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How does.. - 5/19/2010 5:26:28 PM

BusyBeauty2010

Posts: 2
Joined: 5/2/2010
Status: offline

Hello all...

i am new to the lifestyle, as well as the gentleman i would like to collar me. My question is this:

Is there a specific way he needs to train to become a Master to myself? i know this sounds silly..but he is very interested in the lifestyle, as am i. And we would both like to learn all the *in's and out's* in the correct fashion.

This is not something he and i are *dabbling* in, we are very serious and would like to be a strong part of this society.

Any information is welcome, and criticism can be left on another posting please.

_____________________________

BusyBeaty2010

Post #: 1

RE: How does.. - 5/19/2010 5:28:30 PM

domiguy

Posts: 12952
Joined: 5/2/2006
Status: offline

First off, you must learn to accept criticism...Do you actually wear that top outside?

Good God, woman, have you no shame?

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Post #: 2

RE: How does one become adept instantly? - 5/19/2010 5:35:14 PM

January

Posts: 891
Joined: 4/17/2004
Status: offline

Sorry,

I wish I could help. Your question has an answer that involves reams and reams of data. You'd also have to let go of the idea that everybody on collarme is exactly the same--and identical to you two.

January

Edited to attempt to clarify

< Message edited by January -- 5/19/2010 5:38:25 PM >

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[link: http://www.bookstrand.com/miss-you-sir] Miss You, Sir by January Rowe is available from Siren now! It's my latest smokin' hot bdsm romance.[/link]

(in reply to BusyBeauty2010)

Post #: 3

RE: How does one become adept instantly? - 5/19/2010 5:39:19 PM

BusyBeauty2010

Posts: 2
Joined: 5/2/2010
Status: offline

@Domiguy...lol! Thank you, but i do wear that top in public as it makes my cleavage look pleasing.

@January...Thank you, and i do not expect everyone to be the same as us. This is why i am posting on here, to allow many different opinions as well as open the door for options..One beautiful factor about this lifestyle is that there are people out there who are willing to guide newbies. Why? To allow preservation of a hidden art that only the best can enjoy.

_____________________________

BusyBeaty2010

(in reply to January)

Post #: 4

RE: How does one become adept instantly? - 5/19/2010 5:42:19 PM

LadyPact

Posts: 32566
Status: offline

My first suggestion to him would be to determine what he thinks the criteria is for him to be a Master to you, and then go with that.

Not that I don't appreciate your offer of giving Me (and everyone else on CM) the control of making that decision for him.

_____________________________

The crowned Diva of Destruction. ~ ExT

Beach Ball Sized Lady Nuts. ~ TWD

Happily dating a new submissive. It's official. I've named him engie.

Please do not send me email here. Unless I know you, I will delete the email unread

(in reply to January)

Post #: 5

RE: How does one become adept instantly? - 5/19/2010 5:42:40 PM

kiwisub12

Posts: 4742
Joined: 1/11/2006
Status: offline

First thing you need to do is join up with your local community - and find someone that you both respect who would be willing to mentor you two. Mentoring to learn play skills, and perhaps basic master/sub theories. If you have an idea of how stuff may work you can chose what works for the two of you.

(in reply to BusyBeauty2010)

Post #: 6

RE: How does one become adept instantly? - 5/19/2010 5:53:43 PM

marylynn

Posts: 84
Joined: 4/17/2007
Status: offline

Join your local BDSM group. Go to a munch, get to know people.. ask questions, discuss.

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Post #: 7

RE: How does one become adept instantly? - 5/19/2010 6:25:45 PM

DarkSteven

Posts: 28072
Joined: 5/2/2008
Status: offline

What they said. Join the local community.

_____________________________

"You women....

The small-breasted ones want larger breasts. The large-breasted ones want smaller ones. The straight-haired ones curl their hair, and the curly-haired ones straighten theirs...

Quit fretting. We men love you."

(in reply to marylynn)

Post #: 8

RE: How does one become adept instantly? - 5/19/2010 6:39:53 PM

ShoreBound149

Posts: 622
Joined: 7/2/2009
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

First thing you need to do is join up with your local community - and find someone that you both respect who would be willing to mentor you two.

Don't do it. It's one big giant cult of freaks. You'll start dressing and talking funny. The mentors look to steal your soul. Do not fall for it.

You're 37.....not 12......Wanna submit? Then submit. If he's a dominant guy....he should know what he wants and how to go about getting it. If he doesn't know by now....he's the wrong guy. This isn't like learning how to fucking ice skate. If you need a mentor at 37 to figure out how to have a power exchange relationship you're both doomed.

_____________________________

"People don't think it be like it is, but it do."

Oscar Gamble

(in reply to kiwisub12)

Post #: 9

RE: How does one become adept instantly? - 5/19/2010 6:54:35 PM

SimplyMichael

Posts: 7229
Joined: 1/7/2007
Status: offline

I have fairly high profile in a number of BDSM communities in California. I have taught bdsm classes at the national level.

Blah blah blah but I say that because while I wouldn't go as far as Shorebound does above, he isn't completely off base either and by saying I participate in those communities it doesn't sound like sour grapes.

Don't get A mentor, attend events, watch, avoid those who seem overly eager to "help" but instead watch for those who seem to be having the time of their lives (like Shorebound and Aileen although you won't see them in public) and approach them. Don't seek to absorb what they do, seek to expand what you can imagine is possible.

There IS a lot of "one true way koolaide" in the scene and plenty of mentors dispense their wisdom through their eurethras which is why I avoid them.

If you formed healthy long lasting relationships in your past, learning to add kink to that is no big deal. If you formed shitty relationships in the past, learn to create a happy healthy vanilla relationship and add kink.

Learning to use the toys isn't the "oh my god you might kill someone" thing that you hear about. A bit of common sense and you can beat anyone with anything and be fairly safe. What you won't learn, or at least not as quickly, is how to be really creative with some of the toys and attending classes can help with that.

Bottom line is I have great relationships, many here do as well, but works for us does so because we have stripped alway all the crap we don't want and created something custom and hand made that is perfect for us. Learn to do the same...

(in reply to ShoreBound149)

Post #: 10

RE: How does one become adept instantly? - 5/19/2010 6:56:49 PM

SylvereApLeanan

Posts: 8275
Joined: 11/1/2007
From: Hell
Status: offline

Since you're (fairly) local to me, I'd suggest attending one of the kink groups in Topeka or KC. If you want specific information, PM me and I'll send you some links.

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Dark Muse
30 Fluffy Points
Grumpy Cat is my spirit animal.
Shadow Governess & Mean Girl

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(in reply to ShoreBound149)

Post #: 11

RE: How does.. - 5/19/2010 6:57:44 PM

AnimusRex

Posts: 2165
Joined: 5/13/2006
Status: offline

Joining a BDSM munch or community is a good idea.

But do be aware that just as with these very message boards, you will discover that out of 4 kinky people, you will get 5 opinions as to "How To Do It"; and of course, your way of doing it is somehow wrong.

So join, enjoy the comraderie, but don't get too worried about learning the right and wrong way- do what feels right and natural and enjoy your relationship.

P.S. Don't listen to Domiguy. I vote for more cleavage, please.

< Message edited by AnimusRex -- 5/19/2010 6:58:24 PM >

(in reply to BusyBeauty2010)

Post #: 12

RE: How does.. - 5/19/2010 7:22:12 PM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Some people like rituals and protocols. Others don't.
Some insist on use of honorifics, others don't give that the time of day.

See where I'm going here? There is no one correct way to do things. It's whatever works for the two of you.

The Man is dominant because in his relationships he is the leader. It's not in him to allow someone else to make decisions when he can do them better. I'm submissive to him because I can trust him to think things through and make good decisions.

He wants the responsibilities as well as the rights, I don't. It's that simple. So does this gentleman want to be the place where the buck stops? Or does he just want blowjobs on demand?

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 13

RE: How does.. - 5/20/2010 3:59:36 AM

subsfaith

Posts: 297
Joined: 11/21/2006
Status: offline

OP: No, there isn't a specific way of learning your chosen roles; as with most things in life, a combination of learning would perhaps be the best route to give you a rounded education.

The 'ins and outs' are particular for each person and each couple. What suits my man doesn't necessarily suit the next person, so the key is for your man to find out what he wants to achieve.

I am not a huge advocate of actively participating in the local community, we haven't found enough like mindedness to want to participate in it. Although we do have some freinds who are very active locally. Again, what suits one doesn't suit another, there is no specific way of doing things. However, I would add, since you have expressed an interest in this area, that you take each local community on its own merits. Some will have more rules and protocols than others, and the only way to find out is to contact them directly, express your interests and I am sure they will let you know what will be expected of you in return.

Finally, I would like to welcome you to this community. If I might take a moment to explain: If you want to receive a good response, it is better to not place conditions on the question. In doing so you are intentionally limiting the answers your may receive. This is a public forum where you can ask questions, however, in doing so you are inviting opinion, of which there are many. So you may well get criticism. It is worth remembering, criticism isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it is just a different opinion, a different way of doing something. You are of course at liberty to completely disregard any answer you feel don't relate to you. In short, if you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask the question.

Good luck to both of you on your journey!

(in reply to DesFIP)

Post #: 14

RE: How does.. - 5/20/2010 4:11:59 AM

DesFIP

Posts: 25191
Joined: 11/25/2007
From: Apple County NY
Status: offline

Oh and read all the nonfiction books for how to use implements safely. S & M 101, Erotic Bondage, Loving Dominant, Screw the Roses, Topping Book, Bottoming Book. If you look these up you'll get suggestions for other such books. But don't try to copy what you see in porn.

< Message edited by DesFIP -- 5/20/2010 4:28:06 AM >

_____________________________

Slave to laundry

Cynical and proud of it!

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Post #: 15

RE: How does.. - 5/20/2010 4:19:54 AM

lally2

Posts: 2621
Joined: 4/16/2009
Status: offline

its true that i have a limited experience of clubs and the munch i went to was fun but a while ago now. but not in any of those scenarios was there ever the liklihood of learning submission or Mastery - good to go to, fun to join in, but not somewhere that i would suggest will teach anyone how to *be* a Master.

i believe the book 'The Loving Dominant' might be a good place to start. other than that i would restrict youre questions to the boards in a more specific way and read the differing opinions that might come through.

if you are sub then that is inherent in you, if he is a Dominant then that is inherent in him - how you pull that together and make it work as a relationship is completely up to you.

_____________________________

So all I have to do in order to serve him, is to work out exactly how improbable he is, feed that figure into the finite improbability generator, give him a fresh cup of really hot tea ... and turn him on!

(in reply to subsfaith)

Post #: 16

RE: How does one become adept instantly? - 5/20/2010 4:33:40 AM

LadyAngelika

Posts: 8070
Joined: 7/4/2004
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: ShoreBound149

quote:

ORIGINAL: kiwisub12

First thing you need to do is join up with your local community - and find someone that you both respect who would be willing to mentor you two.

Don't do it. It's one big giant cult of freaks. You'll start dressing and talking funny. The mentors look to steal your soul. Do not fall for it.

You're 37.....not 12......Wanna submit? Then submit. If he's a dominant guy....he should know what he wants and how to go about getting it. If he doesn't know by now....he's the wrong guy. This isn't like learning how to fucking ice skate. If you need a mentor at 37 to figure out how to have a power exchange relationship you're both doomed.

I'm in absolute total agreement with the above.

I've never participated in any community and I read one book 10 years ago on the subject which was enough to turn me off books on the subject ;-)

Rather, I just followed my instincts when it came to domination. That said, I did have a mentor of sorts but it's not like your typical mentor relationships. He was a very good friend and BDSM partner who helped me work through some stuff in the beginning. I was also in my 20s.

So sure, make friends. You can look for people in your community here or at events (I don't do public events but I met a few local friends and non-local friends on this site and similar ones over the years).

Also, I think the collarme message boards is a great place to ask questions. You'll get a nice variety of opinions (as you do on this very thread) and in the end, you can make up your own mind.

But bottom line, if he wants to authentically be dominant and you want to authentically be submissive, then your submissions will inspire his dominance and his dominance shall in turn inspire your submission.

- LA

< Message edited by LadyAngelika -- 5/20/2010 4:35:18 AM >

_____________________________

Une main de fer dans un gant de velours ~ An iron hand in a velvet glove

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Post #: 17

RE: How does one become adept instantly? - 5/20/2010 5:45:30 AM

VaguelyCurious

Posts: 5264
Joined: 12/2/2009
From: United Kingdom
Status: offline

quote:

ORIGINAL: BusyBeauty2010

One beautiful factor about this lifestyle is that there are people out there who are willing to guide newbies. Why? To allow preservation of a hidden art that only the best can enjoy.

Erm, no.

1) People will give you advice out of the goodness of their hearts, or because they are being paid to do so, or because you're cute and they think it will keep you around, or because you're annoying and they think it will make you go away. Not to preserve something that honestly most people can figure out on their own.

2) The 'lifestyle' does not consist of 'only the best'-it doesn't take the best to hit someone with something, it takes a functioning right arm. Look around any kink event, and you will not think 'my god, these people really are the creme de la creme'-they are just ordinary people. Some of them are awesome, some of them are fucking unbearable, but most of them are pretty normal.

(Except Domi-he's not normal. I'm not sure I'd refer to him as 'the best' though :P)

3) It's not particularly hidden, and it's not particularly an art-either there is something inside your partner that makes something inside you want to do as you're told, or there isn't. The rest is just about how to have fun with the accessories without injuring anyone.

_____________________________

Sthetic on FetLife.

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Post #: 18

RE: How does one become adept instantly? - 5/20/2010 5:46:36 AM

SassySarijane

Posts: 1558
Joined: 12/20/2007
From: KC Area Missouri
Status: offline

~Fast Reply~ Feel free to PM me if you like. Lot of great people around in local groups. Making friends and going to some local events can really be a benefit besides just being a lot of fun.

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Sarah2
Deviant Mind
Wild Side Readers
LPTnB

(in reply to LadyAngelika)

Post #: 19

RE: How does one become adept instantly? - 5/20/2010 6:29:19 AM

bliss4us09

Posts: 106
Joined: 3/31/2009
Status: offline

The local community can be helpful but the two of you will ultimately have to find your own way since what works for some other Dom/sub pair may not work for the two of you. Your partner will have to experiment a bit to find out what feels good (so to speak to him).

I like the top. Keep wearing it.

(in reply to SassySarijane)

Post #: 20

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