RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM?

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:05:37 AM

MissAsylum

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i've had everything from my life's story(not literrally, but i'm sure you get it)to barely anything.

doesn't change anything.

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:25:42 AM

marie2

Posts: 1690
Joined: 11/4/2008
From: Jersey
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The submissives get the same crap.

How big are your tits? Do you shave your pussy? Do you squirt?

*yawn*

Thanks for helping me filter you out in 10 minutes, buddy. See ya.

Many people do feel that since this is kink-related, it's ok to ask someone personal questions from the get-go without first cultivating a basic interest on which to found a potential relationship. That doesn't work for me, so I just rule them out based on that type of conversation.

On the other hand, there are those who respond to that approach, so for me it's just a means to vet through the ones who aren't compatible with me.

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:32:12 AM

subtee

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Spoon me NOW, bitch!

(bring your shoes, of course)

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:32:41 AM

MissAsylum

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i'm sure the submissives get it worse *shakes head*

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:39:25 AM

CarrieO

Posts: 2432
Joined: 1/27/2008
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quote:

ORIGINAL: pegbundy

quote:

I'm not trying to excuse their rudeness and lack of manners but instead I'm trying to give a possible reason behind the why.

I found your response interesting, and it might make a difference if she adjusted the wording in her profile. Maybe. I don't think it would change anything substantially, though. My profile says almost nothing other than to state that I am unavailable and yet I get my share of crude propositions on a regular basis.

I wonder if it's more about the senders holding the belief that if they throw the same shit at enough walls, eventually it will stick?

As I said in my response

quote:

They want to be part of the fantasy and you appear to them as simply a means to an end.

and

quote:

One of the mistakes I made when I first began to explore wiitwd was to assume that people would follow a certain protocol in regards to communication and getting to know each other. I've since learned that people are people and the only bearing kink has on their ability to hold an adult conversation is how deep they are in their own little fantasy world.

I agree, there will be those who will choose to toss the same copy/paste email to tons of women in the hopes of at least one reply. I also stated that it wasn't until I stripped down my profile to barest of bones in regards to kink that I began to get anything of substance. Not all, mind you, but more than when I offered a list for these men to fantasize about. This isn't my suggestion to everyone...we all have our various reasons for being here...but instead simply an example of what worked for me.

After reading the OP's profile, I'm left to wonder what it is she actually wants...other than someone to do menial tasks and pay her for the pleasure of her attention and company. Could this also be the same reason, the "domme dream", that leads some of the men the OP is complaining about to write to her? Maybe. Could it explain the reason some of these men assume the OP, as a business woman who is providing a service, should cater to their wants and desires? Maybe.
Or maybe, like I said, it's just the internet and horndogs abound.

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:41:45 AM

marie2

Posts: 1690
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From: Jersey
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quote:

ORIGINAL: subtee

Spoon me NOW, bitch!

(bring your shoes, of course)

Ha!

If they mention the shoes, I'm in the bag.

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 8:01:23 AM

Lizbetbathory

Posts: 158
Joined: 1/1/2006
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ok i just had to type here..... It sure the hell doesnt seem to random people whispering random invite demands from wanna be doms and subs... it sucks.. people need to go back to 8th grade, go to cotillion and learn basic skills for interacting

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 9:08:16 AM

BoiJen

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OP,

That kinda depends on the situation. If I'm at a play party or an SM event, I'm likely to be less concerned about who the person is that I'm approaching than how attractive they are and how skilled they are what they do.

For instance, last year at a large event one class was done on Waterboarding and Breathplay. MsKitty knew the demo bottom but I couldn't tell you much more about the presenter other than what was on her in program profile. I did, however, have no problem jumping up on the dental chair at the end of the class and saying "me next!" The same event, someone Ma'am is close to but I knew only by reputation and a brief dinner where much of the conversation was between Ma'am and him, I sat down in the man's lap and said "let's play?" And he was all in for it! (I love gay men!) It doesn't help that earlier on in the day Ma'am had volunteered me as an impromptu demo bottom for him in a clips and clothespin class. In all actuality I had and still have very little knowledge of who these people are outside of the scene. But I greet them warmly and would be happy to stick my neck out for them in a favor, if they asked. After all, I am still alive lol

Another instance is a local titleholder who MsKitty and I happily flirted with (and his husband and boy) for a while and didn't get non-kinky acquainted with until after play time.

What I'm trying to point out is your medium. If you're at a munch in a primarily vanilla setting, the conversation is likely to be suggestive at times but pretty mild. If you're at a kink oriented social gathering, be prepared to get the noise about kinky stuff. That's what you're there for after all. Besides, I always find it kind of weird to hear about someone's pet or kids at kink social gatherings...that's not what I'm there for. If I wanted to talk about that stuff, we'd meet at a coffee shop. And at play oriented events, be prepared to be propositioned for play. Play is what the space and energy is set for. Expecting people to ask your favorite color and seafood dish before asking you to beat their asses is kinda much in such a situation.

The other thing to remember is that collarme is a personals site. It's a hook up site, just like alt.com. There are people that come to this site for what it was originally designed for...sex. Expecting that everyone who contacts you to treat it as something more because you choose to treat the site as something more is a tad ridiculous.

Would I want some more kind of communication from someone if they wanted a more intimate and on going relationship with me? Sure! Do I expect it from a website? No.

boi

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 9:14:05 AM

laurell3

Posts: 6577
Joined: 5/5/2005
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quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious

Jeeezzzz I've only had 2 crude proposals since I've been here... What am I doing wrong???

I'm sending ALL of mine your way from now on, so you won't feel left out! I'll tell them you're totally into the neandrathal routine and to lay it on thick!

OP: it happens to all of us and yes, it is something to ponder. The posts that respond some people just want kink and others don't dismay me. Don't you still want to know someone that you only want kink with? I've seen many posts that suggest people shouldn't talk about sex at all up front, I don't really agree with that approach, but the "on your knees bitch" first liners just make me believe they are logging on to cyber and not really interested in meeting up at all or are completely lacking in any concept of social skills, either of which I have no interest in. Either way, I block them and move on....well except now I block them and send them to jb!

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 9:17:04 AM

dove967

Posts: 102
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MissAsylum,

It comes down whether or not a person has basic respect for others, kink or not. Just because I'm involved in a lifestyle that is highly sexually charged, doesn't mean I'm here just to get laid. In fact, it's for that very reason one should remember their manners. That is if you're looking to associate yourself with quality folks and potential friends. Otherwise, there's always the "Delete" button.

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 9:17:47 AM

LuckyAlbatross

Posts: 19224
Joined: 10/25/2005
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The kinky scene tends to attract people who aren't very comfortable in the standard social settings. Part of this is because they lack the social niceties one might otherwise expect. A lot of people get into kink and think that it can be used as a shield and can dispense with any of the social mores they are used to.

And most people just suck at conversation skills completely.

The fact is, if they didn't get some results, they wouldn't keep doing it. But they do get some positive feedback or not enough negative feedback to change, so they continue.

A lot of people get into this and need some time to figure out that what's been in their head all these years isn't really how it all works, or that there's a heck of a lot more to it. In time they wise up and get better.

But some never do.

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 9:21:37 AM

LadyHibiscus

Posts: 27124
Joined: 8/15/2005
From: Island Of Misfit Toys
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What everyone else said.

If you are a pro dominant, you are not looking for FRIENDS in that realm, right, you are looking for CLIENTS. I did not expect any kind of friendship or personal intimacy with my clients, I expected manners, the ability to follow directions (ie fill out the application), that sort of thing. The assholes never got to see me, true, but I was not surprised if someone approached asking for a service.

I recommend that you start a SEPARATE pro dominant profile, and put only personal stuff in your main profile. You will still have to deal with wankers, but the crowd will thin. I also found that when I put a piece of artwork as my main photo, I got fewer wankmails!

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 9:31:07 AM

Jeffff

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If someone does not have the basic social skills to carry an ordinary conversation, I would not be interested at all.

I don't care how pretty, kinky, or sick they are.

What about situations where kink does not apply?

The excuse." I am kinky so I can say anything I want" is bullshit.

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 9:34:31 AM

LadyPact

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I'm going to admit that I haven't read all of the responses. I'm going just off of your original.

Personally, I don't think you're that far off of the mark. Quite often, you will see Me comment on the boards that a person is doing the online equivalent to making an ass out of themselves should they behave the same way in real life. If someone wouldn't walk up to a group of women they didn't know and ask them about their sexual preferences, don't do it here either. Too many folks think that just because the communication revolving around CM is via the internet, they no longer need to have any tact or social grace. This is a mindset that I completely disagree with.

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 9:52:23 AM

porcelaine

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I would spend less time dwelling on how BDSM types do things and invest more energy on how I want my exchange to unfold. If that implies a getting to know you process and that works well for YOU, then do it.

Some want a relationship. Others want a warm body that reacts when directed to do so. Some fall in between both extremes. Just know where you stand and go from there. You'll attract a potential suitor who desires the same, but that will never occur if you're in the dark or attempting to adhere to some supposed protocol.

~porcelaine

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 10:01:16 AM

reynardfox

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The amount of wankers who hide behind their keyboards and shower their ignorance upon others is quite staggering, but that's the internet.
Until you can press a button on a computer and give the idiots an electric shock, they will always be with us. I'm afraid they are a price we all have to pay.

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 10:02:37 AM

jbcurious

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I'll get my torch ready... it's been ages since I got to flame someone!

< Message edited by jbcurious -- 5/12/2010 10:04:07 AM >

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 10:47:13 AM

RedMagic1

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quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyHibiscus
I recommend that you start a SEPARATE pro dominant profile, and put only personal stuff in your main profile. You will still have to deal with wankers, but the crowd will thin. I also found that when I put a piece of artwork as my main photo, I got fewer wankmails!

This is a great idea.

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 11:16:41 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
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From: Apple County NY
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Why not meet for real life for coffee early on? That would get rid of the ones who are into online only. You don't have to share any personal info other than that you'll have a red shirt with a carnation. You leave phone numbers and such info until after you've decided if you like them enough for a second date. And people won't say something crude in a Starbucks nearly as much as they will online.

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 12:14:32 PM

mummyman321

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Mistress Asylum,
I have been in the lifestyle for 20+ years now (even before the internet). The approach I take is to ask a potential Domme if she enjoys certain styles of play (and this is normally based on what is in her profile). Now instantly I will be classified as a "Do me sub" for this by some because I am seeking my fetish and not what the Domme wants. In reality I am seeking a Domme who has the same or similar interests as me.

My reasoning for this approach is simple. I want to find a Domme who enjoys things similar to what I am seeking. I would say my fetish interest tend to be more on the rare said meaning fewer Dommes than most enjoy the activities I like. So instead of meeting a Domme, courting her for months, and then only to find out she hates 2 of my most enjoyable fetishes. I would much rather ask her upfront does she like those activities. If we connect at that point, the more normal conversations come out. This way I do not waste the Domme's or mine.

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