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Planned vs Spontaneous - 5/6/2010 10:35:19 AM

Mercnbeth

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We had an interesting chat last night which we thought would be interesting to take up with some of the fine folk of CM.

Regularly we are contacted by people, individuals and couples, with a one or two line email something along the lines of this; "You guys look really hot - would love to meet you and play with you!" Sometimes it's directed to both, more often just beth, with about an even split of labeling between the dominant and submissive side. This isn't about whether that's rude or not - we don't think it is rude. It's about what happens next.

We meet all the time, with many people. We get intimate with few. There are many reasons for that result; but the biggest one as far as I'm concerned is that I HATE planned 'scenes' and when you meet new people discussing 'limits', access, what is or isn't 'sex', and even the toys permitted for use just turns me off.

I've been engaged in quite a few group sessions ranging from threesomes to orgy mosh pits; but never enjoyed one where the 'session' had to be planned out like assembling a piece of furniture from Ikea - 'Insert locking pin into slot A - twist 1/4 turn". Maybe you get the fantasy fulfilled, but the lack of spontaneity generates a result equal to a paint by numbers portrait compared to free hand. There is no 'artistry' involved.

The next day is aways the unknown. Waking up where there is a common glow and a "WOW - That was HOT!" morning replay, or submissives comparing marks, is truly great experience. On the other hand, over the years, I've been there for a few 'uncomfortable' morning afters and witnessed an; "OMG - What did I do!?" look over breakfast. Sometimes getting intimate with 'friends' risks the friendship. Appreciate that as far as beth and I are concerned, BDSM play is 'sex' and 'intimate'. We know where our heads are. The same can't be said when another person, couple, or group is added to the mix.

When we engage in intense S&M its sexual even if the venue we happen to be in doesn't allow display or touching of 'private parts'. At a club - I've never said yes to a person coming up to me asking me to engage them as I had beth - it just wouldn't work. However if we got to know each other, found out we liked each other, and most importantly could TRUST each other - sure. However that isn't going to happen 5 minutes after you introduce and offer yourself. It sure won't happen if you bring me, or require, a 'script' to be followed.

Our discussion didn't stop at the 'spontaneity' level. When those spontaneous events have occurred, another frequent result which I find even more interesting is that what happens isn't talked about to the point of being specifically avoided. Maybe there is a shared 'special' glance or giggle but often the subject is just completely avoided, or if anything, is fluffed off as a function of one too many of beth's 'house special' jello shots.

Not that this happens all the time, and sharing intimacy also brings people closer.

What has been your experience along these lines? Has anyone else encountered 'buyers' or 'sellers' remorse after the fact? Is it practical and possible to be 'spontaneous' considering all the emotional, mental, physical, and pragmatic health issues involved being intimate with anyone even 'friends' you know?

Whether you plan the session or not - you can't plan the 'morning after'. Do you consider that the night before?

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RE: Planned vs Spontaneous - 5/6/2010 11:08:11 AM

Aileen1968

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Joined: 12/12/2007
From: I miss Shore, New Jersey
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We hate the thought of anything planned. He says he usually has something in mind, but it never follows the way he's thought it would.
You have to just go with the flow.
We don't play with others so I can't comment on that whole aspect. But even when we started talking we never discussed what we would or wouldn't do.
That always strikes me as contract/business negotiations and that has no place at all in what is an intimate relationship.

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RE: Planned vs Spontaneous - 5/6/2010 11:14:00 AM

pompeii

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Joined: 1/4/2007
From: Silicon Valley, San Jose, California
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I only plan the basics ... (a) Let's meet here (b) Make sure you don't wear that (c) Plan on spending a few hours of fun there, etc.

The rest is ad hoc ... and, as you noted, that's all the fun!

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RE: Planned vs Spontaneous - 5/6/2010 11:26:54 AM

domiguy

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Joined: 5/2/2006
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This sounds incredibly odd...But back when I was but a domiboy I had several chances to do a threesome and all I had to do was show up.

But alas, there were beers to be drunk and laughs to be had elsewhere.

It all just seemed so forced so contrived. I have always dug spontaneity. Ya gotta fly by the seat of your britches...Even with my csoh I'z gots to have it...It don't mean a thang if it ain't got that schwang..

Say after me, it's no better to be safe than sorry......Take on me.

Now I might invite over some new soh if I thought that my csoh wouldn't dig it....just to watch her squirm..

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RE: Planned vs Spontaneous - 5/6/2010 4:23:18 PM

LadyAngelika

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It's been ages since I've partaken in anything that wasn't simply one-on-one. Back then, when threesomes happened, they happened really spontaneously. The last time one happened, my lover at the time who was a lucky participant in the spontaneous affair, began trying to get me to seek out other women to have this experience with. Not only did he not get a threesome, he no longer had a twosome.

But even if we bring this to a simple one on one dynamic, I think you point still applies Merc. When I'm approached by a man on CM and I'm bombarded with a bunch of "so what is it that you like to do when you are in Sadist/Top mode", I want to end the conversation right there. It's such a buzz kill. Get to know me and then allow yourself to be pleasantly surprise (or not, though to my knowledge, it has yet to happen).

- LA

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RE: Planned vs Spontaneous - 5/7/2010 7:39:08 AM

Andalusite

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When I was looking, I wasn't willing to go into a lot of detail about my kinky interests online. On both sides of the whip/kneel, I focus a lot on my partner and their pleasure and reactions feed mine. Usually my Master and I are pretty spontaneous, but he's fine with me making a request occasionally, and when we went to a fireplay class/lab the other day along with my submissive playpartner, we knew that fireplay rather than flogging or caning or knife play was on the agenda.

Merc, on the sexual aspect, I'm the opposite of you. When I've played casually, I specifically screened out anyone who felt as you do, and told any potential playpartners that I would use the "yellow" safeword if I got too aroused, if I was bottoming or submitting. My playpartner wasn't looking for a girlfriend, she's more interested in the adrenaline/endorphin effects of S/M and bondage.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 5/7/2010 7:43:52 AM >

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RE: Planned vs Spontaneous - 5/7/2010 10:43:22 AM

afkarr

Posts: 328
Joined: 1/13/2010
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We ( as in kinky dude and I) would love nothing more than to stumble across an outgoing unattached gal ready to have some fun at the hat. Alas, all the unicorns want to talk....and talk......and be woooed......and talk.......and never get around to anything. Even a contrived scene looks good next to that.

Hey, beth looks really hot, does she wanna play??