difficult climb for both of you if it continues.  how indefinite is it going to be, is there an option of relocation for either of you.  in reality how realistic is it for you both. and is it going to be putting pressure on you or him each time plans go awry and you have to cancel.  that is a big thing.  i had to end a relationship once purely and simply because my life is chaotic and each time we planned to get together something happened to screw it up - it made me feel so bad and neg about myself and made it all feel hopeless because there was no way i could relocate to him and he was never going to relocate down here.

im only saying this because i think you really need to get all of this clear in youre head before you get any more deeply involved than you are.  having said that i know you have to meet him, you cant pass this up.  so draw that red circle round the date in youre diary and promise youreself that come hell or high water that date is indellable and unmovable.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 4/29/2010 2:28:22 AM >

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to forevrownd)
Profile   Post #: 11
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 4/29/2010 8:06:48 AM   
forevrownd


Posts: 4
Joined: 4/28/2010
Status: offline 		RCdc After rereading my original post I could have worded it better, and given more details as to the entire situation. I do want to say that I have not brought meeting up to him, he asked me. As I am sure you know it is very hard to read how someone feels in just words on a screen sometimes. We are not so far apart tho that if we did meet and things went well that it would be impossible to make it continue.

leadership When I said 'like nothing else' I was more referring to him opening my eyes to the fact that what I have fantasized for years (before meeting him) is real and doesn't make me weird or silly. He does not make demands of me, never has. He doesn't look at this (nor do I) as if I were living with him. He knows the things I do for him are because I want to not because he demands or even expects them. They are presents that only he gets to enjoy.

lally2 Thanks, that is exactly how I feel. Like I'm not giving him what he wants, or needs, not that he has ever said this was the case. I have been giving it more thought and I may be able to get around some obstacles in order to meet up sooner then originally thought. And you are right I do need to circle it red on my calendar. I do have one RL friend who I have discussed this situation with and she is supportive which helps. Although she does not know about the non-vanilla side of it, so it's hard telling her that I feel like I am letting him down.

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 12
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 4/30/2010 5:52:00 AM   
CelticPrince


Posts: 3613
Joined: 4/15/2005
Status: offline
quote:

i kinda know where youre at here, have been in an on off situation with an ex Master - its off and we dont communicate for ages, but we both know its ticking away all of the time and i can pick up the phone and say 'yes, lets do it' and we would. we connected in a big way, we live even further apart now that he's moved and up until fairly recently we were discussing getting back together again.

now im about to meet up with a long time friend from here and we're keeping it cool and low key but the option is there if we both want it, i think, to take it further in some form.

the thing is this, you havent found anyone significant enough to break the cord with this guy. youve had other relationships that clearly didnt pan and each time you sway back to each other. im not saying you should break the cord, im just saying that until you meet someone who lights you up this is going to keep happening.

i have various reasons why i know going to back to my ex Master would maybe be a bad idea for me. the connection/relationship/friendship thing is really really strong but there are factors that keep me away. the factor for you is LDR and how to keep the thing fresh, fun and constant rather than it breaking up again after a time.

whatever the obsticle, if it doesnt get resolved it will always be a problem.

lally,

advice well presented.

CP

so already youre feeling 'bad' cos you cant skip over to him, family obligations - ive been there too - flooded kitchen, leaking bedroom radiator wrecking carpet, car wouldnt start, horse threw a shoe and i had to get the farrier in - the list goes on and on, life happens.

i dont have an answer to youre LDR question other than the usual stuff that people do and you already know im sure. im just saying ive been in the same boat, thinking this one guy was the only one to ever really 'get' me, understand me and trip my slave wire so effectively - but im keeping myself focused on why things didnt work out the time before and im moving forward.

its not a suggestion, just a thought. and i know it isnt the advice you asked for, but i can only share what i have and thats all i have.

take care. x

(in reply to lally2)
Profile   Post #: 13
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 4/30/2010 6:02:53 AM   
lusciouslips19


Posts: 9792
Joined: 9/8/2007
Status: offline 		Honestly, i would not even venture into an online relationship or long distance. It would just frustrate me. Though a few have worked, though you would need to commit and one person or the other move. I have seen more that have fallen by the wayside after a few months as the distance got in the way. I know if I am in a relationship, I want more to hold than just my pillow at night. But thats just me. But lets face it. The odds of it working long term are really small and its not as satisfying as having someone within 30 miles of you.

< Message edited by lusciouslips19 -- 4/30/2010 6:03:35 AM >

_____________________________

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Keeper of Original Home Flag and Fire of Mr. Lance Hughes
Charter member of Lance's Fag Hags,
Member of the Subbie Mafia
Princess of typos and it's my prerogative

(in reply to CelticPrince)
Profile   Post #: 14
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 5/1/2010 10:43:33 AM   
whipmaker7


Posts: 82
Joined: 4/30/2010
Status: offline 		forevrownd,

I have had two long distance relationships over the past ten years. Once thing I learned was to get the 411 on my prospects pretty early on. I don't play the "wait three months with email exchanges before we move to phone thing."

I make sure i get the phone number, along with a few reliable photos up front. I will say though that before I even bother with the phone, i make sure we are compatible intellectually.

Now I suspect you two have moved beyond all that, so I won't keep going with my rules of first contact. I will say that I talk and email a lot, and I like to see if the woman on the other end jives with my way of thinking, and how mine jives with her. I make sure I'm honest to myself about this. I've flown girls to me to get my knob polished and stuff, but that gets old quick.

What I look for is compatibility and a sense of kinship with another soul, if that doesn't sound too mushy. Having the ability to open up to another person and connect in deeply personal ways does it for me. So to answer your question, that's what keeps me coming back year after year. I'll overlook lack of physical perfection for brains anyday.

(in reply to forevrownd)
Profile   Post #: 15
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 5/20/2010 6:49:38 AM   
bliss4us09


Posts: 106
Joined: 3/31/2009
Status: offline 		If you want more than you have now, you will need to arrange a meeting in the foreseeable future. If he balks at that, it tells you he doesn't want more. If he says yes, you can use the intervening time to learn enough about each other that the meeting will be less awkward getting-to-know-you and more substantive.

(in reply to whipmaker7)
Profile   Post #: 16
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 5/20/2010 9:38:26 AM   
porcelaine


Posts: 5020
Joined: 7/24/2006
Status: offline 		forevrownd,

quote:

What more can I do to make this more RL then just online (besides the visiting as this would not be an option for some time)?


Two things come to mind as I read this. You've already drawn pretty visible lines on what's possible. Yet you're wondering what "you" can do to make this real. But there's really two people involved. I wonder if he has the same hankering on his end or if he's satisfied with things as they are.

It is online. That doesn't mean you can't be creative about the time spent conversing. However, it is online and that's the medium you're working in and you must accept there are notable differences. You can't simulate real life, though some make a valiant attempt to do so.

quote:

If you are s what do you ask of your online D? And how are your day to day interacts?


I've conversed with prospects online and my responses were very different than they would have been if we'd been standing face to face. In my case it usually isn't positive. I act on ideas I would never pull in person because I know better. But time, space, and a zany thought go a long way when the consequences are different. I think a situation can progress from this space but it has to be something both people want to do. I've done it twice and in each circumstance they were totally committed to that outcome. Not only in words but deeds as well.

quote:

I personally am commited to this person, what I feel for him is like nothing else, and I truly feel that right now is our time and I don't want to miss it.


I get that. But if you really feel this way I'd think you'd have to step out of your comfort zone. It's time to put up, otherwise it is merely an idea you've never brought to fruition.

~porcelaine


_____________________________

His will; my fate.

(in reply to forevrownd)
Profile   Post #: 17
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 5/20/2010 9:44:46 AM   
bluefireeyez


Posts: 119
Joined: 12/15/2008
Status: offline 		I agree, set up a time when you guys can meet. However, speaking from experience...the first time together will be a little ackward. Hopefully after the first few moments, you will be able to be more relaxed.

When Master came out here to meet me, I was very nervous. What helped us was that W/we were both as honest with eachother as possible about who and how W/we were. Our relationship continues because W/we focus on the everyday stuff. When He is busy with work, that is what consumes O/our conversations. When I am freaking out about something silly, He is right there to calm me down. W/we both enjoy playing on the phone at times but it is only a percentage of what makes us work.

Long distance can work. If you want it to. Just remember that the relationship needs all of the components of one when you are closer. In fact, sometimes long distance takes more work with communication to avoid misunderstandings. Good luck.

(in reply to bliss4us09)
Profile   Post #: 18
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 5/20/2010 3:35:10 PM   
DesFIP


Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline 		W were online for about a month before we met and then mostly online with meeting every couple of months.

What was most important was not the cyber sex or phone sex, although that was fun.

What was real was talking to each other about every little detail in our lives. So when my daughter backed into the garage door and bent the track, we didn't have phone sex. Instead he talked me through removing the bent bracket and told me to take it to the local hardware store who would either straighten it for me or sell me a new one.

When I remembered at midnight that I hadn't taken out the garbage, he waited for me to come back and make sure I had gotten out and back safely.

When he caught a cold, which he never does, I recommended he go sign out the good decongestant with the pharmacist, not bother with the otc ones.

Doing these kinds of things kept us connected, helped us become close friends. And that, above all, is what you need in a partner, someone you like to spend time with.


_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!


(in reply to bluefireeyez)
Profile   Post #: 19
RE: Looking for advice, experience in long distance rel... - 5/20/2010 11:12:54 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: forevrownd

Back story:

I met this person several years ago, we hit it off immediately. He opened my eyes to everything I have always wanted. We live quite far away from each other and over the years it has been on and off between the two of us. But when ever we have fallen out of touch, inevitably he or I make contact again.

Through out this 'relationship' I have had RL relationships, which obviously would stop us from talking. Recently he contacted me again and I am now single. He has asked me to come see him and yes I do want to. However I have family obligations that keep me from just visiting, money is not the issue tho.



Thanks in advance from a very confused girl :)



I call bull shit. You have had several years to hook up and have not for The "reasons" dont matter. What matters is the fact that you haven't. That's a should be a pretty big CLUE. So spare me the drama.

If I was that connected to someone it would not take me "several years" to see if that online connection was real or not!

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to forevrownd)
Profile   Post #: 20
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