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RE: Asking for references... - 5/19/2010 2:06:39 AM

reynardfox

Posts: 417
Joined: 9/8/2009
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There are two kinds of response to this post, the ones where people are offering advice and sharing experience and the fantasists who repeat the mantra of "You could spend the rest of your life hiding away" caution should not be mistaken for fear.
I would not walk naked through a bear park carrying a ham to show I'm not scared of bears.
I don't expect women to meet me anywhere without both a safe call and any references she may ask for.
Another side to refrences, it does show that you do actually have someone willing to admit to having had sex with you.
Some people might find this a stretch.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 61

RE: Asking for references... - 5/19/2010 4:44:33 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
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Reynard, I don't expect anyone I meet for coffee to give me all his pertinent details before the meet. After that half hour having coffee is when I decide if I want to see him again. And it is at that point I would exchange details. Which btw, the op is not willing to do. She wants his home number, work number, ex lovers' names and numbers. She didn't offer up any of hers in return. She didn't offer references to prove she isn't a crazy stalker.

As far as not giving references, I only have sex inside a committed relationship. I'm monogamous. You really think my ex husband would have given a reference? Beyond that, I can hire a college kid for twenty bucks to call her from a pay phone and read this glowing report. If she doesn't know the person giving the reference then she doesn't know whether it's of value or worth less than the paper it was written on.

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Post #: 62

RE: Asking for references... - 5/19/2010 6:05:39 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: Malkinius

Greetings Pact....

If you get to the Chicago area let me know and maybe you, Jefff and I can make it an insane, 3-way nutso, references included meeting. <grins> Besides, that way we can use each other as references that we actually exist and are at least harmless in some ways. I am certain that we can come up with some if we work hard enough. <grins evilly>

Be well....

Malkinius

Good Morning Malkinius,

Should that ever happen, I'd be more than interested in a good evening of conversation. Such opportunities are always a pleasure to Me. I happen to think we'd have a good time.

You bring up an excellent point in your second post. To paraphrase, the person the OP was dealing with could talk the talk, but couldn't quite walk the walk. The song and dance was going pretty good until the music started playing. Then, suddenly, the guy had two left feet. (That's entirely too much metaphor for this early in the morning.)

A number of folks on this thread have commented on the fact that people don't give references for sex. I agree. It's a silly concept. I also agree with those who have said that for many, BDSM is only conducted between those in the privacy of their arrangement. I agree with that as well.

The only thing left, as your second post points out, is that it sounds good. In this case, I think it was nothing more than an attempt to give the OP a false sense of security where none exists.

I hope you are well.

LP

_____________________________

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Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Malkinius)

Post #: 63

RE: Asking for references... - 5/19/2010 6:11:20 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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Pact?... lets make a pact...:)

If you ever blow through town, I won't try to bang you, if you don't try to bang me!

June would want it that way..:)

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"If you don't live it, it won't come out your horn." Charlie Parker

(in reply to LadyPact)

Post #: 64

RE: Asking for references... - 5/19/2010 6:23:34 AM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

Fair enough, though I make no promises that a few laughs wouldn't be a part of the evening.

Strap on jokes. I got a million of 'em.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to Jeffff)

Post #: 65

RE: Asking for references... - 5/19/2010 6:35:22 AM

Jeffff

Posts: 12600
Joined: 7/7/2007
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I am counting on laughs!

I have more dick jokes than you can shake a strap on at!

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Post #: 66

RE: Asking for references... - 5/19/2010 8:48:44 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: reynardfox
There are two kinds of response to this post, the ones where people are offering advice and sharing experience and the fantasists who repeat the mantra of "You could spend the rest of your life hiding away" caution should not be mistaken for fear.

Agreed, but fear is a fine thing to mistake for fear.

quote:

I would not walk naked through a bear park carrying a ham to show I'm not scared of bears.
I don't expect women to meet me anywhere without both a safe call and any references she may ask for.

See, this is the part where you lose me (and I apparently become a fantasist). So you are equating having coffee with you to be like walking through a bear park carrying hams? I gotta tell you, having coffee with me is not nearly so hazardous. Anyone who couldn't figure that out doesn't know me well enough to be having coffee with me anyway. What I find fascinating is that I fly all over the place all the time to meet various people I don't know. So do a lot of people. We do this for work, we do it for pleasure, we do it for lots of reasons. Any one of these people could be a whackjob. Somehow, we all seem to mostly get along. If that's a "fantasy", then it's one shared by a large percentage of the population.

Oh hey, this reminds me though, I'm going down to meet Mercnbeth and Ladypact sometime soon. I better fire up the background checks on both of them. I'm not quite sure how to handle the fact that there'll be other people at MercnBeths that I don't know before hand. Perhaps I should have him ask for full dossiers at the door before he lets anyone in. Then he can courier them over to my hotel room before I decide it's safe to show up.

quote:

Another side to refrences, it does show that you do actually have someone willing to admit to having had sex with you. Some people might find this a stretch.

*blinks* I don't even know how to respond to that. Good god... there are about 6 dozen ways this is simply wrong. But let's go with this one. It is none of her damned business if anyone else in my entire life wanted to have sex with me. HER business is to figure out first if she likes me, then if she likes me more than that, then if she would like to have sex with me -- in that order. Anyone I had any interest in at all would be able to figure this out for herself without needing a committee.

I guess I totally understand that I might want to understand someone's experience if they were proposing to do some risky BD or SM thing with me. Someone with little experience, I'd want to see starting at a very simple level. Someone who had lots of experience I might be willing to start a bit further. But coffee is not included in my list of risky BD or SM things.... unless of course it's too hot McDonald's coffee.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to reynardfox)

Post #: 67

RE: Asking for references... - 5/19/2010 10:11:01 AM

SimplyMichael

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Joined: 1/7/2007
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quote:

ORIGINAL: leadership527
I gotta tell you, having coffee with me is not nearly so hazardous.

Actually, it is rather pleasant although he doesn't have real sugar which might be a red flag!

quote:

Oh hey, this reminds me though, I'm going down to meet Mercnbeth and Ladypact sometime soon.

Scary people like me that actually HAVE scary backgrounds will be there! I look forward to dragging you two out to a dungeon! Oh, and I would love to see Carol strut around in that black latex gown she wears so well.

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 68

RE: Asking for references... - 5/19/2010 11:02:38 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: SimplyMichael
Scary people like me that actually HAVE scary backgrounds will be there!

Well DAMN! Good thing I kind of like ham so it should all work out OK.

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to SimplyMichael)

Post #: 69

RE: Asking for references... - 5/19/2010 1:12:13 PM

RedMagic1

Posts: 6470
Joined: 5/10/2007
Status: offline

Here's a few first-dates-off-the-internet I've had:

1. Meet at the parking lot of the zoo. Go to the zoo, go to an Indian restaurant, go to her place, make out but not all the way, I sleep on the couch and she sleeps in the bed.

2. Meet for lunch, go to a spa and get a couples massage, go to a park and hike and fool around, go to late dinner.

3. Meet at a restaurant for breakfast, go to the Chinese Gardens, grab coffee, eat lunch, go to my hotel and "watch TV" while lying under the covers.

Now meeting at a neutral place (restaurant, coffee shop, zoo, whatever) is important, and I've definitely been on dates where either I or she decided nothing physical was going to happen. But if the guy isn't able to plan a day, or an evening, that will impress the lady, then he really needs to improve his romance skills. And meanwhile, if the lady's driving 300 miles for coffee, that seems a bit desperate to me. Shoot for coffee plus other stuff, as long as he's not wigging you out.

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(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 70

RE: Asking for references... - 5/19/2010 11:25:46 PM

Malkinius

Posts: 1814
Joined: 1/9/2004
Status: offline

Greetings.....

If you two think you have a lot of baaaaad jokes, just wait until I unload a few sheep shots at you. <grins>

Be well...

Malkinius

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http://www.HouseMalkinius.com The goal is community.

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Post #: 71

RE: Asking for references... - 5/19/2010 11:54:46 PM

GreedyTop

Posts: 52100
Joined: 5/2/2007
From: Savannah, GA
Status: offline

suddenly, I'm thinking about kilts vs zippers///

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Post #: 72

RE: Asking for references... - 5/20/2010 6:34:14 AM

bliss4us09

Posts: 106
Joined: 3/31/2009
Status: offline

His. Don't go further.

(in reply to CaramellDansen)

Post #: 73

RE: Asking for references... - 5/20/2010 7:59:06 AM

leadership527

Posts: 5026
Joined: 6/2/2008
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: RedMagic1
And meanwhile, if the lady's driving 300 miles for coffee, that seems a bit desperate to me.

And I wonder if right there is why I see no need for all this stuff. When I met Carol, I flew 1500 miles with absolutely no intention but to learn more about her. I would've happily done so as many times as it took to learn what I needed to learn. This had nothing to do with "desperation". It had to do with a totally different priority structure and time scale for the formation of a relationship.

I wouldn't even begin to suggest that my way is somehow better or worse. But certainly it allows me the time to gather evidence with my own senses rather than rely on 3rd-hand reports. That would explain two things then.

a) Why needing the references didn't make sense (it does now if I posit a much accelerated time scale)
b) Why I wouldn't date anyone who wanted them (they're not going to be compatible with me)

_____________________________

~Jeff

I didn't so much "enslave" Carol as I did "enlove" her. - Me
I want a joyous, loving, respectful relationship where the male is in charge and deserves to be. - DavanKael

(in reply to RedMagic1)

Post #: 74

RE: Asking for references... - 5/20/2010 8:13:15 AM

sunshinemiss

Posts: 17673
Joined: 11/26/2007
Status: offline

Why isn't he coming to you? *curious*

Look, this is a couple of folks getting together. Why are you doing all the work?

If he's blowing you off, it's because he's not that into you. If he's reneging on his word, he's not much of a guy... in my world anyway... nor is he .. you know that into you.

good luck,
sunshine

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Yes, I am a wonton hussy... and still sweet as 3.14

(in reply to leadership527)

Post #: 75

RE: Asking for references... - 5/23/2010 10:22:38 AM

LeatherBentOne

Posts: 469
Joined: 9/27/2005
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: CaramellDansen

I have met a Dm who wants to meet me. he lives about 300 miles away, so it'll be a bit of a drive to meet him. i asked if he had any references and he's said yes. but now, when i asked for them, he keeps saying no and giving excuses. i even told him he could give them my personal # and they could call from a blocked/private number. still he says no; i don't need them unless we are "doing something" besides meeting and my asking for references just to meet is a red flag.

now here is my question: is my behavior a red flag or is his?

I would see his behavior as a red flag and I wouldnt want to meet him. He strikes me as someone who cannot be trusted. My advice, find someone else who is willing to meet your criteria. Seems like this guy has something to hide.

(in reply to CaramellDansen)

Post #: 76

RE: Asking for references... - 5/24/2010 10:16:10 AM

NuevaVida

Posts: 6707
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Status: offline

~ Fast Reply ~

I've never used references. I've met and talked to my owner's ex-wife. She doesn't like him. Now there's a surprising reference lol. Exes are exes for a reason. The man doesn't do public playing, so who's he gonna use for a reference, other than an ex? Same with me.

Here's how it worked for us. We talked enough to get a sense of comfort with each other. Then we each drove about an hour to meet halfway, for dinner. We hit it off immediately, and had dinner again a week later (again, halfway). Our relationship proceeded forward from there. Then again, we were both on the same page about creating a relationship first, and "play" would come much later.

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Post #: 77

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