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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 1:16:02 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		uhhh step away from the computer. It would b safe to say you would stop talking to ppl that act that way. It sounds as tho most of your exp is on the net and that is meaningless.

BadOne

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 3:22:11 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: MissAsylum

hmmmm...that rhymes....


Grin - it doesn't scan though ;-)

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Profile   Post #: 42
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 3:28:08 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: marie2

The submissives get the same crap.

How big are your tits? Do you shave your pussy? Do you squirt?


*yawn*


Thanks for helping me filter you out in 10 minutes, buddy. See ya.


I think you're spot on here! - In many respects it's a service they're providing - giving you ample evidence of their unsuitability in the first email, thus saving you the inconvenience of swapping a dozen emails before you realise they're a jackass ;-)


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Profile   Post #: 43
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 3:31:11 PM   
crazyml


Posts: 5568
Joined: 7/3/2007
Status: offline 		Following on from marie2's comment...

I think it's a thoroughly GOOD thing that there are no formal rules/formulae/protocols for introductions.

If every one followed a template, you'd have to exchange a number of emails before getting to their motivation/needs/wants.

If you're not looking for the type of chap who wants to kneel, lip-sticked and pantied in their first email to you, then isn't it great that these people give them selves away straight away?



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Profile   Post #: 44
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 3:36:39 PM   
sunshinemiss


Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline 		Hello MA -
When I first came to the internet to interact with people, I was shocked by the level of rudeness. I remember when computers came out. I remember when chats began. I stayed out of it because I like old fashioned, I like to actually hear a voice. Circumstances changed a few years ago, and I needed to interact more online. I couldn't believe how rude people were! I'll tell you my skin got a bit thicker fairly quick.

Now, I've learned that it has to do with the image we put out as well as the norms of the site. While thre are always going to be rude people, some sites have more of them than others. For me this site has been a more positive one. (Perhaps I just don't have what other people want and therefore don't receive the icky mail. I can live with that.)...

I think Lady Hib had a brilliant idea for you. You can use different filters for each profile too.

Anyway, good luck, try not to get too cynical - it's easy on a site like this.

Best,
sunshine

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Profile   Post #: 45
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 3:59:14 PM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		This is gonna bite me in the ass...but I'll say it again...

Collarme is a hook up site. It's a sex site. Don't believe me? Check the ads on the home page. You can't be mad when people lead with sex when you sign up on a sex site.

Just sayin...

boi


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Profile   Post #: 46
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 4:08:58 PM   
SaintAllie


Posts: 158
Joined: 3/23/2006
Status: offline 		it's a bit like getting junk mail in your post box..

read it/ throw it out /or stick a "no junk mail" sign on the box..

( edited to note, it was a reply to the OP, not a Boijen reply ;))

< Message edited by SaintAllie -- 5/12/2010 4:11:05 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 47
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 6:36:32 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		BoiJen, I don't see CM as a hookup site similar to Alt or AFF. I don't have a profile on those sites, and don't visit them. CM is much more versatile - yes, some people are looking for a hookup or for casual play, but there are a lot of people who seek relationships, and a lot of people who are in relationships and just here for the forums. I didn't get angry if someone led with sex, but I did get mildly annoyed, and knew that they obviously hadn't bothered to read my profile. So, I ignored them, and blocked if necessary.

MissAsylum, when I was looking, I very rarely got crude come-ons, though I did get a bit of cut-and-paste formulaic spam, mostly from male submissives, or from people of any orientation who had obviously not read my profile (either leading with sex, or weren't local, or otherwise didn't meet my criteria). Of the men I met in person, nobody was a fake or a flake.

mummy, if someone contacted me the way you describe, with nothing but "do you like x and y," I didn't bother answering him or getting to know him. If his profile was particularly intriguing, and his initial e-mail was well-written and included that query along with more interesting comments or questions, I answered with whether or not we were compatible in those areas, and focused on other topics of conversation.

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Profile   Post #: 48
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:06:16 PM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		I had to do an experiment.

I typed the search term "Collarme" into the Google search engine.

The very first result was from....you guessed it...Collarme.com

The result itself? "BDSM Personals-Collarme.com".

I decided to type in "Alt.com" for the search terms the second time.

The first result? "Alt.com Your online Adult Personals, BDSM, Leather & Fetish Community"

Both of these sites are personals sites. They both advertise as hookup sites. Just because some of us choose to use the site different doesn't change that the site is still and has always been a hookup site.

I'm really not trying to be an ass...I'm just pointing out the obvious. If you're on a hookup site, someone is eventually going to send you a message looking to hookup and not get to know your favorite color first. Can't really complain about it as a loss of conversational rules/etiquette because of your chosen medium. Look! Emperor! Naked!

Just sayin...

boi


< Message edited by BoiJen -- 5/12/2010 7:08:39 PM >

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RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:07:23 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite
mummy, if someone contacted me the way you describe, with nothing but "do you like x and y," I didn't bother answering him or getting to know him. If his profile was particularly intriguing, and his initial e-mail was well-written and included that query along with more interesting comments or questions, I answered with whether or not we were compatible in those areas, and focused on other topics of conversation.


Well I hope I never get to the point of only asking do you like "X and Y" and that is not really what I stated. And to be clear "X and Y' are not sexual acts here. What I will ask for instance if a Domme lists "Rubber" as one of her Lives for Interests (or in her profile description), what types of rubber play she enjoys and what some of my interests are concerning rubber including styles of play and what I am looking for. This along with some of my background info.

But getting back to the OP. Because this site is BDSM oriented and many of these people are looking for BDSM, I am more upfront about my BDSM interests. While I do enjoy conversations with people and discussing styles of play, motivations, etc, I do not want to waste time if a Domme has no interest in what I like. And I do not want to waste her time if I am not what she is looking for.

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Profile   Post #: 50
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:12:37 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I looked around briefly on Alt and AFF, and almost all of the profiles in my local area were hook-up or online only. When I joined here in January, there were a lot of those around as well, but most of the people who actually contacted me were actively looking for a relationship, rather than just a hookup or playpartner. I did have to screen some out. When I did a search, I was able to find lots of profiles from people who were potentially interesting. Sure, you still have to separate the wheat from lots of chaff, but the more serious people are here as well, whereas they seem to avoid Alt and AFF like the plague, for the most part. I don't get freaked out by the hookup people using the site, I'm just not interested in them at all, so I didn't waste my time on them. They can talk to each other all they like.

I agree that Alt and CM are in the same general category, but in practice, they tend to be used differently, and have a different atmosphere. I could go to two different bars to go dancing, and one might be a huge pick-up spot, with guys trying to grope me and say rude things to me. I wouldn't go there again. If people sometimes used the other club as a pickup spot, but weren't rude or pushy with me, I wouldn't really care what other people did with people they met there.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 5/12/2010 7:23:43 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 51
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:16:12 PM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline 		I think there is a fine line between polite but direct (no non-sense) and being rude, pushy, or over bearing. It's a fine, fine line and that line does change depending on how attractive someone is. To deny that is to lie to yourself and everybody else. How attractive someone is does change how individuals react them and the standards in which they are held to. These changes may be minute, but they are real.

So, in the case of Mr.Mummy, sending an exceptional picture of an attractive man would likely increase his results.

In fact, I think I'm going to do an experiment.

boi


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Clips of MsKitty doin' stuff to me. Support the fan club, buy a clip today.

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Profile   Post #: 52
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:21:25 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		Oh, that kind of e-mail isn't problematic at all! Personally, when I was looking, I didn't put much kinky detail there, though I did post about some of my previous experiences. I felt that it cut down on the HNG mail considerably! Personally, I'm pretty flexible and enjoy a lot of different things, and my partner's reactions matter more than the tool I'm using to draw those responses from them (or which one they're using on me). If they listed something as a loves or lives for that I had concerns about, such as humiliation play, I often asked for more detail if they otherwise seemed compatible.

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Profile   Post #: 53
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:21:50 PM   
BoiJen


Posts: 2608
Joined: 3/7/2007
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite

I looked around briefly on Alt and AFF, and almost all of the profiles in my local area were hook-up or online only. When I joined here in January, there were a lot of those around as well, but most of the people who actually contacted me were actively looking for a relationship, rather than just a hookup or playpartner. I did have to screen some out. When I did a search, I was able to find lots of profiles from people who were potentially interesting. Sure, you still have to separate the wheat from lots of chaff, but the more serious people are here as well, whereas they seem to avoid Alt and AFF like the plague, for the most part. I don't get freaked out by the hookup people using the site, I'm just not interested in them at all, so I didn't waste my time on them. They can talk to each other all they like.


I'm feeling a little gay, please pardon the way in which I address you...or anyone else right now...

Honey!...Just because the individuals you have contacted or chosen to grace with your presence act differently on this site than you perceive them to act on another site doesn't change the base nature or target audience of each of these sites. Hell! They could be the same people for all we know.

I'm not saying your experience is invalid or any such thing. I'm just pointing out to the OP where the flaw in her expectations is. People don't go into a corner bar in BumFuck Alabama expecting well hung, go-go dancing men between the ages of 18 and 25. They go in expecting men (sometimes women) in flannel all covered in a thin film of tar from the cigarettes they're smoking. Don't expect more from your medium than what it promotes itself to be. That's all I'm sayin....

boi


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Clips of MsKitty doin' stuff to me. Support the fan club, buy a clip today.

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Profile   Post #: 54
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:22:47 PM   
mummyman321


Posts: 2102
Joined: 10/31/2005
From: Dusseldorf
Status: offline 		I think you are right on the fine line. As you might guess I have gotten both good and bad responses. Anywhere from you are a Do me sub" to that is very interesting and I would like to know more. On average I would say I get more positive responses than negative of the ones that reply.

I find it interesting that a pic makes the email more inviting to you. I have no problem sharing my picture if I find someone with similar interests. But I would not send it out in my first email. Maybe I am missing out?

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Profile   Post #: 55
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/12/2010 7:29:06 PM   
Andalusite


Posts: 2492
Joined: 1/25/2009
Status: offline 		I'm just saying that that hasn't been *MY* experience with this site. I'm not bitching about how other people choose to use it, and I was pretty happy with the results. If someone wants to approach me, then how they go about it does matter to me. Even if there are some of the same people in both sites, the mood/atmosphere/whateveryawannacallit is different here than it is on Alt and also different from Fetlife. That's the good thing about having more than one site - it's nice having different options.

Back when Power Exchange was still open, and I was still doing casual play, I refused to go because from what I'd heard of it, it didn't sound like the atmosphere/mood there would appeal to me at all. I did go and play at the Citadel frequently. I occasionally attended Bondage A Go Go, and danced and socialised there, but wasn't comfortable playing. There was a lot of overlap in the people who attended all three places - I know quite a few of them who were friends, or at least friendly acquaintances of mine. All three offered dungeon play in public, but the different spaces encouraged different mindsets from the average patron.

< Message edited by Andalusite -- 5/12/2010 7:38:02 PM >

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Profile   Post #: 56
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/13/2010 4:30:38 AM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: BoiJen

This is gonna bite me in the ass...but I'll say it again...

Collarme is a hook up site. It's a sex site. Don't believe me? Check the ads on the home page. You can't be mad when people lead with sex when you sign up on a sex site.

Just sayin...

boi



Hook up site or not... I think you get back what you put out to a great degree. Since I changed my profile to almost vanilla with a few strong hints, the type of Dom I've attracted has changed greatly. That along with non revealing photos has attracted Doms heavily into the mental aspects of a D/s relationship which is what I like... and while I am very sexually motivated putting that out there would be an invitation to every HNG out there, now it just comes as a bonus for those that take the time to get to know me.

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Profile   Post #: 57
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/13/2010 4:48:09 AM   
lally2


Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline 		vis a vis this is a 'hook up' site, id agree, but a while back out of curiosity i went on a vanilla dating site, put that i was kinky and looking for a guy with a strong personality.  i didnt get any rude messages, any sexual inuendo at all, just polite, hi how are you's, found youre profile intreaguing type of stuff.

i would say that a BDSM site does seem to attract a certain number of people to it, that think we are all highly promiscuous and up for anything with anyone at any time.  therefore the assumption that we are all going to respond to the 'kneel bitch and suck me off' approach is backed up somewhat by the sheer number of dickwits who access these places thinking theyre going to find a plethora of acquiescent, brainless nymphomaniacs.

when i first came here i got loads of that sort of thing, but as i grew more confident in who and what i was seeking i got fewer and fewer idiots writing that shit.  now i might get one a month, tops.  in the end i do think its all about how you present youreself.

when i logged on today a guys profile came up, all he's put on it is 'gentleman seeking ltr with a nice lady' - made me smile to be honest, it seemed kinda out of place and unlikely to draw anyone, but why, mainly i suppose because 'nice' just doesnt really describe the image of the place or the people who frequent it.  and yet i would say that on the whole im 'nice' - and probably most of the people on here are 'nice', relatively normal, ordinary people just trying to find a compatible partner.

'nice' is an incongruity here though and 'nice' people arent the draw - slutty, whorish, kinky pervs - thats what alot of people come here to look for and theyre approach is symptomatic of that fact.

< Message edited by lally2 -- 5/13/2010 4:58:36 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 58
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/13/2010 4:56:23 AM   
ReginaMirus


Posts: 240
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline 		I found much the same response, as well...

My inbox was getting pinged pretty hot and heavy every day by the fantasy players and do me boys. When I finally figured out to make an announcement that appears as my header "It's OFFICIAL! I'm looking for a subby hubby!", it was shocking how quickly that put the kabosh on the wankers and the timewasters. Yeah, a few still filter in here and there, but that seemed to narrow the playing field a bit, and honed the responses from others to what I'm really seeking...submissive SINGLE men!

No, I don't get my panties in a bunch when I get responses from wankers and timewasters. In fact, it's sometimes fun to mess with them, and burst their little subby fantasy bubbles. Some of them take the bait, others over time finally get it that I'm mocking them and move on.

It's like messing with telemarketers. Cruel I know, but there it is.

< Message edited by ReginaMirus -- 5/13/2010 4:58:13 AM >

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Profile   Post #: 59
RE: Do Basic Conversational Rules Need Not Apply In BDSM? - 5/13/2010 5:36:08 AM   
Phoenix73Sir


Posts: 139
Joined: 4/2/2010
From: Northants, UK
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: ReginaMirus
No, I don't get my panties in a bunch when I get responses from wankers and timewasters. In fact, it's sometimes fun to mess with them, and burst their little subby fantasy bubbles. Some of them take the bait, others over time finally get it that I'm mocking them and move on.

It's like messing with telemarketers. Cruel I know, but there it is.


Scammer profiles can be a good source of amusement too. :P


_____________________________

Yes, I have 2 profiles. my active one is Username: Syrox. I chose to keep this one though for the message boards.

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Profile   Post #: 60
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