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Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 4:34:05 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
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Hello A/all,

i don't know if there is already a thread on the question that i am about to pose, if so it would be wonderful to be able to read it.

However this is the question. It was recently posted to me by a Dominant that i am talking with that there is a completely different mindset between those in the lifestyle who will play in public and those who will only play in private. Differing views on which is more intimate, as most who play publicly usually do not include sex in those scenes, while those who play privately always include sex. The gist of what i got from the comment was there was a great divide between the two camps and it was fixed.

i would really like some additional opinions on this topic. Thank you.

heartfelt

Post #: 1

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 4:52:03 AM

Focus50

Posts: 3962
Joined: 12/28/2004
From: Newcastle, Australia
Status: offline

I'm in your "play in private" category and the answer is really quite simple....

I regard "dominant" as being an integral part of my sexuality along with being male and hetero. The act of "playing" in a D/s sense is how I express physical intimacy - the same as sex. I don't play in front of an audience anymore than I would have sex - it's personal and *private*!

Not sure if it's generally accurate but I once expressed the difference as being that public play is about the play but private (for me) is more about *who* I'm playing with - spectators aren't welcome...!

Focus.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 2

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 4:56:41 AM

LadyMorgynn

Posts: 800
Joined: 11/25/2005
From: N. Carolina
Status: offline

You also have to consider that, personal preference aside, a lot of dungeons don't allow sexual intercourse (or oral sex) at their play parties.

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(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 3

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 4:56:56 AM

catize

Posts: 3020
Joined: 3/7/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Hello A/all,

i don't know if there is already a thread on the question that i am about to pose, if so it would be wonderful to be able to read it.

However this is the question. It was recently posted to me by a Dominant that i am talking with that there is a completely different mindset between those in the lifestyle who will play in public and those who will only play in private. Differing views on which is more intimate, as most who play publicly usually do not include sex in those scenes, while those who play privately always include sex. The gist of what i got from the comment was there was a great divide between the two camps and it was fixed.

i would really like some additional opinions on this topic. Thank you.

heartfelt

And this dominant speaks for everyone?
Privacy does not mean that sex must be involved, and I know quite a few people who particpate in play parties but also play in private.

_____________________________

"Power is real. But it's a lot less real if it's not perceived as power."
Robert Parker, Stranger in Paradise

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 4

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 5:01:08 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
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i guess the underlying question is this, is there an inherent incompatibility between those who enjoy or need to play in public (am a bit of an exhibitionist) and those who will never play in public, or can the divide be crossed?

(in reply to catize)

Post #: 5

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 5:02:09 AM

Zenonis

Posts: 25
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline

   To me it is not so cut and dried as he put it to be. I have done both public and private play. Have been with subs that had preferences for one or the other. Not sure that there is such a great divide between the people that do either. And people do change prefferences. I have done long intense sessions of private play that did not include sex. And have done public play (house party) that included sexual play. Depended on the time and place, my mood and what the sub I was playing with was comfortable with.
  Some times people start out only with private, then explore public play. LOL have known a few that it was a "i will never do that"... then later there they were getting a spanking in the middle of the room at a party.
   To some, public display is part of their kink, some are not comfortable with it at all. Some Masters feel that their slave should not be seen by others at play, others enjoys showing their girl to others. Also who would see the play matters also. Some times people will be more public in a setting with friends they know well.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 6

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 5:02:59 AM

sweetpleaser

Posts: 689
Joined: 8/5/2004
From: Florida
Status: offline

I haven't noticed a divide between public and private. I'd love to play in public because of all the toys

but my husband is private. I would say private IS more intimate. And in our situation, it does lead to sex. I can't help it!!

_____________________________

~ann~

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.--Mae West

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 7

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 5:07:44 AM

Sensualips

Posts: 1013
Joined: 10/8/2005
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I would not say those that play privately always include sex. I think that varies between partners and the nature of the relationship. I have also seen a lot of public sex, though it really depends on the venue and the rules. Overall I don't think sex itself is a measure of intimacy.

I am one that enjoys public play. That is based on my voyeuristic/exhibitionist streak, the opportunity to use different equipment and play spaces, as well as liking the group setting from a security aspect. But I also play alone. It is possible I would eventually tire of public play, or at least do it less frequently.

There are people that are not comfortable playing in public, and probably never will be. Others may eventually enjoy it to some degree. In my community I am not sure I see a great divide, but I do see a core group of people that attend events and others that rotate through. I know there are many that I will never see at an event, play or otherwise. I have not observed a negative attitude from those who enjoy public play towards those who do not.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 8

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 5:08:16 AM

sweetnessforsir

Posts: 70
Joined: 1/5/2006
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i am not sure i would describe it as two separate camps with a great divide. It certainly does not rival the sub vs. slave discussions.

It seems to come down to fundamentalism. Extreme views tend to evoke strong defensive positions of why one way is right and the other is wrong. Public play has also been described as a way to authenticate "true" involvement with the community. However, imho, i would prefer someone who could show that He can manage me privately.

Public play can be fun, as with any activities with like-minded people. No need to hide who we are or what we do. Private play can be fun. For me, private play is where true intimacy is built.

There is a place for both. And, as always, we all get to choose what works.

s.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 9

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 5:17:22 AM

doves

Posts: 120
Joined: 6/10/2005
Status: offline

heartfeltsub,
i have played in both public and private ....

To me personally , in public [for the first few times], a mindset was needed .. [my own i mean] ...

i don't get a kick out of being played with in public.. i just enjoyed the fact that there was equipment available there, that wasn't available at home ...

So to me... a geek and somewhat of a loner anyway.... even though i have attended kinkfest [UK], BBB[monthly UK event], SWAMP [UK monthly event] and Thunder in The Mountains [Annual USA event] ...... nowadays i tend to play at home.

Things in my lifestyle, and the lifestyle i lead are very different now to what they were when i was just new.

Please be aware, this is my own opinion and own personal opinions... not that of others .....

< Message edited by doves -- 4/6/2006 5:18:43 AM >

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Post #: 10

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 5:20:37 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

Thank all of you for your comments, they are greatly appreciated. To try to clarify, the impression that i am getting for the Dominant's comments about public versus private players, is that He feels like it is an area where my need or love of public play would make me incompatible with Him.

(in reply to doves)

Post #: 11

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 5:24:02 AM

sensiia

Posts: 103
Joined: 1/1/2004
Status: offline

I have played both privately and publicly. I find private play to be very intimate but I wouldn't say I have sex everytime I play in private. There is more you can do without a DM inquiring if your scene is too heavy. I prefer private over public because sometimes the screaming is just too much to focus on the Dom/Top I am playing with, also if the place is crowded like a BR social there is no room, especially for singletails. It ruins my headspace as some people have no etiquette and will somehow end up near your play space and talk very loudly, very rude if you ask me.

(in reply to sweetnessforsir)

Post #: 12

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 5:24:09 AM

Zenonis

Posts: 25
Joined: 1/29/2006
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

i guess the underlying question is this, is there an inherent incompatibility between those who enjoy or need to play in public (am a bit of an exhibitionist) and those who will never play in public, or can the divide be crossed?

Incompatable? Do you mean can they be friends? Or do you need to match up with a Dom that enjoys it also? As friends, they should accept you as you are. For a Dom you are exploring a realtionship with, that needs to be some thing you talk about as the two of you are getting to know each other. If it is some thing that you really need, and he is very opposed to it, then you may not be a good match for each other.

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 13

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 5:26:25 AM

justatoy2

Posts: 163
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline

I have been a private player for years, and it was only recently that i have begun to play in public. I play every weekend in public its more of a once in a while thing that adds to my relationship. One of the reasons is because its nice to have access to all that wonderful equiptment. But with me, one the clothes come off and my Dom and i connect, it doesn't matter to me who is watching, if someone is watching, and it does become about me and him. I have heard a few people say you aren't a real dom (dominant specifically) unless you play in public. However i don't agree with that statement. There are some public players i have met who think they are a better dom/or sub because they play in public or belong to a dungeon.

(in reply to doves)

Post #: 14

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 5:26:27 AM

smilezz

Posts: 2156
Joined: 6/18/2004
Status: offline

quote:

It was recently posted to me by a Dominant that i am talking with that there is a completely different mindset between those in the lifestyle who will play in public and those who will only play in private.

I believe there is a different mindset.........for me that is. I love going to a Dungeon and playing publicly. The charge and energy in the room, the people, the toys, the excitement of watching others, the music, the excitement of being bound and beat.

I also love playing at home privately. I get the one on one contact with Thorns, the music may be a bit different if any, there may or may not be sex involved, more blood play. Whew! i need more coffee now. <chucklez>

Happy Thursday...

~smilezz~

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(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 15

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 5:54:59 AM

JohnWarren

Posts: 3807
Joined: 3/18/2005
From: Delray Beach, FL
Status: offline

[chuckle] "Completely different?" Does he really believe that people who play in public don't play in private? I'll admit the scenes I do in public are often quite different from my private play, but that's a dichotomy based on where I am, not who I am.

As for "always include sex"? This guy obviously has a very limited view of private players or a very generous view of what "sex" is (and given his comments on public play, I'd say the former)

< Message edited by JohnWarren -- 4/6/2006 5:57:41 AM >

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RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 6:09:25 AM

heartfeltsub

Posts: 1641
Joined: 11/5/2004
Status: offline

Thank you all again for your comments, i do really appreciate them. When the Dominant in question made the statements to me, i could see some validity in His comments, i do view public play as a safe way to get my submissive needs met without having to engage in sex indiscriminately. Because i am in an environment where i feel safe, i will play with people i do not know as well and would never meet in private. So i take a more casual approach to public play, that it is just play it is not sex, which He equated to swinging, which to me is totally different, as i am not having sex with everyone who plays with me. Thank you all for your opinions as i am also trying to figure out if with this Dominant, it is something that is a great divide which could only be crossed by my giving up public play, as He has stated that He has never played in public and will never play in public. Thank you again.

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 17

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 6:10:44 AM

RavenMuse

Posts: 4030
Joined: 1/23/2006
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Certainly the dynamic is diffrent but I can quite easily enjoy both. I like variety and public play is simply another varient.

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This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.

Owner of metalmiss

(in reply to JohnWarren)

Post #: 18

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 6:32:40 AM

Archer

Posts: 3207
Joined: 3/11/2005
Status: offline

I'm one of those public play mostly people, but I've played some privately as well. Sure there are some people who want to place their feeling as the "One True Way" when it comes to public vs private. Treat them like any other OTW, thanks for your opinion, have a nice day.

Now personally I generally prefer a public play scene with a new person first. It gives me a little bitty thing that eases my mind. witnesses to consent. Pretty tough to claim non consent when thee are people who were there who saw you sit down and talk and walk over to the station of your own will. It provides the submissive with something that also helps ease their mind, witnesses for safety. Pretty tough to be stuffed into a 55 gallon drum and buried out back with people watching.

Sure there are still consent and safety issues that are not fixed by playing in a public venue, but there are some things that it certainly helps with.

In Leather

Archer

(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 19

RE: Public Players Compared to Only in Private Players - 4/6/2006 6:59:36 AM

Wildfleurs

Posts: 1650
Joined: 9/24/2004
From: Connecticut
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: heartfeltsub

Hello A/all,

i don't know if there is already a thread on the question that i am about to pose, if so it would be wonderful to be able to read it.

However this is the question. It was recently posted to me by a Dominant that i am talking with that there is a completely different mindset between those in the lifestyle who will play in public and those who will only play in private. Differing views on which is more intimate, as most who play publicly usually do not include sex in those scenes, while those who play privately always include sex. The gist of what i got from the comment was there was a great divide between the two camps and it was fixed.

i would really like some additional opinions on this topic. Thank you.

I wouldn't agree with them. My owner and I play in public. I'm not really an exhibitionist but I'm comfortable with my body so I don't have a problem playing in public, and my owner enjoys exhibiting me. Our play in public is almost always sexual, though to varying degrees depending on how *public* the party is. And in private these days we almost always have sex with our play (its all entertwined the sex and play in private).

C~

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(in reply to heartfeltsub)

Post #: 20

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