RE: In Praise of Pro-Dommes

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RE: In Praise of Pro-Dommes - 5/4/2010 10:36:39 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

Some Pros actually want to be in charge, and while you're free to refuse, if someone like yourself were to contact a few Pros I know, they also ask for a face shot so that they can identify you for the same reasons as asking for ID information.

A client that sends a picture to a pro Mistress is a foolish client. Most clients want the reassurance of absolute discretion and can not have the risk of a snapshot of himself on a Mistress data base.
I never worked in a country where the risks were so high (full circle) and its not surprising that clients and Mistresses become paranoid about who they are seeing.

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RE: In Praise of Pro-Dommes - 5/4/2010 3:40:54 PM

AspX

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BoiJen,

I thought the original post was long enough and the distinctions subtle enough that I didn't go into all possible details I can imagine. You are absolutely correct in what you have said about both the way some Pros operate and the fact that they will not meet without that kind of information or a deposit being provided by the client.

In fact, the reason I originally came to CM was because a pro that was recommended to me asked that her potential customers have a CM profile and fill out the interests inventory. I obliged in that request, but declined when she demanded that I also provide a picture. I considered this to be past one of my hard limits and offered a couple of possible alternatives, but she declined. Although this is the first time this has ever happened to me, it was understandable from both persepectives. No sub should ever give in on a demand that goes past what they are comfortable with and dom/mes shouldn't work with anyone that doesn't meet their criteria.

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RE: In Praise of Pro-Dommes - 5/5/2010 12:57:35 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AspX

No sub should ever give in on a demand that goes past what they are comfortable with and dom/mes shouldn't work with anyone that doesn't meet their criteria.

Whilst I agree with this ^ I would be interested to know what use a face shot is useful for. I was thinking about this yesterday and just couldn't come up with anything. If you want to make sure its him at your door then you tell him to carry a flower in his hand. Asking for a picture does not stop an undercover police officer, who would quite happily send his picture in the hope of making an arrest.

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RE: In Praise of Pro-Dommes - 5/5/2010 1:58:21 AM

AspX

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

I would be interested to know what use a face shot is useful for.

I'm probably the wrong person to ask that question of, because I totally agree with you and was shocked when asked to provide one. The only thing that I could come up with at the time was related to a possible safety issue. Having a picture of the person could be something that one could provide to the police if the "sub" actually wasn't real and instead was deranged and violent towards the Pro-Domme. Therefore, a paranoid Pro-Domme might want it as one of thier safety measures.

The other possibility that I have come up with since being here, reading profiles and journals as well as messaging with people, is that the "Pro-Domme" who is asking for this is not really a professional dominatrix but rather a lifestyler who wants to make a little extra money while also enjoying themselves (this is not a bad thing or something that a professional dominatrix also wouldn't like to do). In this scenario, the Pro-Domme wants to have the same type of physical attraction to her client as she would with any sub that she would play with. Therefore, she might treat the potential client just as she would any sub who she was considering for service.

It is not unusual for people on CM to ask for both a physical description and a picture to confirm that the physical description is accurate. The domme could also compare that picture to the client when they arrived to insure that they were a truthful and trustworthy person in the same way that you would in a normal relationship that starts online (which as weird as it might seem, is actually a very important dynamic in the pro/client relationship).

Understand that I am pulling these examples out of thin air and am just as interested as you are to see if anyone is willing to provide their reasoning for such a request, because I believe that this is much more of a CM thing than the normal process.

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RE: In Praise of Pro-Dommes - 5/5/2010 2:24:03 AM

allthatjaz

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Or she could be using it for blackmail later

As far as protection, most pro Dommes do have receptionists working within their four walls. Receptionists are often dolled up bouncers that work the phone and keep out of the way unless needed.

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RE: In Praise of Pro-Dommes - 5/5/2010 2:58:08 AM

AspX

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Or she could be using it for blackmail later

Ayup...

Although, there are definitely more effective means of getting blackmail material during a session if that is what you are going for. Taking pics from a camera phone while the sub is blindfolded... hidden video camera recording the session...

Uh oh... I think my paranoia is kicking in again...

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RE: In Praise of Pro-Dommes - 5/5/2010 4:09:20 AM

allthatjaz

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quote:

ORIGINAL: AspX

quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Or she could be using it for blackmail later

Ayup...

Although, there are definitely more effective means of getting blackmail material during a session if that is what you are going for. Taking pics from a camera phone while the sub is blindfolded... hidden video camera recording the session...

Uh oh... I think my paranoia is kicking in again...

Lol I wouldn't worry too much. Good pro Mistresses can spend years building up their reputation. They don't want to be outed anymore than you do and besides that, most pro Mistresses don't want their family, friends or neighbors to know what they are doing. The discretion put in place is for both your benefit.
If I were a male looking for a pro Mistress I would be looking at decent web sites in which time and effort had been put in. I would make sure they had a proper chambers and when I spoke to them or got a reply email, it would be straight forward, professional, friendly but business like. This sort of Mistress is re-investing her time and money into building her portfolio and believe me, the last thing she is interested in is outing you, even if you are famous.
As a client I would be much more dubious about having a long online conversation, making friends first, sending pictures and so on because that would tell me that this is someone who is not making serious cash and probably doing it as a pocket money side line. Now there's absolutely nothing wrong with that and there are many women that do this but if I was going to a professional then I would want to find a professional because in my opinion it should be a clear cut business transaction.
We shouldn't romanticize about pro Mistressing, both want your cash and you want a session (hopefully a good one) You both should be able to acquire this without having to hand over too many details that could in the long term jeopardize your privacy.

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RE: In Praise of Pro-Dommes - 5/5/2010 4:55:06 AM

LadyAngelika

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I think that if you are careful of who you get involved with, you don't have to worry about blackmail. There are exceptions, but you definitely can minimize the risks a lot.

When I was younger, I dated a guy who when he didn't like that I broke up with him, threatened to tell all my friends, family and co-workers about my kinky sex life. He even called my boss and accused him of having an affair with me (that was one of his delusions). Luckily, my boss understood that this was a man scorned and just brushed it off and was very understanding. A nice little letter from my cousin the lawyer CC'ed to the local police was enough to shut him up. For the record, my cousin never asked me what the threat was, we just referred to slander and other aggressive measures or something like that.

I hate, hate, hate, hate drama. If there is one thing that makes me want to crawl into a hole and never come out is scandalous situations where people are fighting about personal things out in the open and dragging each other down. I make very sure that the people I get involved with have similar mindsets.

There are ways to test this, to see in certain situations if the other is discreet. Notice also if they gossip about others. Also, note if they are able to think of your relationship in somewhat rational terms rather than simply "living for you": very, very important. The moment they don't understand what discretion and boundaries are, that is the moment they cannot be trusted with your personal intimate business, whether it be BDSM or anything else.

I think above and beyond whatever you do, you need to be a good judge of character. There will always be risks, but life is about taking calculated risks.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 5/5/2010 4:58:56 AM >

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RE: In Praise of Pro-Dommes - 5/5/2010 7:13:54 AM

allthatjaz

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I once received a letter from what was once a regular client. The letter was very detailed, disturbingly so in fact. The trouble with certain types of clients is they can fall in love with you, well this one had and that's why he had to become an ex client.
Anyway, the letter read something like this, ' I am hurt and I am hurting because you did this to me. I am so hurt that I want to go and tell your family ( full address of my family) what you do for a living. I am so hurt that I want to come to your house (full address of my house) and tell all your neighbors where your going when you catch that train each day.
The frightening thing here is, I had been stalked. He had obviously followed me because there was no other way he could of obtained that information.

That was some years ago but worst was to come more recently.
I now live 200 miles away and only those I am closest to have my address (or so I thought). I was just getting in my car the other week when I saw him. He hadn't seen me but he was walking too close to where I am now living. I brushed it off and thought I must be imagining things and that he must have a double but I wasn't imagining anything because a few days later I walked out of my local shop and straight into him. He just looked at me and smiled. I looked straight through him as though I didn't recognize him and carried on walking.
I haven't seen him since but we are on red alert here and probably will be for a while yet.
Not only the clients are taking risks when they go to see a pro Mistress. Of course, anyone can get a stalker but the last thing you want a stalker who thinks he has ammunition against you.

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RE: In Praise of Pro-Dommes - 5/5/2010 9:10:49 AM

AspX

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

If I were a male looking for a pro Mistress I would be looking at decent web sites in which time and effort had been put in. I would make sure they had a proper chambers and when I spoke to them or got a reply email, it would be straight forward, professional, friendly but business like. This sort of Mistress is re-investing her time and money into building her portfolio and believe me, the last thing she is interested in is outing you, even if you are famous.

We are in complete agreement on those things, although I do also look for ones that travel and have reviews posted about people's experiences (this is something that isn't part of the BDSM community experience, but is something that does happen with sex workers in general so pro Mistresses do end up with them as well). I don't know if the travel thing is a regular occurrence in the UK, but the US is such a large and repressed country that many pros find it to their financial benefit to visit cities that don't have the same kind of competition as you might find in NY, Chicago and California.

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RE: In Praise of Pro-Dommes - 5/5/2010 9:26:01 AM

allthatjaz

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Reviews are always a good idea AspX, although reviews can be written by the very person being reviewed. I used to go on a pro Mistress web site where traceable men could leave testimonials about a session.

Some Mistresses do travel in the UK. I know a couple that have been flown out to Paris and New York.

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RE: In Praise of Pro-Dommes - 5/5/2010 9:57:12 AM

AspX

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quote:

ORIGINAL: allthatjaz

Reviews are always a good idea AspX, although reviews can be written by the very person being reviewed.

Again... we are on the same page allthatjaz...

I think LA had it right when she mentioned that you have to be a good judge of character (although she was specifically talking about relationships rather than finding a Pro) and it is making sure that the whole package seems right as well as taking good precautions that is critically important.

I believe that most important of all in both situations is to listen to your instincts and if that warning bell starts going off in your head, then listen to it. Its amazing the subtle things that your subconcious picks up on.

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