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ORIGINAL: Aneirin

Ah, that just could be it;

I have  dyspraxia, eye contact is a difficulty for me except with those whom I know well and furthermore, the unvoiced facial communication I do not see. I know I tend to fix focus when I am out,, for I am very aware of what is happening without looking at everything. Walking with hands in pockets, yeah, tonight I was doing so, for it was the coldest May night for some ten years and this morning there is frost on everything.

So this victimisation thing I experience could very well be the dyspraxia at work, a so called learning disability. Looks like I will just have to get on with it and experience the shit in life,as there is no cure, nor help available for adults with this thing.

And people wonder why I rage against the machine.

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ORIGINAL: Aneirin

The odd thing is, the university itself has a very diverse population of students who dress in all manner of weird things, and some of them I have seen are into cosplay, skin tight spandex animal suits and animal made up faces, yes they can be seen walking around like that.

But hey ho, I am semi reclusive as it is and when I do go out, its local where I am known well. I do hate to think there is a possibility I will become reclusive due to fear of confrontation, I have to find a way of managing this, now I know it has become a problem.

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ORIGINAL: RCdc

As someone who knows you A, my suggestion is that you don't bring this to an online forum for advice or ideas when they don't know what you can be like.

Yes, people can be stupid and people aren't always aware of difficulties associated with learning disabilities or other aspects of mental health.  It's not any worse than it has ever been but there is an unrealistic expectation that things should be better these days.

The clues are in your post.  You already know that you look different - you purposefully dress to provoke a response and that is something you and I have discussed before.  If it really was dress that came 'naturally' to you - you wouldn't have to make a point about it.

You know for a fact that D has long hair and he never has issues because he has a very gentle demeanor and always looks people in the face.  You are uncomfortable and aware of peoples judgements and you are already on the defense, not making eye contact with people you don't know.  As much as you protest you don't care, you do, whereas someone like D doesn't even realise people might care and so it doesn't come as a second thought.

Until you get off your idea of 'I'm different so I'm picked on' and deal with your paranoia, it's always going to happen - or at least you will feel it will or notice more.
And your posting frenzy again.  You know what that means - whether this incident was the trigger or not.

the.dark.
(.edit for spelling and rubbish sentances.)

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ORIGINAL: Aneirin
.Dark. you paint me in a poor light, for I must protest at your portrayal of me, for I no longer dress for aggressive impact, but now simply wear what I like and feel comfortable in, my choice of clothing, as it is others choice of clothing in what they wear, their style and therefore my style, the black leathers and armoured appearance, are now for the motorcycle not general wear. What I wear tends to be practical, comfortable, cheap, quite often pre owned as I cannot see the point of purchasing new when there is plenty of good things available pre owned and it fits in with my ethical stand point, that of recycling where I can, to lessen my impact on my planet and finally what I wear is quite often brightly coloured, usually multicoloured stripes as anyone familiar with Nepalese kurtas and  Mexican jergas can testify.

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Clothing is of interest to me, I like clothes and I feel my move from black and austere to multicoloured and easy going reflects a change within myself, a change I am very comfortable with, so I wear what makes me feel comfortable and light of mind. Colour therapy I know, works and with that the colours we wear reflect and can influence mood, my mood is lighter these days for at last I am beginning to understand, and practical diagnosis has to an extent enabled that, for now I can recognise my ills, ( as has even happened in this very thread ), and as I desire to get better, seek routes to change my deep set negative behaviour.

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I am by nature deeply analytical, I can if I let myself analyse the meaning of life, and I often do, but I am trying to seek the bigger picture these days and not so much the intricacies of narrow beam intense focus, which has impacted not so positively in other ways, but I am aware of it and need to learn the correct measure to be applied, opposite poles, my normal  approach clearly will not do anymore.

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I have had labels applied ranging from Dyspraxic, Oppositional Defiancy disorder, AD(H)D and Aspergers syndrome, labels which have been suggested but like everything, they don't entirely fit, they never will as no one fits the entire spectrum of symptoms completely. They are labels that to me enable me to research the meaning of, characteristics and my approach to seeking an end or at least effective management of the difficulties I know I experience. and with sincere hope, release me to realise my potential in the practices I feel naturally drawn to.

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The reason I mentioned my attire because in the past, my mode of dress was I even admit and looking back on it now,  austere and  did  portray, a keep away from me attitude, which is the way I felt whilst I was finding myself after the most harrowing experience of my life. Gothic is where I left off before, so gothic was where I started off in my search for myself. I believe I have gone through a metamorphosis, entered another stage of life, a stage where positivity figures much, and my dancing has to a large extent assisted in that change. I have even ditched the pentagram and now wear a silver nataraja, the lord of the dance, I invoke for my dancing but I dance in black with red, sometimes forest green and silver, what I am comfortable with.

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Eye contact is a problem for me, it has been in the past, and I know due to my natural inability with communication by eye in order to appear normal, I have made the effort to meet eye with the result others do not receive the communication they seek from my eyes, I am in fact staring unfocused, so meeting eye to me is pointless unless with someone I know well, for they are aware of my foibles and take me for who I am and ignore my inabilities. Eye contact, I am clueless with it, so why go to the point of appearing offensive by my unfocused staring, I know the results of that, so I try not to do it anymore.

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Why am I here a lot, well, I did say I was semi reclusive bordering on reclusive, the internet, forums and such are communication and communication where some of the issues I experience in real life communication are not present, no eyes to meet or facial expressions to boggle at, just words and a person's ability with those words to imply what it is they are saying.

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I also like to write and as I am a slow thinker, I think about what I write in terms of is what I write, what words I use correct for what I am saying, also my long writing here and other places presents me with different thoughts to consider, new perspectives to look at, I am in my writing continually learning and I see things not otherwise apparent in my day to day bumblings of real life.

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And I do understand I can come across as curt and factual, sometimes it is perceived in a different way to what I intend, I am aware of that and to those who have experienced that from me you have my apologies, no mal intent or sarcasm or whatever else is implied, it is just me.