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Submissive cues in the real world? - 5/9/2010 10:35:36 PM   
naturallysub


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Greetings,

My first post here, so please be kind, or don't leave any marks. lol

I asked this question of a Domme who suggested that it might be a good topic for this forum.

As a Domme out in the "real world", are there cues that You pick up on that suggest to You that a male
is a potential submissive? And if so, do You then choose to test Your theory and give him a subtle test
to see how he responds?

And if You are willing to share and go further, what might those cues be that You are picking up on?

Might as well put this next question out there... lol. If a submissive male suspects that a woman he has
come across is Dominant, how might he best convey his submissiveness to Her in a way that She is likely
to respond favourably?

I thank Y/you in advance for Y/your responses and discussion.

Forum newbie :)
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RE: Submissive cues in the real world? - 5/9/2010 11:52:18 PM   
dsmk7


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Hello Newbie!
Good question. There are certain questions I have asked of vanilla potentials. For example, I will say something along the lines of..."Some say I am too dominant to get a date, (insert chuckle here) and his response was, "I love dominant women...I am in control all day, and would actually appreciate giving up that control when I get home" This is my Cue. Having said that, I have had certain situations where I thought they we were on the same page, tied them to my bed--only to have them run out my front door--never to see them again. One man I actually pulled out my belt to train him--he also ran out my door swearing in Spanish believe it or not./.
For me its easier if we have the conversation.
I always ask questions...(Communication)--and as always--practice Safe, Sane and Consensual play.

< Message edited by dsmk7 -- 5/9/2010 11:53:31 PM >

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RE: Submissive cues in the real world? - 5/10/2010 1:00:45 AM   
SweetDommes


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I'll admit, I don't really look for submissive cues actively. If I notice something, it's 9 times out of 10 something that I notice subconciously, and I'll realize later that I'm acting on it. I have no idea what advice to give you other than be polite to women, and behave like a gentleman (open doors, pull out chairs, offer to help carry packages for them - if you know them well enough that they won't think you're trying to steal their stuff ...).

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RE: Submissive cues in the real world? - 5/10/2010 5:01:57 AM   
LadyAngelika


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First, welcome to the forums :-)

quote:

ORIGINAL: naturallysub
As a Domme out in the "real world", are there cues that You pick up on that suggest to You that a male is a potential submissive? And if so, do You then choose to test Your theory and give him a subtle test to see how he responds?

And if You are willing to share and go further, what might those cues be that You are picking up on?


I meet submissive men all the time. I tend to get turned off when they act too submissive right away, like there is no challenge at all. For the record, I see a great deal of submissive men in vanilla marriages, what many people refer to as pussy whipped men.

Perhaps I should clarify my answer with the following: I'm not really interested in "submissive men" but rather men who are somewhat socially dominant with strong characters who are unlikely to submit to 99.9% of the people they meet but are willing to submit to a woman they will be taken with, in this case, me. Now pegging one of them (pun intended) is a little trickier, because one has to be adept at teasing apart what are the sweet things that he might be doing to try and seduce me and the sweet things he might be doing because he wants to submit to me.

I'd have to tell you that it happens through conversation and each conversation is different as each man and situation is different. I'll make subtle hints and see what their reaction is. Because I'm rather bubbly in person (I might not come across like that on the boards) I can get away with little jokes such as saying "Good boy" with a wink. His reaction to this is very important: he can say "I'm not a boy sweetheart, I'm a man" and his body stiffens somewhat to indicate I've hit a nerve; or he can just not react which means I'll have to try another approach; or he can totally give himself away at that moment. This has happened to me a few times and I have to say, the huntress in me gets a kick out of that very moment.

The key, no matter what I do is, being subtle, which is absolutely fine by me as I like the little play that comes out of that kind of seduction game.


quote:

Might as well put this next question out there... lol. If a submissive male suspects that a woman he has come across is Dominant, how might he best convey his submissiveness to Her in a way that She is likely
to respond favourably?


I can't speak for all women, but for me, he should not be too eager nor should he demonstrate any of this publicly. Nothing is more embarrassing to me then a man showing public displays of subservience if he barely knows me: it akin to a strange dog coming up to me and humping my leg. Again, subtlety is key. Men wanting to attract Dominant women should remember that a great deal of us who want intimate/romantic relationships with the men have a D/s dynamic with want to be seduced by them.

If I think back to some of the things that men have said to me to let me know they were interested in my dominant nature, it has been things like "you are a very strong, take charge woman and I really like this" or one that was a little less subtle, but was timed just right was "I'm sure you command the attention of most men you meet" and it came with a look.

The looks are so important. You do realise that most of our communication is done through the non-verbal, through body language. That is where you'll find most of your cues.

I hope this was helpful!

- LA


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RE: Submissive cues in the real world? - 5/10/2010 5:04:14 AM   
LadyAngelika


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quote:

ORIGINAL: SweetDommes

I'll admit, I don't really look for submissive cues actively. If I notice something, it's 9 times out of 10 something that I notice subconciously, and I'll realize later that I'm acting on it. I have no idea what advice to give you other than be polite to women, and behave like a gentleman (open doors, pull out chairs, offer to help carry packages for them - if you know them well enough that they won't think you're trying to steal their stuff ...).


Oh the being a gentleman part is key, especially to initially get my attention. Whether a man is dominant or submissive in nature, he will always initially get my attention if he has charisma and is acting like a gentleman. If he's not, I'm not going to be interested no matter how many cues he gives me.

- LA


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Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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RE: Submissive cues in the real world? - 5/10/2010 6:16:38 AM   
leadership527


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This is one of those questions that I don't understand... largely I'm sure because of what I'm looking for. I'm not particularly interested in sexual dominance and submission. I'm interested in social d/s. Humans, as a species have excellent mechanisms for communicating social dominance and submission. EVERYONE knows who is who in most situations. Particularly opposites on the pointy end of the bell curve know it. Carol and I recognized each other on a d/s level long, long before we knew anything about WIITWD.

So my answer is, "Yeah, I look for submissive personalities." Since what I'm looking for is the extreme end of that spectrum... what I call a "slave" and others call a "doormat", it's not that hard to spot.

If I was looking for sexual submissives, I can only imagine that it'd be next to impossible to identify without direct questions.

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I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
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RE: Submissive cues in the real world? - 5/10/2010 6:18:55 AM   
DarkSteven


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I act like me.  My desire to be in control is a part of that, but only a part.  If she's not compatible with me there or anywhere else, I don't move forward.




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The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

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RE: Submissive cues in the real world? - 5/10/2010 9:02:29 AM   
AAkasha


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I can echo pretty much anything LadyA says since we were separated at birth.  I'll add emphasis to her point that a man acting "submissive" or posturing to me (ie, eyes down in a conversation when we are just chatting about the day) would be a turn off.  However, giving me signals that he's intrigued, interested, or knowledgable about S&M is a good step.  At that time, however, what is going to make or break whether anything develops is not whether or not he's submissive - it's whether or not we have chemistry.  Sub or not, I need to be attracted to him.

I do enjoy a man who may portray signs of shyness or uncertainty about S&m.  Especially if he's otherwise pretty confident.  But really, we're getting into territory where you'd be pretending to be someone else if you adopted a fake reaction to the discussion. 

I've been "flirting to figure out S&M tendencies" since I was a teen.  Body language, eye contact, subtle hints, etc. all can start leaving cues, and I just see if a man picks up on them.  Joe vanilla guy will key in on a comment eventually, and he'll reveal based on his words if he's interested and/or experienced.  I find that dominant men push back and try to take back control, or get "demanding" of "more information" because "that's hot."   Submissive men who are inexperienced get more shy but don't let the line of discussion drop.  I find that non kinky men are happy to move to another topic, and if I bring it up through a joke a second time and they move off of it again, I know it's probably a lost cause. 

Akasha


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RE: Submissive cues in the real world? - 5/10/2010 2:12:55 PM   
LadyAngelika


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Everything that you wrote rings true to me, of course. But you know Akasha, anywhere but here, the following probably doesn't need to be said ;-)

quote:

At that time, however, what is going to make or break whether anything develops is not whether or not he's submissive - it's whether or not we have chemistry.  Sub or not, I need to be attracted to him.



- LA


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RE: Submissive cues in the real world? - 5/10/2010 5:54:37 PM   
ourmsbetty


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I work for a non profit. We get a lot of volunteers through. If they call me Ma'am, jump on my requests and go out of their way to be attentive I tend to flag them as possibly submissive, but mostly I don't follow up.

Or some of them brat.

Last week we had one who wanted to argue about everything. At some point he said something about me frustrating him and it seemed to have flipped "the switch". I put my hands on my hips, gave him "the look" and told him in "that" voice that it was going to get a lot less frustrating as soon as he figured out which one of us was in charge.

He suddenly got very, very obedient...

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RE: Submissive cues in the real world? - 5/10/2010 6:14:39 PM   
Andalusite


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I've been able to successfully introduce BDSM to a few openminded nillas and inexperienced kinky people, though I don't specifically zero in on submissives. I haven't had anyone respond negatively to my bringing it up, or turn me down because of it. I do pick up body language and other cues, but it's mostly on a more subconscious level, and I got to know people fairly well before mentioning anything overtly. There isn't a secret sign that people actually use, other than the very limited pool of "hanky code" folks. Even there, sometimes a bandana is just a bandana. We don't get "Red alert! Subbie detected. Set phasers on stunning!"

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RE: Submissive cues in the real world? - 5/10/2010 9:26:59 PM   
naturallysub


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Thank You All for Your replies to my question. It was asked in earnest and You treated it
as such..... thank You.

After reading Your replies to date, it left me with a lot to ponder. Things can be an awful lot more
complicated then one can imagine on the surface. Would tend to agree that a lot of information may
be picked up through body language and in reading energy.

One thing for sure, it requires courage to take a chance and put a feeler out there, and You are all to be
commended for doing so. It inspires me to put a few feelers of my own out there. As i was out and about
today during my lunch break, i started to look at woman from a very differently informed perspective.

Thank You

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RE: Submissive cues in the real world? - 5/10/2010 9:57:55 PM   
LadyNTrainer


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quote:

ORIGINAL: naturallysub
As a Domme out in the "real world", are there cues that You pick up on that suggest to You that a male
is a potential submissive? And if so, do You then choose to test Your theory and give him a subtle test
to see how he responds?


Yes.  If he moves and carries himself like a man who wants to be attractive and pleasing to women, and to surrender himself in an authentically vulnerable submissive way, I might test the waters a bit.  Most likely I'll simply give him a slow, direct look that makes it clear I am assessing him in a dominant way and appreciating what I am viewing.  If he responds to that with just a bit of shyness or vulnerability, and in a way that further defines his role as the sex object that I might want to use, well and good.  If he gets aggressive in the least bit, we're done, there's no compatibility or chemistry here. 

The type of guy who is best at telegraphing the type of submissive signal that perks my ears up the most is usually gay or bisexual, because heterosexual men just don't grow up learning to be hot or to shake their tails in a "come and get me, I could be yours for the taking" kind of way.  But they can and do learn.  A very extreme example of the kind of signaling I personally tend to pick up on would be Samwell's "What What In My Butt" video.  He overdoes it considerably, but just a hint of that kind of submissive "take me now, I am for your use" sexuality goes a very long way for me.


quote:

Might as well put this next question out there... lol. If a submissive male suspects that a woman he has
come across is Dominant, how might he best convey his submissiveness to Her in a way that She is likely
to respond favourably?


Totally varies depending on the individuals in question.  The fact that I pick up on a specific kind of submissive sexual signaling does not mean that everyone will. If you went all Samwell on some other unsuspecting domme who was more interested in a service slave, you might get a pretty poor response.  From me you'd be more likely get undivided attention, possibly followed by some manner of brutal use depending on your level of consent. 


< Message edited by LadyNTrainer -- 5/10/2010 10:02:03 PM >


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