So how DO you approach a sub? (Full Version)

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realcoolhand -> So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 11:52:45 AM)

I've read a lot on here about what submissive women don't like, and a lot about what submissive women enjoy in an existing relationship, but how does a respectful, responsible, incredibly kinky young couple initiate that conversation that may, eventually, lead to a D/s relationship?

I know, I know; it all depends on the woman being approached. But I also know that, though we're all unique snowflakes, no snowflake is particularly unique. Just as all snowflakes form according to the same six-armed pattern, which is itself a function of the the shape and properties of water molecules, so we all have the same, basic, human nature, which dictates in large part the whole range of what we need and what we want. As between the members of any particular, self-identifying group of people, those similarities are likely to be magnified. So there is a submissive "type," just like there is a liberal type, or a religious type, or a professional type.

I'm not asking for tricks, techniques, or cheats; just a little perspective. What is the submissive type all about, and what do you appreciate in prospective partners? If you could help frame that perspective, my woman and I may have a better of sense of how to proceed.




LadyPact -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 11:59:59 AM)

A little hint here from the other side of the kneel.

Stop wondering how you approach submissive women and start focusing on the fact that they are women first and submissive second.  While you are wanting to group them as a "type" what matters more is that you see them as an individual.  They want you to see them as who they are, rather some cookie cutter version of who others think they should be.



realcoolhand -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:06:29 PM)

I don't think you need to worry TOO much that I'll forget to approach a woman as a woman; and by self-identifying as submissive, submissive women have done the grouping. What I need is a little insight into how that self-identifying group works. As a dominant man, it's not exactly second nature to me. Thanks!



realcoolhand -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:13:42 PM)

Hey, just a heads up to all the curious, troll-averse board users out there, I think I may repost this on the ask-a-dom/domme board as well, just to spread out a bit. Please don't be terribly offended that I have begun two threads on this topic.



jbcurious -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:27:44 PM)

Are you talking RL or on line?

As far as online...have something to say! Last night I went round and round with a Dom, attractive right age but he couldn't start or engage in a conversation.

I could have lead him into it but what would be the point? If he doesn't show the confidence to engage me in a conversation, then it's not going to work for me.

Outside of that... good manners, humour and confidence but this is just me.



realcoolhand -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:31:51 PM)

Now THAT is the sort of insight that I'm looking for; thank you JB! Until I learn different, you're the bee's knees to me.



LillyoftheVally -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:32:23 PM)

It may look like I am not answering because of your caveat but I like being approached as a woman not as a sub, its important I think, if someone comes up to me and expects me to be like something, if they are overly affected I am not interested, just some eye contact a smile a how are you, god look at the clouds, ok thats going too far but you get my gist.



realcoolhand -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:39:04 PM)

It took a minute, but in the end I did get your gist, and that it does make good sense that a fellow ought not come on too strong. After all, even online, I cannot imagine that the first thing a woman--submissive or not--wants to hear is something profane, or demeaning.



jbcurious -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:41:49 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: realcoolhand

Now THAT is the sort of insight that I'm looking for; thank you JB! Until I learn different, you're the bee's knees to me.


I just read your cross post where you include the info that you're searching as a couple...good luck with that, it's called searching for the unicorn.



LillyoftheVally -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:42:50 PM)

In an online way, humour is almost always the way to go or me, but in real life i am assuming at an event, I would want them to talk to me not ask nor assume my 'oriantation' or any such thing, it seems like some people assume simply being dominant is enough



SylvereApLeanan -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:45:27 PM)

Since you're part of an established couple, you'd do well to head over to the Polyamory section, proceed to do a search using the keywords "finding a third" and "unicorn hunting," and read the threads you find.  Your approach will not be based on submissive women as a type vs. women as individuals.  Rather, it will be based on approaching women who are open to the idea of joining a couple and who also happen to be submissive.  This significantly narrows your search parameters and will factor into your method of approach. 



LillyoftheVally -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:48:27 PM)

SylvereApLeanan

I don't always agree, sorry its just been the two occasions that I have been part of a couple I was met at an event, once a fair and once a club, and both I just happened to get talking to them and they happened to be looking for another person to be part of their relationship (hate the word third) and I happened to get on with them well enough to see how it went, it certainly wasn't what I was looking for or any such thing



Andalusite -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:49:28 PM)

The moderators actively discourage cross-posting the same thread to more than one category, and will usually delete or merge the less popular one. Anyway, while submissives and slaves and bottoms do have some traits in common, and are loosely lumped into a group, generally they don't like a one-size-fits-all approach. The same approach to the same woman by different men, or even by the same man at slightly different points in the interaction, gets a very different reaction. What makes one woman hot and bothered just bothers another.[;)] Here's a thread that I think gives you a good idea of how a particular request of a potential submissive/etc. can be reacted to in many different ways: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3123281/tm.htm

Also, what works for a single man can be very different from approaching a potential submissive as a couple. Looking for a playpartner generally requires a different approach than what will work with a potential girlfriend. There are so many different factors involved! When I've played with couples in the past, I specifically needed to meet and talk with both of them, and get reassurance that they were both on-board with it. When I decided to find a submissive or bottom as a playpartner, primarily for me, but who was willing to play with my Master occasionally as well, I found someone literally the instant I expressed an interest. Finding a girlfriend who would have been compatible with both of us romantically as well would probably have been more difficult and taken more time.

Lily, I didn't mind "third" so much, but the primary/secondary/tertiary labels really bug me!



realcoolhand -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:51:26 PM)

I agree with regard to the term "third." It's almost inevitable when you're talking about bringing a new partner into a relationship with an established, indissoluble couple, but it does seem unnecessarily exclusionary.



LillyoftheVally -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:53:04 PM)

Gosh strong word there, of course stability is vital.

Oh Yeah I dont like primary secondary either, in my first couple we were a 'line not a triangle' we didn't use those words at all, the most description was girlfriend boyfriend really, there was an hierarchy of course but that to me doesnt weaken a persons significance.



realcoolhand -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:57:35 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious I just read your cross post where you include the info that you're searching as a couple...good luck with that, it's called searching for the unicorn.


Aah, the unicorn; yeah, I've heard about her. Don't believe in her, though.

By the by, I really am kidding; I know it'll be tough to find what we're looking for, but I also know that we have a lot to offer.



Andalusite -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 12:59:35 PM)

Yeah, I didn't want to be anyone's Insignificant Other or to put someone in the position of being my Insignificant Other.[:'(]



realcoolhand -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:04:38 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: Andalusite Here's a thread that I think gives you a good idea of how a particular request of a potential submissive/etc. can be reacted to in many different ways: http://www.collarchat.com/m_3123281/tm.htm


Thanks for the heads up; this is a fun and informative thread.

quote:

ORIGINAL: Also, what works for a single man can be very different from approaching a potential submissive as a couple. Looking for a playpartner generally requires a different approach than what will work with a potential girlfriend. There are so many different factors involved! * * * Finding a girlfriend who would have been compatible with both of us romantically as well would probably have been more difficult and taken more time.


quote:

ORIGINAL: Lily, I didn't mind "third" so much, but the primary/secondary/tertiary labels really bug me!


I can see that; it could start to feel like you're living a treatise on macroeconomics if nothing else.



jbcurious -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:10:10 PM)

Then I wouldn't worry so much about how to approach a sub...work on finding someone who's a good friend to both of you and wants to become part of your family.

A person can think thet have no interest in a certain dynamic but if the connection happens between people it can open up new possibilities.



realcoolhand -> RE: So how DO you approach a sub? (5/15/2010 1:12:58 PM)


quote:

ORIGINAL: jbcurious Then I wouldn't worry so much about how to approach a sub...work on finding someone who's a good friend to both of you and wants to become part of your family.


Yeah, but we're what you might call uber-kinky; it might work out better in the end if we're dealing with a woman who already knows herself pretty darn well.



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