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RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/16/2010 2:19:14 PM   
HisEvelyn


Posts: 252
Joined: 1/21/2010
Status: offline 		As long as I can remember, I've found more pleasure in pleasing people than I ever did doing things for myself. I always thought there was something wrong with me because of it. I was told over and over that Iwas a 'doormat' and that I needed to look out for ME. But I just didn't want to do things for me, no matter how 'mentally healthy' that was supposed to be. I ended up restless and unhappy when I lived for 'me'.

Yes, I was very badly abused as a child and a teenager. And I went down some very dark paths because of that desire to please people. For a long time I didn't have the internal strength to know how to be myself, please others, and not be abused for it.

I spent many years on AOL in the RP chatrooms, playing slaves and submissives in fantasy storylines. But because of the way I knew so little about true BDSM? How I had always thought it was dangerous and evil, I didn't think it was for me. That I would just have my stories and that would be it. It wasn't until my Master and I started roleplaying together, and he recognized in my playstyle that there was something very real and natural in my characters that was more than just playacting.

We started talking outside of the story, and we became friends. He began to ask me if I had ever considered real-life submission, and I eventually told him how terrified I was of it, because I didn't want to be ground down into a mindless doll and be used and abused. That it wasn't for me. But apparently my Master saw something in me that he truly desired, and he urged me to learn more, to do some research and find out more. He taught me some personally, but also encouraged me to look at different sources, to read books, etc.

When it finally was made clear to me that to be a submissive didn't mean that you are abused and spit on (unless that's your kink!)? That you can truly be cherished and loved just as you can in any vanilla relationship? I became curious and wanted to try things. My Master and I had a close connection by then, and I was coming to trust him. We ended up spending almost a week straight on the phone (barring time to sleep and eat) discussing my/his needs, my/his desires, our thoughts, my concerns, and other vanilla 'getting to know each other' stuff. I was completely his by the end of it.

And I discovered more purpose, drive, and fulfillment in being his than I have ever felt in my life. I'd been drifting and uncertain for so long, and to actually feel the purpose of having someone to truly serve and please just... energized me. I began bettering MYSELF and doing more for ME as a byproduct of wanting to be the best I could be for him. To serve made me a better person than I was when trying to live for me alone.

For me, it is far beyond the sexual. We began with me as his submissive, as I was very frightened of the term slave. But when we are together in person for our visits? I slide so naturally into serving him on a 24/7 basis. It just feels right. Now I do things I never thought I would, and I love doing them, adore it in all fashions. I justwish it hadn't taken me 32 years to figure out that I was a devoted slave at heart. :)

Thank you for asking this and starting this topic. Actually writing this and reflecting on my journey to this point has actually been enlightening for me! :)

(in reply to dreamerdreaming)
Profile   Post #: 21
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/16/2010 3:08:44 PM   
Phoenixpower


Posts: 8098
Status: offline 		I say only one word: midlife crisis

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RIP 08-09-07

The PAST is history, the FUTURE a mystery, NOW is a gift - that's why it's called the PRESENT

www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

(in reply to rajaa)
Profile   Post #: 22
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/16/2010 3:26:08 PM   
windchymes


Posts: 9410
Joined: 4/18/2005
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: LadyAngelika


I remember wanting to do stuff and not know why. Just visceral urges. It was both intriguing and scary for me because nice girls didn't hurt people.

- LA


This is exactly how it was for me, except that I didn't want to hurt people, I just wanted to do "stuff", and have "stuff" done to me.  This was in my late teens and early 20's.  Since no guys I was with brought the subject, I figured there was something "wrong" with me, and I suppressed it till I got my first computer in 1998, and found the BDSM chat rooms on Yahoo chat, before it went to total shit, lol.   It was a good start.

_____________________________

You know it's going to be a GOOD blow job when she puts a Breathe Right strip on first.

Pick-up artists and garbage men should trade names.

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 23
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/16/2010 5:09:32 PM   
AAkasha


Posts: 4429
Joined: 11/27/2004
Status: offline 		Every once in awhile I get a sudden flash of an image or cartoon or experience from my childhood that was peppered with how much I enjoyed seeing men (specifically) tied up, helpless, in bondage  -especially in the hands of a woman.  All the way back to cartoons. HR Puff 'N Stuff - Was there a cage or something? A bird cage?  "The Monkees" - my older sister watched it Saturday mornings.  They often got tied up.  Underdog, Felix the Cat. 

Kid games for me involved tie up, prisoner, spies.  I preferred that to Barbies.

My first real kiss (playing spin the bottle) was uncomfortable and slimy and gross (as I recall it); the first time I tied up a guy (around the same time) as a "joke" was exhilarating, exciting, made me feel alive. I wanted to do it again and again.  Innocent teens in the backseat of a car - necking, heavy petting - it always included bondage, blindfolds, hair pulling, and me telling him, "pretend to resist," ("but I don't want to resist!" 'shut up and do it!').   Sneaking copies of Penthouse Letters and Forum while I was babysitting around age 16; thinking the sex stuff was weird and confusing but skimming the pages to read about guys tied up.

I never thought my bondage lusts were sadomasochism, because when I read about it (in sex journals in the college library as a senior in high school or around that time - pre-Internet), it seemed very weird and creepy.  I was virginal. I couldn't connect the dots between sex and S&M and bondage.  And the men, as they were portrayed in stereotypical sadomasochism, were creepy and weird and acted and looked unattractive (some of that still holds true today;  I can't stand the accepted view of male submissives in traditional het BDSM porn).  I just kept doing what I was doing.

It wasn't until I lost my virginity and explored sexuality that I was able to connect the dots between bondage, S&M and sex.  Still, to this day, I get high, get butterflies and am over the moon with good, intense non-sexual S&M and bondage when done right.  

Akasha

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Don't email me here, email me at [email protected]

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)
Profile   Post #: 24
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/16/2010 6:41:48 PM   
ShoreBound149


Posts: 622
Joined: 7/2/2009
Status: offline 		This was the beginning for many guys around my age.

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"People don't think it be like it is, but it do."

Oscar Gamble

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)
Profile   Post #: 25
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/16/2010 8:18:13 PM   
Ibis


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/11/2010
Status: offline 		I realized it around the age of 5 when I would fantasize about tying girls down with their bare butts on a thistle bush. Pretty sick, eh?

< Message edited by Ibis -- 5/16/2010 8:19:20 PM >

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 26
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/16/2010 8:25:44 PM   
MeetTheNewBoss


Posts: 2
Joined: 5/12/2010
Status: offline 		Cheesy detective magazines that invariably showed some poor girl tied to a tree.  That's entertainment.

(in reply to Ibis)
Profile   Post #: 27
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/16/2010 9:24:07 PM   
InvisibleBlack


Posts: 865
Joined: 7/24/2009
Status: offline 		I have this posted in my journal but I'll cut and paste it here...

Quite some time ago, I was at this get together (party would be too strong a word) at someone's house - I hadn't met many of the people there, it was a sort of a friend of a friend deal - but I'm usually up for meeting new people and I did know a number of people there peripherally and it's always good to be able to put a face or a voice to a name.

So I met this one woman, she was maybe 5' 3", pale, and had really long really red hair and damn but I wanted her. I wanted her like there was no tomorrow. I'm not talking chemistry - that sort of electric pop when you meet someone and just know that you have a physical and emotional connection, or love in that "Sweet Mystery Of Life At Last I've Found You" sort of way - I'm talking lust. Straight out, pulse racing, bang-her-off-the-wall lust.

I couldn't figure out why. Pale or not pale doesn't matter to me and I don't really care about hair-color. She wasn't bad looking but she wasn't drop-dead gorgeous either. I couldn't figure it out but whatever she had was working for me.

So we exchange e-mail addresses and we're chatting online for the next couple of days until we're both free and can get together and I'm trying to work what about her I find so riveting. Maybe she moves like my first girlfriend? No. Is there something about her expressions that reminds me of someone? No.

I can't claim that we went on a date, we just sort of hung out and eventually we ended up at my place. It was a Saturday afternoon and I was in the kitchen getting some drinks and she walked in to ask me something and I just turned and kissed her right there.

Well.

We left a trail of clothes to the bedroom. It was exciting. It was fun. It was everything I'd hoped for ... and afterwards ... she just kind of laid there giggling and twitching uncontrollably for seven or eight minutes. When she recovered I was like "I've never seen anything like that before. Does that happen all the time?" and she looked at me and said "No. It's never been like that."

My ego probably grew three sizes right there.

So, obviously we spent a *lot* of time together and we had a lot of sex. I would always initiate and whatever I wanted to do, she would do. And we'd talk about what we were into. Things she was interested in trying, things I wanted to do that I'd never done before, things she was fascinated with but was afraid of ... and sooner or later, we'd do them. And she'd always end up giggling and twitching afterwards.

This isn't to say we didn't go to movies or shows or take trips or do, y'know, real life stuff as well. We did. We just also spent a lot of time having a lot of sex.

So one weekend we're in bed, and I told her to do something and she looked at me and said "I really like it when you tell me what to do" and BAM ... it all came together. It clicked. I could feel the pieces slide together in the back of my head. It's like I could feel the world spin around me as everything oriented itself.

We were in a D/s relationship and I was the Dom and she was the sub. In retrospect, it was blatantly obvious. I came up with the ideas, I decided what we would do, I made the plans, picked the movies, etc. etc. and she enjoyed making them happen. She wanted me to tell her to do stuff and she felt good when she did it. And I liked it. At some low level I'd seen it in her and she'd seen it in me when we met and we just went with it.

Beyond that, well, once the light comes on - you can't turn it back off. You like what you like and you get off on what you get off on and you look for those things.

If you've been there, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't - I can't tell you what you can do to trigger that moment. All I can really say is that sooner or later it will come to you. You can't force it and while you can fight it (and I have known some people who have), I don't think that's healthy in the long run.

_____________________________

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.

(in reply to MeetTheNewBoss)
Profile   Post #: 28
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/16/2010 11:53:34 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		There wasn't a defining moment. Ever since I can remember ppl expected me to be in charge.

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to InvisibleBlack)
Profile   Post #: 29
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/17/2010 12:14:56 AM   
reynardfox


Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
Status: offline 		I was sexually imprinted when my first ever girlfriend told me that she couldn't come unless she had her hands tied behind her back. It was like holding on to a lightning rod in a storm. I was sexually aroused at a very young age by all the bondage scenes in The Avengers, thank you Mrs Peel, try watching "A touch of brimstone" and not getting excited by the sight of Diana Rigg in a corset, studded collar and high boots in a whip fight with peter wyngarde, download it and give yourself a treat and bear in mind, I first saw this on early evening TV when I was ten. I also had a collection of cards from thunderbirds and captain scarlet and batman, but all mine featured people who were tied up.
Reading the story of O and the pearl when I was at school just about finished my vanilla ways forever, and let's not forget the hundreds of bondage images on the magazine racks in the 60's when they were on spinners.

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)
Profile   Post #: 30
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/17/2010 4:15:28 AM   
LadyAngelika


Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline 		Hot story InvisibleBlack. Way to perk me up on a Monday morning ;-) Merci!

quote:

Beyond that, well, once the light comes on - you can't turn it back off. You like what you like and you get off on what you get off on and you look for those things.


This is true. I see it as a revelation as well as a curse. Going back to pure vanilla is almost impossible after this moment.

- LA

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

(in reply to InvisibleBlack)
Profile   Post #: 31
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/17/2010 5:11:35 AM   
lucylucy


Posts: 612
Joined: 3/1/2009
Status: offline 		Like some others, I made up excuses as a kid to be tied up . . . tied to trees, tied to beds. I remember one time when I was about six my sister put an upside down laundry basket over me and then piled things on top of it to weigh it down so I couldn't get out. Ah, that was fun. Kissing and sex were a disappointment to me from the beginning--I always thought there had to be more. Pretty much from the beginning, the only thing that reliably got me to orgasm was to fantasize about being raped or beaten. I never mentioned it to anyone--especially not my very sweet, exceedingly gentle husband. About 15 years ago (when I was 25), I started having fantasies about being owned by a man. I didn't know a thing about BDSM and I'm not sure how the idea came into my fantasies.

Fast forward to a couple years ago. I was divorced and I dated a man who liked rough sex and spanking, and, wow, the full-body orgasms were amazing. Things with him fizzled out when I asked him to tie me up and he said he wasn't into that, and I became kind of obsessed with the idea of being tied up. I found all sorts of fun information on the internet about bondage and started realizing that there were lots of other people like me. I finally posted an ad on craigslist saying I wanted to experience bondage. I figured I would have a fun one-time thing and "get it out of my system."

15 months later, I'm still with the guy who tied me up. All my fantasies about being owned by a man make sense to me now. From my first contact with Master, I've felt accountable to him in a way I never have before. It's delicious and exciting and somehow peaceful and calming at the same time. I know I could never be satisfied in a vanilla relationship again at this point.

_____________________________

“There are those who give with joy, & that joy is their reward.” Gibran / "Those who are willing to be vulnerable move among mysteries." Roethke / "Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel & kiss the ground." Rumi

(in reply to LadyAngelika)
Profile   Post #: 32
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/17/2010 11:08:22 AM   
Ibis


Posts: 2
Joined: 4/11/2010
Status: offline
quote:

ORIGINAL: Ibis

I realized it around the age of 5 when I would fantasize about tying girls down with their bare butts on a thistle bush. Pretty sick, eh?


After reading more I thought I might add: My uncle always had stacks of detective magazines and the cartoons of the 50's seemed to have a lot of bondage. Damsels tied to railroad tracks or to a log going through the sawmill.

(in reply to Ibis)
Profile   Post #: 33
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/17/2010 7:15:09 PM   
Kumasan2


Posts: 182
Joined: 11/20/2007
Status: offline 		Hullo, folks... Back after a long hiatus.

For me, like so many here, it was from as far back as I can remember. I used to look at the detective and true crime magazines in the drug store and drool (figuratively) over the girls who were at the mercy of some unseen cad. When I was a little older I started looking for old 1950s detective movies on TV -- film noir, how I love you! Eventually the horror type of movies with the girls getting tied up and gagged were popular and I got more methodical. I started keeping a small notebook with reviews of each movie: how much bondage, how long it lasted, whether the girl(s) were gagged, how good / effective the gag actually was (very important), and nudity / skimpiness of dress. That lasted several years and I still lament misplacing that little black book. Eventually, I discovered Bettie Page. I fell in love with her as so many before and after did. I found everything I could with her picture in it. Generally in the "adult" bookstores. Oh, did I mention this was before the advent of the Internet? Yeah.

Fast forward a few years and I'm in college and I discover this interesting thing called... everybody with me here? IRC! What a magical place! There were dozens of people, sometimes hundreds, who were talking in REAL TIME!! How amazing was this?? And one of the channels there was #bondage. Ohhhh.... How cool! I was active there for several years, through the growth spurts, until it became far too fragmented and other options, like collarme, came around.

During all this time I had physical relationships as well. They started out fairly benign and strictly in the bedroom. Some rope, some spanky spanky, and always a gag. Over time I evolved from someone who might best be called a bondage rigger; the form and look of the rope was very very important to me. Then as I grew and learned, I found I was a Top. I liked the bondage still and the gags (always the gags) but now I liked incorporating toys into the mix. Battery powered, human powered, inflictions of pain and pleasure. And it was fun. Then one day, when I was in the middle of a very involved scene, she stopped wriggling and moving and looked right at me and said, simply, "Master". I was floored. Really. Didn't know how to respond to that. I don't even have clear memory what happened after she said "Master". (Still gives me chills.) But quickly I learned she was right. I had evolved again. I now knew that I wanted a slave. Not a bottom, not a bedroom only submissive girl, but a slave. A girl who gave herself fully and wholly to me, all the time. Who trusted me without question.

The unfortunate part is that the latest incarnation seems to be a rather lonely one for me. Which, of course, is why I'm here in the first place, talking about what brought me to this point. The circle completes and closes.

Aren't you glad you asked?

_____________________________

"A Master, if He is indeed wise,
does not bid you enter the house of His wisdom,
but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind." -Kahlil Gibran

(in reply to Ibis)
Profile   Post #: 34
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/17/2010 10:39:53 PM   
SailingBum


Posts: 3225
Joined: 12/10/2007
From: Sailin the stormy sea
Status: offline 		Once upon a time ....oh about 3 years ago

BadOne

_____________________________

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

According to SwithNSpanky
We are all so very lucky to have you with us to impart your great wisdom.

(in reply to sweetsub1957)
Profile   Post #: 35
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/17/2010 10:54:27 PM   
myotherself


Posts: 7157
Joined: 3/9/2006
From: The cold bit of the UK
Status: offline 		I got to my mid-30s with a string of unsuccessful relationships behind me. I found sex boring and I hated having to take the lead. I had decided I was frigid and thought it best that I didn't inflict that on some poor man, so I gave up.

One drunken evening after work I started chatting to a new guy in the office. He asked why I was single, and alcohol loosened my tongue. He revealed he was a Dom and said that maybe I was a sub/slave. I had no idea what he was talking about, so I went away and did some online research. It took a few years to pluck up the courage to do anything about it, but I eventually started a relationship with a Dom.

I thought I wanted to serve, but my new Dom was more sadist than Master. Turns out I REALLY enjoyed the masochist thing, and over the course of a few more years I figured out that I was absolutely NOT a slave, but more of a sub with strong masochist tendencies. I also discovered that I was 100% NOT frigid!

Now I believe I have met the man who is the key who fits my lock, and finally the future looks good

_____________________________

There's nowt so queer as folk


(in reply to SailingBum)
Profile   Post #: 36
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/17/2010 11:43:04 PM   
jbcurious


Posts: 717
Joined: 3/13/2010
Status: offline 		I think I've always been kinky regarding sex...in high school I dated half the wrestling team and loved nothing more then issuing that "I'll bet you can't pin me" challenge and as I got better at squirming out of wrestling holds the the harder they played and the more I liked it.

I was still a virgin during these little escapades and had no idea why these delicious struggles and being pinned helplessly beneath a man or any of the immobilizing wrestling holds, made me feel the way they did.

Shortly after becoming sexually active I was dating a rock climber...one night for a laugh he broke out the climbing gear. All those ropes and harness's and implements turned a laugh into sex like I had never experienced and opened the door to an intense desire to be physicly dominated and some exploration in the San Francisco BDSM scene.

It's only recently I've started to explore the ideas of D/s in a relationship and find this new exploration as yummy as the first time a man pinned me despite my struggles.

< Message edited by jbcurious -- 5/17/2010 11:48:40 PM >

_____________________________

'Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips.'


I have an explosive personality...


(in reply to HisEvelyn)
Profile   Post #: 37
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/18/2010 12:03:17 AM   
sublizzie


Posts: 1252
Joined: 5/26/2004
Status: offline 		It started with the old movies on TV where there were slave girls being sold in the marketplace. Very common stuff that fueled my dreams and fantasies from the time I was in grade school. Eventually I married and my husband introduced me to the Gor novels when they were still being written and sold as science fiction. He wasn't dominant (he was too lazy to be dom!) but the novels showed me that other people had the same fantasies and dreams that I did. Got on-line and discovered all kinds of information that made me wet. Divorced the husband and started meeting men who said they were doms. The rest is history.

edited for grammar's sake

< Message edited by sublizzie -- 5/18/2010 12:08:29 AM >

_____________________________

"cooking is my kink"

Collared June 19, 2008
(uncollared 12/21/09 with his death. RIP my Santa)

(in reply to jbcurious)
Profile   Post #: 38
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/18/2010 4:10:46 AM   
HalloweenWhite


Posts: 1028
Joined: 6/20/2005
Status: offline
When I was in college I had 2 girlfriends (friends who were girls) who turned out to have what I would discover (years later) submissive tendacies, One liked being physically controlled and spanked, the other liked being bossed around.

The one who liked being controlled physically would stand and let Me spank her without budging, the one who liked being bossed about would start an arguement and then start to wander off in a strop-until I told her to stop and tell her where to sit, then she'd stay where I told her to until I told her she could move.

I really miss My college days.

(in reply to Phoenix73Sir)
Profile   Post #: 39
RE: Tell your story... How did you discover you were ki... - 5/18/2010 11:33:28 AM   
SimplyMichael


Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline 		I met BSB.

(in reply to HalloweenWhite)
Profile   Post #: 40
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